Writer: Azure K Mello
Title: A Bond Never Dies
Part: 15/?
Words: 596
Warnings: Angst. I can't make it easy for them can I?
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James wept. He had felt it! It had to be real, it couldn't be a hallucination? He had felt it, damn it. He looked around himself and realized Sirius wasn't there. Confused he reached out to lean against the wall of the Owlery. As his hand met the stone he found he could *not* feel that cold stone and a cold laugh came from behind him. "You thought he was me? How thick are you?"
Slowly he turned and saw Sirius standing there: sneering. "You, this, it isn't real."
"As real as anything can be when it's in your mind."
"I don't know what that means. If you didn't play so many mind games I would have realized that he was genuine."
"I don't play mind games. I am a reflection of yourself. I know no more than you. I'm only here for you to bounce yourself off of until you can figure it out problems and how to fix them. I'm not "real" as you say. Therefore anything that comes out of my mouth is being said by you and I have no control over what games we do or don't play."
"He kissed me. . ."
"Maybe he thought he should just get it over with. At least if he initiated it he would be in control. Because who knows when you would lose to your hormones and kiss him? no matter what you said he knew he wasn't safe. Maybe he just wanted to not be afraid of what you could do and instead bring it upon himself."
"Shut up." James looked away and out the window.
"I can't say anything if you don't think it. Why would he kiss you if not out of fear: fear of losing you or worse fear of actually having you."
"That makes no sense."
"I can't help that. How can I make sense if the one in control of me is such a confused, pathetic child. Think logically: why would Sirius ever want you?"
"He tied himself to me."
"Out of fear, not choice. Anyway, that was over a year ago, you weren't so fucked up then. How can you justify inflicting yourself upon someone who's already as wounded as Padfoot is? What can you possibly do to him but break him further?"
"He needs me!"
"Does he? Or is it that he bound you to himself out of pity for his feeble friend? He felt he needed to take care of you as you're incapable of caring for yourself. Why would anyone need you? He has enough weight around his neck without the affliction of your affection. And you can't argue with anything I'm saying because *you're* saying it. I loathe living in this weak shell. Can you ever do anything right?"
"No," said James looking at his feet, "I can't."
"This is why, as I point out at least once a month, you should kill yourself."
James found sudden strength within himself, "If I die so does Sirius."
The figure looked taken aback for a moment and then said, "Maybe he would be better off out of this world wherein he doesn't have to cope with you."
James sank down to his knees and wept, "I hate you."
"Yes, I believe you do. But then again in hating me the only thing you truly hate is yourself. And how could *anybody* (even you yourself) love you when you're one solid mass of neuroses?"
And with that final message the walls faded and he could feel his heart start to beat at a normal pace.
Title: A Bond Never Dies
Part: 15/?
Words: 596
Warnings: Angst. I can't make it easy for them can I?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
James wept. He had felt it! It had to be real, it couldn't be a hallucination? He had felt it, damn it. He looked around himself and realized Sirius wasn't there. Confused he reached out to lean against the wall of the Owlery. As his hand met the stone he found he could *not* feel that cold stone and a cold laugh came from behind him. "You thought he was me? How thick are you?"
Slowly he turned and saw Sirius standing there: sneering. "You, this, it isn't real."
"As real as anything can be when it's in your mind."
"I don't know what that means. If you didn't play so many mind games I would have realized that he was genuine."
"I don't play mind games. I am a reflection of yourself. I know no more than you. I'm only here for you to bounce yourself off of until you can figure it out problems and how to fix them. I'm not "real" as you say. Therefore anything that comes out of my mouth is being said by you and I have no control over what games we do or don't play."
"He kissed me. . ."
"Maybe he thought he should just get it over with. At least if he initiated it he would be in control. Because who knows when you would lose to your hormones and kiss him? no matter what you said he knew he wasn't safe. Maybe he just wanted to not be afraid of what you could do and instead bring it upon himself."
"Shut up." James looked away and out the window.
"I can't say anything if you don't think it. Why would he kiss you if not out of fear: fear of losing you or worse fear of actually having you."
"That makes no sense."
"I can't help that. How can I make sense if the one in control of me is such a confused, pathetic child. Think logically: why would Sirius ever want you?"
"He tied himself to me."
"Out of fear, not choice. Anyway, that was over a year ago, you weren't so fucked up then. How can you justify inflicting yourself upon someone who's already as wounded as Padfoot is? What can you possibly do to him but break him further?"
"He needs me!"
"Does he? Or is it that he bound you to himself out of pity for his feeble friend? He felt he needed to take care of you as you're incapable of caring for yourself. Why would anyone need you? He has enough weight around his neck without the affliction of your affection. And you can't argue with anything I'm saying because *you're* saying it. I loathe living in this weak shell. Can you ever do anything right?"
"No," said James looking at his feet, "I can't."
"This is why, as I point out at least once a month, you should kill yourself."
James found sudden strength within himself, "If I die so does Sirius."
The figure looked taken aback for a moment and then said, "Maybe he would be better off out of this world wherein he doesn't have to cope with you."
James sank down to his knees and wept, "I hate you."
"Yes, I believe you do. But then again in hating me the only thing you truly hate is yourself. And how could *anybody* (even you yourself) love you when you're one solid mass of neuroses?"
And with that final message the walls faded and he could feel his heart start to beat at a normal pace.