Chapter 3.
All my life people have told me on how to live my life. Maybe that was due to me not having any parents to guide me. The elders would tell me to take it nice and slow like taking a walk in the park. I have to take in the scenery and enjoy it because I might not see it again. Gai sensei and Lee would loudly declare that I enjoy the springtime of youth. On the other hand, Neji would tell me that I should have a purpose in life and strive to achieve it, using the time that I have to the very best.
Despite all the advice to live life to the fullest, I found myself running in life and not walking like I'm supposed to. I didn't take their advice at all. But, then again, slowly, I found myself running away from myself… and maybe… just maybe… life itself. I don't know why… I guess I should have stopped when I had the chance. After all, no matter how fast you run, you still have to slow down to breathe.
However, I have run too far and too long to even try to stop. I need to… no…I have to find the finish line. Where is it? Nobody would tell me so I had to search for it myself. Gai sensei once said that with hard work and perseverance will you then find the one thing that you desire the most. That's why I ran so hard... I needed to find it. I can't seem to find it no matter how fast I run, for if I could find it then maybe I could stop all my suffering.
Dissapointment….Anguish… Grief…That was how I felt when I realized that I could never find the light…never find that very finish line, the very end to all my turmoil.
I never gave up hope though... I refused too. Maybe it will come soon. I just have to wait…wait in the darkness before I can see that hint of light again. After all, only a person who has been in darkness for so long can appreciate the light or rather can see it in all its signified glory.
All this running…this attempt to escape from my sad life…has made me forgotten on what I truly am. This bid to actually gain something in life has made me lost something in return. I had long forgotten what my true façade was due to the fact that I never took my mask off…or maybe that was because I didn't want to. My true face…what is it?
To tell you the truth, I never tried to run away from anybody but myself. That was because I was a shinobi. I was taught to face them… our friends or foes, head on. But that was then. Now, I found myself running from a certain someone…from Neji… I'm a coward… Not the brave and bold Tenten I tried to be. I can't face him anymore. Not since that day… I just… can't.
I found myself standing in front of room 121,clutching a bouquet of white roses, hesitating on whether to enter the room, for this was the room that Sakura was admitted in. It has been five days since that mission ended. I was admitted out from the hospital two days ago as my wounds to the stomach has healed. But, Sakura….her condition was far worse then what anybody had imagined. A few of her muscles in her arms were ripped and she suffered from major blood loss.
The feeling of guilt that I carried was so heavy that it threatened to drown me in my own emotions. I wanted to make it right… to make my heart feel as light as a feather again…not that it had been in the first place but I'd like to think that it used to be.
I knocked on the door mechanically and waited for a minute, taking a deep breath before sliding the door open. I saw Sakura, lying on the bed with a peaceful look on her pale face. An emotion that would never be etched on my face. What had I been so afraid of that I could not go in this room? Was I afraid of Sakura? Was I afraid to see the result of my own carelessness?
I always had a million questions but not all of them could be answered in life…. That, I learnt… was called reality.
I took a step forward… and another…and another till I was by her bedside. She looked well. Better then, that very fateful day.
" I'm glad you're safe Sakura-chan," I whispered softy, not wanting to wake her up from her slumber. " I bought you flowers."
I held the roses closer to me, breathing in their sweet scent. It reminded me of Sakura….beautiful, fragile and delicate. Even in her sickness, she looked beautiful. Like an angel that was descended to earth. So pure…so radiant…like a white rose.
Looking at the pink-haired kunoichi in front of me, it reminded me of my disadvantages. She had everything while I… I had nothing. She was attractive while I had ordinary features…she had a family while I had none to talk about… she has a high IQ while I had an average mentality… Everyone loves her including Neji while I was completely ignored… She was happy while I strive to be. In short, she is everything I am not.
I reached out towards her hand, holding it softly. This was the only way I could give her my support.
" What are you doing here?" a voice demanded. I turned around to meet Neji's icy white orbs, letting go of her hand.
" Neji," I breathed out. " I'm just visiting Sakura." I smiled as I glanced back at Sakura. " She's doing well… I'm glad."
I watched Neji walk past me towards Sakura and gently placed his hand on top of hers. I couldn't help but notice the simple loving gesture and my heart cried silent tears. .
" You should leave," Neji said emotionlessly but quietly. I broke out from my daze and stared at him. His statement, running through my mind. Was he pushing me away. No…that couldn't be. No matter how cold and distant he could be, he would never push me away…ever.
" Of course… Sakura-chan needs her rest. I'll just put these flowers in a vase and I'll make my way out," I answered after a few seconds of silence with a smile. I carefully placed the flowers in the vase and arranged it neatly. I gave a small smile to Neji and walked to the door.
" Tenten," I stopped abruptly, my right hand on the door knob as I had only succeeded to slide the door close halfway.
" Yes, Neji."
" I don't want to see you here again ." I peered into his eyes, to know if he was joking but his eyes gave no emotion away.
I stood rigid. Unsure of what to answer or say. In the end, I just walked off….the sound of my footsteps echoing in the hallway.
Ne…Neji. You hate me don't you, to be able to give me this type of treatment. But, I need to know why…the reason that made you despise me so. I just need to know… then maybe I could overcome it and have you like me again if not as a friend then a comrade. Anything, so that you won't push me away. I need an answer.
I made my way back to room 121 again, determination shone in my eyes. He would have to give me an answer if he likes it or not.
I was about to enter the room when I realised that Sakura was awake and Neji embracing her, both of them oblivious that I was standing at their doorway.
" Neji, of course I'll marry you," I heard Sakura say. " But.. We're so young."
" We'll get engaged first and then marry when we're ready," Neji asked pulling away from the embrace to stare into emerald eyes.
"What about Tenten?"
" What about her?"
" You have feelings for her…. Don't you? I see the way you look at her" Sakura said quietly but enough for me to overhear her, looking down at her lap.
" I don't. She's unimportant to me," he says reassuringly.
I'm unimportant……trivial to him. Now, I finally knew what he thought of me. Thank you Neji for killing that last bit of hope of ever wanting for you to truly see me. To actually hear my screams above the aching torture I endured.
My gaze wandered to the sidetable and saw that the vase was empty. The flowers that I bought were missing. My eyes scanned around the room and finally stopped at the rubbish bin in the corner where I found the roses thrown away, the petals drooping and the colour gray is all I see. I realised that Neji was the one who could have done it. That day, like the roses, I too felt my heart wither away.
I found myself walking away from that room… for the final time. Never turning back. After all, I had finally found the answer that I was searching for even though it was unsaid.
It has been six weeks since that incident happened. I did everything I could to avoid Neji. I went on missions everyday. S ranked.. A ranked even D ranked missions. Anything to make me forget about him. Sometimes it would make me wonder on how my heart could bleed so much for that one person. It took me so much willpower to not cry. I'd train so hard each day after every mission. Eating only when I wanted…sleeping as little as two hours a day because I would dream about him. Lee and Gai sensei would raise their concerns but I would always manage to dismiss it until now.
I woke up, my vision a bit blurry but soon realised that I was in a small white room, lying down on a bed. I used my arms to prop myself up in a sitting position but my right hand immediately clutched my heart as the pain was unbearable.
" Tenten-chan! You should lie down. You're injured," Lee exclaimed as he attended to me, pushing my shoulders gently so that I would lie down again.
" Where am I?" I asked weakly. My head throbbing.
" The hospital. My beautiful flower, thank goodness your youth is still with you," Gai sensei said sobbing uncontrollably.
" Now, now Gai. She's alright. Wipe those tears away," Tsunade entered the room, a sake bottle in her hand.
" Tsunade-sama," I croaked respectfully. " What am I doing here? Wasn't I supposed to be on an S ranked mission with Naruto?"
" Yes, Naruto-chan carried you here after completing the mission. He said that you blacked out after killing your opponent," Lee said.
" The mission was a success then," I replied, relieved.
" Yes," the fifth hokage smiled. " Tenten…" She began, a serious expression engraved on her face. " Did you have any other symptoms of illness before going on this mission?"
" yes," I answered weakly. " I've experienced headaches, coughs, fatigue and my limbs would tremble at times. It began a few weeks ago but I dismissed it because I thought I just overworked myself."
" I see," Tsunade said a frown on her face.
" What…..what's wrong with me?"
" I'm afraid you've been poisoned by a toxin that's colourless and odourless. It's dubbed as the silent killer."
"How could that be? If I was poisoned shouldn't I be dead by now?" a surprised expression on my face.
" I believe that you've had only a little amount of poison in your system. This poison is deadly but since you only received a small quantity, it takes a considerably longer time to spread and kill you. Have you any idea on how you got poisoned?"
" No, I-I don't…"
I made some hand signs and poofed in front of Sakura. The kunai managed to scrape my arm but didn't do any other extensive damage. Mirai grabbed my hands and I struggled against his grasp. After a few moments of struggle, I managed to release his hands and kicked him in the chest.
" That's for hurting Sakura-chan!" I hissed. I took a kunai out from my pouch and stabbed him in the heart, watching him fall to the ground and his blood making a puddle on the floor with emotionless eyes.
" And that's for managing to scrape me with a kunai," I said, my voice in a whisper, too tired to talk. Instead of, looking at me with fearful eyes, he gave me a small satisfied smirk and he was no more.
" Why did he smile? Was he so glad to leave this earth?" I thought as I stared at the lifeless body in front of me.
" Y-yes I recall it know. I was on this mission and a kunai managed to scrape me. I didn't bother about it because it was only a small cut. T-that guy, Mirai , I think, smiled before he died. Now I know why," I said quietly.
" Don't worry tenten-chan. If anybody can cure you it's hokage-sama," Lee reassured me, a smile graced he's features. I smiled back in response.
" Is there a way to cure my student, hokage-sama," Gai sensei asked worriedly. Eyes glistening with tears.
" Yes, there is. An operation should be held immediately, tomorrow if possible, to rid her body system of this toxin. This operation has a 70/30 rate of survival. So Tenten, you need not worry and leave everything in my hands." I nodded.
" Tsunade-sama, thank you for saving yet another student of mine. I can't repay you enough," Gai sensei said giving his usual good guy pose, feeling a lot better as he knew that his only female student is saved.
"Tenten…" I brought my attention towards Lee. " Gai sensei and I would not be able to see you to your operation tomorrow. I'm sorry but we have a mission."
" That's ok Lee. Don't worry about me. Go and complete the mission."
After a brief silence. " I know. I'll ask Neji to come and see you throughout the operation."
" Lee! That's a wonderful idea!" Gai sensei declared loudly.
" Lee, Gai sensei. Please don't tell Neji. He'd be worried for no apparent reason. This operation will succeed. Don't worry. Besides, Tsunade-sama would be the one performing the surgery not Neji," I almost pleaded, giving them an excuse that they'd believe. I couldn't see him now. Not after all the effort I put in to avoid him.
" You're right Tenten-chan."
" That's our flower! Always thinking of others before herself."
" Ok! Ok! Visiting hours are almost over. Let Tenten have her rest. She needs it for her surgery tomorrow," Tsunade said pushing the two men out of the room.
" Don't worry Tenten. We'll visit you after we completed the mission." Gai sensei gave me one last good guy pose before sliding the door shut.
I sighed sadly. Closing my eyes, forcing myself to sleep but I couldn't. Thoughts ran through my head….of my life…my sadness. For the first time in my life I feel like telling these thoughts to someone….but to whom? Who would listen to the tales of my endless torments? Who?
Nobody….absolutely nobody. So for now I shall write my hearts turmoil on paper, words of suffering in ink. Until someone finds it and reads it.
I searched for a piece of paper but found none. Instead, I reached into my pocket and took out a lone photograph of when I was still a genin. The picture was of me smiling surrounded by a beaming Gai sensei, Lee doing a good guy pose and Neji with a somewhat peaceful expression on his face. It was one of those rare times did I actually felt happy and relaxed. How I yearned for time to rewind to that moment again.
I carefully turned the picture over and started writing my innermost feelings.
Dear savior,
There are times where I can't stand wearing this mask. But this mask is so strongly adhered to my face that I can't take it off. I can't find my true face… My true face what is it? Does it even exist? And if it does would I be able to look straight at it? But until then, I would just cry blank tears of emotionless salt. Till then, my silent tears and fears surround me. And then maybe…just maybe you would come to save me from the everlasting darkness.
Fading in black,
Tenten
Before I knew it tomorrow had come. Tsunade-sama had whisked me off to surgery, telling me not to worry about it so much for I should trust her skills as a medic nin. I couldn't recall what happened during the surgery, only the bright white light before I fell into a deep slumber free of nightmares.
A few hours past by before I regained conciousness, awakening in my clean white hospital room. My throat feeling dry and my lips chapped. I reached out for the glass of water on the side table beside the bed, the cup trembling slightly under my weak grasp. Suddenly a warm hand encircled my own, steadying the cup so the water wouldn't spill. I cast my gaze upwards in surprise.
" You're finally awake," a soothing voice said a hint of sadness in it's voice. " Here…."
I smiled in acknowledgement and eagerly drank the water from the plastic cup that Tsunade-sama brought to my lips.
" arigato gozaimasu," I said faintly, my thirst quenched, grinning up at her. I noticed her flinch slightly but didn't think anything of it. She turned her attention towards the window, watching the children play happily outside. I followed her gaze, watching the scene on the other side of the window quietly.
" There was once a time in my childhood when I was like them," I said, my eyes still on the children.
"…. What happened?" Tsunade-sama asked after some time.
" Reality... I realised that happiness never lasts." I turned my gaze towards the hokage. Reading her movements. " The surgery….it failed didn't it…" It was more of a statement and not a question.
" I'm so sorry… Please forgive me," Tsunade-sama said her attention now on me. I could see a hint of sorrow or was it pity in her eyes.
" Don't worry about it. The day you were born is the day you begin to die. I knew that this day would come. Hokage-sama….. I still have the utmost respect for you," I assured her, giving her one of my brightest smiles. She looked surprised by my response. " How long do I have?"
" A month…I'm not sure," She looked a bit shocked by my bluntness.
" Ahhh…..I see," I got out of bed and walked over to my bag containing some of my clothes. I quickly packed my belongings and changed into my usual training attire, not caring whether the hokage was there or not. After all she was female and straight at that.
" Where are you going? You should rest," she said well aware of my actions to leave the hospital.
" Tsunade-sama, I won't lie in bed and wait for death to come. You should know me better than that. I want to go without any regrets knowing that I did everything I could for Konoha. I want to die a shinobi and not as a sickly person. Even if I could only do D rank and C rank missions," I explained smiling to her yet again. My jaw hurts from all the smiling that I have done…Even though I wanted to frown or break down, I couldn't, not in front of my idol.
" You're very honourable indeed, Tenten. I would have given up knowing that my life would end but you're different. Konoha is proud to have a shinobi like you," She exclaimed, her face full of respect. I felt some of the weight on my shoulder removed. I was finally acknowledged.
" Arigato, hokage-sama," I gave a bow to her but soon a fit of coughs came, blood splattered on the marble floor. The hokage rushed to my side, a worried expression etched on her face.
" Tenten…"
" Hokage-sama.." I cut in. " Please don't tell anyone including Gai sensei and Lee about my condition, about the surgery failing. Please lie just this once for me. Tell them that you didn't perform the operation yet. Please…I don't want them to worry."
" Tenten…"
" Promise me….please… just this once," I pleaded.
" I promise…I promise, Tenten," tears in her eyes, threatening to fall any second. She took out a small bottle of pills from her pocket. Placing it in my palm with unsteady hands. I gripped it looking at the label stuck on the bottle. " It's some pills to help relieve the pain. Eat one pill everyday. Understand."
I nodded, placed the bottle inside my pant's pocket and exited the room.
" Tenten…" I stopped at the doorway as I heard the hokage call for me. " Remember not to go for any missions on Friday next week."
" Why?" I asked, puzzled.
" Don't you remember? It's Sakura's and Neji's engagement party,"
I glanced back at Tsunade-sama and gave her a sad smile before walking away, giving her my reply.
" I wasn't invited."
Ok….. That was the end of the third chapter. How did you like it? Sorry it took so long and I had promised you that I would update it faster. I had the idea but it was hard for me to write it down. The next chapter will be the last chapter of this story. So please wait for it.
Before I go I'd like to personally thank everybody who reviewed this story, put my story in faves, story alert list, fave author list and author alert list. Thanks again. Oh and to those who actually took time to read it too but didn't review it.
Till next time…
Naash.