Author's Note – Thanks again for all the reviews – I'm delighted that you are enjoying this little tale!
Dinner was over and Master Splinter had gone out to scavenge and forage as he always did. Don used to wonder why his Master went out as often as he did – their needs did not make it entirely NECESSARY for him to go outEVERY day – but after thinking about it long and hard he had concluded that it was as much about getting some peace and quiet away from his four rowdy kids as it was about getting supplies.
Don had settled down with the clock he was trying to repair; all the screws and cogs carefully laid out on the floor in front of him. He was SURE that he could get it going and then they wouldn't have to rely on the clocks on storefronts and buildings up topside anymore.
Raph and Mikey were busy doing something very messy and very noisy on their side of the lair. They were going to hate it when Master Splinter made them clear up but they never thought about that sort of thing BEFORE they had the bright idea for some game.
He looked around for Leo -- and caught sight of him sitting quietly engrossed in a book, half-hidden in a private den of boxes and bricks and crates, all the materials Master Splinter had been bringing back for weeks so that they could build some internal walls instead of the screens in the lair. It was going to be a pretty interesting project, really, Don reflected, walls meant rooms, which meant privacy. Which would be good -- no chance of Raph picking up and losing one of his precious cogs, by "just looking". No chance of Mikey accidentally letting Titian escape from his jar again, either.
Although, now he came to think about it, on the down side… it also meant that they'd lose space. They needed a lot of rooms, really, and they only had limited space. The kitchen, bathroom and infirmary areas were already pretty fixed; but they had the whole rest of the lair for everything else. Playing and training and studying during the day, and pushing the furniture back and the sleeping mats and blankets out at night. Once they put the walls in for Splinter's room and a dojo and rooms for the four of them -- even if they only put two rooms in as Master Splinter had suggested so that Mikey and Raph share and he and Leo share (which made sense; Mikey and Raph's untidiness would drive Leo to distraction, in Don's considered opinion) -- but even then, the "main room" wouldn't be very big. Okay, they could play in the sewers and more and more of their training these days was either out in the sewers or up topside – either individually or in pairs with Master Splinter – so, presumably, if they lost space that would become more of a regular occurrence, but it would mean less and less time all together.
And he loved it when the lair was like this -- all of them doing their own thing, none of them interfering with each other, none of them fighting… but, still, all of them kind of together. They all liked doing their own thing in free time and if Raph thought that his liking for taking things apart was as odd as he found Raph and Mikey's games, what did it matter?
He smiled to himself as he looked back down at his clock, thinking about this. The four of them were all as different as could be, but each of them had something in common with the others: he and Leo were quiet while Raph and Mikey were noisy; he and Raph were kind of practical while Mikey and Leo were more imaginative; and he and Mikey were less bothered about WINNING in sparring and training -- while Raph and Leo competed in everything, ESPECIALLY training.
And suddenly he was back to training… back to sparring… back to his BIG problem.
Coward. What use ARE you?
He'd been trying NOT to think about what Raph had said… but now he was back to pondering the continuing problem of how he was going to fit into the Clan. Raph was right, he WAS a coward. He was scared of getting hurt and he was scared of hurting one of his brothers. The others didn't feel like this. THEY enjoyed training because they all wanted to be ninjas. He was scared of training and scared of sparring and scared of fighting and scared of WEAPONS and -- and the realisation was frightening -- he didn't WANT to be a ninja. Not now, not when he was grown-up, not EVER.
But… but if I don't wanna be a ninja, what AM I? What can I BE, if not a ninja? He dropped the cog he was holding and it bounced and rolled away -- invisible and irretrievable. He didn't even care.
What am I and what am I doing in a ninja Clan? He… he didn't belong. He'd never belonged. He'd never liked the same things as the others. He'd never done the same things as the others. He was ODD. Even Master Splinter found his fascination with taking things apart to be odd. Liking math was odd. Reading the dictionary was odd. Wanting to find and study the ooze to find out why and how it had changed them from ordinary animals was odd… and odd was bad.
…
He wasn't just the worst at training. He was BAD. He was the worst. He was the worst and he didn't belong. He didn't want to be a ninja and Master Splinter wanted them all to be ninjas and… and… he was just WRONG… and he shouldn't be here getting all protected and fed and taught and given presents. He didn't deserve it.
If he wasn't going to pay the Clan back by belonging, he ought not to have the advantages of being IN the Clan.
He didn't deserve to be here.
He didn't deserve to be here and that meant that there was only one thing that he ought to do. Something to make it right. Something to ensure that his wrongness never affected the others and never caused trouble. He had to leave. Now.
His breath caught at the thought.
He had to leave. Carefully, slowly, he put his clock -- all its bits, except the cog he'd just lost, neatly inside the case -- onto the floor in front of him and slowly, carefully got to his feet.
He had to leave… but… maybe, maybe he could take a couple of things with him? Things that were his? Things that the others wouldn't miss. Things like his "Book of Answers" and the dictionary. And Titian, his bug.
Biting his lip and looking around nervously in case any of the others tried to stop him, he crept over to the wall where their crates stood. He rooted through, under his blankets, to find a battered leather satchel -- the strap had been broken but Splinter had fixed it -- and Titian's jar.
Something in the crate slipped with a bump and he held his breath… but none of his brothers so much as looked up. Titian's jar safely in his satchel, he stood and inched his way to the shelf where their few books stood.
His "Book of Answers", the big fat dictionary… and the encyclopaedia that he was pretty sure he was the only one to use. Except that when he tried to get all three books into his satchel, they didn't fit. He paused for a moment, calculating, then put the encyclopaedia and the "Book of Answers" upright side by side in the back pocket and Titians jar in one of the front pockets. It was tight, but they all fitted. He wouldn't be able to shut the satchel now, but he'd just have to very careful how he carried it. Then he put the dictionary back on the shelf. It was a wrench, but it was just too big… and the other books were better to have; they told about more things and even had math stuff in them.
Crouching on the floor, he froze as what he was about to do really hit him. What am I doing? He was about to go out into the tunnels and never come back. Do… do I have to go? I mean I could stay and … and keep taking things I don't deserve? Maybe he could talk to Master Splinter, TELL him that didn't want to be a ninja… and maybe he'd let him off training. No. He hadn't let Raph off reading just because Raph said he didn't want to do it and never would. And anyway, what good would I be to the Clan then? How could he earn a place? Be worthy? And if he told him, Master Splinter would probably never be proud of him again. He was a ninja master, and his Master Yoshi was a ninja master and he wanted them all to be ninja masters, too. He'd be so disappointed in me.
That thought, the thought that the master would not be proud of him if he knew, alongside the certain knowledge that Splinter EXPECTED him to learn how to be a ninja and a good one too and would make him keep practicing until he WAS… all that was enough to convince him that the only way was out.
His eye fell on the little dictionary as he picked up the satchel. That'll fit. He picked it up and stowed it away with his other treasures and was starting to inch his way away from the book shelf and towards… well, he wasn't quite sure, yet, when a fight EXPLODED on the far side of the lair. He froze, guiltily, together with the bag of things he was pretty much stealing, as Leo emerged from his den to run over and see what was going on.
He'd noticed, without really thinking about it, that Raph and Mikey's voices had been getting louder but they were always arguing about something… And as Leo arrived and made things worse by starting shouting and bossing BOTH Raph and Mikey around and a full-scale three-way battle developed… he realised. This was his chance. He brothers were all far too occupied to ever notice that he wasn't there. They'd never know he was gone until it was too late… and then they'd all be able to get on with things. Get on with making Master Splinter prouder than he ever could, get on with learning to be ninjas.
To think was to act. With ninja stealth and caution, born of natural quietness and long, assiduous training, he made his way over to the door, opened it, slipped through and closed it behind him, all without making a sound.