Author's Note: Thank you to everyone who's taking the time to read this little story and a thousand thank yous to those of you who have reviewed. It's rightly said that one must write for oneself - but one publishes for others, and knowing that people are enjoying this story is VERY rewarding. Thanks again - I hope you all enjoy this latest chapter.
Sitting on the ledge beneath the grating, Donnie wondered how long he'd been gone and whether anyone had noticed that he was missing yet. It felt like he'd been gone ages – and it was only the first night. Perhaps Master Splinter was back by now. Perhaps they were looking for him. He had no way of telling. He tried to tell himself it didn't matter anyway. He was not a part of their world any longer.
Lonely and – if he was honest with himself – a little bit scared, he hugged Titian's jar for comfort and stared up at the night sky. After all the rain of the past week, it was a perfect, cloudless night and he could just about see the white crescent of the moon against the black sky. It was a pity he couldn't see any stars. Gazing at the sky always made him feel that there was a part of the world that was his and his brothers' in spite of the fact that they were so different and had to hide away for their own safety. It was so BIG, that even the humans and their concerns were as small and insignificant as a family of five mutants was in a city of eight million humans. There was peace up there. There was something so still, so high, so special that it even made him forget a little bit of his grief and fear at being all alone. There was a Universe and the world was part of it and so were all the living things on the planet – and the Universe was big enough for everyone and everything, even a mutated rat and four mutant turtles.
"Nice night."
He almost fell off the ledge in shock at the sudden sound of Leo's voice. Luckily, he'd automatically clutched at Titian's jar and hadn't dropped it, but it had been close. "What are you DOING here Leo?"
Leo didn't answer for a minute, as he settled himself down on the ledge. He gazed at the sky and Don saw him smile.
"It's beautiful, but we're not supposed to be here…" A worried look and then a frown replaced the smile as Leo turned to him. "See... I found a cog. On the floor in the lair when I was tidying up. And when I looked for you to give it back to you, I couldn't find you. And then I thought you might have hidden from the fight… And your stuff was all mucked up so I tidied that up too… and saw that some of your books had gone. What are you doing, Donnie? Why are you sitting out here with your satchel and your favourite books and your pet?"
"Titian isn't a pet. I'm studying him."
"Okay, okay… but why are you studying him in a sewer tunnel instead of in the lair?"
"Because… because the lair isn't my home any more." He sniffed in spite of himself at actually saying it. "I'm… I'm leaving… I've left." His voice had got quieter and quieter.
"WHAT!" Leo's shout echoed. He glanced around as if scared someone would have heard and dropped his voice. "What? For good? I… I know we were fighting and you hate that, but why… Why? What could make you…" He paused, his frowned deepened and he spoke slowly and hesitatingly, "Is… is this about… about what Raph said earlier?"
"No." Donnie shook his head forcefully. "How did you find me anyway?" So much for me being the stealthiest.
"When I couldn't find you in the lair I… I… went into the tunnels… and I saw these floating, so I guessed which way you went," Leo held up a couple of soggy dictionary pages. "And I remembered what you said about liking it here underneath the grating where you could look up and see topside and the sky… I just thought you'd be trying to get away from the fight… Look, Donnie, I told you, Raph was wrong. You're not a coward."
"Uh-uh. I didn't leave because Raph CALLED me a coward, Leo. I left because it's true." He looked away from his brother and stared, very hard, at his own knees. "I am a coward. I'm just plain scared all the time." Donnie hugged his legs and hid his face against his knees. Leo would hate him now he knew.
He felt a very gentle touch against his shoulder. "What of?" Leo's voice was almost a whisper.
He didn't look up. Now he'd told Leo some of it, he might as well tell him all of it. After all he was TRYING to make it right. "Of… of sparring and fighting and training and weapons… and of getting hurt, or hurting one of you guys… and of being in danger all the time from humans who'd want to kill us or cut us up or puts us in a cages if they found us… and of having to fight them if they DID find us… Oh, Leo, I'm scared of everything."
"So's Mikey."
"No… it's not the same. You know it isn't."
"Gee… Donnie, I mean it IS a long list… but…" Leo was silent for a minute. Perhaps he'll understand, now. Perhaps he'll get why I have to go away. And maybe he'll help me… except… now I've gone, I guess I'm not his brother anymore. A large tear rolled down Don's face, followed by another, and another. He lifted his face from his knees, sniffing as the tears dripped off his beak. He wiped them away, biting his lip and screwing up his eyes in an effort to stop crying. Baby. Leo will despise you now.
"Donnie!" Leo looked upset himself when Don dared peek at his brother for his reaction. "You know what Master Splinter says, don't you, Donnie? 'Only a fool fears nothing.' Cowardice isn't about being afraid. It's about being too scared to do something, too scared to FACE your fears." His voice was getting louder and louder in his agitation.
"So cowardice is about running away. You see. I AM a coward." Now that he'd started, he couldn't stop the tears, or the sobs that shook him. He hid his face, utterly ashamed, not just that he was crying, but that Leo was watching him.
"What's goin' on? What you doin' out in the sewer?"
Oh NO! Not Raph.
"Guys! We're so not supposed to be out here. If Master Splinter comes back we'll be in huge trouble!"
And Mikey, too. Perfect.
"Where did you two come from?"
"You an' Donnie weren't in the lair. So we went in the tunnels to see where you'd gone an' then we heard you shouting, Leonardo. So we came to investigate, in case there was trouble. You got a problem with that?"
"Go back to the lair, both of you. I'm dealing with this."
"With wha'… hey. Is Donnie CRYING?"
"Don't you DARE start making fun of him, Raphael. This is all your fault."
"What is?"
"THIS! Donnie's trying to leave home!"
"Because of what Raph said?" Mikey's voice was shrill with incredulity.
Don took a huge gulp of air and managed to speak. "No." Sniff. "This has nothing to do with that." Sniff. "I'm going because I don't WANT to be a ninja."
Through his tears he saw three brothers whose faces looked like the dictionary definition of shock. Wide eyes, open mouths. Leo was opening and closing his mouth as if the words wouldn't come, Raph was shaking his head and Mikey looked like he was about to start crying himself.
"You... don't want...?" Leo was still having trouble finding words, it seemed.
"Donnie, you've gotta wanna be a ninja -- 's what we ARE."
"How can you not WANT...? WHY?"
He sniffed. "I KNOW it's what we are supposed to be, Mikey and I've been trying and trying to be like you guys and want it and think it's a good thing to be and like training. But I DON'T. So you see, I have to go away... because I don't fit in."
"But WHY not, Donnie? You've gotta have a reason. You always got a reason!"
He rubbed his eyes and took a deep breath... and hiccoughed. He always did that when he'd been sobbing. "I do have a reason..." Hic. "But I don't think you'd understand." Hic.
"Try us." Leo's voice was very gentle and his hand still rested on Don's shoulder. "We're listening, Don. We're all here. Maybe we can help."
"Yeah. You're pro'lly thinkin' all wrong, Donnie. We can put you right."
Hic. "Okay." Hic. "I'll tell you." Hic "But you tell me something first." What IS a ninja... no, what," Hic. "What do you think a ninja is?" Hic.
"A ninja's a warrior. Someone who never has to be scared, not ever. Someone noble and brave and fearless. Someone who can use all the powers of the universe – body, mind and spirit. A completely developed being. A Master of himself and his environment."
Trust Leo to have memorised Master Splinter's teachings, word for word.
"You just described Master Splinter, Leo," said Mikey, grinning. "There should be a picture of Master Splinter next to the word ninja in the dictionary. But that IS what a ninja is. A warrior. A hero. A superman. Or a Spider-Man!" Leo rolled his eyes, as Mikey developed the theme. "Or a Batman! Or an X-man! They were even mutants like us! But yeah, someone with loads of gadgets an' cool super powers and stuff – THAT'S a ninja."
Raph nodded. "A ninja's a fighter. Someone who can fight an' win 'gainst anyone who calls him names or tries to hurt him. Someone whose weapons are anythin' he chooses to use as a weapon . Who WOULDN'T wanna be a ninja?"
"'Kay. An' now I'll tell you what a ninja is. A ninja is a killer. An assassin. Someone whose weapons are the tools he uses to make death. Someone who does whatever his Clan leader says... or whatever he's been paid to do. Someone who delivers death."
"Nuh-huh!"
"No. No. Ninja's used to protect people. Master Splinter told me."
"Yeah. I know, like Splinter killed those humans that saw me an' Mikey that time. To protect us an' keep us safe."
"He DID!" From the looks on Mikey and Leo's faces, they were as shocked as Don was by that.
"Yeah," Raph shrugged. "He told me. That way they couldn't go lookin' fer us or anything ever again. So what, anyway, Don? Why SHOULDN'T you deliver death to your Enemies?"
"Do... do you WANT to kill, Raph?"
Raph paused and then spoke more quietly than he usually did. "Yeah. I wanna kill anyone who thinks he's gonna try to put me in a cage or a lab or cut me up and kill me. I wanna kill anyone who'll put Splinter, or Mikey, or you or even Leo in a cage, or cut YOU guys up, or kill you guys. I wanna kill anyone who's gonna make me hide and be afraid..." He looked away, up topside and then down the tunnel. "I wanna make the humans suffer fer what they do to us. I wanna kill anyone who thinks he's better 'n us. Anyone who thinks we BELONG in a sewer."
"There's about eight million people just in New York, Raph. You can't kill EVERYONE." Leo's face was worried.
"I don't believe you, anyway." Don gulped and hiccoughed. That wasn't a good thing to say to Raph, but he'd already risked everything. "You've seen rats who've been poisoned. You've seen rats dying in a trap with their backs broken. Does dying look EASY to you? Do you really think you could do that to ANYONE?"
"Splinter said that you mustn't start enjoying killin', but that you must always be ready to do it if you have to. An' if someone was a threat to me... or to you guys... or Splinter, course I could. I'd do it and never feel a thing. They'd kill us if they had the chance, Don."Raph was unusually serious, for him.
"Then congratulations." hic. "You'd probably make a great ninja. But I don't want to KILL. Not nothing, not no-one, not EVER!" Hic.
"But... but just 'cause of that, it don't mean that you don't belong at home, don't belong with us! You're our brother. We're a family."
"We're a ninja Clan, Mikey. Where's the room in a ninja Clan for someone who doesn't want to be a ninja?"
"So what DO you wanna be?"
Do I DARE say? They won't get it. They'll laugh…