Fandom: Coupling
Title: Old Wives
Beta: Not betaed. Sorry for all errors
Rating: 12
Paring: Steve/Susan
Spoilers/set: Season 4
Summary: (I can't actually think how to summarise this. Sorry)
A/N: So this is the first chapter of my first attempt at Coupling fan fiction. So I'd love to know what people think.
Chapter 1
"Steve how high would you say my bump is?" Asked Susan as she stepped in front of Steve, blocking his view of the television with her baby bump. Not that it mattered as Susan's rather odd question had distracted Steve from the television.
Somewhat worried Steve looked up at Susan with an expression of uncertainty and his brow wrinkled as he stuttered. "Wh-what?"
Turning to the side Susan stoop up as straight as her pregnancy allowed and asked again. "The bump. Would you say it was high or low?"
£$
"What kind of a question is that?" Asked Patrick puzzled as he picked up his glass of Guinness and made his way to his usual brown leather arm chair.
Steve took a quick sip of his beer as he followed behind Patrick. He placed his glass of beer on the table as he sat in his usual spot on the red couch. He sat forward with his arms rested on his thighs. "In the tone it was asked it was worryingly similar to that question women ask after they've dragged you round thousands of clothe shops and as they finally try something on ask you..." Steve paused slightly as he prepared himself for a high pitched impersonation of Susan. "What do you think of this outfit darling?" A flicker of past bad memories seemed to cross Steve's face and he raised his finger in the air as he spoke animatedly. "And you know, you know that in the 30 minutes they've spent looking at themselves in the new outfit in the fitting room mirror that they've annualised every minute detail of this potential new outfit and they know everything that's wrong with it." Steve shrugged his shoulders. "So why do they ask us for our opinion? We know that they want more than 'it's nice' but we know that even if we say more than that, we're still going to be wrong and we're going to be accused of saying they've got a fat arse, or large ankles or something." Steve paused taking a sip of his beer.
"You just can't win." Chipped in Patrick.
"Exactly. So I know that she has an ideal answer and I have a fifty, fifty chance of getting it right. But I know, I know because I'm a man I'm gonna get it wrong and because of those…" Steve held his hands out and said in a sarcastic sing song voice. "…hormones. That the conversation will be on thin ice." Steve took another sip of his beer.
"So how did you answer?"
Steve placed his glass of beer back down and lent back on the couch, stretching his arm out across the back of the couch. "In the way I always do."
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Steve sat forward and stretched out his arm, his hand making a circling motion as he gestured at Susan and towards her baby bump. "Well erm…" His lower lips stuck out as he seemed to think about the right way to answer the rather insane question. "It's erm..." He paused. "Well I'd say it was kind of middling."
Irritated by the indecisive answer Susan rubbed one hand over her baby bump as the other rested on the base of her back, the tips of her fingers massaging her aching back muscles. "Steve keeping the fence pole firmly up your bottom is not going to get you out of answering this question. So..." Susan took a deep breath as she turned to face the bump towards Steve slightly before turning back to give him the side view once again. "…does the bump look high or low to you."
Steve tilted his head to the side casting his eyes up and down Susan baby bump trying to judge whether it was in a high or low position. "Well, erm I'd say it's… high."
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"And was that the answer she was looking for?"
Steve scoffed as he lifted the pint of beer to his lips. "Of course not."
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Susan lovingly rubbed her hand up and down her baby bump as if Steve's answer had been insulting to it. Her face had fallen at Steve's answer and she looked at him with disappointment. "You really think it's high?"
Steve fidgeted on the couch. "Well…" And began back tracking. "…highish but now you come to mention it I guess it could be on the low side."
Susan turned to face Steve, crossing her arms over her chest. "You're just saying that now because you think it's what I want to hear."
"Well obviously."
"Oh Steve…"
Steve stood so he could at least have the height advantage in the argument. "Well Susan I don't go around examining other pregnant women's bumps for a hobby. How am I meant know if your bump is top, middle or bottom. I mean the bump is new on you ."
Susan nodded her head in thought, biting her lower lip "You know, you're right."
"I am?" Steve said cautiously.
Susan nodded her head. "Yes, so better to stick to a subject you know something about." She uncrossed her arms from over her chest and stepped back from Steve to allow him a better look. "So. Which breast is bigger?" She asked brightly.
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"The right."
On hearing Patrick's opinion of Susan's right breast Steve stopped short of placing his glass of beer to his lips and gave Patrick a pointed stare. "What?" He asked shortly.
Patrick was looking off into the distance as if he had an image of Susan in front of him and was examining her breasts. "Her right breast has definitely gotten bigger than her left one." He stated matter of factly.
Steve placed his glass of beer back onto the table and locked his fingers together tightly as he continued to look at Patrick with a scornful stare. "Uh Patrick have you been ogling my girlfriend, my pregnant girlfriend?" He said with some threat in his voice.
"Well she's a woman."
"Yes, yes Patrick I am very much aware of that. But she is a woman who is carrying my child."
Patrick pointed at Steve. "Isn't it also Susan's child? You know it takes two to tango."
Steve dropped his head slightly and pursed his lips making a sucking sound as he looked back up at Patrick. "And also you're dating Sally. You shouldn't be looking at other women's breasts." Steve reached out to pick up his glass of beer.
"Oh and you haven't been look at other women's breasts while you've been dating Susan." Asked Patrick smugly.
Steve's pint once again hovered at his lips and he looked over at Patrick as if he was about to say something. But instead decided to focus on his pint and take a long gulp.
A smug smile crossed Patrick's face as he raised his glass of Guinness to his lips. "Exactly." Patrick let out a refreshing sound as he swallowed some of his pint. "So which breast did you say was larger?"
Steve took a sip of his pint and rasped. "The right. Obviously."
"And was that the answer she wanted?"
Steve shook his head. "Nope."
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Irritated by Steve's answer Susan threw her head back and stormed off to the kitchen as Steve just stood with his mouth agape somewhat bewildered.
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"So what was with the bump and breast question?" Asked Patrick.
Steve lent back on the couch again his right arm spread out casually along the back of the couch. Dismissively he explained what Susan had hoped to achieve. "Oh she wants to try and find out the sex of the baby by using some old wives tales."
"Old wives tales?" Asked Patrick questioningly.
"Yeah you know those superstitions your mum would tell ya like, don't put new shoes on the table or if you accidental spill salt you should through some over your shoulder." Steve reached forward to pick up his pint. "Lies basically so you wouldn't do anything bad."
Patrick's brow creased in confusion. "How is putting shoes on the table or spilling salt bad?" He took another sip of his Guinness.
Steve lent forward, placing his glass of beer on the table and lent over towards Patrick. He shook his head. "No Patrick I'm talking about the old wives tale. The lie that made all boys everywhere afraid to enjoy a quick whistle in case it made them go blind."
Dumbly Patrick said, "Well that's stupid. I whistle all the time, especially in the shower and I've never gone blind." He then pursed his lips together and proceeded to whistle.
Steve closed his eyes and shook his head. "No, no Patrick I don't mean whistling…" He tilted his head down slightly and looked pointedly at Patrick and said in a low tone. "I mean whistling." He then made a heavy glance down to his nether region and then back up to Patrick.
What Steve was actually saying began to click in Patrick's head and he pointed at Steve. "Ahh you mean that kind of." He didn't finish the sentence but knowingly nodded his head.
Steve nodded his head shortly as he put the index finger of his right hand on his nose and pointed at Patrick with the index finger of his left hand, indicating that he'd got it.
"So if old wives tales are rubbish why is Susan using them to try and determine the sex of the baby?" Asked Patrick.
Steve scratched the back of his head, letting out a sigh. "Because whenever we have an ultra sound of the baby he…" He removed his hand from his head and held it out in the air as he firmly continued.. "…or she, is always facing the wrong way. So the doctor can't tell what sex he, or she is."
Patrick spread his arms out wide. "Well clearly it's a girl. You know what woman are like whenever a camera is within a 100 meters of them. They suddenly get all shy and nervous about having their picture taken."
"That's what I said. But Susan said that was a stupid way to try and determine the sex of the baby. But oh no…" He took a quick sip of his pint. "…you give a woman a few old wives tales about bumps and breast to determine the baby's sex and suddenly she's all interested."
"So what does a high bump and a larger right breast mean?"
"That we're having a boy. So obviously now she believes those old wives tales are rubbish."
Patrick absently nodded his head. "So I take it she wants a girl."
"Yep." Steve laughed un-amusingly. "You know what she said? She said. Well I already have one toddler running around the place demanding his tea that it's only fair that I have girl to even things out." Steve scoffed and pointed vigorously to himself. "Can you believe that, calling me a toddler. It's insulting."
"That is unfair. I mean your demanding for your tea on top of your collection of porn and solo whistling indicate that you're actually the age of a teenage boy."
Steve looked at Patrick highly insulted. "That's worse."
"How is that worse?" He took a quick sip of his pint. "It's the truth."
"Because a man who has a cupboard filled with sex tapes of his exes is saying that I have the maturity of an acne covered, long haired, serial wanker." Replied Steve in a high pitched, incredulous tone.
Patrick pointed defiantly at Steve. "Steve you know as well as I do that a man's maturity hit's the ceiling at 18 years of age. From then on we're wanting the same thing now as we did then." Patrick counted them off on his fingers. "Tits, arse, lesbians and threesomes."
"Yeah well I've moved beyond that now." Steve pointed determinedly to himself. "I am a grown man, a mature man and I'm going to be a…" He began to waver and his pointing became less vigorous. "…I'm going to be…" He swallowed hard. "…a father." He closed his eyes and shivered rubbing his hands over his face. "Oh it doesn't bear thinking about."
Patrick raised his glass triumphantly and smiled broadly at Steve. "And know as well as tits and arse. You've got your threesome."
Steve lowered his hands and stared coldly at Patrick.
A/N: Okay so what do people think? Should I continue with the story?