Note: I found some things that conflicted with later chapters and so I fixed them.

"I am now plagued with more memories. It's as if they were waiting for the right time to swamp me. They all come at once. Memories, some I haven't even thought of for a long time. Memories I would have wished to forget…"

Written by Alexandrea in her Journal

We stop for camp as the sun settles itself down in the west. It has been a very boring day. Lancelot has ridden beside my carriage for the last part of the journey and so I did not have the chance to speak with anyone. I climb out of my carriage and look around me. We are in a grassy glen, next to some trees and a small river. I smile, I am dying for some way to cool down, sitting in the carriage with its curtains drawn is very hot and stuffy. I glance around me, the knights are all going about their own business, I think I can slip away later if I plan things just right.

The knights go about their chores, building fires, setting up a perimeter, and preparing the evening meal. I sit off to the side, watching the activities seeming they will not allow me to participate. My mind wanders to the past. I remember what it was like at home on evenings like this. We would sit in the courtyard, Mother, Father, and I. Some of the servants would join up here and there. The most common visitors were Conn and Max, two of the stable hands and my friends since childhood. We would sit around and just talk, Mother and Father to each other and I with the stable boys.

Conn and Max were a few years older then me, handsome, and cousins. When we were younger, we would roam the village and take on the village children. We were inseparable, at least until I was twelve and Mother thought it was not proper for a young lady to run around with stable hands. We still met in secret; whenever we had free moments we would meet in the stables and go riding, just to escape our worlds that were changing so fast around us that we barely had time to catch our breaths. Our rides were the highlight of my days and I thought I could live like this, and everything changed again.

My mind comes back to present when one of the knights places a plate of food before me. I smile and thank him as I take the plate into my hands. I look at my food; it is a travel stew with hard bread. I take a small nibble and then devour it. It has an interesting flavor and smells wonderful. When I am done, I look around to see the knights all staring at me. I blush slightly and put the plate down.

When the meal is done, the knights set up their watches and then settle down for sleep. I find a bed roll and hide it in the carriage. They insist that I sleep in there for it is protected and would be much more comfortable. I pretend to comply with their wishes, but if they think I will sleep in the stuffy carriage on such a beautiful night, they are wrong.

I wait until I am sure they are a sleep and the watchmen are gone before I slip out of the carriage. I grab the bed roll and a blanket and then edge my way around the camp and towards the river. Once I am at the river, I begin to disrobe until all I am standing in my undergarments. I look at my reflection in the water and laugh silently to myself. I looked like a little girl, not a young woman. Slowly, I walk into the water. It freezes my blood and I am frozen. Shivers run up and down my spine and my flesh is covered in bumps. Mustering my courage, I take a deep breath and plunge into the rivers dark icy depths.

A thousand pins prick my skin and my breath is pulled out of me. I break through the glassy surface and gasp for breath; I hadn't expected it to be this cold. Holding my breath, I wait until my body adjusts to the temperature. I hear a chuckle from shore and I jump.

"Calm down, it's only us," a voice calls out. I look towards shore and see Gawain and another knight sitting there by my discarded gown and blanket.

"What are you doing?" I ask, trying to cover up my embarrassment for being caught in my undergarments in icy water.

"We were wondering the same exact thing," the other knight replies.

"I was just taking a swim."

"Oh, is that right? Just taking a swim in the middle of the night, in icy water, in your underclothes no less. Is the proper lady-like behavior?" the other knight asks sarcastically.

"Tristan, behave," Gawain tells his companion. I look at the knight called Tristan. He is the scout and has always been gone since the start of the journey so I had not had the pleasure to speak with him yet, but at the precise moment I am not at all thrilled with speaking with him.

"Well," I start, trying to muster as much dignity as I can. "I could not possibly go swimming bare and so I had to use something. As to the middle of the night, I could not sleep and thought the cool water would clear my head."

"Would that be before or after you caught cold?" Tristan asks.

I glare at them. "If you are going to poke fun, I suggest you go on your way and leave me alone."

Gawain holds up his hands as if to call a truce, "Forgive us, milady, we mean not to insult you."

I look at them; they seem sincere. "Very well, now turn around so I can get out." They obey and I climb out of and wrap myself in the blanket I brought with me, eagerly accepting its warmth. Once I am completely covered, they turn back around. I shiver as a light breeze entwines itself in my wet hair.

"Are you cold, milady, we can get another blanket," Gawain offers.

"No, I'm fine. And its Alexandrea or Alexa, just quit calling me 'milady', it makes me feel out of place."

"As you wish, mi…Alexandrea." I smile at him. I am getting through to him.

Tristan gets up and says, "Well, I'm going to make another sweep of the perimeter. I'll be back."

We watch him walk away. I stare at the ground and he looks around us. "My father loved it here," I mutter.

Gawain looks at me and asks, "What do you mean?"

"He stayed here even after he met my mother. Three years he stayed after he sent her to his estate in Rome. My mother always worried about him while he was here."

Gawain looks at me confused. "What are you talking about?"

"What, oh, please forgive me; sometimes I just say things out loud to myself. It's a bad habit."

"No, there is nothing to forgive." He looks at me as if waiting for me to explain what I had said. I sigh. I had wanted someone to talk to; I might as well talk now that I have one.

"My father lived here, as I mentioned previous, and he saved my mother. They lived here for a year and then my father thought it was best that she lived in the safety of his family estate in Rome where she would be well protected. My father stayed behind to help with some villages and teach some of the future commanders a few ideas. He spent three years teaching, not knowing that I had been born, if he had known about me he would have returned sooner.

"He came home and found me and my mother. He was overjoyed to discover me. We lived happily on his family farm. Unfortunately, he thought it was his duty to continue one teaching his ideas and began to take on the high Roman officials. They did not like that and they…" I stop. I cannot tell him. It is much harder than I thought. If it were Conn or Max perhaps I could but not to this knight that I had just met, I am not ready yet.

"Forgive me, I cannot go on."

He looks at me and then replies, "That's alright, milady, if you do ever want to talk, you can talk to me."

"Thank you, that is comforting to know." I have no will to talk anymore and pick up my dress and walk back to the carriage. Someday, someday they will know; if not them then someone. I climb back into the carriage and pull my dress back on. I think of Mother, I think of Father, I think of what life use to be like. I wish things were the way they were, but I know that it will never be. I roll up in my blanket and wait for sleep.

Sleep is elusive and instead of dreams, memories plague me. I am back home, going on a ride with Conn and Max. They were arguing about some village lass they have both pursued, not knowing that the lass he was hunting was the same. I sit quietly, I have gotten used to their bickering.

We come to our childhood hide out and let the horses graze. The boys strip down to their trousers and leap into the pond, screaming as they hit the water. I inspect them and notice the subtle changes their bodies began. They were beginning to thicken out and muscle up. I notice the small patches of hair growing on their chests. I blush and avert my eyes; it is not proper lady like behavior to look at the opposite gender in such detail.

They call for me to join them, but I shake my head. They were not the only ones to go through changes. I turn and sit off by myself as they swim. To them, I am still the little girl they ran around with, and I begin to wonder if that is all I ever be to them. They begin to plague me and are soon out trying to pull me into the water. We all fall in in a great heap and resurface, laughing.

I am pulled down by my skirts and they have to pull be back to shore. I am angry with them for Mother will have my hide for ruining another gown. I scream at them and they smile and then they stop. I look at them ask, "What's wrong?"

"Y…Y…" stutters Conn.

"What?"

"When did you become a girl?" Max spits out.

"Become a girl? I've always been one!" I exclaim. They turn red and turn their eyes away from me. I look at myself in the water, trying to fix my hair when I notice that my bodice sticks to me like a second skin. I turn a bright red as Conn offers me his jacket. I take it and we make our way home. After that they began to treat me differently, tripping over themselves whenever I was around. I never understood why they did that.

I am brought back to the present by a nickering horse near by. It is odd that this memory would choose to surface, but I still smile as I remember the looks on their faces. Thinking about them makes me homesick and I try my best to turn my mind away from memories, from the past. It is over now, all of it, there is no need to remember it, no need to at all. My chest tightens as I remember how they all deserted us when they took Father. Everyone, Max and everyone else. I should not miss them; I will not miss them. They don't think of me and I won't think of them.

Angrily, I toss and turn, angry more at myself for my petty hatred to my friends. It was not their fault they left, perhaps they had to leave, perhaps they were forced to leave. I don't know the reason, but I will not hate them, at least not forever.

I close my eyes and this time sleep claims me and I drift off. As I drift off, I see the knights and then Mother and Father and Conn and Max. To tired to think about things, I let my mind rest and sleep.