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"The memories now blend into everything else. I find that they are as real as if they are happening. They attack me more frequently and are longer and more emotional…"

Written about Alexandrea's memory attacks in her Journal.

We ride. Oh, how we ride. Gawain has two horses waiting and to my joy it is not the dull mare but one of the knights' horses, I think it might be Gawain's. Galahad helps me mount the horse and we ride, not far from camp, but I am far to excited to complain, I am riding a real horse, that's all that matters. We ride a few circles around the campsite and then he leads me off towards a small glen of trees.

For a few brief minutes I forget where I am and I am back at home riding with Conn. After Max and Conn's fight in the stable, they have taken to riding with me alone. It is never the three of us any more. I don't mind though, they were getting rather boring when it was just the three of us. There is this dark cloud that hangs on them when we are together, which is not there when I am only with one of them.

Conn and I race across the fields. Since the night we met things have gotten more like they use to be. I don't know where the great change came from, but I am happy it has happened. My father smiles at me once in a while; it's almost as if he knows something that I don't. Father is very nice to Conn and Mother is very mean. She tries to prevent me from riding with him but Father intervenes. I am glad of that. I cannot understand the sudden change in Mother's behavior towards Conn, she seems to hate him, but she has always liked him before. It is all so confusing.

Conn has made the effort to take me riding three times this week and I am thrilled. It is like old times, oh how I missed them. I only wish Max would join us, but he seems to avoid both of us. If only I knew who the lady is that caused such a rift between them I would kill her. She has disrupted my happy life and caused a war with my best friends. I try to get the lady's name from Conn, but he only smiles and denies it all. It angers me when he does that, it's like he knows something I don't and I hate it when people keep things from me.

We race through the fields, if Mother sees me, which she probably already has, I'm in for atleast three weeks of house arrest and solitary confinement, or worse, she might live up to her threats and actually send me to court. How terrible that would be. I pull Apollo to a stop and walk him to cool him down. Conn stops and falls into step with me, a bit confused at the reason we stopped racing.

"Mother, she will see," I explain.

"So?"

"She might live up to her threat this time and send me to court. I hate court. I think I will live with behaving at home then to be placed on the examining table of the idiotic fools who call themselves nobles so they can dissect me and rub my face in my faults. I know what my faults are and I am rather fond of them."

Conn laughs. "Very well, we shall behave. I can't see at court. I'm surprised they let you come. I thought they didn't allow wild animals there."

"Conn, I am no wild animal."

"No, now that I think of it you're not a wild animal, perhaps some half tamed pet that they insist on keeping around."

"I am no animal, I am a young lady," I say, trying to keep a straight face. I fail miserable and we end up laughing. "I suppose I shall never be a lady. Father said I have too much of my grandfather in me. A restless spirit that causes great grief for it is not easily tamed and it sometimes causes people to act irrationally. I don't know how Mother does it. I wish I was more like her." I start mumbling to myself.

Conn looks at me, "Why on earth would you want that?"

"She's beautiful. If only I could be like her. She has perfect manners, and even if most people won't admit it to their friends, many people greatly admire her for her grace, intellect, beauty, composure, and manners."

Conn chuckles, "Yes, she may be all those but I do believe I know some one who is far prettier then she."

I eye him, could this be the mysterious lady that he and Max were fighting about. "I do believe you are mistaken, no one is as beautiful as Mother."

Conn leans over and whispers, "Her…"

"Here we are," Gawain says, finally breaking the silence that engulfed us as we rode. Conn melts away and I find myself near a pond. Gawain dismounts and walks over to help me but before he can I am out of the saddle and standing in front of him. He looks a little shocked but quickly recovers. "Forgive me, I…"

I smile, "I know, it has been my lot in life to surprise people." I think of the ride with Conn, his confession. I see his handsome tanned face. His blue eyes laughing at me, his black hair falling around his face in all directions for the wind was his stylist. He was never surprised, neither were Father and Max.

Gawain leads me to the pond and I look at him. "What are we doing here?"

"I thought you'd like to see the area a bit."

I raise my eyebrows. "And it could not be done in the daylight?"

He looks at me sheepishly, so like Conn. I shake my head and sit down. I don't care the reason, I am content just to be out where I can breathe the fresh air and see the stars. We sit in silence. What a wonderful silence.

Finally Gawain speaks. "Are you enjoying yourself?"

I smile, "Yes."

"Is it true? What you said to Lancelot today about you riding since you were little?"

"Yes."

"Are there any other things you can do that we should know about?"

"I don't know. Perhaps."

He laughs. "Will you reveal them eventually or give us some warning?"

"Depends."

"On what?"

"On what I feel like doing."

Gawain looks at me. He wears a half-grin as if expecting to laugh soon.

"What is that look for?"

"I'm waiting for you to astound me." He grins.

"Well you shall have to wait. I don't feel like astounding today." I get up and walk back to the horse. There is something else he's here for but he won't tell me. "Well, I thank you for taking me on this ride, I thoroughly enjoyed it. But now I think we best getting back, we have much more traveling to do, and I don't Galahad would appreciate having to walk because his mount is exhausted from our midnight jaunt."

"Wait."

I turn around and face him. "Yes?"

"I'm suppose to find out more about your background. Arthur is curious and he wants to know more about your situation."

The motive. Anger boils inside me. "Forgive me sir," I state coldly. "I have nothing to tell you. It is my business and no concern of yours." I swing up on my horse and gallop away before he could stop me. Why does everything always have to have a hidden motive?

In my anger I remember, I remember Max. He waits for me, I know he's there for I have seen him but he never emerges. Why he doesn't join me and Conn on our rides is far beyond me and I have given up on trying to discover why he is so stand-offish lately. I come to the stables looking for Conn, we are to go riding this afternoon, and instead of Conn I find Max waiting for me. I smile, "It has been a long time."

"Yes."

"Where's Conn?"

"He's gone."

"Gone?"

"He left, gone for good."

I look at him. "That's not possible."

"It is. He left. Said to say good-bye."

"You lie. He would never leave without telling me."

"He had to leave early this morning," Max states matter-of-factly.

I get the feeling he enjoys the fact that his cousin is gone. I don't know why. They use to be such good friends. "I don't believe you."

"He asked me to take you on your ride this afternoon."

I look at him. He seems to be gloating. "He will come. If he is leaving he will come and tell me." I am angry with Max. Not for the news he bears for that would be petty of me. It is the manner that he is talking to me in. It's not like his usual self.

"Are we going for our ride?'

"No, I shall wait for Conn. I don't know what's wrong with you Max but I don't like you right now."

He glares at me. "What do you mean?"

"You have become bitter and you seem glad that Conn is gone. You are very mean to not tell me where he went, that is if he even went anywhere. If you lied to me Max I shall not talk to you ever again."

"What's so special about Conn?" he spits. "Since when did you and he become such good friends?"

"I don't have to answer to you." I walk away, determined to find Conn. If I didn't know better I would swear that Max is jealous of Conn, but why?

The horse stops and I look around me. Everything is dark and all the scenery looks the same. I ride around, trying to find my bearings but I cannot recognize anything. How could I be so stupid? Me and my rages, I must learn to control them. Hopelessly lost, I pull the horse to a stop and wait. Surely Gawain will look for me. If not him, one of the other knights. I just have to wait. Some one will come. They will.