Note: Thanks for the reviews! Here is yet another installment. Let me know what you think. Thanks.
"I am lost, completely lost and yet they still plague me. Memories. They will find me I hope. They will find me, I know they will…"
Written in Alexadrea's journal about being lost
Me and my temper tantrums, I really must learn how to control them. Mother always said I was foolish to let my emotions have such a strong hold on my actions and she always tried to cure me of them. Father would just laugh at me when I got into trouble due to an ill advised act that I did on the passion of the moment. I look around me. Well I might as well wait for the rescue party to arrive. I curse at myself as I dismount and find a rock to sit on. Now they will never let me leave the carriage. All the progress I made today will be spoiled and the rest of the trip, I fear, will be a complete bore. There will be no one to talk to; Gawain probably thinks I am a complete fool.
The horse settles close by, grazing. I cannot even think of Lancelot's reaction. He will probably gloat and say something on how men are superior to women. In fact, I am beginning to wonder if they will actually come after me. There is really nothing holding them to their order. They could just leave me here and say that I ran away. The Bishop would probably believe that too.
I am not going to wait for them. I will find them, if I look hard enough. Resolved, I remount and start back the way I came, or at least I think.
They laugh at me, Conn and Max. I am so completely clueless that it isn't even funny. Mother sent me to court for the month. How I hate court. I am stuck under the watchful eye of Lady Fuvia, one of the most stick court ladies in existence. She sent me as punishment for me skipping my lessons to go riding with Conn. At least I am not completely alone, in my guard detail, Conn is on it. We are not able to spend time together like we could have at home but he is here with me and I do manage to spend a few hours with him every once in a while, in complete secrecy though, if Lady Fuvia were to find out she would have my head.
I am forced to attend state dinners and to associate with people. I have many young men following me around, which is odd; I am not near as pretty as Lady Lorna, Lady Fuvia's daughter. Lady Lorna is always receiving tokens from her admirers. She has been out for a year and is still not married. I wonder when I will have my coming-out party. It should be soon for I am old enough to try and claim myself a husband, but I am not sure I want one. From what I see at court, the men treat their wives like they are objects. In public they are courtly and polite, but behind closed doors they can be abusive, especially if they don't have their way. Lady Fuvia's husband is like that. I really do not see the reason for marriage. If I marry it will be only for love.
After three weeks at court I have had all I can take of the courtiers and noblemen. I am leaving. I race to the stables to meet Conn, to my luck Lady Fuvia is ill and left me to my own today. Conn is waiting with our horses ready and we leave under the guise that I am going on my afternoon ride. Once we are out of sight of the guard I kick Apollo and we gallop away; Conn close behind me. When our horses tire we slow down the pace to a walk.
"It's so glorious to be free of them," I cry.
Conn smiles, "Where to?"
"Home." We head towards home. That night we camp in an enclosed area. I wonder what Lady Fuvia is doing right now; she is probably frantically searching for me. With any luck it will be a day or two until they send a search party after me. I am too happy to be away to worry much. How could things get better? There is me, Apollo, and Conn going home.
The hoot of an owl brings me back. Nothing looks familiar. Stupid, stupid, stupid. I should just stay where I am, but the stubborn part of me refuses to accept defeat and I continue on, getting more lost by the second.
It is my coming out ball. All the eligible young men are invited. Mother is thrilled and she watches me like a hawk. For the past week I have not even been allowed to leave the house. I wish I could go riding with Conn and find out what he says he's been trying to tell me for the past few months. I don't know why he won't just come out and say it. He starts to say something, and then he acts strangely and leaves. I shall never understand him.
I am in a white dress, full bodice, flowing skirts, sleeves that open up like a bell around my wrists. My dark hair is curled and adorned with white flowers. I have a silver head-dress with one small diamond that sits exactly in the center of my forehead. Mother put face paint on me; it feels very strange, sort of heavy and itchy. Around my neck there is an intricate necklace, it is silver and diamonds in an intricate weaving that glitters against my breast. My gown sparkles with each movement and I feel beautiful. My first thought is to show Conn, but I remember that he will not be here to night, only men of money shall be worthy of my attentions tonight.
I shake my head. I must pay attention, I must. No more dreaming of the past. I try to focus on looking for something that looks familiar.
I descend the stairs. All eyes turn towards me. I see Conn, he is serving beverages. He stops a moment in awe. I smile as he does and I wish it were only him here tonight. The moment I leave the last stair, five men come up to me, all trying to introduce themselves. I put on the polite mask Mother taught me to wear and pretended to listen to them. I watch Conn as he slides in and out of the crowd like a ghost. I dance with every man in the room. A young nobleman with a good fortune, an old widower looking for a wife. I am going to kill Mother tonight. I didn't even want this coming out party. All my suitors are polite but I know they are just seizing me up to see if I would make a good trophy to have by their side.
I can see the thoughts going through their heads. She is pretty enough I suppose, but the lineage might be a problem. Then again, the daughter of Pelagius would be given at a lower price and could be used for as much as a higher priced daughter. When a moment is allowed, I flee the room and hide on the terrace. I wish to be somewhere else, anywhere, I cannot take any more lords telling me how wonderful they are.
A rustling comes from behind me and I hold my breath. Conn appears. "Well, milady, should you not be at the ball?" He grins.
"I am taking a break."
"How could you ever manage to tear yourself away from such wonderful men?"
"I don't know."
"Are you having fun?"
"Ha, far from it. I'd much rather be off riding with you."
"The night is still young; you have a whole lot more to suffer."
"Don't remind me."
He looks at me. "Alexa…You look beautiful."
I blush, I don't know why, it's just a compliment coming from Conn, he's like a brother to me. "Don't make fun of me."
"I'm not."
"Yes, you are. I'm not beautiful. Nothing could make me so."
Conn looks into my eyes. I never realized how blue they were. "You're always beautiful," he whispers. "Alexa…"
"Alexandrea!" I hear a far-off voice. I look around me. I cannot see a thing. "Lady!" another call comes. I stop. Should I try to follow them or should I wait for them? Against my better judgment I make my way towards the voices. As I continue on the voices grow more distant. I stop and listen. I cannot hear them. A little scared, I try to turn back the way I came, but the horse will not move. It is frozen with fear. I look around me, there is nothing here.
There is a rustling in the undergrowth. The horse's ears turn towards it. The sound of labored breath comes. I freeze. A low growl echo's in the deafening silence. It pounces. The horse runs. I fly off and hit the ground. I lie completely still and listen for the creature. It roars and pursues the horse. When everything is quite once more I breathe. Slowly, I get up. Something wet trickles down the side of my face. I feel it, it is warm and sticky. I taste it, blood. Highly annoyed at the fact I am now alone and on foot, I tear a piece of cloth from my skirt and hold it to my head. Now what am I going to do?
The smart part of me tells me to stay, but I fear that another creature lurks close by and I continue on in the opposite direction the horse went. I am surrounded by trees.
"Alexandrea!" a voice cries.
I turn. It's Conn. He's back from market. I run to meet him. "You're back."
He smiles. "I've brought you something."
"What is it?" I ask eagerly.
He pulls out a small package. "Open it."
I smile at him and take the bundle. It is light. Slowly, I pull the wrapping off. It is a small bracelet, simple in design and is the color of silver. I gasp, "Conn, where did you get this? It's beautiful. Thank you!" It is not as elaborate as the gifts my recent suitors showered on my, but Conn's simple bracelet is worth more to me then any of those expensive diamond tiaras, headdresses, necklaces, rings, or jewel decorated gowns. I smile up at him. Over the last few years he has grown quite tall. Without thinking I hug him. He seems startled a first, but he loosens up and returns the hug.
"You're welcome," he says. We pull apart.
"It's beautiful."
"I thought you might like it."
I look up at him. The strange look in his eyes that I noticed in them on the night on the terrace at my coming out party is back. It makes me feel strange. He looks at me as if thinking about something, but he does not get the chance to think anymore for Max has found us.
We move farther apart. I blush as if I had been caught doing something bad. I don't know why. Max eyes Conn and then turns to me. "I have something for you too." He pulls out a large package. I thank him and open it. It is a scarf. Red, a color that does not go well with me. I give him a smile. I try to look like I love the gift as much as Conn's.
"Thank you Max. It's wonderful." I give him a quick hug. "I shall wear it to the harvest dance tonight."
Max looks satisfied and asks, "Might I claim the first three dances."
"Of course," I smile. Max smiles and leaves. I have gotten over my anger at him. I just never understood why he tried to make me miss my ride with Conn. Once he's gone I turn to Conn hoping that he might ask for a dance or two. The look that was in his eyes earlier is gone and his smile is gone.
After a moment's silence he says, "Well I must go. Maman will be waiting for me. See you tonight."
He leaves before I can say thank you again for the bracelet. I inspect it. It seems familiar some how. The design is very familiar; where have I seen it before.
"Alexandrea!" I hear the voices again. There are no more 'Lady's. They sound so close, so close. I try to follow them but I find myself blocked off by a drop off. It is too dark to tell how far down it goes. I call out and wait for a reply, but there is no reply. "Alexandrea!"
Where are you? Why can't you hear me? They come closer. "Hello!"
A growl. I turn slowly. It's the creature. I back up slowly; it stares at me. Its body stiffens, ready to pounce. I close my eyes. "Help!" It flies at me, its cry ringing in my ears. I fall. It growls. I wait for its teeth. The earth under me gives away and I fall. "Help!" Darkness falls.