28 - The Black Book
Harry paced in his bedroom thinking about Privet Drive. He was holding the black book in his hand and wondering how or where to begin. Was he supposed to write down everything that happened to him, like a report or was he just supposed to write what he was feeling, like a diary? Harry paced a little more hoping that writing in the book did help him in some way. He was getting pretty tired of hiding his fear every time someone touched him a certain way. This evening with Ginny had been the pinnacle of his embarrassing moments with fear. He hated himself for jumping at her gentle touch. He thought about that for a moment and decided that was as good a place as any to begin.
He sat on his bed and leaned up against the headboard with his legs stretched out before him. He took out the self filling quill that Hermione had bought him. The first line was rather awkward to write as it didn't really begin properly but he figured it shouldn't really matter.
This evening when Ginny touched the side of my face it brought back a memory of Uncle Vernon that has been burned into my mind. He used to like to teach me lessons to help me change into someone better. At the start of each lesson he would talk about keeping quite so Hedwig wouldn't need to be harmed. I knew that he was serious about hurting her. During one lesson I couldn't help screaming and the next day he gave me a handful of her feathers as proof to what he had done. I think it is the worse feeling to know that you caused someone you love to get hurt. I hate that I do it all the time to people I love.
I hate the way I felt so scared when he bound my hands to the bed. I remember hearing his heavy steps coming up to my room and could feel my heart begin to race. I should have been able to do something to stop it but I guess I was too scared, or too guilty or probably both. The beatings hurt but I never had nightmares about them, at least not anymore. My nightmares have been about that touch at the end of the beatings. When it was all over he would just lightly touch the side of my face and say that he thought I wasn't trying hard enough.
I hate the way I didn't do anything to fight back
I hate the way my uncontrolled magic was gone and wouldn't come back to protect me
I hate the way I tried so hard to change for the bastard
I hate the way he touched my face when it was all over and told me I had to try harder, I wasn't good enough , that I deserved my punishments - I hated hearing that I deserved it because I knew it to be true
At this point Harry couldn't go on anymore as the tears were rolling down his face and he couldn't see the parchment clearly. He didn't want to do this anymore. It hurt too much and he was beginning to think it wouldn't help anyways. All these feelings were just painful and raw and he didn't know what he was supposed to do with them. He hated that damn book!
He threw the book against the wall then curled up and just cried. He cried for everything that he was so sorry had happened. He cried for killing Sirius and Cedric. He just didn't want to feel this way anymore.
Just then he felt a gentle hand on his back. He reached back and grabbed Severus' hand but continued to let his tears flow. He held on to the professor's hand not caring that Severus witness his grief. He felt himself drain of all the bad things that had happened to him over the summer and suddenly felt exhausted.
Severus handed him a handkerchief and placed a hand on his shoulder while Harry wiped his face and gathered his emotions. Harry sat up, feeling better but still raw with emotion.
"Do you mind if I read what you wrote?" Severus asked as he spotted the book by the wall.
"Go ahead, I mean I haven't really got much to hide from you, do I?" Harry leaned back against the pillows while watching the professor read what he had just written.
At first the professor's face remained blank, like most always. But then he dropped his face into his hand.
The professor turned towards Harry with a tear on his face and a look of sorrow. Harry was taken aback and didn't know what to say at first.
"Um, are you okay professor?" Harry asked tentatively and handed the professor the handkerchief back.
Severus knew exactly what Harry had been doing; taking all the bad things that had ever happened in his life and making them his own fault. It wasn't the abuse that had been haunting the boy, it was Harry's guilt. Severus knew that Harry really had felt responsible for his own parent's death, Sirius, Cedric, Vernon's abuse, and worse; even the times that Snape himself had harmed the boy. Harry actually thought it was his own entire fault that he had brought it all on. Severus did not know where to begin.
"Harry, first off I want you to know just how proud of you I am. It took courage and bravery to write this," Severus held the book up. "I know you wrote what was in your heart and that takes a big man to face that challenge. I for one pushed those feelings down and became embittered for most of my life. I make a promise to you that I will not let that happen to you. We will get through this together and you will come to see that the experiences you had were not caused by your own making." Severus looked into Harry's face for any signs of acceptance.
Harry just looked sad. "Thank you for saying that but I don't really need you to tell me that none of it was my fault. I won't believe that because I know that it was my fault."
"Yes, I know you do, but it still does not make it true. The way your Uncle treated you was revolting. You came to him a small child, a baby as innocent and pure as one can ever be. He was frightened of you even way back then. Not for any valid reason but purely out of stupidity. I saw into his memories Harry, I know what he was thinking. He was frightened of you, he was afraid because you had not turned out to be this monster that he had once thought you would end up as. He hated you for all that his son was not."
"But they love Dudley. They think he's great. I know that's true because they say it all the time."
"No Harry, they say it all the time because they are trying to make it so. Vernon took all the anger he felt at what his son was failing at and turned it on you. You became his outlet, his way to vent. I saw the way he felt Harry. There was admiration for your courage that ate away at him, making him become harsher with his so called lessons. He wanted to see you break, to fall apart. He hated to feel admiration for your courage and at the same time hated Dudley's cowardice along with his own." Severus let that sink in, watching Harry's face closely.
Harry wanted it to be true but found it hard to accept. "Severus, Vernon never admired anything I did. I know I tried my whole life to get him to love me."
Harry suddenly stopped talking and thought about that for a moment. Was he really so desperate for Vernon's acceptance and love? Harry thought about who that man really was. After a moment he came to the sudden realization that he had no respect for the man. That even if Vernon was to accept him for who and what he was, it wouldn't change the way Harry felt towards him. Vernon no longer had any power over him because Harry saw him for who he really was. The way that Vernon had touched his face before was so powerful to Harry because it was the only time the man had ever touched him without hurting him. In a twisted way Harry knew that he craved that touch at the end of his 'lessons'. It was sick and disgusting but it was true. That touch represented love to him, but now he saw it for what it really was.
Harry looked up at the professor and said, "Severus, do you mind if we stop talking about this? I hear what it is you are trying to tell me but I need some more time to make it true to myself. I just need some time to think about it."
Severus tilted Harry's face up towards him and looked into his eyes. Harry knew Severus was reading his mind, his true feelings and decided not to protest. The connection with Severus had grown so strong that the professor didn't really need to cast Legilimens to be able to read Harry's mind anymore. He would simply concentrate and look into Harry's eyes to see his memories and feelings. After a moment Severus seemed satisfied and let Harry's chin go.
"We have just begun to unravel the damage your uncle has done to you Harry. I will leave it be for tonight but we will continue these discussions and the black book at another time."
Harry leaned into the professor giving him a quick hug.
The professor seemed caught off guard and said," What was that for?"
"I dunno, I guess I'm just happy you're here." Harry looked away as his face flushed.
"Well of course I'm here you silly child. I am soon to be your father, where else would I be?" Severus pushed Harry's hair back from his forehead and said, "Get some sleep, it's almost morning."
Harry got under the covers and turned out the light. He was actually feeling peaceful knowing that he would get through this mess with the help of Severus.
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Harry woke up in the morning with his arm throbbing with pain. It really made him angry that Vespa had not only poisoned him but also hurt his arm making it harder for him to play Quidditch. He wasn't about to give up his Quidditch practice today though and decided to ask Severus for some pain potion.
After taking the pain potion and promising Severus he would check in with him before practice, he left to go up to his classes.
On his way up to class, Harry ran into a group of Slytherins hanging out on the staircase.
"What the hell are you doing down here Potter?" said a tall seventh year teen with long brown hair and piercing green eyes. Harry had seen him around but had never had cause to talk with him before; he didn't even know his name.
Harry ignored him as he stepped around the group and headed up the staircase. The tall seventh year grabbed his cloak from behind, "I asked you a question Potter!" The teen looked as if he was trying to impress the group of girls with him.
Harry didn't know where it came from but a surge of magic went through him making him feel a bit more confident. He whipped around with fury and grabbed hold of the Slytherins wrist with an iron grip. He held it, twisting until the boy was kneeling on the ground in pain. He saw how the boy was trying to get his wand out of his cloak and Harry quickly yelled, "Expelliarmus!"
The Slytherin's wand went flying past both boy's, smacking against the far wall with sparks.
"Don't touch me," Harry said in a dangerous tone. He twisted the boy's wrist until the Slytherin cried out. He felt powerful enough to actually break it and had to stop himself. He let go when the teen gave him a pleading look with tears in his eyes. As he straightened up he noticed someone watching from a doorway.
Snape walked towards the group with robes billowing and a scowl on his face that made Harry wish he hadn't just done that to one of Snape's Slytherins. Harry stood up straighter making sure not to step back but couldn't hide the look of guilt on his face.
The Slytherin on the floor quickly stood up as well with a look of fear across his face as he held his wrist to him.
Snape glared down at the Slytherin and said in a deadly quite voice, "Do not lay hands on my son again or you will have me to answer to."
The Slytherin looked as if he just might pee his pants but stuttered out, "Y-your son? I-I'm sorry sir. I thought it was just a false rumor, I'm sorry sir."
Snape didn't say anything else. He glared at the group before grabbing Harry's arm and escorting him up the staircase. When they reached the door to the Potion classroom Snape turned Harry towards him and looked for any injuries.
"I'm okay Sir," Harry said and straightened his robe. "I'm sorry about that guy. I was just going to ignore him but …"
Snape cut him off, "I'm not mad at you Harry. He brought it on himself. I am actually rather proud of you." With that said he turned on his heel and headed into his potion classroom.
Harry stood in the hallway, watching after his guardian until the classroom door closed. Wow! Snape not only stood up for him but he had actually called him his son. Having a dad who everyone was scared of was kinda cool!
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After Harry's last class he went down to the locker room to change for practice. He was just about to walk into the Quidditch locker room but stopped when he heard Ginny's name being mentioned by Dean.
"Okay, I'll bet you ten chocolate frogs that I get more than serious snogging after the dance," Dean said challengingly.
"I'll take that bet!" Harry heard Seamus say and a few more Gryffindor joined along.
"How will we know who gets farther?" Dean was asking Seamus.
Harry couldn't believe what he was hearing. They were actually placing bets on who gets the furthest with their dates. He wanted to rip Dean's head off! Harry couldn't listen to them talk about Ginny like that any longer and stormed into the locker room.
"Hey! What the hell are you guys talking about?" he threw his book bag on the bench.
All eyes turned to him and he suddenly realized that it would look pretty obvious to everyone if he got mad over hearing Ginny talked about like that. The guys were always talking about the girls they liked. Harry knew they didn't mean anything bad or hurtful. These were his friends and her friends too, even if they were acting like prats.
"Hey Harry, do you want in on our bet? It's too bad your not going to the dance too or you could be part of the competition." Seamus walked over and clapped Harry on the back.
Harry knew this was just locker room talk but those guys were talking about Ginny, damn it!
"Hey guys what's going on?" Ron walked in and looked around.
For a moment no one spoke since they had just been talking about his little sister.
Finally Seamus said, "We were just talking about the dance. You're goin aren't you Weasley?"
"Yeah, I'm taking Hermione. She's been going on about what she's wearing all week."
Harry finished dressing in his Quidditch practice uniform and decided to get out of there before he said something to Dean. He had forgotten to see Severus as promised and decided to go find him. He might as well get some more pain potion too. He thought maybe Severus might be in his classroom getting ready for tomorrows lessons and headed down to the potion class.
He walked into the classroom and right away spotted Severus at his desk correcting papers.
"Hi Severus. Do you want to come to practice?" Harry was looking down tying his Quidditch robe as he walked towards the professor.
He looked up when he heard the professor clear his throat. He suddenly noticed they were not alone. There were six girls sitting in the class room on detention. Ginny was sitting right in the middle with a scrub brush in one hand and a dirty cauldron in the other.
"Oops, I thought you were alone. Sorry Professor," Harry gave Ginny a little wave.
"How are you feeling Mr. Potter?" Snape had his official teacher's voice going.
Harry knew something must have set him off, most likely the girls doing the detention. "Um, I feel good except for my arm, Sir."
"Come here, let me take a look," Severus motioned him over to the desk. The professor rolled up Harry's sleeve, examining the purple bruise. "Yes, it might be a few more days before the dark magic has been fully expelled. Are you in need of another pain potion?"
"Yes Sir," Harry looked behind him as he heard a few of the girls giggling. Ginny had a scowl on her face as she looked at the giggling bunch who were blatantly starring at Harry.
Snape gave the girls a scowl and motioned for Harry to follow him into his adjoining office.
As soon as the door closed Harry asked Severus what the girls had done to get detention. At first Severus seemed like he wasn't going to tell him but changed his mind.
"Those girls were in the process of brewing a love potion. I distinctly heard your name mentioned before they noticed me. You must be careful not to eat or drink anything unless you know who made it. Do you understand?" Snape looked more irritated then ever.
"Yes Sir, but why was Ginny in there?" Harry knew she wouldn't have anything to do with that nonsense.
"Ms. Weasley took it upon herself to dole out punishments to the students involved," Snape pulled Harry's arm towards him and rubbed healing potion on the bruise. "Apparently she feels the need to protect you and gave the girls candy from her brother's joke shop. She obviously did not feel the detention I gave them was sufficient punishment."
"Uh oh, what happened to the girls?" Harry knew better than to get a Weasley on his wrong side now that the twins joke shop was up and running. Some of the candies in the shop could be down right dangerous.
"Evidently the candy she gave them left them unable to talk. They have been giggling incessantly for the past two hours non stop! I am actually more displeased at her for making me sit through that nonsense then at the actual perpetrators. I told her she may leave as soon as their voice's return to normal as I do not have an antidote." Snape handed Harry the vial of pain potion.
"Severus, Ginny was just trying to help. We have Quidditch practice right now. Maybe she could make up the detention tonight," Harry hated to see her getting in trouble because of him.
"Oh sure Harry, where would you like Miss Weasley to serve her detention? In our quarters perhaps?" Severus said with sarcasm. "No, I think not. She is just as guilty as the other students and will serve her detention alongside her fellow classmates."
Harry gave him a look of frustration and shook his head. They walked back through the classroom towards the main hallway and Harry saw Ginny doing her best to scrub that filthy cauldron. Harry took out his wand and flicked it in her direction. The cauldron looked as if it were brand new. Ginny looked around and spotted Harry. She gave him a thumbs up signal. Harry waved good bye and agreed to meet Severus for supper in the dungeon.
He was heading back to the Quiddich pitch when he was suddenly grabbed from behind. He whipped around to find Ginny with a huge grin on her face.
"Thanks Harry! Whatever you said to the professor really helped. He was glaring at me the whole time those girls wouldn't shut up. I thought he was going to stick me in a cauldron and put me in some sort of potion. After you left he just waved his hand and told me to go play Quidditch!" Ginny was elated to be out of that room and away from those giggling girls.
"Brilliant!" Harry felt like Severus was really trying to make this work for the both of them. "Hey Ginny, you must be pretty tired after scrubbing out all those cauldrons, why don't you jump on and I'll give you a ride."
Ginny's smile got bigger as she jumped on Harry's back and they headed down to the Quidditch pitch.
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After Quidditch practice Harry felt as if his stomach was on fire again. It seemed that the more he exercised the worse he felt. He asked Ron to come down and have dinner with him and the professor, hoping that would distract Snape enough not to notice the pain he was in. Ron really didn't want to spend his free time with the professor but Ginny had said that Snape was actually nice to her. They walked into Snape's quarters and were surprised to see Ron's Dad sitting on the sofa drinking a butterbeer.
"Hey Dad, good to see ya!" Ron went to him and gave him a hug. "What are you doin here?"
"Arthur was kind enough to visit and give me a few parenting tips," the professor said as he spelled more bottles of butterbeer onto the coffee table. Severus considered Harry's appearance and thought the boy looked to be having pain once again. It seemed the Quidditch practice might be expending too much energy from the poor boy.
Harry tried to push the pain away and walked over to give Mr. Weasley a big hug too. The last time he had seen him was at the Dursley's house. He had never been so happy to see anyone in his entire life. But he had never been so sad to see anyone leave in his entire life. Harry remembered that day all too well.
"Ah Harry, it's so good to see you son," Mr. Weasley hugged him back hard with tears in his eyes at the sight of Harry looking so cared for and happy. Both Severus and Ron had no idea what had transpired between Harry and Arthur but they respectfully did not ask as they watched both men wipe away tears.
Severus looked concerned at the emotion Harry was showing and protectively placed his arm over the boy's shoulder when Harry joined him on the sofa. He leaned close and whispered, "Are you okay?"
Harry nodded giving the professor a small smile.
Mr. Weasley stayed for supper, making the evening even more fun with his tales of the twin's escapades. Harry was proud of the way Severus let his guard down and at least grinned as everyone else laughed at the tales that were told. When everyone had finished supper Severus stood up and said he had an announcement to make. Harry had no idea what this was all about as he sat nervously waiting to hear.
"Today I received a letter that will change my destiny along with Harry's. I am pleased to announce that I am now officially Harry's father." With that said Severus pulled a rolled up parchment out of his robe and handed it to Harry.
Harry wasn't quite ready for everything to happen so fast. He didn't know what to say as a fleeting thought of his real father James came to mind. He didn't know what James would think about this but figured he would want Harry to be happy. At that thought he smiled and quietly said, "Wow! It's real then?" He unrolled the parchment and saw his name along with the professors.
Severus was watching him carefully, looking for any signs of disappointment. He nodded his head and waited for Harry to speak again.
"Um, well I don't know what to say. I mean I've just felt lucky that you even decided to become my guardian. I just never thought you would really want me for good." Harry was still looking at the parchment and missed the looks of sadness on the rest of the men's faces over hearing him say such a thing.
Severus walked over to Harry as the boy stood up and faced the professor.
"Son, you've no idea what you bring to this relationship. I am the one who is most grateful for a chance to be a father to you."
Harry couldn't believe this had happened. He had a father! Someone who took care of him and watched out for him. A man that Harry actually respected and liked as a person.
Mr. Weasley spoke up with an emotional voice, "Congratulations to both of you. Severus I know I speak for Molly as well when I say that if we couldn't adopt Harry, we're glad that you did. After watching the way you took such loving care of him this past summer we gave this adoption our blessing. And that is saying a lot because we couldn't love Harry anymore than if he was one of our own."
Both Harry and Severus thanked Arthur for his kind words.
Ron spoke up next, "Congratulations Harry! I know how much having a dad means to you. So what are you going to call Professor Snape now?"
Harry felt uncomfortable and looked towards the professor to see what his reaction to the comment was. "Um, you know, I'll still call him Severus." Harry watched as the professor furrowed his brow. Harry wasn't sure if he looked a little mad because of what Ron had asked or if he wanted to be called something else.
"Harry you can't call your dad by his first name. You have to call him Dad or Father," Ron said in an exasperated tone of voice.
Harry just wished Ron would shut up now. He felt awkward about the whole name issue. He glanced back at Severus and saw the professor was looking a bit amused at the whole topic. What did that mean? Did he want Harry to call him father or dad? Harry didn't think Severus was the "dad" type. He chose not to respond to Ron and instead asked a question that had been on his mind.
"Severus, does Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia know about this?" Harry had been nervous over them finding out and putting a stop to this adoption.
"Why do you ask?" Severus hoped Harry was not taking their feelings into consideration. As far as he was concerned the Dursley's lost all privileges to having a say in Harry's life.
"I was just wondering if they were still my guardians in the muggle world?" Harry said just above a whisper.
"Harry, they have lost all rights and privileges to have anything to do with you, in the magical world and in the Muggle world. Furthermore if they petition to turn over this adoption they will immediately be charged with child abuse. Those were the conditions I allowed in exchange for them to sign custody over to me." Severus saw the disturbed look on Harry's face and begin to wonder if he might be hurt over his family no longer wanting him. "Harry, your Aunt Petunia fought against this adoption."
"What do you mean?" Harry wasn't sure he understood.
"Petunia did not want to lose custody. We had to convince her with pictures of you from your hospital stay. I have come to believe she did not know the extend to which you were being abused. After she was convinced she readily signed custody over to keep you from any further abuse." Severus left out the part with Petunia accusing Harry of inflicting those wounds to himself. It had taken quite a bit of convincing to make her realize Vernon had done the abuse.
Harry responded with, "Hmm."
Now Severus was really wondering what was going through the boy's mind. If the Weasley's were not present he might have read the boy's mind. "Harry, you're not regretting this are you?"
"N-no sir, why are you?" Harry panicked at the thought of this ending so soon.
"You must have been hit on the head with a bludger at practice to even consider that question. To answer your ridiculous question; No Harry. You are stuck with me so you better get used to it." Severus said with dry wit.
Harry felt relief course through him at hearing that and said, "Good that's how I feel too."
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