Note: Sorry it took so long to update, I could make up some excuse on how I've been so busy but the honest truth is that I have been lazy. Bad me. I would like to apologize for my lazyness and thank you for all of the reviews for the story so far. I also would like to apologize in advance for this chapter, it is not the best but it is something. Thank you for reading this note and have a nice day.

I am so confused. I thought I had everything all worked out, but now that I think about it, I'm not so sure about anything..."

Excerpt from Alexandrea's Journal

I wake with a head ache. Memories of yesterday come flooding back. Conn, Gawain, and everything else, it is all so confusing and yet it is not a bit confusing. I don't know what I am talking about. I just feel that everything is so restrictive. I don't know why I feel so cross and contained, I just wish that everyone would leave me alone. They all hover around me and treat me as if I'm going to break like they did when we first met. I think I am capable of taking care of myself.

Time passes slowly as we make our way towards Hadrian's Wall. We have to go the long way round to avoid the Saxons. The last thing we need is to run into the Saxon army. Guinevere is doing better and she talks with me, but she tends to get distracted and her thoughts fall to other people, places, topics, and times. Dagonet continues to ride with us and he takes care of the boy, who's called Lucan.

It is very dull, but I suppose it is better inside the cart than outside for I would have to deal with Conn and Gawain then. Conn and Gawain, another problem that needs solving, but I have no idea how to solve it. I once swore my love to Conn, but I cannot find it in myself to forgive him for what he has done. He has become a stranger to me and I don't know if what we had once was really love. We were young, I was romantic, naive, and had foolish ideas on how the world worked, which all turned out to be incorrect. Would it be worth the time to get to know him again, or would he just sell me out for money, yet again. If there is one thing I have learned from the past few years is that trust is not something to be given liberally. One can never know who to trust, and in this day and age, when power is taken by only a select few, loyalties are easily swayed. Oppression is one of the greatest tools when it comes to controlling people. People fear pain and they fear death, play their fears against them and they will follow a tyrant to Hell and back if ordered to.

With Gawain, I don't really know him either. I know where his loyalties lay, with Arthur and I know Arthur would never make him betray me, but I would feel that I am using Gawain for he gives me his affections without truly knowing me. I don't even know myself anymore and I could not bear it to imprison Gawain to me. He deserves far better than me but he doesn't know it.

One man or the other, there are too many complications and too few advantages. If I choose either man, they will fight and possibly kill each other. I have spoken with Arthur, but he does not know what to do. His best advice is to stay away from them and perhaps they will come to their senses. I doubt that will help, but it is the best plan I have at the moment and so I am trapped in the cart to wait for their next move. To wait and see what the Fates have in store for me. I can only pray that they will be kind, but they have not been kind so far and so I do not hold great hopes for a happy outcome.

"Lady," a voice calls. I look out to find Galahad riding beside the cart. "How are you?"

"Fine," I reply. "And you?"

"Fine."

He says no more but looks as if he has something to say. "What is it?"

He tries to say something, but it is obvious that he does not know how to say it. "What is wrong with Gawain?" he finally spits out.

"Excuse me?" I ask, completely taken by surprise by such a question coming from Galahad.

"Gawain is a good man. I don't see why you ignore him. He is confused and does not understand why you hide from him. He thinks he has done something wrong and does not know what it is. Do you really hate him so? If so, tell him and he will let you be. But I thought you liked him, you seemed to enjoy is company when we were your escorts a few years back."

"It's not Gawain, it's me. He does not deserve me; he is far to good for me. I thought that if I discouraged him, he would realize that he did not really like me, he was just confused or in love with a dream."

"What would you think that? Gawain thinks you're too good for him. He thinks that you don't like him because you deserve someone important like the Alecto person we are here to collect."

"No, it is I who is the inferior. He deserves someone better than me. I am nothing, just a shell of someone who is lost now. I am sorry that he feels what he feels, but let him know that it is I who does not deserve him. Let him know that I cannot take his pledge of devotion nor can I allow him to wait for me. I must re-find myself, and to that, I must do it alone."

"I do not understand why but I will deliver your message. Just so that you'll know, Gawain thought about you everyday since we left you." Galahad nods and rides away. His parting words ring in my mind. Exactly what I need, more complications.

I don't understand my sudden change. Or perhaps it is not so sudden. I just feel so lost. Everything I knew about everyone I loved is somewhat fuzzy and what use to be so clear is lost in fog. Who am I, what am I, why am I? Too many questions and no answers. All the time left to myself made me realize that I am not who I thought I was. Everything I knew is nothing and now I know nothing. I don't even make sense to myself. Perhaps I have gone insane, which would be a good explanation to my behavior and thoughts.

I need some way to vent my thoughts, my doubts, and my frustrations. I turn to Guinevere. "What am I to do?" I ask her.

"Confront them," she advises.

"How?"

"Just tell them how you feel."

"I've tried that, but it doesn't help. They think I will eventually come to my senses, so they wait for me."

Guinevere thinks for a moment. "Maybe you could grow to love one of them."

"That's the problem. I don't know if I could love again. Conn and I were sweethearts years ago, and Gawain. I don't know about Gawain. I don't know what I feel about him. I tried to discourage him. He is a noble knight and I like him as a friend, but I don't think it can be anymore than that."

"What's wrong with Conn?"

"I don't know if I could ever bring myself to trust him again, but it's not that. I feel as if I don't know who Conn really is. When he left, I was young and ignorant about everything. Over the past four years, I have become more intelligent on the ways of the world. I have realized that I never truly loved Conn. I thought I did, but it was more of a brother/friend. I am so confused."

"Every woman goes through such dilemmas. When the time comes, you will know who to choose."

"I don't even know if I want to choose. I don't even know if I want to marry. I don't know anything."

"You sound confused."

"I am."

"Time will solve that, I am sure."

"Yes, but I don't know if I will survive the time it will take to solve all this."

"I think you might be a bit melodramatic."

"Probably, but I still don't know what to do to get them to leave me alone."

"Tell them."

I sigh. Some advice, if it were that simple, I would have told them long ago. Actually I have told them, but they do not seem to be listening. "Thank you for listening," I say as I climb out. I need time to think.

"What are you thinking?" a voice interrupts me not very long after I leave Guinevere. I look up, it's Tristan.

"Nothing, just trying to solve a dilemma."

"I bet I can name the dilemma." Tristan smiles. I like him, he may seem like the tough harden warrior, but underneath all that hostility he is a gentle soul, not to forget to mention comical.

"Is it that obvious?"

"Who doesn't know about it?"

"Is it that bad?" I ask, fearing to know how bad the situation really is.

"If Arthur hadn't forbidden it, I think Gawain and your guard would have fought it out for you already."

I am insulted at this remark. "Well, they may fight, but that does not mean I will go to the victor. I am not some prize to be won."

"I know, we all know."

I shake my head. "You want to be the lady for a while?"

"Not me. I'm rather entertained watching this all play out."

"Well, I'm so glad someone is enjoying this." He laughs at my remark. "I'm serious."

"I know, that's what makes it so funny. You act like it is the end of the world. Lighten up, it will all pass with time."

"Why does everyone seem to be telling me that?"

"Because it's true. Love is a fickle thing, especially among warrior men. They may think they are in love, but in the end, they come to their senses and realize that they can only have one mistress and that is war. War does not wish to share her power with another woman."

"Very insightful of you," I say, somewhat confused that Tristan could come up with anything so metaphorical.

"That's my theology, I live by it. I have no woman to hold me back."

"Do you ever plan to have one?"

"No, I'm quite content living my life out as a bachelor."

"Well then, at least there is someone I can talk to who is not completely inclined to love."

"Never have and will never be."

I smile. I think Tristan is becoming very likable in my mind. He is so much more simpler than the others. He didn't expect much and didn't aim high. He lived life as it came and never got caught up in the petty things in life. At the moment, I envy him. "I wish I were you."

"No, one of me is quite enough."

"At least you have a choice. In the Christian world, women do not have very many options, especially a Roman woman."

"Any one who wants something bad enough will not let anything stand in their way." Tristan looks at me. For a moment, his carefree look is replaced with a deeper look, I don't know what it means, but I think he is trying to tell me something. But as quickly as it appeared, it disappeared. "I must go; I hope you can solve your dilemma." He winks at me and rides away.I watch him ride away. I think I could grow to like Tristan very much. He is not one to get attached to people and he doesn't care about feelings. He just tells things as he sees it. At the moment, I think his simple truths are exactly what I need.