Note: Thanks for the reviews. Here is yet another installment. I hope you like it. Happy reading!

"I am selfish, very very selfish. I know I shouldn't be but I can't help it."

Written in Alexandrea's Journal

Here I am, once again in the wagon. It is raining and I have been advised to stay in the wagon so I won't get wet. I do as I am told and so I sit in silence. Guinevere is a sleep, as is the boy. I think about Lancelot's outburst the other day and wonder what is wrong with him. His anger is not for me, I know that much because he was civil with me until yesterday. What could have happened to make him so agitated?

I shake my head and sigh. I have no idea what is wrong with him, and unless I stalk him, I don't think there will be a way to find out the cause of his agitation. Not that I care, Lancelot is the least of my worries. I find that I am being very self absorbed. Father would be very ashamed of me if he knew what I have become. If only I knew what I had become. Confusion seems to be my constant visitor.

Sigh, I need to think of other things. But not of Father, Father still makes my heart heavy. Guinevere looks at me. "Are you alright?"

"Yes," I reply.

"No, you're not."

I don't understand how people can read me so easily. "What ever gave you that idea?"

"You're very quite and you look as if you are mad."

"Just thinking."

"About what?"

"Everything."

"That's far too much to think about."

"What about you?" I ask, trying to change the topic. "You seem overly happy."

She smiles.

"Love?" I ask, trying to recall how girls talked to each other. The other life I led would have many conversations about love with other girls my age.

She smiles again. "Perhaps."

"Arthur?" I ask even though I know it's him. It is obvious, just looking at the way she looks at him and him at her.

She looks at me a bit. "I…"

"Speechless, I assume as much. Just watching the way you look at him is a dead give away. I think he feels the same way."

"You think?" she asks excitedly.

"Yes."

"I mean…"

"It's okay to admit that you like someone. I think you and Arthur suit each other."

"No, he and I can never be. He's to Roman. He has his noble qualities but he is still loyal to Rome."

"No, he's loyal to an idea. He believes with every atom of his being in equality for all. He is realizing what the Roman lords really are. Give him time and he will come around."

"How do you know?"

"He's like my father. In the end, my father found himself not proud to call himself Roman. Rome is corrupt. Arthur will eventually see that on his own."

"You seem to have such a low opinion of your own People."

"They are not my people."

We grow silent.

"Alexa," a voice calls, Conn's voice.

"Go," Guinevere says.

I sigh and climb out of the wagon. "Conn," I say.

"How have you been?"

"Fine, and you?"

"Worried about you."

"What do you want?"

"Just to talk."

I can't do this. All of the bitterness inside me pours out. "I have nothing to talk about with you."

"Please, Alexa." He looks at me with sad eyes.

"Conn, I don't know."

"Alexa, please, give me a second chance."

I have to learn how to trust again, I know that. Perhaps I should try to trust Conn again.

"Alright," I say. His face brightens up. "It does not mean things are going back to the way they were."

"I understand."

"And do not get into fights with the knights. If I choose to have a lover, it will be my decision and nothing you do can change that. I am a person, not some prize to be won."

He looks flabbergasted. "I…"

"I know what you want, and I know what you mean, and I will not be a prize for you to win."

He looks a bit confused but he agrees. "So where do we start?"

"How about talking about what happened to you. Why did you leave?" I ask. I remember that day. He left me alone. He promised to be with me forever. "I did not care about your class or how much money you had. I just wanted you."

"I had to make my own way. I had to prove myself to myself."

"So you proposed and then leave. You may have proven yourself, but you have not proven yourself to me."

"Why are you so mad at me?"

"I don't know. I remember waiting for the time that you would be coming back to the estate. I remember waiting for some sign that you were alive. Nothing came. I did not know what to think. Then everything with my family happened."

"You have to understand that I never had what you had."

"What?"

"I never had the money you had. I never could not work. You had everything handed to you. I had to do something to make me feel like I deserved you, and to do that I needed to be able to have enough money to support you that your father did not give us. I want to support my wife not my wife me."

I shake my head. "You know, I've just come to realize that you are not who I thought you were. If you love someone, should nothing else matter?"

"Love does not keep your belly full."

"Your mother loves you. I loved you."

"It wasn't enough. I have seen what the lack of money can do. I was not going to let you suffer that, nor was I going to let you support me."

I sigh. "Let's drop it. I can't deal with your reasoning now. The more you talk, the angrier I get."

"What is so hard to understand?"

"Everything." I walk away. "I need to think."

"I'll be here," he complies with my wishes.

I walk off to the side of the group. Conn just made me so mad. He always talked about his pride. I'm so tired about hearing about men and their pride. I just want it all to go away. Unfortunately, that's not how life works. Why can't things be easy?

"Alexa, how are you?" Tristan smirks as he rides up next to me.

"Go away," I snap.

"Testy aren't we?"

"Why do you always show up when I don't want you to?"

"Because you really want me to show up so you can rant and rave about how life is so cruel."

"Don't poke fun."

"I have one thing to say to you."

"Oh, please, tell me, oh, wise and mighty one."

"You are too hung up on the past. You're self-absorbed and very complaining."

I glare at him. "I am not."

"Look, someone has to tell you the truth. You're being down right ornery. You pretend to be better than everyone else but you are the same. Your problems are not everything and very minuscule. I know what you've been through, everyone knows. Things happen to everyone. All we can do is get over it and move on."

I do not want to be listening to Tristan lecturing me. I want a sympathetic ear that will tell me that I am the victim and comfort me by telling me everything I want to hear. "I don't want to hear this."

"No one ever does," he replies. "But it has to be said. So, I took it upon myself to say it. I don't care if you hate me."

A strong feeling of hatred seethes through my veins. How dare he talk to me like this? He's not right, he's not. "You are mean." Lame line but I couldn't think another comeback.

"Just being honest. Do you not prefer honesty over lies from your friends?"

"Go away."

"As you wish," he winks. "I'll let you think it over."

He rides off. I hate him for what he said, but I hate him more because he is correct. I am being selfish. I know I'm being very complicated. I just can't get over it. No matter how hard I try, I just get stuck. I hate it. I hate all of it. To make my day even better, Gawain shows up. "Hi."

"Hi," I say. This is not the best day.

"We have to talk."

"About what?"

"About you and the Roman."

"What about us?"

"I saw you talking today; does that mean that you have chosen him? If you have, it is okay with me. I will respect your wishes and back off."

I look at him. He looks sad, but he will honorably step back if I told him so. He was so different from Conn. Conn thought he had to prove something, Gawain thought he had to let me be. If it were only Gawain instead of Conn. Gawain would have saved me if he found me. He would have helped me escape. He would never have left me to prove a point. He would have stayed with me and none of this ever would have happened. He could have protected me when they came for us. I could see myself being happy with him. No, I must concentrate.

"It's nothing. He was just talking to me. That's all."

"Really?"

"Yes. I have not chosen anyone. I might never choose." He looks at me.

"I can live with that."

I smile. He wasn't going to pester me. "Thank you." He smiles back and rides off.

I head back to the carriage. Conn is still waiting for me. "Have you made up your mind yet?"

"My mind up about what?"

"Us."

I shake my head. "There's nothing to discuss. It was a long time ago, you and me. Why must you hold onto the past?"

"I love you."

"Why?"

"Because you're you."

"I'm me? Who am I?"

"Alexa, you're confused. With sometime you might be able to come to terms and find yourself again."

"Is that what you want? Things to be the same way things were before you left."

"They can."

"No, they can't. I don't even know if I can trust you again. You turned me in for gold. You could have helped me escape." Suddenly, all of the pent up feelings I had just came gushing out. "You could have saved me, but you didn't have the back bone to."

"I'm sorry, but I was afraid. Besides, what were you talking about with the knight? He likes you and I don't trust him."

"Gawain, his name is Gawain. He just asked me a question. Why should it matter to you to whom I speak with?"

"I don't want my future wife to be playing with other men's hearts."

"Future wife?" I glare at him. Where does he come off thinking that I will marry him?

"Yes, you."

I had it. "What makes you think that I'm going to marry you? Do you think that I will just forget about everything and go happily to your side and be your wife? I won't. You asked for another chance, I was going to give it to you, but if you think I'm going to do is consent to marrying you, you are wrong."

"Alexa, I love you."

"And I loved you, but that was not enough to keep you with me. Now I'm not even sure that I know you."

"You swore your love to me."

"That was three years ago. Many things have happened since then, some of them showing you for what you are. A coward. Gawain would never have left me where I was. He would have helped me escaped and left with me."

"Gawain? You love him?" he stared at me.

"No, I just admire him and like him far more than I like you right now."

"But…"

"Just go. I don't want to hear it." With that, I climb into the cart and fling the covering shut.