48 Retrospection

Severus stepped back into the living room with the expectation that the misunderstanding would soon be over, therefore he was surprised to see the anger in his son's eyes.

Harry sat up straighter before addressing his father, "I made a mistake. I thought you didn't forgive me for all the stupid things I did and I also assumed you didn't feel I had earned your forgiveness."

At this point Severus was about to speak until Harry raised a hand and shook his head, "Please sir, let me finish."

Severus spread his hands out and gave a curt nod for Harry to continue.

"Now I see that I was forgiven," Harry explained as he held up the first letter from Severus. "But … why did you leave me there for so long without checking up on me? I know you thought I had the mirror and could have contacted you at any point but … do you really think I'm so coldhearted that I would just ignore you?" Harry's voice had started out so calm but had risen a few octaves by the time he had finished speaking.

Severus leaned forward and placed a hand on top of Harry's hand. The teen quickly moved his hand but kept his gaze unwaveringly on his father.

Severus took a deep breath before stating, "Harry, I have failed you. In retrospect I now know that I should never have relied on Moody. I was responsible for your welfare and entrusted it to another. My parenting skills leave much to be desired, I am well aware of that. I sincerely thought you were still angry at me for sending you away and that was the reason you chose not to contact me."

Harry felt the anger twist a little more over hearing that. "Well, if you thought I was still angry then why didn't you come and try to talk to me about it? You left me alone with a madman for six weeks Severus! You didn't even check to see that I was okay!"

"Harry, I didn't abandon you. I made a poor decision on who to place my trust in but I didn't abandon you! Surely you must see the difference between the two?"

"NO! You left me there! You didn't even know what was happening to me, you just left me there!" By this time Harry's anger had escalated.

He gathered his emotions when he saw the horror on his father's face but he still felt deeply hurt. In a calmer voice he continued, "I've changed Severus and I'm not so sure it's for the better. I can feel the change as if it's palpable. When I was there I had to shut out my feelings for you in order to survive."

"To survive Harry?" Severus asked as emotions he never felt before coursed through him. What was Harry telling him? Was he saying he no longer wanted a father?

"Yes sir, to survive being left behind one more time," the sentence was left hanging in the air between them.

This time Severus grabbed Harry's hand and held onto it, even when Harry tried to pull away. "I will-not-let-you-do-this. I will not lose you over a misunderstanding and poor parenting skills. I made a horrible mistake but you could not be further from the truth if you thought I abandon you."

Harry ripped his hand away from his father's.

"No Harry, no," Severus said in a firm but quiet voice. "I will not waste even one more minute on misunderstandings. You must understand that if I had known Moody was treating you so brutally I would have been there in an instant. I thought you were doing better without me. Just as you asked me to forgive you, now it's my turn to ask you to forgive me, son."

Harry wanted to, he wanted to forgive him but so much had happened to him. Even though Moody withheld the mail, Severus should have come to check on him, right? But then again, who was he to withhold forgiveness after what he had pulled? He couldn't be alone again now that he knew what having a father was like.

Harry looked down before quietly stating, "My whole life I've never had anyone to rely on. But since you saved me that night from the Dursley's, I felt for the first time ever that I would be able to survive my destiny with Voldemort. You made me feel that I could finally rely on someone other than myself."

"Do you still feel that way?" Severus asked.

Harry shrugged. "I don't know what to feel anymore."

Severus almost growled out in frustration over what he had allowed his son to be put through. "Harry, please, please don't shut the door on allowing me to be a father to you. I was ill and physically weak but that still isn't an excuse for what you were forced to go through."

It was hard for Harry to hear this because he knew that Severus wouldn't have been harmed if Harry had only listened and not gone to Hogsmead that day and if he'd not taken that potion and been able to fight. He had to find it within himself to forgive Severus but he was having such a hard time.

"I just feel so angry and I don't know how to get over it," Harry confessed, shaking off the hand that Severus had put on his shoulder.

Severus got up and walked in front of the fireplace. He turned back around with a troubled look.

"There is nothing you can say or do that would incite me to give up on being a father to you. You can push me away and reject me but that still isn't going to change anything for me," Severus stated with finality.

"So, once again, I don't have a say in the matter?" Harry exclaimed with incredulity. "You just get to decide that you're suddenly going to jump back in and start acting like a fucking father to me?'

"Harry!" Snape said in a warning tone. "You watch your mouth."

"Go to hell," Harry said, and stood up. He walked to the front door, using a silent spell to break through Snape's locking spell that the man had just thrown towards the door.

Harry threw the door open and was surprised to see Hermione and Ron standing there.

"Hey mate!" Ron said. "We were worried about you."

Harry stepped back, folding his arms over his chest. "I'm fine," he said.

Hermione looked passed him and could see Professor Snape. "Is everything alright," she asked tentatively.

Harry didn't say anything. Just then, Draco walked up behind the Gryffindor.

"Hey, Potter, that was some show you put on," Draco said, then suddenly picked up on the tension. He pushed past Harry and went to stand by Severus.

"Severus is everything okay?" Draco asked.

"No," Severus said, but in a quiet voice that made regret start to creep into Harry's heart.

Harry closed his eyes and shook his head, feeling like he couldn't leave now. He stepped back further into the room and indicated for Hermione and Ron to enter.

He turned back around and looked up at Severus. The man's piercing black eyes were hooded and looked tired. A stab of guilt went through Harry. He didn't know how to get past this.

A long moment passed without anyone saying anything.

Draco looked from one man to the other and then back at Severus.

"You two are clearly fighting," Draco stated then said. "Potter, you missed it but Severus kicked the shit out of Moody."

"Really?" Harry asked, his curiosity peaked now that he'd get to hear the whole story.

"Yeah, it was pretty amazing to see those two going after each other. Severus gave Moody a Warrior blast that broke through his shield and hit him so hard it actually broke his arm! Then he shot him with this curse that nearly took Moody's head off," Draco said.

"It was wicked," Ron enthusiastically added.

"I would have done more if I had been alone with the man," Severus flatly stated, arms folded in front of him.

Harry looked up at him. "I don't need you to fight my battles, sir."

Severus eyes narrowed. "I didn't ask, nor do I need your permission to exact revenge on those whom would dare to harm you."

"Hah," Harry guffawed, "Good luck with that, sir."

The other teens in the room could feel the tension, it was palpable.

"Harry, I don't know what else I can say to make you believe that I am sorry," Severus said, in an exasperated tone. He sat down in the wingback chair and dropped his head into his hands in frustration.

Harry suddenly felt bad. He'd never seen his father so vulnerable and it unnerved him to see the man like this.

He stepped closer to the chair. "I'm trying to believe that, sir."

Severus looked up a him."I'm going to make you believe that. Don't give up on me, son." They looked at each there for a long minute before Severus said, "We need to get out of here, go home for the weekend. Get some much needed rest."

Harry nodded, thinking that was probably for the best. "What about Moody? Is he still going to be my teacher, sir?'

"One of the conditions for us returning to the school is that he is no longer here," Severus stated. He stood up and faced Harry. "I do have a surprise waiting for you at home."

Harry raised an eyebrow. He could see that his father was excited about the surprise. He was shocked when his father said, "You may invite your friends if you wish."

Harry looked at his friends. "D you want to come?' They both nodded and said yes.

"Very well then," Severus said, "Get permission from your parents and pack a bag for the weekend Ms. Granger and Mr. Weasley. We will be departing within the hour."

Both Gryffindors broke out into big grins and headed for the door.

Harry noticed Malfoy scowling at the Gryffindors.

"Malfoy, you can come too if you want?' Harry said. Ignoring Ron's groan.

"Okay, " Draco said. "I actually came down here to let Severus know that my mom wants me home but I can join you after that."

"Bring your brooms," Severus instructed. They all looked at Severus expectantly. "You may need them," Severus said.

XXXXXXXXXXX

An hour later all four were sitting around an elaborately dressed dinner table. Harry almost laughed at the way Ron was trying so hard not to drop anything off his fork before it reached his mouth. Hermione's eyes were as big as saucers as she looked around the ornately furnished room. Severus seemed not to notice his guest's utter disbelief as he ate his supper in near silence. Harry was just happy to be eating real food. The novelty of eating something other than porridge had still not worn off, so every bite was bliss.

Hermione finally gathered herself and asked, "Harry, did you have any nightmares while you were training?"

Harry thought that an odd question to ask during supper, "No. I never felt Voldemort until I got back last night. Wherever that secret location is must be pretty well guarded to keep him out of my dreams."

Severus put his fork down and leaned forward with a glower, "Why didn't you come down to the quarters and inform me of your dream?" Severus had been feeling the dark mark on his arm blazing in the past week. He had been sending numerous notes to Moody asking him if Harry was having nightmares but Moody always responded with a negative.

Harry sat up straighter looking Severus in the eye, "I didn't require your assistance, sir. It wasn't a vision just a nightmare of sorts."

Severus was taken a back over the boy's strength. He picked up his fork and continued eating without further words.

Ron began talking about the Quidditch matches Harry had missed while he was away which took up the rest of the conversation through dinner.

When supper was finished Harry gave his friends the grand tour before letting them choose their rooms. Ron was completely gob smacked over the enormity of the house while Hermione went on and on about the antiques it held. They finally finished their tour in the wing Harry and his dad slept in.

"You guys can pick any room you want. This one's mine though." Harry threw open his door and was greeted with a warm fire and his bedding turned down for the night.

"Bloody hell mate! This room is bigger than the Gryffindor common room," Ron exclaimed.

Hermione ran her hand over the fine hand stitched bedding and then gave Harry a big smile, "I'm really happy for you Harry. You deserve to live like this."

Harry walked to his trunk and began unpacking in order to avoid their stares. He had forgotten how impressive this house was but saw it anew through his friend's eyes.

Ron went to the window and looked out at the backyard. It went on and on in rolling grass. He almost choked when he spotted the Quidditch pitch on the back end.

"Bloody hell Harry, you have your own Quidditch pitch!"

Harry and Hermione ran to the window. Harry couldn't believe that Severus would build something like that for him. He was speechless over the thought and time and trouble Severus had went through.

"I didn't know he was doing that," Harry whispered out, still in awe.

"Come on let's go!" Ron yelled and ran for the door, ready to grab his broom and head outside. Ron collided with Severus as the Potion Master was walking into the room. The ginger haired Gryffindor stopped short and began to stutter out his apologies. He would not soon forget the battle he saw between the professor and Moody.

Severus stared down at the Gryffindor. He ignored him and walked the rest of the way into his son's bedroom.

Harry immediately walked towards his father and stuck out his hand, "Thank you sir. That Quidditch pitch is the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me."

Severus took hold of Harry's hand and shook it as he hid his disappointment over getting a formal handshake for his efforts. "I am pleased you approve." He missed the old Harry but was infinitely proud of this strong self assured Harry. He just wished the boy would loosen up a bit and let his guard down.

Ron and Harry decided that a night Quidditch match was just what they needed until Severus put a halt to the idea.

"I believe Madame Pomfrey would take me to task if she knew I let you play Quidditch on the day she released you from the infirmary," Severus stated firmly.

"Madame Pomfrey isn't here, sir," Harry stated. "besides, I feel fine."

Severus looked the teen over, then came to a conclusion. "Harry, if you say you feel fine then I will trust in your own assessment of yourself."

Thank you, sir," Harry said.

"However, I do have one condition," Severus said.

"What is that, sir?" Harry asked.

"That you stop calling me, sir," Severus said.

Harry smiled and nodded. "Thank you, Severus."

Severus inclined his head, hoping he'd been addressed with the other name but satisfied with this one.

Hermione borrowed a small stack of books and came out onto the veranda to watch the boys fly. They were doing some crazy moves that made her cringe. She was happy when they were finally done.

Harry took them upstairs so that they could each chose a bedroom for the night.

Ron chose the room with the extra large bed big enough to fit six people. Hermione chose the room with shelves and shelves of books. Once they were unpacked they went back into Harry's room to hang out. They stayed up till midnight drinking hot chocolate, talking and just catching up. Harry's thoughts continuously went back to Ginny and he couldn't help but miss her.

"Hey Ron, is Ginny at the burrow?" Harry suddenly blurted out.

"No mate, they took her to an unplottable location. My parents have been really freaked out about the whole thing. I overheard Dumbledore tell my dad that Voldemort has some sort of obsession with her since he possessed her during second year," Ron said ominously.

"So, it doesn't have anything to do with me dating her?" Harry asked with relief over not being the cause of Ginny having to leave the school.

"Apparently not. As far as Dumbledore is concerned Voldemort just wants to get her back. It's really horrible to think of Voldemort stalking Ginny," Ron whispered out.

"She'll be okay Ron," Hermione offered and placed a hand on his shoulder.

"Yeah, Ginny's not going to let that bastard anywhere near her," Harry offered as he thought of the feisty girl. Voldemort had already robbed him of his parents and Godfather; there was no way he would let the bastard take away his girl as well.

XXXXXXXXXX

Much later that night Harry was lying in bed staring up at the ceiling. Another nightmare had awoken him but just like last night, he couldn't remember anything about it. He knew he had occluded before he went to bed but something was trying to break through. He couldn't shake the feeling that something big was on the horizon. He wrestled with the idea of going to Severus with the nightmare but decided it wasn't substantial enough to disturb his father. Besides he was pretty used to taking care of himself now and felt uncomfortable running to his father over nothing.

An hour later he changed his mind when he woke up screaming with his scar split open and bleeding down his face and front of his shirt. He had placed a silencing charm around his bed before he fell asleep so was not surprised his father had not heard him. Now he wished he hadn't placed the silencing charm because his head hurt so badly it made him sick to his stomach. He stood up on shaky legs and slowly made his way down the hall to his father's rooms.

He didn't bother knocking so as not to alert his house guests of his quandary. When he stumbled into the room his father already had his wand in hand and was leaning up on his elbows.

At first sight of Harry, Severus dropped his wand and ran to the boy. "Harry, is it Voldemort?" He led Harry to his bed and helped him to lie down with pillows propped behind his head then turned up the lights with a swish of his wand. His breath caught in his chest when he saw the bloody open scar.

Harry was trying so hard to hold it together and not scream out with the agony he felt. Voldemort was relentless as he struck against his defenses. "Hurts," Harry managed to say through clenched teeth as he clawed at his scar.

Severus moved Harry's hand away from his forehead and looked at the open pulsing wound.

"Harry, are you occluding your mind, son?" Severus asked with urgency.

"M'trying … hurts so bad," Harry moaned before he leaned over the bed and began to wrench up his dinner.

Severus held his head and whispered out encouraging words before Harry leaned back once again. Harry saw his father spell away the vomit and he felt the wet blood on his t-shirt vanish.

"I don't know what he wants," Harry panted out. "Should I see, should I let my walls down?"

"No! Just keep occluding, he'll go away soon," Severus advised. He was distressed beyond reason over Voldemort attacking his son so ruthlessly. Was the bastard close by? The last time the scar had been ripped open Voldemort was in the forest at the school. Whatever that madman wanted Harry to see was not something he wanted his son to see. He pulled Harry up and held him close, all the while wishing he could take the pain away.

Harry didn't think about the training or Moody or anything else. He was just reassured by the strong arms offering him comfort. He felt Voldemort ramming into his brain once more.

"Silencing spell," Harry spat out before clenching his teeth shut while holding back the screams that threatened to burst forth.

Severus immediately understood and cast a heavy silencing spell over the room. He knew his son didn't want his friends to witness this latest attack.

Harry felt another surge pain rip at his brain and began to scream. His head felt as if someone was hitting it with a jackhammer.

Severus pressed his wand to Harry's head and helped him keep the walls of occlumency strong. Harry immediately felt his dad's presence and let him in with relief. Between the two of them they held strong until Voldemort finally gave up and stopped.

It was another few minutes before Harry realized he was clutching his dad's pajama top and pressing his head against Severus' chest. When he pulled back he noticed his own blood soaked clean through the pajama top and felt shame creep in for acting so frightened. "Sorry," he whispered and avoided looking in his father's eyes.

"Shhh," Severus said and pulled his son to him again. "Just relax and take deep breaths."

Severus finally felt Harry relax and begin to breathe evenly. He helped him to lie back against the pillows and began to clean up the blood covering himself and his son. After applying healing cream to the angry red scar, Severus sat back and looked into Harry's eyes.

"Do you have any idea what Voldemort was after?"

Harry didn't trust his voice from cracking but quietly said, "It's bad. I-I can't tell exactly what he wants but there's this feeling…"

Severus leaned in closer as Harry's voice gave out, "What is it son?"

"Severus, I think it's going to happen soon."

"What Harry? What is going to happen soon!" Severus asked anxiously.

Harry slowly took hold of his father's hands and squeezed them, "I'm going to face him soon."

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