Patroclus Has Found His Achilles
"It's a pity you have no mind to the Greek fashion of love!"
I hear my brother teasing Lancelet, boisterous, good-natured, and I am preposterously glad that they can't see that my face has turned bright red. I know that he often likes to jest about my...admiration of Lancelet, that in fact it is a common joke among the knights, that the young boys follow him around and hang onto his every word, and most especially (the soon to be) Sir Gareth. It's a pity...
I grew up living and breathing Lancelet. He was my hero, the knight I wanted to be. I remember, when I was a child, my Aunt Morgaine made me a toy soldier out of a log of firewood and I named it Lancelet. I would pretend that we were going on wild adventures, good old-fashioned tales of chivalry and heroic deeds, rescuing fair ladies from dragons. Somehow the fair ladies never seemed to stick around, they weren't of any importance.
When I went to Arthur's court, I didn't want to become a knight because my brother was. I wanted to prove myself. Mostly, really, in Lancelet's eyes, which I know is foolish, but there you are. I've not let go of the childish dream of fighting beside him, of being the knight closest to his heart. Of taking Arthur's place, I've found since I've been here. Strange, since I think most men would seek to replace Lancelet in Arthur's eyes, and not the other way around.
Either way, it's silly to even try. There's nothing that could possibly get between them, certainly not some upshot who endured long, tedious days in the kitchen being called "Handsome" by Cai for what he could have gotten by virtue of his brother's station. It was my fatal mistake, it was the mistake of Arthur's wife Gwenhwyfar as well- though if the rumors of the court are true, she has made the mistake of trying to replace both of them.
The pity, then, is not which fashion of love Lancelet is inclined to. The pity- the real blow to every day I spent waiting for the moment when he would knight me- is that if he is indeed Achilles, then he already has a Patroclus, and that if Gwenhwyfar cannot change that, and if Morgaine cannot change that, and if war and wounds and lost knights cannot change that, then why should I even try?