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It's another boring school day as Mr. Simmons begins our English lesson. As he drones on and on about Shakespeare, I glance over at Helga, who's dutifully taking notes and paying attention, just like always.
"Now, class, to coincide with your English lessons, I have decided that we will put on a play," says Mr. Simmons. His excited tone is met with blank stares from everybody, since Shakespeare isn't exactly the most thrilling subject to most twelve year-old kids. "Specifically, I have chosen Romeo and Juliet by William Shakespeare. It's a tragic love story of two star-crossed teenagers in love whose warring families forbid them from being together."
"A love story? That's so gross," says Harold, making a disgusted face.
"And totally boring, too," adds Sid.
"Doesn't that mean we'd have to kiss a girl?" asks Stinky, his expression similar to Harold's at the idea.
"Well yes, but it's not all romance and love. There are actually a lot of dramatic fight scenes in the play," says Mr. Simmons. "In fact, at the end of the play, Romeo and Juliet are so distraught at the idea of being apart that - well, I won't ruin the ending."
"So, we'd get to fight with swords?" asks Sid.
"And pretend to die?" adds Harold, both he, and Sid, suddenly interested at the mention of the fight scenes.
"Yes, Harold. It will be very exciting and dramatic," says Mr. Simmons, throwing his hands in the air with a dramatic flair. Everybody begins to whisper quietly to one another as the play begins to sound more interesting. "I'll be holding auditions after school in the auditorium so everybody please come along and give it your best shot."
When the final bell finally rings later in the day, most of the class has gone to the auditorium, either to audition or simply watch. I follow, taking a seat behind Mr. Simmons as my classmates are cast into various roles. None of the boys try for the part of Romeo, since they're probably too disgusted to even think about kissing a girl, let alone actually doing it for real.
The girls file in to audition for the part of Juliet. I really hope Helga isn't auditioning, because then I'd have to see her kiss some other boy who couldn't possibly be worthy of such an honor. Unfortunately, however, luck isn't on my side today, for I spot Helga at the back of the queue waiting to audition. Please, please, don't let her be picked to play Juliet.
Several of the other girls from my class audition, specifically Rhonda, Sheena, Phoebe, and Lila. I must admit, they're all pretty good. Mr. Simmons seems to think so, too, for he is unable to pick between the five girls.
"Girls, you were all just wonderful," he says, standing from his seat as he claps eagerly. "So, unusual as it is, I have decided that Rhonda will play Juliet, and the rest of you shall be her understudies. Sheena first, then Phoebe, then Lila, and then Helga."
Rhonda is ecstatic, and the girls begin to chat between themselves, giggling at something that Helga says. I don't know what it is, but she's so funny that it's no wonder the other girls are laughing. Her amazing sense of humor is just one of the many things that I love about her.
"If you don't mind me asking, Mr. Simmons, who exactly am I required to kiss?" asks Rhonda from atop the stage. "Who will be my Romeo?"
"Well, Rhonda, unfortunately I haven't cast anyone as Romeo yet. None of the boys wanted the part," explains Mr. Simmons, clearly worried about not fulfilling the leading role.
Suddenly, an idea pops into my head. If I offer to play Romeo, and somehow manage to convince Rhonda, Sheena, Phoebe, and Lila to drop out, then I'll be able to kiss Helga. Just thinking about her soft lips touching mine is enough to make me swoon internally.
"I'll do it, Mr. Simmons." All eyes are on me as I approach our teacher. "I'll play Romeo."
"Thank you, thank you so much, Arnold," says Mr. Simmons, putting a hand on my shoulder as he smiles at me. "I'm sure you'll make an amazing Romeo."
"Ooh, looks like someone wants to kiss you, Rhonda," says Helga, giggling as she pushes her friend playfully.
I blush scarlet at Helga's statement. "What? No, I don't want to kiss anybody. I just want to help Mr. Simmons."
"Yes, I'm sure he does, girls, and I'm very grateful to you, Arnold," says Mr. Simmons, putting an end to the teasing before it can truly begin. "Now, go home, and get a good night's sleep because rehearsal starts tomorrow, and I want all of my stars in tip-top shape."
I walk home, plans for convincing everybody but Helga to drop out already forming in my head. This shouldn't be too difficult.
First up - Rhonda.
As Rhonda and I practice our lines together the next day at rehearsal during morning recess, from the corner of my eye, I notice Sheena, who appears to be working on the costumes for the play. Since I know how much of a fashionista Rhonda is, I know immediately how to get her to quit her role as Juliet. All it will take is a little bit of creative sewing.
"Wonderful, both of you," says Mr. Simmons, clapping from the seats of the auditorium. "We'll continue after school, but for now get back to recess."
Rhonda leaves quickly, and I walk over to Sheena, who is currently sewing Juliet's dress.
"Hi, Sheena. What are you up to?" I ask.
"Oh, hi, Arnold," she says, looking up from the dress. "I'm just starting on Juliet's costume. I figured if I can't be in the play, I might as well help out backstage."
"I can help if you'd like. I'm not too bad at sewing," I offer, hoping that she'll let me take the dress.
"That's very nice of you, Arnold, but you have all those lines to learn. I wouldn't want to bother you."
"It's no trouble, really. I have a good memory," I say. "I could finish off Juliet's dress so you can start on the others."
"Well, as long as it's not too much trouble," she says, sounding a little hesitant as she hands the dress over. "Just be careful - you know how much Rhonda values fashion."
"Of course. I'll make sure it's absolutely perfect," I say, already thinking about how to ruin this dress for Rhonda. I know it's bad of me, but I'm willing to do anything to get that kiss from Helga.
When I get home that night, I spend hours adding in random mismatched patches of fabric all over the dress, and fraying the ends of the sleeves just ever so slightly. I hang it on the back of my bedroom door, stepping back a little to admire my handiwork. Rhonda is going to hate this dress.
The next morning, I show Rhonda the ruined dress, and I must have done a pretty good job of it, because she nearly passes out at the sight of it. Her reaction is definitely a bit more extreme than what I was expecting, but it seems to do the trick.
"Arnold, I simply cannot wear this. It's practically a crime against fashion," she says dramatically.
I fake a frown as I halfheartedly attempt to convince her to wear it. "Well, it is Juliet's dress. You have to wear it if you want to play her."
"No starring role is worth wearing that abomination. I'll have to tell Mr. Simmons that Sheena can play Juliet instead."
"Well, if you're sure," I say, feigning disappointment in my voice.
"Believe me - I'm sure," she says firmly as she walks away, presumably to find Mr. Simmons.
One down, three more to go. Next up - Sheena.
Learning my lines that night at home with Grandpa gives me an idea on how to make Sheena drop out. Romeo and Juliet isn't exactly very tame when it comes to violence; after all, the two main characters do take their own lives at the end of the play. Being the pacifist that she is, I just know that all that violence will be more than enough to make Sheena want to give up her role.
Once we finish rehearsing one of the love scenes the next day after school, I make my way over to Sheena as she's packing up her bag. "Wow, Sheena, you did great today."
"Why thank you, Arnold. You were pretty good, too," she says, smiling at me.
"I can't wait to get to the final scene," I say.
"Really? I actually haven't had time to finish reading the script so I don't know what happens."
"It's really cool. Romeo and Juliet are in this creepy crypt filled with skulls and rotting corpses, and she finds him dead from drinking poison."
"Poison? Rotting corpses?" says Sheena, starting to look a little nervous.
"Yeah, and she's so upset that she takes this rusty dagger and," I continue, mimicking stabbing myself in the chest. "She kills herself to join him in death. It's really violent, what with all the blood and guts."
Sheena becomes visibly nauseous. "Blood and guts?"
"Oh yeah, the whole play's riddled with violence," I say, pretending to be excited. "I mean, Mercutio and Tybalt are both murdered."
"I don't think I can do this. Just thinking about blood makes me queasy," says Sheena. "I'll have to quit, and let Phoebe play Juliet. I was more excited about making the costumes anyway."
I hold up Juliet's ruined dress, smiling sheepishly. "Do you think you could start on this then? I guess I'm not as good at sewing as I thought."
Two down, two to go. Next up - Phoebe.
It's not until rehearsal at recess the next day that I finally figure out how to get Phoebe to drop out. My idea definitely won't make my moral compass point northwards, but a kiss from Helga will be well worth it. I noticed recently that Phoebe sometimes gets a little nervous in front of a crowd; all I have to do is give her a tiny dose of stage fright.
As we rehearse the balcony scene, I pretend to forget some of my lines, which doesn't go unnoticed by Mr. Simmons.
"Arnold, is everything alright?" He asks, moving towards the stage. "You seem to be forgetting your lines a lot today."
"I'm sorry, Mr. Simmons," I say, rubbing the back of my neck so that I seem nervous. "I guess I'm getting a bit nervous, what with opening night coming up so soon and all."
"Everything will be fine, Arnold," says Mr. Simmons as he glances up at the clock on the far wall. "Recess is nearly over, so let's leave it there, and we'll continue after school."
Phoebe approaches me to put a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "Don't worry, Arnold. You'll learn all those lines by Friday."
I pretend to panic, clasping my hands over my head. "But, Phoebe, it's already Wednesday now, and I barely even know the first two scenes, and I've had my part since Monday." I fake a sigh, and put my head down as I stare at the stage floor. "I really hope I don't mess this up. I'd be so embarrassed, wouldn't you?"
"I guess it would be rather embarrassing," says Phoebe, watching me as I begin to pace back and forth along the stage.
"I mean, can you imagine forgetting your lines in front of all those people? Our friends, our classmates, our families. Poor Mr. Simmons would be humiliated." I come to a sudden stop, turning towards her. "But you'll be fine, Phoebe, even if you do only have two days left to memorize all those lines."
Phoebe looks panic-stricken at the idea, and for a moment I feel extremely guilty about manipulating her like this. But then I remember why I'm doing this, and my guilt is gone instantaneously.
"You're right, Arnold. There's no way I can possibly be ready by Friday," says Phoebe, clearly terrified now.
"Oh, come on, Phoebe. If anyone can do it, you can."
"No, Arnold, I can't do it," she says, sighing in defeat. "Lila can play Juliet. I think she was better suited to the role than me anyway."
Three down, one to go. Last but not least - Lila.
By the time after-school rehearsal has finished that afternoon, I still haven't figured out how to get Lila to drop out. With time no longer on my side, I decide to try my tried-and-tested strategies from before. Surely one of them will work on Lila.
I knock on the door of her dressing room, entering after I hear her saying to come in.
"Oh, hello, Arnold. What are you doing here?" asks Lila.
I put my hands behind my back as I walk over to her, trying to look as innocent as possible. "I just wanted to see how you're feeling about playing Juliet. I mean, have you seen her costume? Rhonda nearly passed out when she saw it."
"Well, you know Rhonda. She's just ever so passionate about fashion," says Lila. "But, I saw the work that Sheena has done on it, and it actually looks ever so nice now."
Dang - Sheena managed to fix the dress. Better tell her about all the violence in the play. Lila is far too sweet to possibly like anything violent.
"That's good, I guess," I say. "But what about all the blood and guts and gore? It's not all love and romance, you know."
"Oh, I don't mind that at all. It just emphasizes the message of the play, which is that true love conquers all."
Great - according to Lila, true love trumps violence. Maybe she gets stage fright. "But, aren't you worried about learning your lines? What if you forget one in front of everybody? It would be so embarrassing."
"Oh, I'm ever so sure I can do it. I'm a quick learner," she says. "And I never get stage fright. In fact, I just love being in front of an audience."
Perfect, just perfect -none of my strategies worked even a little bit. As humiliating as it is, I find myself resorting to begging. "Look, Lila, I really need Helga to play Juliet."
She looks at me as if I've offended her, which I probably have done accidentally. "Why, Arnold? Do you not think I'd be a good Juliet or something?"
"No, of course not. I'm sure you'd be a great Juliet. I just really, really need Helga to play her." I turn away from her to hide my desperation.
"This wouldn't have anything to do with you liking Helga, and wanting to kiss her would it?" Despite how sweet and polite she is, I can practically hear the smugness in her voice. "Because if that is the reason, then I'd happily give up the part. It's just ever so adorable."
"So, you're saying that if I say that I like Helga - which I don't, obviously - then you'd let Helga play Juliet?" I ask, turning back around to look at Lila.
"Well, of course I would, Arnold," she answers. "But, you don't like Helga, right?"
Sensing an opportunity - albeit, a very embarrassing one - I take a step towards Lila. "Okay, so, talking strictly hypothetically here, if I did say that I like Helga would you promise not to tell anybody?"
"Of course not, Arnold. It is meant to be a secret after all, right?"
"Do you absolutely, one hundred percent swear that you wouldn't tell another living soul?"
"Absolutely, Arnold. Your secret is safe with me - if you have one, that is."
I take a deep breath, and gather up every ounce of my courage. "I like Helga," I whisper.
"What was that, Arnold? I couldn't hear you."
"I like Helga," I repeat, just a tiny bit louder than before.
"I'm sorry, Arnold. You're mumbling."
"I like Helga!" I say, loud enough that the entire school would be able to hear if it weren't deserted. "I'm head-over-heels, hook-line-and-sinker, over-the-moon, loop-the-loop, madly-in-love with the girl!" I let out a huge sigh, relieved to finally get my secret off my chest. "Are you happy now?"
Lila smiles, clearly suppressing a giggle. "I always kind of suspected that you liked her."
"So, does this mean you'll let Helga play Juliet?" I ask, hoping that I haven't just admitted my biggest secret for nothing.
"Of course, Arnold," she answers.
"Thank you, thank you so much, Lila!" I say, having never been so happy in all my life. "And, remember, please don't tell anybody."
Lila puts her hands in the air, smiling kindly at me. "I promise."
On opening night the following evening, the scenes of the play pass by in a blur. Helga recites her lines in an angelic voice, and I almost mess up my own, for although the words belong to Shakespeare, the sentiment that I do my best to put behind them belongs to me and me alone. I guess playing a character as passionately in love as Romeo is easy when you actually do feel that way about your co-star.
We reach the final scene in the crypt, where I lie on the steps pretending to be dead. With my eyes closed, I listen as Helga and Stinky begin the conclusion of the play as she holds my head gently in her lap. The sound of Stinky's retreating footsteps allows me to focus more on Helga's hand, the one that's alternating between caressing my cheek and playing with my hair. If only she'd do that away from the stage.
"Go get thee hence, for I will not away. What's here? A cup closed in my true love's hand? Poison, I see, hath been his timeless end. O churl, drunk all, and left no friendly drop to help me after? I will kiss thy lips, haply some poison yet doth hang on them, to make me die with a restorative."
With those final words, Helga leans down and presses her lips to mine in a soft, delicate kiss. I feel myself turn red as warmth rushes through me, and my stomach begins to do miniature somersaults as I cherish the few precious seconds that she kisses me for. I desperately want to kiss her back, to keep her here with me for a little while longer, but Romeo is supposed to be dead, so I force myself to remain still.
Helga pulls away, placing my head down gently on the steps. I feel her reach for my fake dagger attached to my waistband as she pretends to join me in death. "O happy dagger, there rust, and let me die!"
She lets out just one heart-wrenching scream of anguish, and collapses on top of me as the curtains shut. Mr. Simmons rushes onstage from the wings, pulling the two of us up as he congratulates us on a job well done. Our classmates follow close behind him, and we all link hands as the curtain rises to take a bow before the audience, Helga taking my left hand in her right one. Even holding her hand is making me flustered now.
"I guess we did a pretty good job, Arnold," says Helga, gesturing towards the teary-eyed audience.
"Um, yeah, I guess we did," I say, surprised since I wasn't expecting this big of a reaction.
"And that kiss wasn't too bad either," she continues in a nonchalant voice, completely oblivious to the effect her words are having on me right now. "At least it was you and not Harold or Curly, right?"
"Um, right." I stare at the floor, turning scarlet at her comment. She said kissing me wasn't too bad; it may not be an outright compliment, but it's still enough to make my heart race.
Best school play ever.