Jackass 2003

By Joe

Summary: A written-version of the Jackass parody my friends and I videotaped in October 2003.

Chapter 1

The date was October 13, 2003. I had come home from school, and I was walking toward the house next door, which was under construction. I had my outdated Sears full VHS videocamera (it was the only other camera that my parents let me keep as my own), and since no construction workers were present, I had the house to myself so I could videotape it. After all, I loved to videotape houses.

It just so happens that I saw my friends, Lance and Joseph. Joseph called me over, "Hey, Joey, bring that videocamera over here." That spoiled my plans for filming the inside of the house, but I agreed, seeing as though it would be fun to hang out with Lance and Joseph.

Lance and I had been friends since 1995, and we always had lots of great adventures together. He was tall and lean and had shaggy brown hair and brown eyes. He lived just down the street, so it was convenient for us to hang out. Meanwhile, Joseph was the new kid in the neighborhood. He also lived down the street, only in the opposite direction from Lance. He was somewhat short and had a wide, solid build. Since I met him when school just began, I barely knew him and wanted to hang out with him more to know him better.

"Hey Lance, hey Joseph," I said. "What do you want?"

"Joey, turn that videocamera on. We want to film some stunts," said Joseph.

"Cool," I said, turning on my videocamera. The first shot was of Lance walking in the open garage under construction. "Hey, Lance, what's up?" my first words on tape said. I swung over to see Joseph gliding closer on his bike. He shouted something incoherent, and then I pointed my camera at the ground, where his white dog ran toward me. I shut off the camera because the battery had died already. "Excuse me, guys," I said, "Let me go over to my house and get my AC adapter. Lance, watch my camera for me," I said. I hurried off to my house.

Meanwhile, Joseph took some scraps of plywood and 2x4s to make a crude bike ramp. "Hey, Lance, watch this," said Joseph, as he hopped on his bike and revved up on the bike ramp, soaring up.

"Wow, that's awesome, dude!" exclaimed Lance. Joseph's bike hit the ground, and Joseph got off. "Too bad Joey wasn't here to film it."

I then came back a minute later to find Joseph attempting the same stunt I'd missed. Unfortunately, he couldn't get it right. I attached the AC adapter, sliding off the battery. "What are you doing?" I asked Joseph.

"Trying to jump off this bike ramp I made," said Joseph.

Lance turned to me and said, "He jumped off real well before you came."

"Why didn't you film it?" I asked.

"Because you weren't here," explained Lance.

I shrugged and plugged the AC adapter into an extension cord the construction workers left (I would be using this extension cord quite a lot later). "Okay, guys, let's film some stunts!" I said.

"Okay, first, we'll film Joseph getting shaken in a porta-potty," Lance laughed.

"What? No way, man!" exclaimed Joseph.

"Don't worry, dude, it'll be fake," Lance said.

The three of us walked to a porta-potty left by the construction workers. I filmed the inside of it. "This, right here, is the porta-potty," said Joseph.

"Yeah, okay, we get it," I said, backing out, filming Joseph getting in.

"…with crap inside!" he added.

"Yeah, we get it, fine, great…" I said. Joseph shut the door, and I turned off the camera, only to accidentally turn it on again, showing Joseph exiting the bathroom. "Cut!" I yelled. "Joseph, we'll have to restart this, I screwed up on the filming," I said, turning off the camera. Joseph and Lance agreed, and I filmed Joseph entering the bathroom and shut it off when he left. Then, Joseph got behind me, and Lance approached the porta-potty.

Joseph made screaming sounds from behind me while Lance shook the empty porta-potty. "Aah! Ahh ahh!" wailed Joseph. We made it seem like he were inside. Then, I turned the camera off, and Lance stopped shaking the porta-potty. We had Joseph go back inside and come back out when I began filming. "Oh…man…that's sick!" he moaned as he exited the porta-potty. I laughed my butt off. "Man, when do we get to watch this?" Joseph asked.

"How 'bout now?" I asked.

"Aight," Joseph said. He walked off a bit.

"Ha ha ha, see you, sap!" I exclaimed.

I stopped recording and rewound the tape and adjusted the viewfinder so the three of us could watch the video. Since I didn't bring any earphones, there was no sound, but we did get to watch the video, which we all laughed at. "Come on, guys, what do we do now?" Lance asked as I shut off the camcorder.

"Why don't we do a stunt where I jump off the second floor?" I suggested.

Lance and Joseph looked at each other and howled in laughter. "Sounds good, Joey," said Joseph. "Let's do it!" The three of us entered the house and went to an opening, which was supposed to lead to a deck, although the deck had not been constructed yet. For the time being, there was just open space. (Note: There were two identical open doorways, but they're opposite of each other. The place where I attempted this next stunt will be called Point A, and the point across will be Point B.) I gave my camera to Joseph and told him how to operate it. I got within camera-shot, and Joseph started filming. "And this…is Joey," said Joseph.

"Hey, guys, what's up?" I said, playing with my hands, fingers, and arms in an idiotic way.

Joseph turned to the opening that led outside. "And Joey is going to jump off the building," said Joseph. He cut the camera off, only to quickly turn it on, focusing on me. "Ready?" he asked. I nodded and started running. "Here we go…" Joseph said.

"Ahh Ahh!" I yelled, and began to slow down at the edge. Joseph turned off the camera. I quickly ran down the basement stairs and got on the ground in a position that made it look like I'd fallen. Joseph looked down and turned the camera on again. "Oh…oh…" I moaned. But then, Lance stepped by Joseph and threw down some ceiling shingles at me. "Agh! Damn it, Lance!" I yelled. Lance and Joseph cackled in laughter. Joseph turned off the camera, and I ran up the basement stairs to meet the guys again. "What do we do now?" I asked.

"Dunno," Joseph said.

"Hey, let's go outside," Lance suggested.

"All right," I said, taking the camera from Joseph.

The three of us went outside, and I turned my camera on to film Lance and Joseph just milling around in the driveway. Lance held an empty milk jug but then dropped it. "Oh shit," he said.

Lance picked up the jug, and I used the zoom feature to zoom in on him. "Lance curses…again…" I said, zooming out. Lance gave Joseph a light punch on the shoulder, but then, Joseph gave Lance an even harder punch, causing Lance to let go of the milk jug and have it fly up in the air. The two instantly were instantly in a punching fit and eventually turned into a wrestling match. I stood by filming the whole thing and laughed my head off.

Joseph picked up the milk jug, about to hit Lance with it, when suddenly, Lance's mother pulled up to the driveway. I turned the camera to show Lance running up to his mother and talked to her. Apparently, he was in trouble for being late. I turned to Joseph. "Joseph, what do you have to say about this?" I asked. Joseph mumbled something, but I couldn't hear what he said. I turned off the camera and hurried home. Since Lance was about to leave, I figured the party was over for the day. I had to get home, too. I'd been gone an hour longer than my parents wanted me to be. Ironically, the entire recorded time on tape was only 3-½ minutes! I went next door to return home. What a fun after school activity we had!