Chapter
Two
I need to poo
In Suze's shoe
Oh, boo hoo.
. . . Uh, yeeeeeeeeeah . . .
So. We were fast, weren't we?
Teehee . . . Enjoy!
And Aina would like to make an apology to the JFC for her vicious betrayal, and state that this was ALL Lolly's idea and that she was peer pressured and bullied and intimidated by said evil hag.
Love us.
- 8 -
I opened my eyes to see Paul's face hovering over mine.
Feeling really uncomfortable, I turned away, starting to sit up. His hand was still on my face, and I lifted one of my hands to move his away, but he grabbed my hand instead. I stared at his hand on mine dumbly, unable to think.
And then, I could do nothing but stare into those eyes . . .
They were transfixing.
They made all of time just stop, making me lose myself in a swirl of hypnotism.
She's married, Slater. Don't . . .
. . . Who cared?
I was more than used to stepping over the boundaries of what was allowed, taking advantage of every single situation I could, until everything was to my liking. I was used to holding everyone and everything in my power, getting what I wanted, squeezing the life out of a circumstance, and doing everything to win. That was what I loved about being a lawyer. It was all about lying . . . convincing . . . tricking the jury into believing what you want them to believe . . . and then winning the case.
And here was Suze. So . . .forbidden. More distant from my greedy hands than she could have ever been. She belonged to Jesse. She was his. She could not be anyone else's. . . . Unless they lied, convinced, and tricked her. Which I am so good at doing . . .
In that moment of memorization, all I saw was her.
All I wanted was her.
All I felt was her.
The one thing that I could SO not have. . . . The one thing that I wanted.
And the one thing I was going to get.
My mouth felt dry. His eyes were piercing into mine, and it was all I could do to pull myself away from him. But I was frozen, transfixed. His lips looked so soft, inviting. It had been so long since I feel a man's touch. And someone like Paul . . . he was the type of man who seems to know what he wants. And he was looking at me like I was the thing he wanted right now.
Not that any of that mattered . . . I was . . . I – I wasn't available, so there.
I brushed my thumb across her lips, relishing the shiver that overwhelmed her body.
She closed her eyes, and went to turn her face away, but - I kissed her.
I wanted to.
So I did.
I kissed Suze. . . . Mrs de Silva.
I knew it was coming...even from the first moment we saw each other again. The tension was always there. Yet when he kissed me, it was something else. I have resisted against him and yet I didn't. I just let him kiss me.
And I wanted to kiss him back.
She'd obviously forgotten that little thing that was on her finger. Her wedding ring, that is.
There was passion in her response that shocked me. I was prepared to take what I wanted, and get slapped afterwards. But reciprocation . . . I didn't dream that that was on the cards . . . until I felt her kissing me back . . . like THAT.
Wow.
Must have been a while since Jesse last fucked her, huh.
And I kissed him back with such force that it surprised me even more than it surprised him. I knew it was wrong, and yet my physical self was telling me that I was right. That I wanted it, perhaps as much as he wanted it.
God, what was I doing?
That was when she started resisting.
I knew it was coming. I mean, I hadn't expected her to even kiss back. She wasn't mine to kiss, after all. But now that she had . . . I knew that there was willingness there . . .
And since I knew it existed . . . I wasn't going to let her go, now.
So as she tried to get me off of her, I forced her back down with gluttonous hands that wanted all they could get of her. I flashed her a dark smile, pressing my lips against hers once more. She broke in her struggling, accidentally kissed back, and then tried even harder to get me away from her.
Not a chance, babe.
I struggled, but he pushed me down. I guess me kissing him back encouraged him.
Same old story.
When will I ever learn?
Thinking back to my tried-and-true method, I tried to raise my hand to poke his eye, but he held my hands down. His weight was crushing me, and his kisses were pressing me down harder.
Right now, fighting him was useless because the harder I fought, the stronger his grip got.
The harder she fought, the more I knew she wanted this.
There was PASSION there. Passion that her precious JESSE didn't seem to be noticing all that much. Sure, de Silva. Marry the girl. You're supposed to look AFTER her, you bastard.
And there he was, obviously not touching her like she wanted – NEEDED to be touched.
Guilt was bearing down on me. Some kind of a wife I was, kissing another man when her husband's across the country working.
I felt so cheap.
Push him off. PUSH HIM OFF.
'Paul – ' I yelled in fury, and panic, 'Get off – '
Again, she tried shoving me away. She put up a hell of a fight, too. But I wasn't having it. There was not a chance in hell that I'd stop now. Not when I knew what I did. How badly she NEEDED this.
She looked like she was about to cry, she was panicking that much. She was scared. Scared of betraying someone who probably showed no sign of even WANTING her.
He was strong, damn it. All my pushing and shoving didn't amount to much. But I managed to turned my head aside and growled, 'Get off me!'
I swear if he didn't, I was going to cry.
. . . I just went straight for her neck. I heard her cry out, as if in pain. I knew that it was pain that I was triggering, but it was nothing physical. I wasn't being gentle, sure. She didn't WANT it gentle. But I was pretty sure her pain was psychological.
You know. Conscience.
I kept touching her. My fingers roamed up her sides, whenever she wasn't thrashing around for me to get off. Her gasps fueled my fire, turning me on even more than the forbiddeness of it all.
The skin of her neck was pure sin.
I loved the taste.
So addictive.
It was wrong, and immoral, and not allowed . . . and I wanted more of it . . .
I felt his hands all over my body. They were rough and urgent, like he was looking for something. Like we were on borrowed time. Jesse was never like that with me.
Jesse was always gentle and sweet. Always taking his time.
With my arms around her possessively, I materialized the pair of us only a small distance away.
My bedroom.
Well, if she didn't freak out before, she SURE did then.
Okay, THIS was cheating. I am officially panicking now.
'Suze,' I soothed me, kissing her neck more furiously then before, 'Shhhh . . . ' That made her more hysterical. She was begging me to stop. Pleading with me. Offering me that power that I loved so much . . .
I could have stopped. I swear, I would have. I mean, I am aware that anything unconsential is wrong.
But while her voice was saying no, everything else was screaming yes.
'Stop it. Paul, please, this isn't – I'm not joking, if you don't – if you – I'll – Paul? Please, no –' I was crying. I didn't know what else to do to make him stop. He just ignored me, and kept on kissing my neck like I was the first woman he'd been with in a long time.
Which I doubt was true.
It was my fault. I had kissed him back. I had lead him on. My fault.
I slid hands down her arms. Her skin felt like hell's fire on my fingers. Deliciously so. I continued down to the edge of her turtleneck sweater. I hooked my thumbs beneath it, sliding it up, not as slowly as I should have, probably.
Patience has never been a strong point of mine.
My fault.
And yet as I was telling myself that, I found myself responding to his touch.
I resisted.
Then I felt his mouth on my jaw line, and his hand on my stomach, and I didn't want to resist. Because they felt good. It was like Jekyll and Hyde inside of me. A part that wanted it, and another that didn't.
Hyde was winning.
Her sweater was off in no time. The absence of it was heaven. I slid one hand beneath her back, my world searing in my desire to keep touching her. I kissed her hard, stopping her crying as she returned my favour. She was denying it, but she felt it.
All it seemed I wanted to do was make her feel the pleasure that she seemed to stubborn to ignore. Her pleasure was my deep satisfaction.
That was what I aimed for.
Reactions of intense pleasure.
And I got them.
My hands weren't shoving him away anymore. Instead, they were straying around his body, taking in every curve and every exposed flesh.
Still it wasn't enough.
I tugged at his shirt, wanting them off. A small voice told me to stop. Stop before we cross the forbidden line. But I ignored the voice.
Very gasp, every pant, every moan, thrilled along my every nerve. I had Susannah Simon beneath me.
Not Susannah de Silva.
She'd NEVER be that to me.
This was my Suze. The one I'd wanted for myself so long ago. The one she'd denied me. I had her now. . . .
And I'd have her the way I'd wanted her since I was seventeen.
He was kissing me again. And this time, I kiss him back with no hesitation.
She was letting herself drown in the pleasure . . .
Finally
My knee jammed between her legs, making her fingers dig deeply into my shoulders in her efforts to remain silent and not grant me with the reaction I wanted to hear. I pressed my knee harder into her.
So forbidden . . . it was thrilling . . .
This was . . . too much. My body was hot, and my heart was thudding like crazy.
How COULD Paul make me FEEL this way?
With just a kiss, he made me want more . . . and more. Kisses that were spells and which I had fallen under. I didn't know where this was heading. But wherever it was, it was not somewhere innocent.
Her leg curled around the back of mine, and she turned her face away from mine, leaving her neck exposed again. Something almost vampiric made me kiss her throat with such passion, such seduction, that I was rewarded with her hands coming to my shoulder and my hair, gripping me against her, not wanting me to stop. Thank you, God . . .
I relished how she trembled when my lips touched her skin. It felt amazing to know that I had control over her. The control that I'd wanted to have over her for such a long time.
I was gasping for more of him . . . and it sounded alien to my ears. Such painful desire had woken inside me and I didn't know how to handle it.
But Paul sure did, if his hands that were gripping my waist were any indication.
Don't stop.
De Silva wasn't here to show her the passion she needed.
I was.
. . . And I did.
- 8 -
For a long, long time, I've always wondered what it was that made me so attracted to this girl. I mean, she was just a girl, right?
What was the big mystery?
Why did I want her so badly?
Why did she make my life feel like it would crumble to pieces without her?
What was it about her that made her so God damned beautiful?
Why couldn't she be just a girl?
Well, if I had have anticipated this . . . if I had have KNOWN that this would happen . . . all those questions would have been answered.
The big mystery?
I wanted her because I couldn't have her.
Someone else had her. Now that I DID have her . . . I wanted to keep her for myself. I wanted even more of her. She had nothing else to offer me. But I wanted more.
She was in my arms. She was shivering. She wasn't cold. But I think she was as scared as hell. After all . . . I'd just made a married woman cheat on her husband. Why did it bring such glee to me? I knew she wasn't asleep, even if she was pretending to be. Her hair felt like the softest silk that fingers could possibly relish. Her skin was smooth, warm, and tantalizingly sensitive to my touch.
Oh my God . . . oh my GOD, oh God, oh God . . .
WHAT HAD I DONE?
. . . You cheated on your husband, that's what you've done, Suze.
Oh my God.
There I was, lying on a bed that was NOT mine, with a man that was NOT Jesse. I was the worst wife anyone could ever have. What if Jesse found out? I couldn't think about it. I couldn't – couldn't BELIEVE I'd . . . no way. This wasn't . . . happening . . . I didn't – I LOVED Jesse, how could – what if he - ?
The possibilities all scared me.
As did the numbed incoherency of my thoughts.
I closed my eyes and pretended to sleep. I didn't know if Paul was awake or not, but I wasn't taking my chances. I couldn't look at him. Not right now. Not after what we had just done.
I breathed in the intoxicating scent of her hair. Not being able to help myself, I trailed a finger down her spine, only to realize that she WAS awake, if the way she suddenly drew in a breath was indication enough.
I smirked, closing my eyes.
I don't think any man has ever been this satisfied with himself. Not like I was then. I felt like I'd won everything.
Damn. He was awake. And now he knew I was too.
I was so damn scared. Of what would happen if Jesse found out. What he'd say, the look on his face, his shock, his anger, his betrayal, his disgust . . .
I was on the pill and everything. After all, I'd only been married to him for a short time, and he didn't want kids yet. So yeah, I was on the pill. Yay. I didn't even know why anymore. It wasn't like Jesse DID anything these days that would require said medication.
It'd been forever since we'd . . . yeah.
No, seriously. Twice, since our marriage a year and a half ago.
TWICE.
Two nights, out of well over four hundred.
He was always too busy. Too tired. Night shifts at the hospital, and what not.
I hated it . . .
The intimacy I shared with her was a truly perfect thing.
Perfect for me, anyway.
I doubt it was so wonderful for her.
I leant back from her, after long last, and looked down into her reluctant eyes. She was terrified. I could feel her shaking, her bare skin on mine. I'd conquered something in her that rendered her temporarily powerless, speechless, and, uh . . . well, naked.
GOD, what a great view.
I didn't know what to do. This was beyond anything I ever thought I would do. I felt like crying. But I wasn't going to look weak in front of him. After all, it was mutual. What we did. I wanted to say something, but nothing came to mind. Again, I felt like leaving. Like running away and never seeing him again.
But I was afraid that if I did that, the first thing he would do was fly to Carmel and tell Jesse everything. Something like that I can imagine Paul doing. I need to make sure that he wouldn't.
Her eyes tried to tell me things that she didn't have the courage to say out loud. I refused to read her eyes. The comprehensions would be too depressing for my liking. . . .
I knew she liked that. The sex, I mean. I could tell. It was obvious, in everything she'd done. Every breath, every movement, every scream. She'd loved me inside her. She'd loved it. But she'd hated it, too, because she knew she was meant to.
She was still shivering. Still scared. Still stunned at what she'd just done.
With me.
I closed my eyes and breathed across her cheek. I just wanted to keep touching her, like she was my lifeline between the living and the dead.
Did he even loved me? Or had I just given my body to a guy who just wanted to get laid? I didn't know which was worse though. Knowing that he didn't love me, or that he did.
Either way, I was in a terrible predicament. I started to sit up, thinking there was no way I could stay there another second. My guilt was killing me.
I pulled her back down, into me. Her arms felt delicate. Breakable. I didn't say anything. I just held her still.
She couldn't leave.
Not yet.
Not when I was basking in the glory of finally claiming my Suze Simon
Lying there in his arms felt good. But kissing him felt good too, and look where that lead me to?
I couldn't think of anything about him as good, because they're wrong. Even sleeping with him. However good he made me feel, it was wrong.
And it was a mistake.
He needed to know that.
'Paul,' I said. There was a shakiness to my voice that I hated.
'Don't,' I muttered down at her. After all of these years, all I wanted her to do was shut up while I held onto her. I loved the feel of her against me. It was amazing.
I sat up, pulling the covers with me. I looked down on him lying there, eyeing me with wary eyes. 'We have to talk.'
I rolled my eyes. 'No we don't,' I said shortly.
Talking lead to hesitations. Then regret. Then departure.
Then no more sex with Suze, for Paul.
And that would be a BIG shame. I mean . . . she was so passionate. In everything she did. It was no wonder that she was –
. . . You don't need to know that.
She turned her head away, and sighed. Her back was sexy. Just so smooth, and beautiful. Her hair was falling down her shoulders messily. Which was to be expected.
It had been against my pillow for a while. Her hair, I mean.
Of course he didn't want to talk. Because he knew what I was going to say. 'This was a mistake,' I said, not looking at him but at the bed sheets. They were blue. Reminding me of his eyes.
God. I knew that was coming.
That was when, with the sheets around my lower half, I took her unaware. I sat up too, pushed her back, and then rolled on top her, pressing her down against my mattress. She looked up at me with WHAT-ARE-YOU-DOING? eyes, to which I responded with my steadiest exactly-what-I-want gaze.
Then, I retrieved her hand, brought it to my lips, slid her ring finger into my mouth, and with my teeth, I gently edged off her ring.
That made her shake more, probably in realization of exactly what she'd done.
Don't go . . .
What was he doing? I just stared, numb, as he slid off my wedding ring from my finger. Using his mouth. And I was sorry to say that that one action actually turned me on. He took the ring from his mouth and looked at it in amusement. Like it was something that meant nothing to him.
Well, I guess it did.
'Give it back,' I whispered acidly.
GOD, give it back.
I smirked at her. 'Make me,' I hissed down at her.
I grabbed at his hand, but he put the ring into his mouth. I stared at him in shock.
I smiled down at her astonishment. And then, I kissed her again. Which was a pretty cruel thing to do. Have the evidence of her marriage to another man, in my mouth, and making her kiss me to get it back.
What else can you expect from Paul? That jerk was making me do things his way.
He kissed me, so I kissed him back.
Only with the intention to get my ring back.
Because how the hell was I supposed to explain to Jesse that I lost my wedding ring?
Even worse, if Paul had it with him all along?
I felt his tongue, and the ring fell into my mouth. Quickly, I pulled away from him and shut my lips.
I smirked down at her again, tracing illogical patters across her arms.
I loved how she shivered.
'See? Why should we talk . . . when we can do this?'
I kissed her neck, slowly first, and then building up to more intensity.
I couldn't talk. Not when the ring was in my mouth and I didn't want to choke to death. But the silence only encouraged him. I lifted my right hand and took out the ring from my mouth. Seeing it made me feel guilty all over again. I pushed against Paul. He could not have me again.
I tried getting to quiet again, but the ring thing had really stirred her up. I guess that had been too risky of me. I'd pulled back her memories of how she was bound in holy matrimony. To someone who wasn't the guy she'd just screwed.
She looked panicky again.
He seemed to hesitate. I took advantage of that and said, 'This shouldn't have happened. It was wrong.'
He was still on top of me, apparently not hearing what I just said. Or he just decided to ignore it.
'Of course it's wrong,' I whispered at her, lowering myself back so I was . . . well, yeah. Her mouth opened in silence, and her eyes closed, and her shaking got worse. 'But you loved it, Suze. Don't tell me that that wasn't the best thing you've ever experienced.'
She looked like she was about to lie, so I cut her off.
'No,' I said, 'I won't let you answer that. You're not going to admit it. But you feel it, Suze. You don't belong with him. You weren't born to marry a guy like that. He doesn't deserve you. And he won't satisfy you.'
'He satisfies me!' I spat, focusing my eyes on his face. It was bad enough what I did, but I couldn't let him say anything bad about Jesse.
Jesse wasn't the problem.
I was.
I gave her a wry smile.
'Then why did you enjoy that so much?'