Chapter 9: Gay Fantasies About Hurley
Everyone sat still. Hurley looked horrified at a furiously blushing Charlie.
"What was that!" Hurley choked.
"What? I'm just saying, they're very soft and supple, like a woman's" Charlie said.
"I am going to pretend you didn't say that" Hurley said, face red.
"Walt don't listen to them" Claire said quickly, her mother instincts kicking in.
"Charlie, continue your story, no one really wants to hear about your, gay fantasies about Hurley,"
"Oh god!" Hurley sputtered.
Charlie was as red as a beet.
"Well, I continued to enjoy the Chocolate room, chomping away when I noticed something creepy. A bunch of odd little men were working in the chocolate room, with construction equipment just their size" He continued.
"Were they elves?" Walt asked.
"No! Charlie said.
"Haven't you ever seen The Lord of the Rings? Elves are tall and blonde. These guys were dark and no higher than my knee"
"Were they hobbits?" Claire asked.
"They were wearing shoes" Charlie said.
"They were Oompa Loompas!"
"But Oompa Loompas are orange, with green hair" Sawyer said.
"They don't look Indian."
"Who went to the chocolate factory?" Charlie asked, coldly.
"Anyway, just as Willy Wonka was telling us all about the Oompa Loompas, the fat German woman yelled to her son. His stupid fat head was dipped in the chocolate river like one of those dipping birds, but very fat.
'Little boy!' Wonka called.
'My chocolate must not be touched by human hands!'
'But it's not his human hands, it's his human head' I said.
'Shut up' Willy pouted.
The Augustus fell in the river. I started laughing.
"He could have drowned!" Claire interrupted.
"I didn't know at the time. I thought it was funny" Charlie said.
"He struggled while his mother panic and we all stared not bothering to help. Then we heard a WHOOSH! and a sucking noise. He was being sucked up by a giant pipe. It was extremely hilarious of course until he got stuck. Chocolate was getting blocked by his huge ass. All of us were talking at once and Willy called for his Oompa Loompas. They all filed out, and we heard loud upbeat music.
"It seems they're going to treat us to a little song." Willy said.
"They haven't had fresh audience in many a moon"