Is Out the Right Way to Go?
by BEWD Sorcerer
Disclaimer: I don't own anything but the plot!
AN: Some might consider Voldemort a little OOC. I think he is a little insane, but he can obviously seem sane to the uninformed. Harry could easily go insane with the way he was raise and the fact that he's got a not-so-sane murderous snake bastard after him.
WARNING! I have been threatened with bills for split sides and aching facial muscles. I will not pay any hospital bills because I have no money nor do I have insurance for this kind of thing. You read this at your own risk.
/telepathic link speech/
"out loud speech, English"
'Parseltongue'
Who? Who would drop what they were doing and leave? Who truly loves me enough to give up the war and go into hiding with me?
Hermione would squawk about doing my duty; she wouldn't go much less be supportive.
Ron wants to show off to Hermione, so he wouldn't leave unless Hermione left and maybe not even then.
Ginny's probably the one everybody else expects me to marry, but I have no such intentions and because of her first year she would refuse to trust Tom Riddle aka Voldemort.
None of the other students strike me as willing to hide from the war.
None of the other Weasleys, surely not.
Remus? I'm not sure. I guess it's time to do some super-sleuth action around Remus. He might especially with us working to pull Sirius back from behind the Veil. Personally, I don't think that friends is all they were.
Lovely. I have a whole one person to take with me, one to pull out of a monster curtain, and one that was my enemy now is my savior. I'm Harry Potter; I shouldn't be surprised. Nothing's normal about me.
"BOY!"
"Fuck..." I stand and leave my room. "Yes, Uncle Vernon?"
"Get in here and make breakfast or I'll-" his threats a muttered under his breath, surely to be nasty enough for Petunia to scold him for such language even if it's at me.
"Yes, sir." What else can I say? I start cooking quickly.
/We'll kidnap you, let the Sputtering Chickens reclaim you so you'll be at Headquarters and able to speak with those who would follow you out, then come for you again, trash the Nest of the Roast Chicken and get you and your appointed family out. Sounds like a lovely good plan to me. What do you think/ Voldemort sure is chipper in the mornings when he's planning death and destruction.
/Lovely, except I'm trying to cook right now and don't need any distract-/ Is something burning?
"BOY! What did you burn!" I look down. The bacon and eggs are fine... oh, the toast is burning, but why is the toast burning? Who set the toaster on dark?
"You're wasting food again! No food today for you! Make new toast and this time don't burn it!"
/Whoop-dee-fucking-doo./ I put new bread in the toaster after removing the dark toast to the inner pocket I attached to Dudley's old pants that I'm wearing.
/What happened/ Do I hear concern? I tell him what just transpired. /Bastard. You're hungry, aren't you/
/Don't worry. I've got the toasty toast./ I laugh softly.
/That's not enough. No wonder you're so short./ He's teasing me, but still concerned. It's kinda creepy.
/I'm not short. I-/
/You're short because you've been undernourished most of your life thus stunting your growth. I'm amazed you're as tall as you are. It's probably because of your magic./ He's not teasing anymore. He seems upset and angry, really angry. The food's ready, so I serve it and go back upstairs to my room. /If you could choose, would you like us to burn the house after we retrieve you/ I'm eating some of the nearly burnt toast and nearly choke on it. Hedwig's scolding me with a look as she continues nibbling on her piece of toast.
/... I should say no. Currently, I would cheer and dance around if you were to burn this place to the ground, but that wouldn't be what the Boy-Who-Lived would do, so, yes, I would love it if you were to set Number 4 Privet Drive on fire./ I can't help but grin. My childhood prison is going to go up in flames.
/Then make sure you have all your things packed. We'll be coming to get you tonight at 10./
/Alright. I think there's only a few things I need to repack.../ My wand stays on me at all times, my homework needs to be packed, my photo album needs to be repacked...
/If you don't mind me asking, who are you going to tell/ There he goes again, acting like he cares.
/After much consideration there is only one who might come with me: Remus Lupin./ He's surprised.
/Out of all your friends and admirers you choose the only friend of your parents that isn't in limbo or my service and just happens to be a werewolf./ So what?
/He's smart, a friend, and there's a possibility that'd he'd switch for me because I'm the last of his pack and we're working on retrieving Sirius./ So there!
/I was just expecting you to start naming all the Weasleys and the Mu-uh ah Granger./ I'm going to ignore that he almost insulted Hermione.
/They wouldn't leave Blunderbore, only Remus and that's probably just because I'm the last member of his pack. My parents are dead/ There was a bit of regret. /Wormtail is a traitor and a bumbling idiot, and Sirius is playing Hide-and-Seek behind a curtain in the Department of Circular Reasoning./
/About that-/ That catches my attention.
/Sirius/ I can feel him rolling his eyes, but his amusement is clear.
/Yes, I'm serious-/ Oh god no.
/Stop right there! No name jokes, Siriusly./ I want to bash my head through a wall, too many bad jokes.
/Oh, fine. I found a ritual in an old Roman book about drapery-/ Roman? Oh, the theater was probably from way back when.
/Please tell me we don't have to use a vacuum cleaner./ Evil, loud, buggers that get you in trouble because the others can't lower themselves to watch for the cord and when they trip over the cord, you get into trouble.
/Vacuum? Ah, one of those muggle cleaning appliances. Why? Don't like them/ Nah, I love them to death. Really! Die, damn vacuums, die!
/Evil buggers. I'd rather fight you than vacuum./ He's laughing at me. Damn snake bastard.
/No, no vacuums... unless your godfather was related to a vacuum/ He's teasing me again.
/No, as far as I know Sirius wasn't related to any vacuum cleaners. Wait, we have to have one of his relatives? Who are we going to use and what's going to happen to them/
/We're going to use the person closest to him on the family tree and they're going to be the focus for the pull to get Sirius out from behind the Veil./
/So we're going to use Bellatrix? How're we going to get her to go along with this/
/You forget, my dear Potter, that I am the Dark Lord. She willingly pulls her cousin out of limbo or she unwillingly pulls her cousin out of limbo because I ordered her to and she'll do anything to please me./ Oh, yeah. Nearly forgot about that. The wonders of having obedient followers that literally kiss your feet.
/Yes, I must have forgotten the benefits of having an insane psycho-bitch at my disposal-/ I'm sarcastic, so what? Voldemort seems to be enjoying it. He's laughing and it's not that high-pitched cackle. He's actually laughing. It's sending shivers up my spine.
/Harry, all women are insane psycho-bitches. It's just that some only have access to their super bitch powers once a month while others have full reign of their powers./ (AN: I am female and I completely agree with this statement hence why I'm typing it.)
/I'll agree with you on that./ Gah! My stomach just rumbled. I'm hungry...
/You are hungry./ It was a statement, not a question.
/Not like you can do anything about it./ I huff. So what if I'm hungry now? He'll be taking care of that problem soon, no need to worry about that now.
/I am currently checking the wards on your prison. Go ahead and look out your window./ I get up and peek out at the backyard. I don't see anything for a moment, then I notice movement by a bush in a corner of the yard. Peeking out from underneath the brush are two large snakes, Nagini and Voldemort.
/And if the muggles spot you/ I ask, hoping that it doesn't happen. Voldemort suddenly feels smug.
/Worry not, fair maiden! It is I, you knight in shining armor atop my faithful steed, coming to rescue you from yonder tower/ I scowl and he knows that I'm embarrassed, but thankful of my impending freedom.
/Armor? You mean those scales? Not much protection if you've got an enraged muggle coming at you with a pitch fork. Steed? I don't think Nagini would appreciate you calling her that, master or not. Does she know that you called her that/ Obviously not as the larger snake just whapped at the smaller, darker snake in the backyard. /Uncle Vernon would throw a fit if there was a horse on his precious lawn much less some creepy snake bastard claiming to be his freak nephew's knight./ Voldemort's laughter was cut short.
/He calls you a freak./ Once again it wasn't a question.
/He's a muggle and he knows I'm a wizard. I can do things he couldn't even dream about if he had all the muggle technology in the world... at its current time./ I explain hastily, trying to calm down the furious dark lord.
/We're going in now. I'm calling my Death Eaters and we're getting you out so you can have a proper lunch./ Voldemort paused for a moment. /I've just had a lovely idea on how to get you out of here with some fun on the way out./
/Like what/ I couldn't let them get hurt too badly... on the other hand, they deserved all the hell Voldemort is sure to put them through. I barely noticed that Nagini had slithered off somewhere.
/Bloody great snakes turning into charming princes for beautiful princesses when bestowed a kiss all in that fat muggle's backyard. He'll notice, charge out here, see me transform, be taunted, then my Death Eaters will drag them off to be tortured for all the abuse they dealt you. We'll go in, grab your trunk, and nip off for a spot of lunch before returning to my manor to get you settled in./ Vindictive Voldemort chortled gleefully as he thought up some gruesome punishments for the Dursleys.
/And the Order isn't going to be able to stop you/ I can't help if I'm cautious. Too many shortcut schemes going wrong does that.
/By the time they realize there's a problem, it'll be too late to stop me./ Voldemort in a cheerful mood is creepy.
/And how can you be sure/
/Because we've already taken down your watcher and their shift doesn't end for another two hours./ The dark snake peered around as Nagini returned. /Showtime! Rapunzel! Rapunzel! Let down your hair/ I'm upset that I'm being referred to as a helpless girl and I let him know it, but he just chuckles and says I can punish him later.
/My hair's too short. I'll just use the stairs, shall I/
/You're tempting me to hex your hair long./
/Don't you dare-/
/Maybe later. Come out here so you can meet your new mother, Mummy Nagini./ He got smacked again. I laughed softly to myself as I crept downstairs, past my relatives (Vernon noticed me and glared me all the way out the backdoor). I shorten the distance between myself and the two waiting snakes. Voldemort slithered out from under the bush first as I arrived, slithering up my offered arm while Nagini just curled around my feet, keeping an eye out for my relatives.
'That wasn't so hard. We'll have to see how you look with long hair later. How about a few practice kisses first?' I lightly smacked him on the nose nuzzling my cheek.
'The fat one comes.' Nagini hissed, raising up threateningly.
"Boy!" Vernon calls and I reluctantly turn to face him. Lucky me, he's standing back because of the snakes hissing warningly at him. Well, Nagini's hissing warnings at him. Voldemort's cussing at him with such vehemence even I, who could cuss out a sailor, am blushing.
"Yes, Uncle Vernon? Oh, see my new friends? I'm thinking that when I graduate I'll be a herpetologist. I've always had an affinity for snakes. /Yeah, like being able to speak with them./ They're so beautiful, don't you think so?" I stroke Voldemort's scaly snake head and hear him sigh in pleasure mentally. "I love snakes, especially these two /goddamn/ beautiful snakes." I'm gushing, I know, but I'm so giddy. I'm about to be free! I warn Voldemort (AN: Here I come! XD) before I swoop in for the kiss. Voldemort transforms with a soft pop and a puff of smoke for show, just as much in Dudley's old shirt as I am except his arms are wrapped around my middle under the shirt as he deepens the kiss.
This is not what I had expected. I had expected a swift, chaste kiss like in those fairytales that Voldemort had just been teasing me about, not like some long lost lover enjoying what he had been missing, complete with nipple-tweaking, brushes against my erection, and the hard-on nudging at my lower back through layers of fabric. After three or four more minutes of desperate tonsil-hockey Voldemort had roped me into, Nagini finally got our attention back on the purple walrus raging at us from three feet away (due to Nagini being so damn intimidating). Voldemort (which I realized now looked more like Tom when he was about twenty, not that I knew that, but it was a good guess that I later found out) ducks out of the circus tent of a shirt I'm wearing, palming my ass in a rather possessive/appreciative way, making me squeak and blush, glad that the shirt was so long and baggy to hide the not-so-obvious tent in my baggy pants. He looks so smug, having made me breathless and horny and red all over. I can tell he's seriously considering going in for round two when Nagini once again snaps us back to the present. The purple, sputtering Vernon looks icky with his eyes bloodshot and spittle dripping down his chin and flying out as he continues to scream at us. I notice the neighbors watching intently and smirk, making sure to warn Voldemort.
He pulls a rolled-up newspaper out of one of his pockets, leans forward, and pops the enraged muggle on the nose, deadpanning, "Bad dog, no biscuit." Amazingly Vernon is so shocked that the blood is released and his face goes deathly white in record time and he's silent which is always a plus. I want to laugh so hard, but I don't want to ruin anything.
/I know the perfect Death Eater to give him to./ Voldemort gleefully declares, the one arm still around my waist squeezes lightly.
/Who/ I've got a feeling it's going to be Mister Malfoy for what I did in second year and setting Dobby free.
/Ding ding ding! You are correct! Malfoy, it is./ Vernon finally comes back to the here and now. He roars and charges, but Voldemort just slaps him when he comes into range.
"Pull yourself together, man. Now, you don't want your nephew, am I right?" Voldemort, or should I say Tom, says to Vernon and I'm distracted by Nagini climbing up my leg, hissing insults at Dumbledore for leaving me with these horrid muggles. I can't help but smile at that. Nagini informs me of my new status as a part of her two man brood: Voldemort and, now, me.
"Wonderful! Now sign here, initial here, here, here, here, here, here, here, sign here, here, initial here, sign here, and print your name here." I hear Tom ordering my uncle, but am distracted by Nagini asking me about things I like. Then Tom is cackling maniacally mentally after sending off Hedwig with some papers. Wait, what's going on?
/Tom, what did you do/ I have this funny feeling...
"Pleasure doing business with you, Mr.Dursley. Now if you'd just follow my assistant here, we can get to the really fun part." Tom is clutching me gleefully like a child with a new toy on Christmas. Lucius Malfoy is leading my uncle away.
/I just got him to sign your welfare over to me, my little charge./ I'm floored. I think I'd have fallen over if Tom hadn't been holding me up.
"Tom!" I squawk.
/Too much time with the birdbrains. Oh well, not for much longer./ He's giggling and hugging me, then he pulls me around in a little dance, Nagini grumbling from around my shoulders as she gets dizzy from the movement. I see Death Eaters taking away my relatives, then Tom slings me over his shoulder like a backpack on a soldier (or a sack of potatoes), informing me that I should pretend to be knocked out. I go limp as he shifts back to his scary snake visage, strolling around to the front yard just as Aurors and Order of the Phoenix members apparate in. He may look cool as a cucumber on the outside, but mentally he's cackling and bouncing around on his toes, ready for a fight. I mention this telepathically and all I get is more giggles and dizzying bouncing. Before now I'd have been more scared of a deranged murderer bouncing on his toes like he was on a pogo stick than if he just stood there looking like a really creepy statue, but instead I'm positive that if I were standing beside him as his equal I'd be doing the exact same thing.
"It's Voldemort!" Good boy, now let's try something harder: what is two plus two? Voldemort sneers at the crowd that just stands there, shaking in its boots.
"Tom!" Ah, Bumblebore has arrived.
/He's wearing shimmering purple robes tonight./ Tom projects the image for me to see since I'm slung over his shoulder and in no place to see anything but the ground and the back of Voldemort's robes. /Those make me think.../ Mentally he shudders, not wanting to think about it. In the background I can faintly make out Voldemort and Dumbledore bickering. They're both broken records when it comes to each other. No new material.
/Yech! Bad image./ I shudder, fighting down my gag reflex. The crowd must think Voldemort's doing something as the atmosphere becomes even more tense.
/Then you shouldn't have conjured it./ Note to self: never put yourself in a position where Voldemort can use a sing-song voice. Dark Lords can be so Evil. Voldemort starts laughing again, but it's that rich, dark laugh, not the high-pitched one.
/What happened/
/He told me not to hurt you. Now, why would I hurt you/ He's amused and angry.
"Don't hurt him? Now, why would you ask that? He's just my archenemy; why would I want to hurt the only person who could kill me?" He snorts mentally. /Honestly, what does he take me for? You are the only threat to me. Foolish Dumbles stuck you with abusive muggles; what did he think was going to happen? Our similarities are ridiculously many, only really different where Dumbles stepped in and altered things./ It's creepier seeing him go from super hyper bouncy to Mr. Freeze ready to take out the old man that set me up to get abused than just the super hyper bouncy. He's protective and that makes me feel strangely warm and tingly. Bumbles and the Flaming Ostriches, not to mention the Aurors, want to attack Voldemort now, but they can't risk me getting hit. Voldemort's having a blast taunting them.
Someone gets the bright idea to banish a portkey at me. Voldemort makes it blow up in the person's face. Another person set up anti-apparition wards when they arrived. Voldemort decides he's taunted them enough, flaunting the fact that he now has me, and rips through them as simply as if they were cob webs, leaving the stunned birdbrains and rainbows staring at the spot where the megalomaniac that they've been chasing after for at least two decades last was carrying their sole hope.
AN: And there you have it! The second chapter that took me just over a week to finally get written down. Yay! More Tom/Harry stories! 3
I'm just digging this hole deeper... AH! What's that tombstone doing there? T.T