.

Chapter Eighty-six

.

Reliving the Past

.

"Hmmm. What is that?" Nathan rose to pick-up a large golden envelope tucked behind the coat rack. He examined the address noting it only said Allie Parks Grant, with Parks crossed out. No address or return address. Nathan brought the envelope back to the chair and pulled out multiple pages, some of differing sizes, all torn along one edge. He wasn't certain of what it was even as he began to read, but after the first page, Nathan at least knew who the author was. "Elizabeth!"

Wondering if maybe she had left this for him to read, he continued. The first page included what could be a part of a daily diary, noting small things she observed as she watched her infant son grow. Then the words stood off the page…

'I met him today. Constable Nathan Grant. Tall, with mesmerizing blue eyes that were so kind and gentle. He is more handsome than any man I have ever met. Jack was attractive, but Nathan is striking and attention-getting, yet without any awareness of that fact!'

'Abigail told me that the townspeople had not been welcoming, so I gathered my courage to step into the NWMP office for the first time since Jack passed. Constable Grant was very polite and complimented Jack and his memory, then he handed me Jack's pension! I had forgotten all about it, but this will allow me to pay off the mortgage on Jack's land. Thank you, God.'

'So, I welcomed Nathan and, stepping out onto the street, I shared that the townspeople might be slow to warm up to him as they had been to me, but they would rally.'

Nathan scanned other entries until Allie's name caught his eye. "He has a niece, Allie! An adorable child who is a handful!' In Elizabeth's description of Allie skipping school, she had included a comment about her admiration for how well Nathan handled the situation and how impressed she was.

Another paragraph later, Elizabeth recounted the card trick Allie played and again mentioned her appreciation for how Nathan spoke with and disciplined his niece. She noted how he had looked at her, '…as though he could read my soul and his expression was so tender.' Her concluding comment made Nathan blush even as he read her confession. 'I could fall in love with a man who looks at me like that!'

'Today, Nathan and I met to discuss Allie and I learned some of that poor child's background. It is heartbreaking that she has suffered such loss, and is so young. It seems, Nathan and Allie only have each other! Another reason to admire him, and maybe help him and Allie as much as I can? Nathan almost ran the other way when I talked about children needing stability, but he didn't. I gave Allie some suggestions about making friends and Nathan seemed appreciative.'

A few paragraphs later, Elizabeth wrote about Allie's improvement and how she helped Opal with her math problem. 'I think Allie is gifted and smart. She just needs me to direct her studies to keep her from boredom…' Continuing down the page, Elizabeth commented. 'Allie is sweet and kind and has an appetite for learning and reading. I welcome the challenge of teaching such an engaging student! I love that child!"

Turning the page over, Nathan read on. 'How can I be falling for someone so soon after Jack died? I am ashamed to admit that I think of Jack less often, except for times when holding my sweet baby. Nathan brought me a beautiful plaque he carved with an Emerson quote. Emerson! He remembered I had mentioned him in one of our parent teacher meetings. Wow! I am impressed that he carved the plaque, that he did it for me and that he remembered Emerson. How thoughtful! But that wasn't all today. After baby Jack's Christening, Nathan offered to hold Jack and give me some respite. I can hardly believe it, but Jack immediately took to Nathan, giggling and laughing and cooing as Nathan held him and made funny faces! What a man! Obviously he has experience with babies, although I don't think he began to care for Allie until she was a little older. But… oh, so sweet, so thoughtful and kind and just touching. Nathan Grant has my attention! Maybe more?'

A few paragraphs later, Nathan read. 'Nathan! Oh, my heart! I am trying to find any reason, any excuse to talk to that wonderful man. Was I like this with Jack? I confess I don't remember. Fiona told me that some weeks ago she had commented that Nathan Grant was quite a 'dish' and I have to agree. I would add the word,' delicious!'

'I don't know the future, but if I could get Nathan to ask me on a date, I would be his. Wholeheartedly his. That quiet, calm, reserved and to be respected man has invaded my heart and last night invaded my dreams! Mmmm…'

'I helped Nathan and Allie find a Christmas tree and decorate it tonight. I swear, we almost kissed. He hung a cardinal ornament above my head and when I turned I was almost in his arms. A few more inches and…those beautiful lips would have touched mine. Oh, how I wish they had… Merry Christmas to me!'

Nathan's face was warm, not from the fire's glow, but from the words he had just read. He held the pages, but looked into the fading embers. 'If I am to get through all of this I need to add some logs, get another cup of tea and grab my sweater!''

Seated again beside a crackling fire, Nathan marveled at Elizabeth's confessions. 'So it wasn't just me… from early on Elizabeth cared for me!'

As Nathan read, he discovered a few pages out of order, yet this was a chronicling of his relationship with Elizabeth Thornton and her admissions to how her heart was drawn to and belonged to him. Upon recounting their argument in the cabin after the wind storm, Elizabeth wrote of Nathan's late night visit, admitting that in the same way Nathan admitted that she mattered to him, Nathan mattered to her as well.

Nathan scanned a lot as the pages began to include more of Lucas's attentions towards her and their discussions about her book. Nathan did see Elizabeth's regrets that she attended the Virginia Wolf speech, yet she was defensive to herself. 'I saw Nathan today and he hardly spoke. It was like he closed the door to me and I don't understand why. Shouldn't I be able to go where I want and with whom I want?'

Suddenly he saw a brief statement. He read the preceding sentences.

'Nathan asked me to have dinner with him! I should have said yes right away, but as is always his way, he allowed me to consider my response and tell him upon his return. But now…'

'Nathan was almost killed today!'

'I have such a mix of thankfulness and awareness that he could be taken from me in a moment, just like Jack. Nathan could go out on a perfectly innocuous mission and come back injured or… not come back at all. Jack's training mission was only to teach, so should not have been dangerous. But look what happened? How can I… How can I be with Nathan knowing this? I cannot lose him. I cannot live without him. How did this happen to me? I know irrevocably that I love Nathan Grant. But I cannot bear the thought that he might be taken from me. I love him too much… I…"

Nathan saw the blurred and blotted words. Elizabeth had been crying… He could make out the next sentence if he looked carefully. 'I hugged him. Right in the middle of Hope Valley. In front of everyone. Everyone saw me run to him and wrap my arms around him. I can't bear it…'

'But it felt so good. So right to be in his arms. I fit there and he rested his chin on my head. I can still feel it although it was hours ago now. I love him so… What do I… How can I… I can't…' In her distress, Elizabeth had begun many unfinished sentences.

Nathan felt his eyes fill and he stared into the fire once again, remembering. In an effort to gain control, Nathan shook his head and shifted his position. Leaning forward he rested his arms on his legs, holding the pages tightly as his hands fell between his knees. His shoulders hunched, Nathan sat quietly for some time, aware of the burning logs as they sizzled and fell, scattering embers across the stone which soon evaporated into nothing. He listened to the ticking clock but didn't look to learn the time. Nathan was in his own world, looking back with an aching heart.

Finally he stretched his back and sat straight again, returning to Elizabeth's writing. He noticed that there appeared to be a long gap where there were no entries. It surprised him because if she was working through her feelings after that epic hug, he expected she would have written about it. Instead the next entry was their first encounter upon his return from visiting his parents, when he had chatted with her on the front steps while she was watching Jack.

'Nathan is back and he was so sweet with Jack. Nathan always gets down to Jack's level and I love seeing that. He is as wonderful and as handsome as ever. I admit I really missed him, yet upon his return and his renewed request that we have our dinner, I could not answer him… Why is that? I could run into his arms, yet couldn't accept a simple dinner invitation? I don't understand myself.'

Nathan continued to scan the pages, not bothering to try to get them in order, just reading the places where he saw his or Allie's names. He forced himself to read Elizabeth's recounting of their conversations, her displeasure with his moving to Union City and her relief when it appeared he was staying. She wrote of the time he had declared his love and how afraid she was and ran.

She noted the encounters with him and Allie on the horse, in the Mercantile, his forgiving attitude when she borrowed Newton to follow Robert, and her excitement with her book deal. Lucas was frequently mentioned from that point on and Nathan hadn't the stomach to read any more. Again scanning the pages, Nathan saw that Jack had been sick, Lucas had insisted on a backyard date and how Elizabeth was struggling with accepting Lucas's attentions at the expense of her son.

Nathan skimmed over her writing about Fort Clay and Allie's adoption, even though his and Allie's names were frequently mentioned, it was too painful to read. And abruptly there was her final dismissal in the office. He saw it without reading it and stopped. Straightening the pages as best he could, Nathan quickly fit the stack back into the envelope. He tucked the envelope beneath a stack of his papers on the desk, banked the fire, turned off the lights and headed to bed. He hadn't the energy to change clothes, so slept fitfully on top of the bed with his quilt pulled around him.

Awakening in the wee hours of the morning and having only slept an hour or two, he questioned whether he had set his alarm clock then, task accomplished, rolled over to try to get back to sleep. Tears came unbidden and his pillow was still damp when he awakened groaning with the alarm two hours later.

Stumbling into the bathroom, Nathan looked into the mirror. His face was ashen, dark circles ringed his puffy eyes and all he wanted to do was collapse back into bed. But, wanting and doing were two different options for a man of discipline like Nathan Grant, so he splashed his face with chilly water, grabbed his towel and shampoo and headed to the kitchen sink. He didn't take the time to fully heat the water, so his cool water shampoo also served to shock him awake.

Afraid a warm fire would lull him back to sleep, Nathan decided to prepare his coffee strong, dress and make pancakes. Maybe that comfort food would keep him busy and comfort his aching heart? What Nathan should have done he didn't think of. He should have prayed and maybe searched for a verse to stabilize himself? A verse to hold onto? Instead he made every effort to keep from thinking about what he had read last night. The harder he tried though, the less successful he was, so he plastered a smile on his face when Allie entered the kitchen. Nathan's fleeting thought was how different this morning was than yesterday.

Immediately sensing her father's mood, Allie hugged him and stayed standing right in front of him, looking into his face, worry clearly etched on hers. "What's wrong, Dad?"

"Nothing." He hated to lie to his daughter, so added. "I just didn't sleep much last night and more than anything I want to crawl back into bed." He patted her shoulder. "Let's get this food on the table, eh?"

Ever watchful, Allie kept a running commentary about her anticipated tour of St. Anne's with Mrs. Thornton, washed the dishes without being asked and was waiting beside the front door when her father emerged from his bedroom. Assisting with his belt and strap, Allie gave him a loving hug and whispered, "I love you Dad and I am praying for you."

"Thanks, Honey." Was all Nathan could muster in the moment.

As Allie exited the vehicle at the Academy, Nathan encouraged her to enjoy the tour with Mrs. Thornton and remember he would pick them up at half-past four. He blew her a kiss which she grabbed mid-air, grinning then blowing a kiss to him.

A note from Wes greeted Nathan upon his arrival to his office. 'Joseph called. Call if you have time? You have been on his mind a lot yesterday and last night. He said, 'Praying and checking in on you, Brother.'

Nathan held the note as he gazed out the window. It had been a long night. He read until the early hours of the morning and had slept fitfully thereafter. Elizabeth's journal pages revealed so much, yet mixed with the joy of her loving him from their earliest meetings was a lot of history he had tried to forget. Glancing at the clock, Nathan decided to take his morning break early since Wes was teaching until eleven.

Nathan pulled out his manual, notes and typewriter, then leaned back in his chair after placing the call to Pastor Joseph in Hope Valley. "Good morning, Joseph? I got the message you called. How are you?"

"I am okay, Nathan, but I am so glad to hear your voice although you sound different?" Joseph paused. "It is not a common occurrence, but I couldn't get you off my mind last evening and even awakened twice in the night and this morning burdened for you. All I could do was fight the battle in prayer for you but I needed to call early and check. How are you? Is everything okay? What's going on? How is it for you with Elizabeth visiting?"

"Well, thank you for praying. I needed it and still do. I have been experiencing the peaks and the valleys since Sunday, Joseph, but last night was such a mix of joy and sorrow that I hardly slept."

"I don't want to invade your privacy, but is there anything you wish to share?"

"Joseph, I'm not sure what happened, but I found an envelope filled with pages torn from Elizabeth's journals. She had given me a letter to read on Sunday and Monday nights, but said she didn't have one for me last night. Then I found this. I guess she left it for me to read?"

"Nathan! Did you say pages from her journal? God be praised! They've been found!" Joseph's voice was joyful. "She was distraught about them in the Infirmary and we have been praying about them ever since. What a marvelous answer to prayer. Elizabeth must be so encouraged."

"Excuse me?" Nathan quizzed Joseph. "You know about these?"

"Oh yes. As I understand Elizabeth had placed them in Allie's file for safekeeping and unknowingly Lee sent the entire file to Allie's new school. Elizabeth was so concerned that they would be lost or fall into the wrong hands. She must be so relieved!"

Surprised, Nathan responded. "Relieved? I would think she would be embarrassed. I know I am…"

"Oh? I'm sorry, Nathan. I don't know the contents, just know of their existence. The entries are that revealing, huh?"

"You could say that. She confesses her love from our earliest meetings, yet mentions all our encounters thereafter. Well, until the last page is unfinished, but I assume it is her engagement. I thought her letters were difficult to read, but this? This was far worse."

"Oh, Nathan. I am so sorry." Joseph sent an arrow prayer to the Lord for wisdom. "Is there anything positive that you can take from these confessions?"

Thinking, Nathan stared at the silver sky. "Maybe that I was right? Elizabeth loved me from the beginning." Nathan swallowed hard. "But Joseph, how could she fall so far? And why have me read all this now? It is painful and I feel as though we have taken a step backward…"

"Ah ha…" As a thought occurred to him, Joseph spoke it. "I don't know why this thought just came to me, but maybe it will mean something to you, Nathan? A couple weeks ago, Elizabeth stopped sharing the details of your correspondence and of her feelings with us. I mean with Dr. Ben and me. She said she now needed to keep your relationship private and just between you two. I don't know if that holds any significance for you, but there you have it."

Silently Nathan repeated Joseph's words to himself. 'Private? She needs to keep our relationship private?'

"Nathan?"

Startled back to the telephone conversation, Nathan replied. "Uh, yes?"

Joseph asked a second time. "Is that knowledge significant?"

"Only that it confirms her confession from the night before last." Nathan's voice was low.

"Okay. Good. That's a start. Plus her confession of love from your earliest days. Talk to her, Nathan. You both need to communicate to figure out reasons and talk. Hold on to those two revelations and talk. Pray too." Joseph added, "Shall I pray for you now? Then I'll let you get back to work."

"Uh, sure."

"Dear Heavenly Father,
There is so much we don't understand. I am reminded of the Bible verse that one of the things the writer didn't understand was '...the way of a man with a maid.' (*30) Well, we understand his conundrum because we don't always understand women either! However we do know that you understand and have a purpose and a plan and that you work things together for good to those who love you."

"Lord? Please protect Nathan's heart and keep him open to Elizabeth's explanations. Help him find hope in her declarations in spite of subsequent actions. Help him find hope in her maturing and in her desire for relationship with him and for that to be sacred and between just the two of them."

"Guide them both in their conversations this week. I commit them into your loving care knowing that you love them far more than I or than they love each other. I praise your name that you are at work. In your Holy Name I pray.
Amen."

(*30) Proverbs 30:19, King James Version, Public Domain

. .