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Chapter Eighty-eight
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A Refining Fire
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Elizabeth was perplexed. What was happening? Where was the sweet Nathan from last night? Was he sick? She quickly freshened up, praying in her heart and her mind for Nathan.
While Allie went to see Mrs. Thatcher and Grampa Peter in the living room, Elizabeth joined Carol in the kitchen. "What can I do to help? Please put me to work?"
Hearing a catch in Elizabeth's voice, Carol examined her, reading the worry in her eyes. Reaching her hand to Elizabeth's shoulder, Carol inquired quietly. "What is it, dear girl? You look concerned about something."
"I am, Carol. It's Nathan. He is different and Allie was worried that he was sick. I don't know if it's that or there is a problem." Elizabeth's eyes filled with tears as she held Carol's gaze.
Carol wrapped her arms around Elizabeth and held her as she quietly wept. "It will be okay, dear girl. I know God is at work. Maybe this is a hiccough you need to talk through. I sense this has been an emotionally charged time for you both. Give Nathan some space at dinner and then maybe you can talk afterwards?"
"I hope so. He wouldn't even look at me just now, Carol."
"Let's not invent reasons. Let's trust God to work." She quickly released Elizabeth as they heard the back door open.
"Hello, Carol." Nathan called from the hallway as he hung his overcoat. Without another word, Nathan headed into the living room and greeted Mrs. Thatcher and Peter.
"Sorry, Grace, Allie. Don't let me interrupt." Nathan sat on the loveseat opposite Mrs. Thatcher and Allie immediately came to sit beside him and snuggle against him.
Dinner was delicious, although Grace, Carol, Peter and Allie held up the conversation. Grace shared about their ladies excursion from the morning while Allie shared about the tour with Mrs. Thornton. By the time dessert was served, everyone knew that Nathan and Elizabeth had a problem. She had shrunk into herself and looked afraid. Nathan had his Mountie face on all evening and showed little emotion. Although he showed some interest in the conversation, he contributed little. Neither Nathan nor Elizabeth looked at each other.
Everyone at the table, with Nathan the only exception, was silently praying.
The dishes cleared, Nathan headed into the kitchen to help with the washing up. Elizabeth followed him and spoke softly.
"Something is wrong, Nathan, and I don't know what it is. Is it me? Have I done something? We seemed fine when we parted last night."
Nathan glanced at her, but only shook his head as he rolled up his shirt-sleeves.
"Please don't shut me out, Nathan? Are you sick? Can we talk? Please?" Elizabeth begged. What she wanted to do was hug him, but after the way he dismissed her touch in the car, she was afraid to touch him.
"Not now, Elizabeth. Not tonight. Maybe we can talk tomorrow, but I just need sleep tonight. That's all." He placed his hand on her elbow to move her out of his way, then began to wash and rinse the dishes, setting them in the drainer.
Moving aside, Elizabeth silently prayed while she dried one dish after the other.
As they finished, Peter came to the doorway. "Nathan, may I see you a moment?"
Nathan, placed his hands on the edge of the sink, took a deep breath and responded. "Okay. Be right there." Shedding the apron, he began to roll down his sleeves as he followed Peter into the back bedroom.
Closing the door, Peter stood at ease although his voice was anything but. "Out with it, Nathan. You are obviously not yourself tonight. What has you so preoccupied? You are scaring all the ladies."
Sighing and looking up at the ceiling, Nathan spoke softly, but with an exasperated tone. "I am fine, Peter. I just need sleep."
"Sleep? Why is that? Didn't you sleep last night?"
"Hardly. I was up until the wee hours reading Elizabeth's journal and then I couldn't sleep. This is agonizing, Peter. Agonizing. I don't know how much more of it I can take."
"Whoa, Nathan. Sit down." Peter pointed to the armchair and took the other one himself. "How much more of what?"
"Having to keep going over all the past. I just want to stop thinking about it all. The past keeps popping up and I can't keep doing this." Nathan pinched the bridge of his nose.
"Has Elizabeth given you reason to keep revisiting the past? Has she said something hurtful?"
Nathan shook his head. "Her letters have reminded me of things she has said and done, for which she has asked forgiveness. But last night? She left me pages from her journals and I just cannot read through every scenario I have already lived through. I have forgiven and desire to move on. I don't need the reminders all the time."
"Have you told her that, Nathan?"
"No… I am too tired to try to explain it tonight."
"Nathan, I beg to differ. If this is bothering you this much, you might be unable to sleep tonight as well and now that Elizabeth is worried about you and knows something is wrong, she might not sleep either."
Peter paused. "You are not married, Nathan, but there may be a lesson here for both of you. '…Let not the sun go down upon your wrath.' (*31) That can be interpreted in different ways, but what applies here is that you need to clear the air. Tomorrow you can discuss the details, but tonight you need to clear up any estrangement between you. Nathan, you need to talk to Elizabeth. Tonight. You may use this room and Carol can go down to the Cottage with Allie, stay with her and get her to bed." Peter waited then asked. "Shall I call Elizabeth in?"
Fear crossed Nathan's face. This was new to him. He had heard many pastors preach on this in countless weddings he had attended, but it had never applied to him. Now it did and Peter was not going to let him off the hook.
"Please send Allie in first?" Resigned, Nathan ran his hands through his hair. "Then I'll talk to Elizabeth."
"Of course. Hold on." Peter headed to the door. "And Nathan, Son? I am praying."
"Dad?" Allie entered the room. "Grampa Pete said you want to speak to me?"
Nathan stood and opened his arms to his daughter. "Allie? I am sorry for my many silences today. It is nothing you have done and I am sorry to have worried you. I had a bad night but I shouldn't have behaved as badly today. Please forgive me?"
"Of course, Dad."
"Would you please go back to the Cottage with Gramma Carol? She'll stay while you work on your homework and then go to bed later? I need to talk to Mrs. Thornton here for a while."
"Okay, Dad. Just don't be mad at her? I know this is all new to you, but she is very worried, Dad. I don't know what's going on, but I love you. I love her too and I don't want you to be upset with each other anymore, okay?"
"I hear you, Allie. I'll say good night now. Don't you worry yourself. You had a special day, so count your blessings before you go to sleep, okay? Mrs. Thornton and I will work things out." Nathan squeezed her tightly. "I love you so much, Honey."
"Goodnight, Dad. Do you want her to come in here now?"
"Yes, Grampa Peter will send her in."
Nathan stood at the door and could hear Allie and Elizabeth whisper good night to each other in the hallway. As Elizabeth hesitantly came to the doorway, Nathan motioned for Elizabeth to enter and take a chair as he closed the door behind her.
Apprehensive, Elizabeth sat, gripped her hands together and watched Nathan take his seat.
"I don't know where to start, Elizabeth. I've read all your letters of confession and requests for forgiveness and I have done so. But leaving me those pages last night. It was too much… I just can't keep reliving all of our past. Why did y… What?"
"I don't' know what you are talking about, Nathan. I didn't leave anything for you to read last night."
"The envelope. The pages from your journals…"
Elizabeth gasped and tears filled her eyes. She stood and turned away, then back again. "Noooo…" was all she said as she began to sob. She collapsed into the chair, her head in her hands, weeping. "Oh, nooooo…"
Distressed by her reaction, Nathan moved to squat in front of her. He placed his hand on her shaking shoulder, waiting for her to calm. "Talk to me, Lisbeth. Explain, please?"
"You read that? You read all my journals?"
He released her shoulder and glanced down at the floor. "I confess, not all of them. It was a lot. I skipped over many parts, but I read until the wee hours, until I just couldn't read any more." Nathan raised his eyes to search hers. "Wasn't I supposed to?"
"No! No one was ever supposed to read that… And now, you've read it and I have hurt you all over again. Oh… Nathan…." A fresh wave of weeping ensued.
Nathan was bewildered, yet also relieved. Elizabeth had not intended to put him through that. She hadn't left her journal for him to read. Yet, how? Why? Nathan was confused, but considered the only thing he could do. He reached into his pocket and handed Elizabeth his handkerchief, then Nathan knelt and placed his arms around her shaking form. Just as he would do for Allie, Nathan drew this weeping woman to cry on his shoulder. And cry she did. His shirt was soon soaked through.
Eventually, muffled words began to emerge. "I tore those from my journals to keep them safe." Elizabeth sniffled. "To keep Lucas from reading them. I kept them in Allie's school file because I knew no one would ever see them there. When Lee sent Allie's records to the Academy, he sent the entire file, including that envelope. Miss Collins told me yesterday that she had sorted through the file and, after reading the journal pages to try to figure out why they were in the file, she kept those pages safe and hidden at home, hoping to return them to me someday." Elizabeth wiped her eyes. "She brought them yesterday when I was at the Cottage with Allie and in my haste to hide them I tucked them behind the coatrack. I forgot all about them when we walked Mother back to the house later." Elizabeth leaned back but held Nathan's gaze. "You were never meant to read those or relive all our difficult past. I am so sorry, Nathan. So sorry."
Nathan released his hold on her, but stayed kneeling before her, placing his hands on the arms of the chair. "I am so relieved to hear this, Lisbeth. It was so hard to read, to have to remember it all. When I talked to Joseph this morning, he asked if there was any positive I could take away and…"
Elizabeth held up her hand. "Joseph knows? Did you call him?"
"He left a message at work and I called him back. Evidently he had been burdened to pray for me throughout the night and he wanted to know what was going on. I only shared that I had read your journal. When I said that, he was actually elated and excited that the journal pages had been found and that it was an answer to prayer about which you had been so distraught."
Nathan continued. "I only told him about the pages, not the contents except to say how hard it was to relive it all. He asked if there was anything positive to take from it and I said," Nathan looked down, then back into her watery blue eyes again, "I said it proved to me that you had loved me from the start, Elizabeth. I was right that you felt the same as I did. You loved me too."
"Oh, Nathan. I did. I always did. I love you now too."
"I love you, Lisbeth. Then and now. I love you." Nathan took her hands in his and lifted them to his lips, whispering a feather-like kiss across her knuckles, his warm breath filling her with joy and a peace she had never known.
They held each other's gaze for long moments, before Elizabeth began to giggle. "Oh, Nathan what a messy life we have lived together thus far. Is there a way we can go forward with understanding now? Without fear and confusion and missteps? Is this to be our lot, or can this just be the beginning of a wonderful, proven, perfect love?"
Nathan chuckled. "Well, you know that tried in the fire means pure gold, and we have certainly been tried. I think we need to pray together that our future is refined and proven and is beautiful to behold." Nathan squeezed her hands then gently placed them in her lap and stood, stretching his legs. "Now, I really am tired and need sleep tonight, but now I know it will be peaceful. Thank the Lord."
"I took tomorrow off from work, Elizabeth, so after I bring Allie to school, we can spend the day together. Maybe talk? Maybe make some plans? Maybe bake those cookies that Allie wants to bring to the Home for the Aged and for the Caroling Saturday night? Tomorrow is choir practice, so I usually plan on an easy meal like an omelet for dinner, but maybe we can get some groceries and make something on top of the stove while we are baking? We can discuss it in the morning, okay?"
"Oh, Nathan! That sounds wonderful. An entire day together! Yes, to it all! Can we just pray for a moment now though? Will you pray for us?"
"Of course." Elizabeth stood and Nathan reached for both of her hands, holding them as he had done outside of the Yost's wedding reception. Closing his eyes, Nathan prayed.
"Dear Lord,
Here we stand. Finally together, joined in one prayer to you instead of cries from our hearts in far distant places. Thank you for Elizabeth. Thank you for leading her here to Regina. Thank you for guiding us through stormy seas and helping us to land safely together right now."
"Only you know the future you have planned for each of us, separately and together, but we place our future in your hands. We trust you. We recognize that pure gold is the result of being refined in the fire, so with that knowledge we can give thanks for the suffering and the difficulties we have endured. Now, we ask for peace? For wisdom? For love to grow? And tonight, we ask for peaceful, refreshing sleep. With thanks and praise, together we say,"
"Amen." Nathan and Elizabeth quietly affirmed their first private prayer together then, with another long and now tender gaze, they walked down the hallway hand-in-hand.
(*31) Ephesians 4:26b, King James Version, Public Domain
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