CHAPTER 16: Everything

"You know," Lily spoke up as the two of them were nearing Paul's studio, gig bags on their backs, hands linked; "if we could at least tell Jason, he used to pick me up in the car most of the time. It would be much more convenient for the both of us."

Rin laughed it off. She was in a good mood for once. "Don't push it, babe. I've barely convinced myself of this, and it took everything to come clean to my brother. It's gonna take longer to start telling the world."

"And yet we sort of are right now," her girlfriend noted and threw their joined hands in the air a bit.

"Well. If you put it like that, we should stop doing this, huh?"

Lily giggled. "It's too late for that. I'm not letting you go now that I've got you."

The twin scanned their close vicinity and noticed a semi-enclosed building corner, where the side wall receded for about three feet – or a meter – until a fence sprouted from it, continuing the parallel line that copied the road.

"Speaking of..." she said and dashed into this hiding spot, pulling Lily behind her. "Last chance before we're just co-workers again."

With what little brain capacity remained with Lily's tongue down her throat, Rin pondered how lucky she was. Over the course of the last two weeks, as the month of May rapidly reached its end and the band started recording the first batch of songs, the fact that the tall girl was openly returning her affection had been by far the highlight of those days. For the first time in her adult life, there was a balance between the amounts of love given and received, and the immense feeling of happiness was pouring out of her ever since she realised she didn't have to hold back.

Of course, there was also the matter of trying to keep a low profile. Nobody knew that the twin was growing into accepting her newfound identity other than Lily and Len – and even he wouldn't have known had it not been for Lily's persuasive texts moments before the confession.

Rin's brother had taken the news better than she would have expected. Although, there was a long moment of awkward silence caused by his inability to react properly.

"Wow," he'd whispered eventually. "How did... I mean, how long..."

She kept looking down, embarassed to discuss it with him but nevertheless knowing it was the right thing to do. "It's fresh. I haven't had a fucking clue until I met Lily. Honest."

"Oh. Okay." Len, being jittery, folded his arms, only to unfold them again as if he couldn't figure out how to get comfortable. "So, like... did you figure that out last night?"

"Oh, no. We just..." Rin's face turned red again. "Let's say, yesterday we found out we actually like each other. But I've had a crush on her from the moment I first saw her."

"Wow, that is rather sweet."

"Sweet? I've been losing my shit over her for weeks! I still don't know what to make of it."

"Well you just told me what you're making of it, so there's that."

Rin finally turned her head towards him. She was on the verge of crying, but she cried so many times over the previous 24 hours that there was nothing left. Maybe that was for the best right now. "Doesn't it bother you?"

Her brother returned her gaze. "I'm not gonna lie, this sounds huge. But, if anything, I'm proud of you for being honest with yourself. As long as you're happy, no, it doesn't bother me at all."

She breathed out. "Okay. I don't know what I was expecting, but it wasn't this."

"What do you mean? You're my sister and I love you. Whether you like girls, boys or aliens, for all I care, that's not changing anything."

Rin laughed and felt the monstrous relief dawning on her. She scooted closer to Len and rester her head on his shoulder; he immediately hugged her with his arm.

"Are you going to tell mom and dad?" he asked her.

"I'm not that far out yet. You and Lily are the only people who know, and I'd like to keep it that way for the time."

"Fair enough. I won't tell anyone, I promise."

And so it stayed for the rest of the month. Did Rin's dark thoughts and anxious nights disappear? Of course not. But she had better means to fight them now, and her strength was growing slowly. Her jovial, impish demeanor was coming back, and most of her nights were filled with tight embraces, gentle touches and love more caring and passionate than anything she'd known before. The entire concept of relationships finally started to make sense as the twin got what she was lowkey searching for the whole time. She could totally see now why Len and Meg were suddenly so inseparable once they had gotten together – she felt the exact same way about Lily and couldn't imagine going a single day without seeing her. Her girlfriend wasn't that prone to being so clingy, but she understood Rin's needs, for which the twin was grateful even if she did feel a bit guilty about them from time to time.

Back in the present day, Rin finally pulled back once she couldn't catch her breath anymore. She did squeeze Lily tightly and pressed her face into the tall girl's sternum. "I don't know what I'd do without you, babe."

Lily held her with her left arm and caressed her head with her right hand. "You don't have to remind me so often."

"Do you get tired of hearing it?"

"Not really, all I'm saying is that I'm not doubting you."

"I'm still willing to tell you again every day."

Rin received a kiss on the forehead. "You do that with your actions, sweetie. Especially so when those actions are mostly of the 'shagging' nature."

She giggled and one of her hands slithered down towards Lily's skinny behind. "Too bad we won't get to do that for the next few hours."

"Blimey, keep it in your pants for once, woman," Lily warned her warm-heartedly. The twin yelped as she felt her lover's own hand slap her on her left bun. The two of them let go of each other, smiled and kept walking, their hands joined once again.

"It wouldn't surprise me if the boys were suspicious of us," Lily said. "If we keep arriving at the studio together every time, they might think we're up to something."

Rin thought about it. "Let them wonder. I'm not ashamed to be seen with you. There's nothing wrong with two girl friends hanging out," she decided, audibly dividing the two words.

"Of course not. Just like it is nobody's business what these two friends do in private."

"I don't know. Sometimes I feel like I want to scream it into the world."

"Oh? What would you scream?"

The twin nearly got tricked into actually shouting, but stopped herself just in time. Instead, she casually said: "I wish everyone knew that you're the best lay on the planet just so they would envy me."

Lily laughed like a little girl. "Did you know that this is how Kurt Cobain broke up with his ex?"

"It is?"

"Indeed! He had a girlfriend when he met Courtney, and one day on live TV he said something along the lines of 'I want you to know that Courtney Love is the best lay in the world.' That's how he ditched his previous girlfriend and became official with Courtney."

Rin blinked rapidly. "Wow. Babe, I think Kurt Cobain was kind of a dick."

"Kind of, yes. But I don't think it was his fault, really. You know how depressed he's been his whole life, that often leads to terrible life decisions."

"Then I'm glad I haven't done anything all that terrible yet."

About a minute or so passed before they stepped into the studio once more. Everyone was there already: Paul and Jason were busy placing microphones around the drum kit in the recording room, divided from the studio room itself by a thick soundproof wall with a wide window; whereas Christopher was lounging on the sofa, trying not to get into the other guys' way. He greeted the girls with a big smile. "Evening, my ladies!"

"Hey," Rin returned his grin. There was an urgent matter to discuss, and she was hesitant to bring it up while Paul and Jason were in the other room. "How's it going?"

"Good, I think. If there's one thing I cannot understand, it's the wizardry that Paul practices with his microphones. He's got dozens of them, all different kinds, and he seems to be very particular about how to use them and when to use them."

"Don't worry, I don't see into that either."

"Neither do I," Lily spoke up while setting her bass bag down. "But at least Paul knows what he's doing, apparently."

"Yep." Christopher kept looking into the adjacent room through the window. "He went on about how the drums have got to have a very ethereal sound today, since we're recording Circle which in itself is a clusterfuck of reverb and atmosphere, in his words."

The twin frowned. "He's always so delicate with his wording. Guys," she shouted into the recording room. Both men turned their heads and waved hello. "Can you come here for a moment? I've got news."

"Oh, alright," Paul shouted back. The two of them then walked to the main room together. "The kit's all miked up, we've just got to do the sound check and we're good to go."

"Okay. Sit down, please," Rin beckoned them. "I have a proposition, and I need your opinion on this. All of yours."

Jason made himself comfortable on the sofa next to Christopher. "Sounds serious."

"Here's the thing." Rin stood next to Paul who had sat down in his chair; Lily walked towards the sofa and sat on one of the arm rests, half aware of what the twin was about to say because they had discussed it beforehand. "I realised I don't want to record song number five. I rushed it and I'm not happy with how it turned out at all."

There was a moment of silence as her bandmates took in that piece of information and contemplated what it meant for the recording sessions.

It was Jason who spoke up first. "To be frank... I've got to agree with you. To me, the song never felt quite complete. And the fact we don't even have a proper name for it doesn't help it."

"Are you sure you want to just give it up, though?" said Christopher, scratching his chin. "The main riff is neat, it'd be a shame to let it go."

Rin barely smiled. "I'm not saying we should scratch it completely. But for the purposes of the demo, I'd be happier if we removed it and gave ourselves more time to cultivate it."

Paul looked at her somewhat unhappily. "I don't think that would be too disturbing. It's legit to put a demo version of a song on an EP and then end up remaking it for the next proper release. That's why they call it a demo."

"I know, and I don't like that very much. If I'm releasing something into the world, I want it to be the best version that it can be."

"And you reckon a four-song demo would be enough?" Christopher asked.

The twin briefly looked at her girlfriend before lowering her head. "Well... not exactly. I have a new song."

"A new song?" Paul repeated. "Are you sure that's a good idea? We've got to have everything recorded by the end of this week!"

"I'm not forcing you to do this for me," Rin answered quickly, her gaze now shifting between everyone in the room. "But... It's something Lily and I came up with, actually. We talked about it and we both like this song more than Number Five. But if y'all don't feel like learning it in time to record it, that's fine. I know it's on a very short notice."

Between Paul nervously cracking his knuckles and Christopher silently calculating the odds of learning and recording a brand new song within a couple of days, Jason was the only one of the three guys who immediately seemed interested. "Well, can we hear it?"

"Obviously! I mean," Rin smiled at Lily who understood and reached out for her bass bag to unzip it; "it starts with a bass riff. That's another reason to like it, we don't really have a bass-forward song yet."

"It's going to be just a moment," the bass player remarked and took out her instrument. "Paul, may I...?"

The engineer, still skeptical, was already handing her a cable. In the meantime, the twin also opened her bag to pull out her red mustang. She was filled with excitement. Not only was this a song that came from a cooperation with Lily; unbeknownst to the guys, the song was inspired byLily as well. She wasn't lying: she didn't feel good about song number five, and so when the two girls came up with the new one, the replacement seemed like a natural, beneficial thing to do. All they had to do was convince everyone to participate.

"So..." she gurgled and had to clear her throat. "We've had several working titles for it, and for the moment we settled on... Was it 'The Meaning Of Everything', or just 'Everything'?" she turned towards Lily.

Her girlfriend spent a moment remembering. "I think 'Everything' was the best one."

"Okay. Here goes nothing. And by nothing, I mean Everything." Rin grinned as her joke got a few subtle chuckles around the room. And then Lily began to play a complicated, albeit repeating bass line that the twin subtly accompanied by a descending sequence of chords and, eventually, her own voice.

I don't know who the fuck I even am

and I don't know why am I even here,

but I've got you to help me find

the meaning of everything.

The scars were meant to clear your mind,

they are my everything.

Shake the stars and rearrange the constellations.

Maybe then, they could tell us why we're here.

But I've got you to help me find

the meaning of everything.

The scars were meant to clear your mind,

they are my everything.

I am a lost cause.

I don't want to be a lost cause.

(At this point, Rin started to play a simple solo, reminiscent of the singing melody in the chorus. She was terrified of this moment because she never even pretended to be capable of being a lead guitarist; that was usually Christopher's job. Maybe because she kept the melody straightforward, devoid of anything too technically advanced, she managed to get through it as intended.)

I can never tell what my purpose is in anything,

but I will keep, I'll keep trying to figure myself out

'cause I've got you to help me find

the meaning of everything.

The scars were meant to clear your mind,

they are my everything.

I am a lost cause.

I don't want to be a lost cause.

I am, I am a lost cause,

I am, I am a lost cause

but I don't want to die a lost cause.

The song ended sort of abruptly. The girls looked at each other with big smiles; although, Rin was suddenly worried about how the guys would initially react.

Once again, Jason was the person to break the ice. "Girls, that was fucking radical!"

"Oh, thanks! I'm sorry we couldn't hear it with drums as well, but, you know," Rin replied with relief. She then looked at the other two. "So... what do you think?"

Christopher made a subtle clapping gesture. "It certainly sticks together more than our current Number Five. And I like the lyrics, too. Kind of straightforward, but then there are some clever hidden meanings, I assume at least."

"I reckon this song means a lot to you, doesn't it?" Paul asked. He was the kind of guy who never smiled, but his eyes were looking at the twin intently with great interest.

"You could say that. But then again, I always write shit that's personal."

"Or, in this case, 'we'," Lily felt the need to add.

"Right, sorry. Though the lyrics are completely mine, Lil."

Rin received a wink in return. "Don't you worry. I recall the circumstances under which the first verse was born," her girlfriend assured her. Even though the boys couldn't have known what she was referring to, the twin seriously hoped the memories of their dialogue that fateful night – and what preceded it – wouldn't manifest themselves in her facial expression.

"Just so we're clear, then;" Christopher spoke up. "Your proposal is to take this song and rehearse it throughout the next... two times we see each other, including tonight?"

She put on her best encouraging face. "If you like it, and if you think it's doable. Do you think it's doable?"

"I guess we'll have to find out. I like this idea, if mostly because I like this song better than Number Five," said Jason. "How about we record Circle now as planned, and we can come back to this when we're done?"

"Even if you then decide it would've been too much work," Paul added; "you could save this song for later use and we could still stick to our original plan to record Number Five for the demo."

The twin looked at Lily as if to telepathically ask what she thought about it. "I think that's fair," she said out loud. "I'm glad you like it, though. Let's look at it in depth after we do Circle, then."

For the next three and a half hours, the band tracked the drums, then guitars and bass, and Rin's vocals at the end of it. The twin was doing her best to push down her impatience. She would have liked to start working on 'Everything' immediately, but she knew ticking Circle off the list was the priority of that session.

She was happy. Being with Lily showed her a way out of the darkness that's been suffocating her for the last few months – although her girlfriend often tried to warn her that she wasn't the ultimate solution. Eventually, Rin's problems would come back, and even though Lily would be happy to help guide her through them, resolving it was the twin's sole responsibility in the end. Obviously she would have liked the ideal romantic outcome where two lovers meet and they never need anything else ever again; but Rin respected her for being so strict about it. Her determination to push through and really try to be better this time was, along with Lily's willingness to assist her, what 'Everything' was really about.

And even then, her excitement was spoiled just a little bit. Rin was worried about her brother. From what he kept telling her for the last few days, just as her own relationship with Lily blossomed, Len's relationship with Gumi has apparently reached some obstacle that they were both failing to address properly. She could only hope the two kids would make peace soon enough; for how much crap she gave Meg when she felt threatened by her, the twin would actually hate them splitting. And over some minor miscommunication, nonetheless.