Thanks for coming back, guys! Wow…I got so many reviews from that last update, (really a considerable amount, thank you so much guys, I love you always!)…I think it's all going to go straight to my head one day…(sigh). But where would I be without you all?
Oh…sorry it took my like a month to update…you see, I would have done so very much sooner, but I made a stupid mistake which included me assuming that a book report was extra credit when really it was our quarterly average, which resulted in my having to read and take endless notes on a 200 page book in the span of a single weekend. Yes. A little miscommunication between me and my English teacher. Yeess…I blame my stupidityT.T That's the real culprit here, is it not? Sorry, guys. (But the book was pretty good, if that's any help…)
Also, I know I said this in the last chapter but almost everyone said they were still scared, so I want to put all your fears aside and say again: This is not going to be a SetoxYugi. It's still a SetoxJou. I promise you all one thousand times over!
Now, about this chapter…I think you'll find it interesting. Very difficult to keep Seto In Character through-out all this… Enjoy!
Warning: This story contains content that is not suitable for children. It contains sexual references, rape references, homosexuality, mentions of death and some gore. Reader discretion is advised.
Disclaimer: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh.
Chapter Six: Spiraling
In the throes of sleep I dreamt…it was the perfect night for a nightmare.
I'm in a bed. So cold…so cold…I can see my breath as I pant in and out, more violently with each one. My vision knifes through the frozen air for something of recognition.
I've been here before. But where am I? It's so dark…maroon walls, black ceiling. A portrait of a man hanging on one wall. I know this man…tall, robust, Japanese, with evil lurking just beneath those yellow eyes. Are they yellow? No…more like amber…this amber-eyed man in his fifties, black hair neatly cropped to his scalp on the sides and the top.
I've seen this man before…but who is he?
The door in front of my eyes. I can make out an outline of light all around it, framing it. There is light outside this room. But why can't I reach it?
A howl of nature manically enters the room through an open window, setting a new coat of goose-bumps and frost on my skin. The secret of the cold is explained to me. I should shut that window…why can't I?
I know why I'm here…why is it, again? I know, really I do. I just can't remember…if I only I could remember…oh, if I could just remember then I could get out of here…why? Why? Why am I here? Think…why are you here? I just want to remember.
I can't remember.
Tears form in the outlines of my eyes. I'm frightened. There is another type of cold in this room, the freeze gripping the inside of my chest cavity with strong, but dead, fingers. I'm so scared I'm dizzy. My panting begins to come out shaky. I can't breathe…and I can't remember.
A tear falls down my left cheek, leaving burn marks on frozen skin. If I could remember, if I could get up and close that window, if I could only…if only…
Another gust of wind. I gasp. It's so cold…why is it so cold?
I look down at myself and gasp again. I'm naked. And my wrists are chained to the…bed post. I look around frantically. This is a bedroom…and I lay here, on the bed. Trapped.
My tears stop. My fear takes a new turn, a different turn. It's no longer in my chest. It's everywhere.
I think I remember why I'm here…
Gozaburo said…he said…
Footsteps. Outside the door. I see a shadow stand in the way of the life-saving light encircling the door. A key jingles and then the doorknob turns. The man enters.
His face, (his whole front), is illuminated by the light behind him, which seeps in with him, a contradiction of normality. Light shadowing darkness?
He's a mystery to me. But I know him. I know him…he frightens me. I swallow air, and close my eyes. If only I could forget why I'm here.
His eyes glow in the darkness. Their color and shine the only blatant thing about him. I see them gaze at me, but not my face. His eyes stroll down my naked body, feasting on what he sees there as if I was his first, (or last, but I have a feeling I'm neither), meal. Suddenly I feel like a piece of meat sautéed on a dinner plate. Fresh, tender meat, served cold. I want to cry out, "Please! Don't eat me!" but I know I'm already dead to him. This man ready to consume in my flesh. How do I mean that? Even I don't know.
He slips off his robe; I suddenly realize he was wearing one in the first place. I try to plead with him, but instead squirm on the bed and barely manage to cough out a whimper, or a breathy sigh.
"Shh…" he says, like a father consoling his son. "Don't cry, Seto."
But how can I not? I know I'm not, but I am. Inside. Inside me I'm screaming as loud as I possibly can. I'm screaming louder than my lungs can handle. I'm choking on my own screams.
Pain…cold…pain…"Don't cry,"…pain…so cold…pain…"Don't cry, it'll all be over soon,"…pain! This is painful…and…
His eyes capture mine, freeze me. The eyes of a wolf, I see, golden and glowing, burning out my purity…he has teeth inside a wolf's snout and I can't, he's going to—
"IIE!"
I threw myself out of the bed and landed with a resounding thump on the floor of my bedroom.
Not yet registering the pain, I sit up violently and hurl my vision in every corner of the room before I'm satisfied that I'm not still in that place. No…this is my bedroom, not his. I'm safe.
It was only a dream…just a dream. Just a dream.
I sighed and closed my eyes, having to physically cast images of the nightmare out from under my eyelids. Go away, just leave me alone.
But in the process of casting them away, I realized that I had forgotten what my dream had been about in the five seconds it took me to wake up. What exactly had I dreamt? Was it of my childhood? Was it of Toshokama? Was it a premonition?
I remembered a wolf.
A wolf? Is that correct? I've never had any fear of wolves before. I've always considered wolves to be one of nature's finest creatures, sleek and beautiful, harbingers of a full-mooned night. But deadly. Oh yes deadly. One of the things I loved most about wolves.
It couldn't have been about wolves. I must be mistaken.
I told myself that it doesn't matter what the damn dream was about. Just move on, who cares? I'm not afraid of anything that comes in the night. I've been through worse.
"Relax, damn it…" I said through a hoarse voice and weak nerves. "Just get over it and move on." My eyes opened and I got off the floor, registering the pain in my back. "Never fall on a damaged rectum" were my thoughts.
I stripped off my sweat-soaked clothes and started to take a shower. The hot, inviting water offering a brief feeling of cleanliness for my ever-impure body. A moment of solace washed through me with the water droplets.
Not for long, though. Soon enough, the images—or really the experience—of the dream came back to me in the course of careless mistake. I was so preoccupied with comfort that I had evidently forgotten to shut the bathroom window. The feeling of the cold morning air against my skin got me going again.
Freezing…goose bumps…pain…
I closed the window with a slam as soon as these thoughts returned, as if trying to close the entry on my fears. The glass panel shook in its frame. Damn it. I was just lucky that it didn't fall off completely and shatter on my foot. Although, the pain might have been to my advantage…
The shower aided a little bit in that it was a reminder of the day ahead. There more important, stressing matters than a bad dream. It was Sunday. I had school homework to do that I had put off from yesterday because of Mokuba's movie, (not that it mattered anyway, but it was best not to draw attention to myself), Kaiba Corp. was in disarray, and, oh yes, my visit with Toshokama was just two nights away. How lovely.
With a sigh, I headed to my bedroom door, not ready for this, not thinking I would ever be ready to fix this life of—
Wait. My mind and my hand on the doorknob halted at once. There was something else…something that needed to be taken care of immediately…
Right. Yugi. How the hell could I have forgotten? (Probably repression.)
Sucking in a deep gust of air, I prepared myself for this new memory. A brief notion of a break crossed my mind…where were mine anymore?
What do you expect? You just agreed to harbor a grieving fourteen-year-old. Not to mention the fact that you're also the CEO of a failing company. Do you think that any one of your kind receives breaks? And since when have you started whining? Aren't you supposed to be infallible? Aren't you supposed to be Kaiba Gozaburo's son? Aren't you the one who wanted this company more than anything else? You were willing to kill your stepfather for—
Alright, alright. I won't ask for anymore breaks.
Some encouragement. Just what the doctor ordered, five minutes if incapacitating your weak emotions with internal reprimands. Helps.
I shook these thoughts out of my direct memory and left my bedroom. It was probably too early for either of my house's occupants to be up, (I checked my watch, it was only 6:37), but I still went in to see if Mokuba and Yugi were stirring.
Mokuba was still completely dead to the world, the back of his head revealing voluminous but entangled black hair as a sarcastic testimonial to the all those expecting consciousness from him. Even in my dark mood, I could never pass up at least a smirk for his innocence when sleeping. But I soon left to move on to Yugi's room which I knew to be more dramatic.
From outside his door I could hear him.
Inside, I found the boy still sleeping, but like he was fighting off a murder standing right next to him. He tossed from side to side, exclaiming random things at practically the top of his lungs.
"Get out! Iie! Leave him! Stop! You're hurting him! Grandpa! Why? What are you…stop! Iie, iie! It's not…you're…Grandpa!" Eventually, tears leaked from the cracks of his eyelids as he suffered.
I couldn't just leave him like that, so I went over and knelt beside him. I rested my hands on his shoulders, forcing him to be still, and began calling his name. "Yugi. Yugi. Yugi." Not shouting it, but not whispering it either.
His cries began to soften. The tears stopped flowing and he gradually opened his eyes.
Damn. That was not at all what I was trying to do. He wasn't supposed to wake-up.
"…Kaiba?" he asked. A question forming on his face. "What are you doing here?" He seemed genuinely confused.
I raised an eyebrow at him, leaving my hands where they were for the moment. "You're in my house, remember?"
He looked around. I saw his face fall and then his eyes close. "Right. I remember now." The skin around his eyes scrunched and he swallowed hard. I guessed there were more tears to come.
"Go back to sleep, Yugi," I prompted, swiftly wiping away the tears on his face and chin, (for a reason I couldn't explain other than just wanting them to stop plaguing his features).
But he refused. "Iie…I don't want to have anymore nightmares." That makes two of us, I thought. At least I could try to stop his nightmares…my own were a mystery even to me.
"You need rest." I was trying to be persuasive.
Still, he shook his head. I watched him open his eyes and move into a sitting position. Unconsciously, I folded my arms across my chest.
We sat in silence for a few moments. "Oh," he looked at me apologetically through the sogginess of grief. "I still have my shoes on. Gomen." He removed them and set them on the side of the room. Dear Yugi…he could still be that meek even in times of hardship. Or maybe he was trying to be polite or something of that nature…either way, I didn't want to think about the mud stains from those wretched shoes that were probably settling into my carpets downstairs. My maids would have a field day today.
I wished I knew what to say to Yugi. Obviously he had been left traumatized after seeing his grandfather brutally beaten to death by a gang of robbers, (not to mention the mutilated corpse left after the fact). How should I handle this? Send him to therapy? Iie, too soon. Tell him that his grandfather had gone to a better place, presumably heaven? I smirked at that one. My earlier contemplations on the matter had left me faithless in the idea of an afterlife. How could I preach about something I didn't even believe existed? That was laughable.
I remembered that I had questions from the previous night left unanswered. Today would be the better day to mention them. And what of Yugi's friends? They would have to be notified of this. Perhaps they could take him off my hands if they so pleased. A weird sense of relief came with this thought. I felt guilty about it, but it was probably for the best anyway if Yugi was with someone that could be less awkward around him.
I saved the questions in my mind for later. We definitely needed to have a discussion but I would not bombard the boy with accusations as soon as he awoke, (sumimasen, as soon as I awoke him).
"Would you like some breakfast?" I asked him.
He turned to me with blood-shot eyes and a worn out face. Damn me to hell for waking him up earlier than he should have.
"I'm not really that hungry. Dōmō." He added the thanks as if it were mandatory.
I pushed. "Something to drink, then?" Conversations were always better if you had something edible to talk over. Or at least…I assumed.
He shrugged, looking away. That was good enough for me. Maybe Yugi saw what I was up to, maybe he didn't. I couldn't tell by his expression. All I saw was pain.
"Come on, then." I stood up and guided him out of his room, into the kitchen. We didn't speak until the metallic glow of my silverware stared back at me and I realized I had no idea what he wanted.
"Coffee?" I asked. Maybe? This is what my colleagues usually desired during a meeting. That or water with a lemon wedge, (goddamn they could be picky sometimes), though this was probably not Yugi's first choice today.
His purple-red eyes stared back at me in surprise. "Not supposed to drink coffee…it stunts your growth."
Cursed urban legend. I shook my head, irritated. "Who told you that?"
"My grandpa."
I admit that was a stupid thing to ask. Self-hate flowed through me for a split second. Why don't you take that urban legend and shove it up your sore, penetrated ass, Seto? Could you be any more awkward?
After the second passed, I told myself to forget it. Just move on, (possibly to more mistakes, but at least one was learned).
"Juice, then?" I asked.
He nodded weakly. "Ok."
I moved to the refrigerator and took out a full container of orange juice. I stared at some left-over food from a few nights ago. Had I eaten that flounder? Why don't I remember it? Weird…I really don't remember even tasting it…
"Kaiba?"
I whipped around to Yugi. "Nani?"
He shrank a little but still said, "You okay?"
"Mochiron yo. Naze?" (Of course. Why?) I felt like I had just spaced out, but I didn't really have a recollection of what I had been thinking. What was it again?
"You…dazed for a couple of minutes there." The boy's eyebrows knitted together lightly to show some confusion, but these were only light emotions compared to what really bothered him.
"Did I? Gomen." Whatever. Lately I had begun to do this more and more. It was like my brain couldn't handle all the horror that was constantly poured into it day in and day out. Maybe if I just ignored it, it would go away…
The orange-yellow liquid slopped out of the cardboard container and splashed into the juice glass. I made sure that the glass was filled almost, but not quite, all the way to the top. This would bide more time for conversation if Yugi had more juice to sip.
"Here." After lightly setting down the glass in front of him, I moved across the table to sit opposite him.
I watched curiously as he drank. He didn't actually drink it, nor did he sip it, it was more like a small gulp and then he was done.
"Finish it," I told him. If this glass of orange juice was to be the only nutrition he was to receive this morning, then let it be at least whole. Besides, I needed to talk to him.
"I will…" he offered, eyes darting down to the side of the table.
I let a few minutes pass. Then, with a deep breath, I began. "Yugi…we need to discuss some things about last night." Great. Now it sounded like we slept together or something. Inwardly, I sighed.
His gaze shifted hesitantly to mine.
"I don't know why you came to me first before anyone else for help. Would you like to call someone else to stay with for a while?" It was interesting, the amount of guilt I felt while asking him this. I tried not to make my voice that cold, but then…why did Yugi look so heart-broken?
"You're…kicking me out, then?" He stared at his juice glass and I watched his knuckles turn white as he gripped it in an effort to fight the tears welling up behind his eyes.
Guilt turned to shock in a matter of seconds. "Of course not. That's not what I meant at all. I just thought that perhaps you have relatives or other friends to stay with legally. Or people you're more close to." That still sounded the same, damn it. Another hefty internal sigh. Being light with people was not part of the training that accompanied a CEO, now, was it?
Iie, Kaiba. That comes with being a human.
I shook away these thoughts. Anyway, Yugi was speaking.
"I don't have any other family…" A tear made its way out from behind those defenseless eyes. This wasn't good. By law, he was supposed to be sent straight to the orphanages. I couldn't let that happen…they were all such horrible places, I knew.
"Friends?" This was such an obvious question. I felt bad saying it, but it needed to be said.
He looked at me. Sadly, my rival told me, "I could never ask them to take care of me…they probably wouldn't, anyway."
This was…new. And however unlikely. "Why not?"
"We…well, Anzu is on vacation with her…family…in China for a month. I think she's visiting relatives…And, well, Honda and I haven't been all that close after…well, after he found out I was gay…and…Jou…I just wouldn't."
I couldn't help but pick up things in that speech. The way Yugi cringed at the word "family" when talking about that girl. The way he constantly paused between his phrases, as if some things were too hard to say or too complicated to explain. Alas, I knew that Mazaki girl had some Chinese blood in her; I could sense it even though she had a Japanese name, though that really isn't important, is it? And Yugi was gay. Why did that not surprise me? His friend Hiroto was a homophobe, not all that shocking, either. You had to guess that one of them would be the straight man out, and it was definitely going to be that kid with the obnoxiously pointy hair.
But what of Jonouchi? "Why wouldn't you?" I asked. My insides fluttered with anticipation. Perhaps this would explain why he just wanted to survive. Survive what? Maybe Yugi could possibly tell me…
Nervousness beamed at me through his face. "Well…he…he just has a bad home life, I guess."
"You guess?" He needed to be sure.
A nod. I decided not to push it. It would be too apparent; Yugi could sense that I was interested, the last thing I wanted. So I would have to be satisfied with just that much for now. Sufficient, but still…
"Alright. Do you at least want to call them and fill them in about what's going on?"
He took another gulp of an almost forgotten glass of orange juice. "I don't think they'd like me staying here, but…I should call them, you're right…"
I got up to get the portable phone. Maybe I was moving too fast, (was it really imperative that Yugi call his friends right this instant?), however I felt that everything involving this should be taken care of as soon as possible. I had work to do, after all.
By the time I got back I found Yugi with his head pressed against the table top and his palms with spread fingers next to it. I wasn't sure how to go about getting his attention, so I just tapped him once on the shoulder very lightly, and left my hand there.
One could say almost reluctantly, he sat up and took the phone from my hands. As he dialed, I left the room to give him some privacy. I also needed to find something for Yugi to wear, his clothes from yesterday were only his school uniform, (why he wore that thing at all hours of the day, is a mystery to me), and I was sure that that was certainly dirty.
I snuck back into Mokuba's room, he was still sleeping. I resisted the urge to smirk again. His were probably the only clothes I could think of that would fit Yugi, the boy was so incredibly puny. So I knelt down beside Mokuba's dresser and began rummaging through it in search of some nice clothes, things that it wouldn't be too much of an oddity to see Yugi in. Very difficult…Mokuba wore weird shirts, with bands and duel monsters on the front. Heh, I thought, maybe Yugi would like this one with the Dark Magician…I turned around to look at the back. A picture of a Blue Eyes White Dragon murdering the Dark Magician frightened me. I quickly returned it among the messy, childish piles of wrinkled clothes that Mokuba kept and closed the drawer. That was enough of that adventure.
Wasn't there something in here for Yugi? Anything at all? I checked his sweater drawer. An old navy, baggy sweatshirt with the English words "Yankees" and their baseball symbol printed on the front. Nothing on the back. I had forgotten where Mokuba bought/received this sweatshirt, but it didn't matter. This would definitely fit Yugi, maybe even be a little big for him. It was fine.
Pants were a bigger problem. Mokuba had a miniscule waist, something that was so small it was amazing. Yugi was the same way, (almost I guess), but he had shorter legs than my little brother. The pants might be a little big for him. Oh well. If Yugi wanted to stay in this house, he would deal.
So I picked out a pair of blue jeans and went back downstairs, with a final glance at Mokuba's lightly breathing form. I figured Yugi would be done with his phone calls, it had taken me quite a while to fish through the heaps of clothing Mokuba owned.
Of course, I was wrong, and by the time I reached Yugi he was still on the phone. I prepared myself to leave and give him back his privacy, but something caught my attention.
I couldn't comprehend what he was saying, he was speaking very low and…there was something else…
I moved closer, (behind the kitchen door, so he wouldn't notice my presence, already feeling like an eavesdropper and a spy), trying to understand his words despite myself. It didn't take me long to realize he was speaking a different language.
One of the fortunate things about living with my stepfather was that he had taught my many useful things despite all the brutality he dished at me with his cold, demanding hands, (and knives, and chains…). Overall, I had learned a total of seven languages during his teachings. One of them being the language that Yugi now spoke in his conversation.
The English was easy to detect. The way the sounds started and stopped, harsh and oddly placed, like a sentence in English was a rabbit hole, where individual words were held in hidden tunnels, squirreled away surreptitiously. I never liked English. Too western for me. I preferred the Asian languages, but that was just me.
As for Yugi, I couldn't tell if he was the aggressor or the defender in the conversation, but the person on the other end was definitely an enemy.
Yugi said, "I know, but…yes, well, I see that, but…I'm sorry! Just, why can't you…Hey!"
The other end reverberated with shouts, I could hear it from my vantage point, this person was surely the aggressor.
I heard a sniffle. Yugi was not ready for this kind of punishment, (but for what?), perhaps it was time for me to step in and tell this person to fuck off. Perhaps it was…
I waited, anyway. Yugi went on, "I'm sorry…you can't possibly expect me…why? No! Jou isn't…Don't, please don't, I—.."
And then just like that it was over.
My heart was beating rapidly. He had mentioned Jou's name. Did that mean that this bastard on the other line had something to do with the mutt? My hands were beginning to sweat at the very thought, that's how pathetic I was. Ashamed, I tried to stop this before realizing that Yugi was in the kitchen head on the table, crying. Sobbing, more like.
Of course he hadn't been ready. I should have stopped it before it was too late. Stupid.
I stepped inside quietly and put the clothes on the table, next to a glass of orange juice that had two sips taken out of it. Gently, I placed a hand on Yugi's back.
"What happened, Yugi?" I asked, after deciding that I should keep my tongue in Japanese so he wouldn't feel betrayed.
He shuddered. Where his hands were spread over his face, he looked up, eyes burning red. "He's so mean…"
Eye on alert. "Who is, Yugi?" I used my gentle, consoling voice.
"That…bastard!" Oh I didn't know that Yugi even used words like that. "He's terrible…"
"Who?" I was trying for this. It could be crucial in the Jonouchi Files.
Yugi looked up at me, fully. He even sat straight in his chair. The sobs lessened with one more sniffle.
"Never mind." That was what this boy told me. He was pushing me away from this topic. Really? I have to admit to being a little insulted, but more than that, frustrated. I didn't have to let Yugi leave in my house after all.
But then again…he had no where else to go…
Whatever. I frowned. Let Yugi keep his damn secrets I would find out my own way.
"Alright. I will." I took my hand off Yugi's back and shoved the clothes in his arms. "Now, I've stolen these clothes from Mokuba's drawer. You can go inside and put them on."
He held the clothes in his hands, looking at them repulsively as if I had just given him a dead, skinned animal or something. "I…like these better," he said, gesturing towards his current attire and setting the others back down on the table.
I picked them up and put them back in his arms. Supposedly, his fear was loosing something that still connected him with his grandfather, the clothes, I'm sure there was something else. But this notion had to be eliminated if he wanted to heal. "I won't allow you to stay in those clothes, they're filthy. You can keep them, I won't throw them out, but at least take them off."
"I don't care if they're dirty." But he still held onto them.
I nodded and looked down at him. "I know. Put these on."
One more small sniffle, (he was doing that a lot), and he left the kitchen solemnly. He didn't ask me where the bathroom was, so I assumed he was headed towards his room again.
Alone, I looked at the table where Yugi had sat. Full glass of orange juice not even touched. Warm impression on the table where his head was pressed. Some snot stains in the same place. A sweaty handprint.
I took the glass of orange juice and dumped its contents into the sink, oh well. Then I used a wet sponge to clean the table where Yugi sat.
All this Yugi business aside…I had work to do today, after all. What needed to b done? Well, there were the contracts from Gatoichi-san who needed them "No later than Sunday evening" the damn bastard. And then there was the reworking of the shares which could possible give me more of an income…oh god I didn't even want to check those records to see how far I had slipped since Saturday morning.
In thought, I traveled into the living room. Maybe I could tell Gatoichi to go screw his mother up her—
"Fucking hell!" I screamed.
Yugi looked up from his current state of near nakedness as he stood in the living room changing into Mokuba's clothes.
He just stared at me, jaw dropped.
I was gaping at the boy. Then I realized I was staring and I looked away, in completely the opposite direction.
"Yugi…what are you doing?"
"Uh…I don't know…wow…I didn't even think…"
I exhaled through my teeth. "Obviously not. When I instructed you to change I meant in your room. If you want—.."
"I didn't even think about it…I just went in here…it was…"
I heard a plunk as if the boy had suddenly sat down, I felt some pending tears. Reluctantly, I willed my eyes to turn back toward the boy. Indeed he was sitting on the floor, yellow/black/red hair bobbing with his tears.
A cringe. Why did I have to be so mean to him? Of course the boy wasn't thinking, he was in a state of shock, why would he be able to think? Why had I yelled? Damn me to hell.
I moved over to him, outstretched a hand openly and said softly, "It's alright. Just get up, ne?"
Yugi remained sitting but he grasped me around the waist and pressed the side of his face against me, like he had the previous night. He didn't say anything, but he did not need to, I knew what he felt.
His first breakdown. I had a feeling it would be one of many, not a good premonition.
Might as well get used to it, Kaiba. Steady yourself. You signed up for this and now you have to stick with it.
I patted his back helplessly. What did he expect me to do? I felt like I should be doing something…but what did I expect myself to do?
"It's alright. Just get back up, Yugi." I said this to him hoping that he knew what I meant.
After a moment or two, he pulled himself up with the words, "Hai. G-gomen…"
His eyes refused to meet mine; there was a tell-tale blush spreading through-out his face.
I shook my head. Silly things… "Why don't you continue to dress, Yugi? I'll be in the kitchen, ok?"
He nodded back at me.
Go back there, Kaiba. Get your damaged ass back in that kitchen and hide your face. Which is what I did.
It wasn't until later, much later, after Mokuba had gotten up and asked for an explanation on why Yugi was here, after that whole long, confusing conversation, and even after I had begun to work on my Kaiba Corp. material, (decidedly still at home, after a joint decision by Mokuba and myself), that I learned Yugi had invited his friends over today when he called them.
"Nani?" I asked, rage bordering my voice.
Yugi sat, eyes staring at me nervously, on my couch and said, "Honda and Otogi are coming over today, I think. Maybe Jou."
"Are they, now?" How dare he bring his measly friends over here for the day? I said he could call them, not invite them to stay here! Where did he get the authority from? I had called the morgue and set up the funeral dates in the earlier morning and everything. He had time to see his friends at the funeral didn't he? Of course he did!
Yugi nodded.
Before I could even retort this situation, Mokuba, (who was also on the couch, reading a book for his school assignment), piped up with, "I think that's a great idea!" He shot me a look that said, "Come on, he's in pain remember?"
I looked away. Of course I remember. But why did my remembering always imply something that I didn't want to do?
I agreed anyway. Yugi was at least owed this. Maybe his eyes would heal. They looked so broken…shattered, empty. Recalling the image of his grandfather from the previous night, those literally dead, rolled back, cold eyes held more life than Yugi's did now. Those purple eyes showed so much emotion…what was Yugi feeling internally that allowed those eyes to exist? Or not exist, as it was?
I know that boy Honda from everywhere, (every single contest I had hosted, he was just as annoying as they rest of them, sad to say—only he was the homophobe that had hurt Yugi the most I think), but the other one, Otogi, I knew him only as Ryuuji from math class. So it was a little strange witnessing him walk around my house, when I didn't even know the guy. He was a bastard anyway I wagered. The way he always had a smart ass answer for the teacher because he never did his homework. The way he expected all the girls, (and even some of the boys), to drool all over him. I did not find him appealing. Rather, I wanted to rip off his face that mask of pseudo-beauty and leave his bare bones open to the world. On my worst days anyway.
They arrived together, (I question this still), at about 4:07 in the afternoon. I heard the doorbell ring and immediately I knew. We never got visitors. This had to be those two.
There was nothing that I wanted more than to lock my door and send them away from my house. Goddamn it, this was my home, why did they need to penetrate my sanctuaries? Why?
From my vantage point at the front door, I closed my eyes and took a deep breath. I so did not need this today. I needed to work…I needed to prepare myself for Toshokama's…I needed to have conferences with the few people willing to save my company…I needed to live. I did not need the two people waiting outside my door. I did not need Yugi. I did not need Jonouchi—"maybe"—plaguing my thoughts with his, "I just want to survive" crap. Why was everyone suddenly against me? Why did the world have to crash around my ears just when I was at the top of my game, just when I was the best in the world, and then the first share dropped and then a second and then a third and now I was a prostitute housing an orphaned, traumatized boy, waiting for my arms to gather the will to open the door and invite them to please come ruin my day…
DIIIng-DOOng
They rang the bell again.
"Seto what are you waiting for? Let them in!" Mokuba flew down from the upper flight of stairs and ran past me to open the door. He had taken quite well to the whole situation, I found, (considering that he had liked Yugi's grandfather and needed to get over the death as well as Yugi and that he had to accept the fact that my rival would be staying in the house for an undefined period of time). I was grateful for this, but a little wary of it as well. How long would it last?
When the door opened, revealing the numb faces of the pair I had dreaded, the first thing I noticed was there expressions. They looked, in a word, stunned to be standing in front of me at this moment.
The pointy haired boy had a face that looked gray and ghost-like. Worn out. Washed out. Like someone that had been woken up too soon from sleep. Rude awakening, probably, to actually know someone that had died. I'm sure he considered Sugoroku as part of his family, as well. Hurts, doesn't it? Wait for a few more minutes, pointy-haired boy. You haven't seen Yugi.
The other, Ryuuji, looked like himself, he was probably hiding any feelings that would give away his true thoughts. I could say I admired him for this, but I won't, because it did not change my dislike for him. He was still branded as a smart ass, whether he contained some of my qualities or not. The one difference about him was his mouth. It was almost always perked up slightly into some kind of smirk, some kind of feathery laugh. Now, his lips made a single straight line. Thin and motionless. Like gravity had finally kicked in on those hated lips.
"Konnichiwa," Mokuba said, hopefully trying to breathe some life in them. "You guys can come in."
Just ignore my presence entirely Mokuba. Why am I even standing here? It is obvious I have no control over the transactions in my own home, my little brother just yanked the opportunity directly out of my hands. Why am I even living here? It's too damn expensive for the sad income I'm getting right now anyway…
"Dōmō, Mokuba…" Ryuuji said, Honda following him wordlessly. "So…where is he?" There was no needed explanation of who "he" was. Who else, after all?
"Um…he's upstairs I think. Right, Seto?"
Alas. My presence is noticed. And their eyes are on me. I shrugged. "I believe so."
Mokuba turned back to them affirming my statement, but they kept their eyes on me. Every word silently spoken. "Why Kaiba? What the hell are you up to?" I stared back at them, offering fake ignorance to their questions. If they were here to question me, let them leave. I had no time for this, anyway.
My little brother tramped up the stairs again. The two of them followed, soundlessly, and I brought up the rear. I wasn't sure if I was going to stay with Yugi, he might want me there, I wasn't sure. So I had decided to enter with them and then see what happened from there.
I felt the loss of time physically pull at my chest. I needed to get out of here…
As expected, Yugi was sitting on the couch where I'd left him, (the television turned off, why would he want images to delude his mind from the current grief? I don't know. He asked for it off, so there it was). When the four of us entered, he turned in our direction.
I could literally feel the two guests flinch upon seeing Yugi's face. His lifeless eyes, his unwilling posture. Just the general aura about him frightened them. My hopes that they might possibly be able to help him almost evaporated with this.
"H-hey, Yug'…" Honda said, his voice cracking a little, and the first word stuttering just a tad. I think I was the only one who noticed that.
"Hey, guys. Thanks for coming." Yugi said the words appreciatively, like he really meant it. I thought that was strange, seeing as how they had already betrayed him by being squeamish. But maybe I'm too cynical.
Mokuba broke some of the ice by going and sitting down next to Yugi, which lead the way for the two to take their places on opposite sides of him. I remained standing, my arms folded across my chest, waiting for instruction from Yugi.
"I'm sorry about what happened…" Ryuuji started. I couldn't have figured that out alone.
"Yeah…" Yugi said. He must have expected this to happen. Of course he did.
"We both are, Yug'…" Honda repeated Ryuuji.
"Yeah…" Yugi said.
Wow. Interesting conversation to ruin my day with. I tried my best not to outwardly show any signs of impatience. But they really were not the best at this consolation business. Hell, neither was I, but I wasn't this bad.
"I tried to get in touch with Anzu but I think my cell died," Ryuuji threw out.
"Oh." Yugi added this meaningless grunt.
"That sucks, Otogi," Honda said.
He nodded.
I was about to kill myself over this dryer than a desert conversation. In fact, I'm not even going to compliment it by calling it a conversation. It was more like a sentence completion exercise. Like the type they gave us in Language Enhancement class. How many sentences can you make with the word "unequivocally"? How many sentences can you make to avoid the subject of death?
Silence. No one had given me permission to leave…maybe I could walk out on my own? Iie, that would be cruel…but…yet…
Suddenly, after about six minutes of silence, Yugi blurted, "I'm scared, you guys."
"Me too," Ryuuji agreed.
"Yeah…" The pointy-haired kid…were those tears in his eyes? Well, straight boys always fell apart first. Experience has taught me.
Mokuba stared at the floor. I wondered what my little brother was feeling. We hadn't had a chance to talk over the fight we had had the other day, even though I said we would over the phone. Was he thinking that I was a liar? Did he want to get his old brother back? What exactly did he want, what with Yugi newly arrived in this house? I wish I knew. I wanted to talk to him about his feelings, perhaps console him…if I just had the time. After all, he knew my big secret. That I was failing.
"We'll get through it, though," said the arrogant, ebony-haired bisexual. And who would help him get through it? You? Or I?
Yugi leaned into him like he did with me earlier in the morning. He didn't cry, though. I guess there comes a point where your tears run out.
Honda turned to me. "So I guess you're the one that he wanted to stay with?"
"Ask him," I said. I wasn't going to tell him the truth.
"Yugi?"
The hurt boy just said, "I want to stay with Kaiba for a while."
"Why?" Honda asked. Well, I guess the same question was bouncing through my own mind.
"I just do. He helped me, you guys. A lot." I did. And it looked like my work was not done.
I saw anger flash through Honda. "How did he possibly help you? He'd sooner kill you!" Too tired to take offense at that.
Yugi turned on him. "He was with me when the medics took Grandpa's body away, Honda-kun. He…saw…the…body…" Finally, here came the tears.
"Alright, let's change the subject, you can stay with Kaiba if you want to, Yugi, ok?" Dōmō, Ryuuji. Maybe I'll leave you with your nose if I ever do eventually rip your face off. Maybe, now…
Then the most random, feared thing happened.
DIIIng-DOOng
My head whipped around in the direction of the door.
Jonouchi?
"Who the hell is that?" the pointy-haired kid questioned me.
"Probably Jou," Mokuba guessed.
I ran down the stairs and to the door. Upon opening it immediately I saw that yellow hair and that perpetual semi-lost expression, along with those sparkly golden-brown eyes, (they really did look golden in that light), and the raggedy outfit, always missing a few buttons, always with some stains on it from something that looked…greasy and fat-ridden.
Definitely Jonouchi.
"Kaiba?" He asked. I thought I heard something in his voice that sounded different from that old American accent…like…emotion? Something…out of place? I could not fit the pieces together in my mind. What did this mean?
I was not ready for this boy. I had to fight the urge to suddenly slam the door in his face. But how rude of me. And what to explain to Yugi? Emotions got in the way? Iie.
"Jonouchi," I replied. Trying to remain indifferent, like the entire meeting in the Oak Hole had never happened. Oh, why pretend? We both knew…
"I'm here…for Yugi, ya know." He had to specify. That hurt me somehow.
His face looked so tired. He reached behind himself to rub the back of his neck and his eyes darted to the side of my house to avoid mine. When was the last time he slept?
Then I saw something.
When his arm reached up, his sleeve fell down a little on his wrist. I saw the marks. Blackening swellings in thick, long patterns, almost as if—
"Do ya know where he is? He is stayin' here, right?"
His voice ripped me back to reality. "Hai…he is staying here. I'll…show you to him."
I turned around and went back to where they were sitting, (well Mokuba was now standing, but that was beside the point), knowing the Jou was following me.
I shook my head. Jonouchi was not going to become Jou in my mind. Not happening.
Upon seeing Jou—damn it, Jonouchi!—arrive, everyone seemed brighter. HE just had that effect on them.
"Jou!" Yugi cried and ran up to hug him.
"Nice of you to drop by, Jonouchi-kun," Ryuuji had the smirk back again. Damn his way of defying gravity.
Honda looked down right beside himself with glee. "You're here, Jou!"
Never forgetting the littlest member of the gathering, he even turned to Mokuba who responded with, "Hey, Katsuya."
He allowed that? He allowed my little brother to call him by his first name? I thought he hated that? Questions formed in my mind.
"How did you know to come, Jou?" Yugi asked, lifting his face from the boy's stomach. Had he even called him? That shocked me.
"I told the kid," Honda boasted. "I ran into him on my way over here and told him everything."
"Yep, I just had to stop by my place for a sec, but I tried not to be too long. I knew you'd all miss me." Was it that? Or is it because you hate going home? You can't even call where you live a home, can you, Jou? It's just your "place"? I contemplated this.
"I did," Yugi said, and pressed himself against the boy.
It was so strange. Jou looked so carefree when he was with them. His smile was on and dazzling, nice teeth, lots of confidence for them all. Where they had all flinched at the scariness of Yugi's eyes, Jou only smiled. A warm smile. Something I could never give him…
But when I was with him, there was so much sadness floating about him. Pain, even. Dare I say pain? I think there was. Pretender? Was that it? Jou was a mere actor and nothing else?
Who cares? Yugi is actually smiling at that joke he just made. A small smile, brief. But it was there. And he made a joke at all, out of all of this mess in the first place. I give him much credit just for doing that.
Very soon, the entire mood was just a mark under jovial. I couldn't stand it. There was never any of this happiness in my house. Never with Gozaburo, nor with me. How is it that Jou, being in the room for less than five minutes, breaks the shadow of despair that has lingered here for more than forty years (as long as my stepfather had it)?
I had to leave. Go anywhere else. Just get away from this laughter. I did not do very well when parties came to life. I liked them when they were dead—or just not there at all.
So I left and went into the next room over, which happened to be a small office. This was not usually where I worked, it was too small. I had my own study down the hall. This was a room I didn't use anymore. A place where I kept old company records, Duel Monsters handbooks that were out of date, old photo albums. There were so many books in this room, there was practically no room to sit down. It even smelled like a book, dusty and old, as it was, though.
At least it was quiet. I could recollect in this room. For some reason I was shaking. Why? That didn't make any sense…when I tried to draw up a reason in my mind, the only thing that came up was Jou's face.
Jonouchi's face. Not Jou's.
I held onto my hands to get them to stop. I walked around between the piles of books, I shook them out to get the circulation back into them. Eventually, the shaking became less noticeable.
Footsteps. What the hell was that? Had someone…noticed I was gone?
Suddenly the door opened, with only a small knock preceding it, sealing my doom.
I should have known it would be Jou. Why not? I needed more torture.
His face was normal, just a little questioning of me, curious. "Kaiba? What are ya doin' in here?"
I tried to make myself look indifferent. "I could be asking you the same question, Jou. Nouchi." I had to add that last part. I had forgotten it again.
"I…noticed you were gone so I just…" He didn't need to finish. His face said it all. Not so confident now, not so happy now. He entered the room, even without my asking and looked around. "Got 'nuff books, ya think?"
"Hai, I do." My heart was racing. Was it because of the other night? The conversation we had? Or was it the way the light shone just right into the office making Jou look purely golden, even his skin, along with his hair and eyes that glittered much the same way a precious jewel would. My stomach weakened. I felt myself become all too aware of his beauty.
Concentrate, Seto. He's still here, remember?
"What are these all for, anyway?" He grabbed one randomly and looked at the title, before I could even think about stopping him. His mood had changed into something more alive, like he had been in the room next to this one. "Psycho…Analy…tical…Assum…ptions…of…da…Corporate Mind?" He looked at me after struggling through that. Eye shone even more brightly with amusement. "Really?" he asked. Bored, he flipped it back into the pile.
After that initiation he looked away. Serious again. "Yugi's pretty beaten up, you know?"
I nodded solemnly. "I know."
"He might…not come back, you know?" It hurt him so much to say this.
"I know."
Suddenly he sighed and looked at me with eyes full of question, painful misunderstanding. "Why are ya' doin' this, Kaiba?"
I licked my lips, they were so dry they hurt. I had to tell him the truth…I just had to. "I don't know." It was said so softly.
We found ourselves caught in this room together, feeling the same emotion.
The pain of Yugi's hardship as well as our own unspoken feelings was bouncing between us. I could feel it if I closed my eyes. It would stop hurting for a moment. Then it would come back. Stop for a moment then return to me. We shifted the weight between us.
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
It felt so soothing…
Back and forth.
Back and forth.
I felt myself giving in. Before I even knew what was happening, I felt Jou's entire front pressed clear against mine. I gasped at the sensation. My eyes were still closed, so I opened them to look at him.
He looked just like Jou only so much more lovely, desirable…
I liked this. A lot. I liked his body flush on top of mine, his face mere centimeters away. This was…extravagant.
His lips met mine slowly, unexpectedly and it felt so natural. Nothing of the wrongness of…
Suddenly I felt the wrongness of it. This was Jonouchi. Jonouchi Katsuya. And for a moment there, I even thought of Toshokama. Hadn't he done this same thing with me our first time?
I couldn't.
"Iie," I whimpered and pushed him away from me.
The moment was broken. We were back in the musty old office room full of meaningless books. We were back in my house. We were back in the world where Yugi's grandfather was dead and Yugi left broken. We were back in the real world.
And we were both embarrassed.
"Whoa…that's…never happened before, really," Jou assured me.
I ran a hand through my hair. I tried to swallow but I had nothing in my mouth. I felt strange. Not scared or unclean, not relieved or better. Just different than I had before. I could sense that Jou felt the same way.
And that was enough to make him leave.
"I uh…I gotta go, ok? Yeah. I think I'm gonna go."
I nodded wordlessly. Nothing to say after that.
He left the room just after his decision. He didn't pause to apologize, (god I was glad he didn't), he didn't even wait for me to, he was just gone.
Like a coward I remained in the office for a long time. Hours that I didn't count. I sat in the middle of the floor thinking about things I couldn't explain. My feelings with Jou had just transcended anything platonic, but why? I felt so…strange. Too many emotions. Way too many for one day.
When I finally came out of my hovel, everyone had left.
It was dark in the house. I checked my watch. 9:46. I barely even cared that I had been in there for over five hours. What did it matter, after all?
Mokuba found me walking into my office. I needed to work. Too much time had been lost already.
"Seto? Where have you been?" His little face was so tired. Everyone was tired. I wasn't tired. I was awake, too estranged to be tired.
"I was in my old office, Mokuba. Thinking." I looked at him. For some reason he flinched when our gazes met.
"What were…you thinking about, Seto?" he asked, his voice cautious.
I thought. When I turned back to him all I had was, "I don't know." I really didn't.
Mokuba looked almost scared of me. "Well, Yugi's in bed…"
"You're tired, too, Mokuba. Sleep. Ok?" Why couldn't the words come out right?
He nodded, confused, but compliant. One more second of standing at the door to my study, and then Mokuba disappeared into the darkened hallways where the lights were not on.
"Oyasumi nasai," I said to no one.
I entered my study and opened my laptop. $23. That was it. 23 goddamn dollars. I couldn't even buy a CD.
I worked on into the night, loosing myself in the monotony of the task, forgetting to check the clock
To this day, I honestly do not know how long I worked. I do not even remember what I did. It seemed like years I sat there working, but they only passed in one second. I ate nothing, I didn't sleep, I did not stop for anything I can remember.
And by the time I looked up, it was Tuesday.
A/N: You guys have no idea how this chapter troubled me. Wow. Horrors. I've never had writer's block like I have with this one. I was actually even considering abandoning it forever, (the word delete popped into my mind more than once). I just lost the story for a little bit there.
But I have found it again and by the next chapter it will get better, I promise. There is more SetoxJou coming up, lots more, and if you thought that what happened between our two lovers in this chapter was random, just wait. It leads up to something extravagant. By the way, if you didn't understand what Seto was talking about when he said they were "shifting the weight", it's too metaphorical to explain…just consider that they were caught in a unique moment of raw sensuality, ok? Cool. Wow…it feels so good to have ended this chapter finally. It was really bothering me leaving it unfinished. I really thought I was never going to find it again...I just hope I don't loose it. (Hope with me, please! Lol)
To MercilessTantalus, I feel horrible telling you this, but Fanfiction actually blocks out e-mails in reviews. So if you want to give me your address, send me an e-mail, (it's in my bio page), and then I'll have yours, or send an anonymous review and list it, ok? I'm so sorry that your last review was deleted! Please forgive for you having to do all this, it's crazy I know, I'm sorry!
And to "AriEmeraldStar", I began reading your story, give me a break with it, I will attempt to read it, but no promises because I've been so busy of late. I'm just trying to keep up with all the stories I'm writing. I apologize! Please don't hate me, I'm trying my best.
Until next time, pray to whatever gods (if there are any gods) that I do not loose this story again! I hate when that happens, and I really want to end this the proper way! Thanks you guys, and review if you have the time!