If you're reading this, it means that you have gotten past the sad state of the last chapter and had enough will to bring your eyes to my story page, again. This time for Chapter 7. I award you a golden medal. For patience, for bravery, for just plain empathy and understanding. I love you guys so much! You are all too kind to me, even after the last chapter wasn't so great. I still have over 100 reviews, that is just amazing.
(bows at the feet of Fanfiction supervisors) Ok, I know that everyone else has seen it, but let me just rant about it: The update on our site! You guys can definitely be sure that I'll be using these awesome features a lot in the future. It will make it so much easier to communicate with all of you, and it still keeps everyone's privacy! I shall worship this feature for a long time coming. I've already built a shrine to it in my room—where is yours?
As another note, some people were asking me this and it's a really good question, what happened to the Yamis? Well, I've decided not to put them in here because of the story's content. I just didn't want to add any weird magical stuff in here, and I could not find a place for Yami in all of this, (and the others aren't even in this story, oddly enough), so there shall be none of that in here. Sorry if you were waiting for a debut appearance! I'm sorry, you guys. I just had to keep it according to my ability! (And Seto doesn't even believe in the Yamis so I didn't want to add anything that would challenge him even further…I didn't want to kill it all.)
So…here's the 7th chapter…like I promised, I think it will start to get going here, get into the real SetoxJou elements of the story, a central theme of it. I hope you enjoy it!
Warning: This story contains homosexualiy, and mentions of rape, violence, death, and other areas of discretion. This is a big one, you guys, but if you haven't noticed it by now…why are you still reading?
Disclaimer: I don't own YGO, not now not ever. And I also do not own "Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden, but I absolutely LOVE this song! I would never steal from thine holy Soundgarden, either. Never ever. To prove my sincerity: (stabs self with disclaimer)
Chapter Seven: Down
The rug was rough beneath my naked front.
"Stop struggling," he whispered into my ear, his voice choppy with the exertion of physical activity. "This is a gift, you know."
I just kept my eyes closed and conjured an image of something else in my mind's eye. It was too much to be here, right now. But I did not even care, really. Let him rape me. Let him hurt me. Let him tell me that I was not good enough for his sex. Let him do all this. As long as he kept me alive through this strange chain we had. This chain of rescuing through submission and impurity to save my life, at the cost of myself.
I couldn't think. I just kept my eyes squeezed shut, numbed my nerves and tried to bar my ears. If I could silence all my sense at once, that's what I would have done. To be nowhere until it's over. Until he's finished with me, this time. That was my wish.
"I said stop that struggling. And move a little bit, for God's sake. Pretend you're enjoying this blessing I'm giving you."
I pretended I didn't hear him.
"Move!" He yelled that time, directly in my unbarred ears.
My eyes opened of their own accord. Do you think he would refuse to pay me if I d not move, now? Of course he would…he would have no reason to give me money…and then all of this would be for naught. All for nothing. Maybe if I did this for him now, he would finally give me back all the money he owed me…maybe…surely that was all I needed to keep my company afloat. Just that little bit of money. And then my nightmare would be over, finally.
"Oh, Toshokama…" I began. "You're amazing…" I didn't even care. Let him do all this. Until it's over, until it's over. Yet, I still felt the venom injected deep down in the core of my being. I felt sick. Very sick. I couldn't even move I was so sick.
I felt his enjoyment at my easy compliance. I do not believe I've ever been this willing before. There has to have been some kind of change in me…was there?
Lately, I felt so…strangely devoid. Like I wasn't even living anymore. I was just walking, laying, talking, standing, working, yelling, running…but none of it was living. No living. Nothing was alive anymore. Not in me, not in my house where Yugi trudged around the house with red eyes and wet palms, and Mokuba shrank away from me whenever I entered the room, afraid to be near his scary older brother. His changed older brother.
Floating in a deep hole…spiraling in a place of nothingness…even as he finished, got off of me.
"That was the least to be expected of you," he says. "This is supposed to be love, isn't it?"
Gomen, Toshokama, but it's not love if you force the other person to lie beneath you and then give them money for it afterwards. That's called prostitution. That's what we're doing. I am your whore. Haven't you realized this by now?
I found my clothes. They were the same ones I had been wearing for a few days now, since Sunday I think. I had worked for so long that day…so long. I hadn't even bothered to go to school. Who cared about it anymore? It couldn't help me and I found life to be of more importance. I remembered stopping in the morning, Tuesday, as it was, at 5:00 a.m. It was a good time to stop.
Tuesday, (that same day as I lied in Toshokama's office), was the wake for Yugi's grandfather. I remembered that. The perfume incense of the funeral parlor was still attached to my clothes, the scent had seeped directly into the fabric, it would never come out. A permanent reminder of what had happened. Yugi's second breakdown, refusing to leave the side of the coffin, (closed casket, for all that was sacred in life, if there was anything anymore), and shouting things that didn't make sense. "It should have been me!" or "Why didn't anyone stop them?" while he looked accusingly at all the faces present. That had hurt every single person there. I found not a single tearless eye in the entire room, (except for mine).
With shaking hands, I threw the shirt on my bare back and buttoned it sloppily. The wake. Jou wasn't there. Was he hurt? Was he at home? Was he…where was he?
Then a smirk came over my lips. Of course he didn't come to the wake, Seto. You probably scared the hell out of him when you forced him into that kiss on Sunday.
By this point I had distinctly convinced myself that I had forced Jou into it. Why would he ever want to kiss a whore—or better yet, because he did not know of my second private profession, why would he kiss his worst enemy? The single man that attempted destruction of his being upon every meeting. Me. Why would he kiss me unless I had forced him into it? And in all honesty, I didn't really remember much of that experience anyway. It was all slightly foggy for some weird reason. I guess because it had happened so fast.
All I remembered perfectly were Jou's lips, how soft they were, pressed against mine in a slight, slow touch. The way our bodies were pressed together so justly, and how I found it so hard breathe when we were that close. And his soft tongue, nipping at my mouth's entrance…
Without warning I felt a sharp, bruising sting on my back and the rough carpet stuck in my mouth.
"What the hell are you doing, Kaiba-san? Get up and let me give you your money. That is why you're here, isn't it?"
My head was spinning. He had pushed me down on the floor after I had gotten lost inside a day dream. Every part of me felt bruised, especially where he slapped my back. But it was just punishment, I have to say. I shouldn't have been thinking about Jou and his delicious…well…body. I should be trying my best to loose the memory of that day, what we had done. It would never happen again, I would make sure of that. I would not become the very thing that I hated the most, nor did I deserve the privilege of being with someone like Jou. He should have someone better than me. He deserved more than a sick, dead whore.
Toshokama breathed heavily over me. I stood up tentatively and finished dressing. As always when the night was over, my old business partner sat behind his desk smoking a cigar.
"The money?" I asked, briefcase open before him.
Some smoke puffed out of his mouth and he reached under his desk, pulling out what looked like a brown, cracked leather suitcase. I felt curiosity, mixed with a little bit of wariness and a dash of sour intuition, peak out from under a hiding place inside myself.
He spread the suitcase open before me, its leather making a low crackling sound in feeble protest. What met my eyes made my throat squeeze shut on itself, ceasing to allow me breath. All at once, my knees found it unbearable to hold me up any longer. They collapsed and hit his desk with heavy force, sending deep-rooted pain up every nerve in my body. Luckily, my hands caught me before I fell to the floor.
Toshokama chuckled behind his cigar. "It is a lot isn't it?"
The suitcase contained rows and rows of fresh, brand new cash, lying before me like they had been waiting there for me. I could smell them, they were so new. And there was just so much of it…fives wrapped around tens wrapped around twenties wrapped around fifties wrapped around hundreds…
"This would certainly be enough to save your company wouldn't it, Kaiba-san?"
My knees came back to me, although the bones creaked harshly. I stood up straight. "What do you want from me?" I asked. Never let your weakness show. Not even after you have been torn below self degradation.
More smoke billowed out of him, in such a way that it looked like he was smoking from every pore in his face. This had become a normal sight for me. "Well, it does depend on the matter of what you'd be willing to do, now doesn't it, Kaiba-san?"
"Does it?" I asked, raising my eyebrows. He knew what I meant.
A smile appeared on his fat face. He nodded approvingly. "I guess not. However. This does come at a price, regardless of all that, and I believe that was your original question, right?"
"Get to the point, Toshokama." I was becoming impatient.
His smile faded quickly. "Next month. I believe it is the first Friday of November. I will be having some colleagues invited here, to my house. To discuss business, of course. But you see…I lack a means of entertainment for them all." He ended there.
I closed my eyes, swallowed by a wave of disappointment. "That's where I am needed."
"I should say it is, Kaiba-san. Oh, believe me, they'd all be very interested in having you attend. As a matter of fact, I've already confirmed your presence."
My eyelids shot open. "You WHAT?"
"Alright, let's try again. I said you would be coming, Kaiba."
"I thought we were under the agreement that this was strictly between you and me." It was all I could do to keep my voice and jolting emotions under control.
A hearty laugh escaped him. It seemed as though every single part of his body was contorted in the laughter. I waited for about four agonizing minutes for him to stop. "Oh…Kaiba-san. I had heard it said you had no humor in you. But see? You have once again defied everyone's expectations of you! That was excellent, Kaiba, truly."
My face was a blank slate without a trace of amusement. "I was being serious."
Toshokama reached under his desk again and pulled out an American whisky bottle. He took a hefty swig of it and then said, "Oh, were you? Well, then I would have to disagree with you. Nowhere did we agree that this—arrangement, shall we say?—was only an interaction between the two of us. You'd do well not to assume anything like that in the future."
He was right, unfortunately. I had assumed this. But of course he hadn't agreed to anything like that. Hadn't that man who shared Jou's name called me and already said that nothing of the sort had taken place? I wouldn't be surprised if that Jonouchi Yoshiho himself showed up to this gala that Toshokama was planning.
Make no assumptions, Seto. Just try and get through this.
Alright. "So if I accept this invitation, you will give me all the cash in that suitcase?"
A faint smile came back on his features for a moment. "To the last one dollar bill, Kaiba-san."
Hai. So this left me with a decision to make. That was a lot of money, it really could help the company, that I was sure of. But…would I submit myself to doing what was required of me? A night full of men exactly like Toshokama? Doing exactly what he did to me? Could I do that?
"If I refuse this invitation…will you arrange for another night between just the two of us?"
He smirked. "You can forget about that."
Well. I guess that made my decision for me. If I didn't go now everything would be over, for good.
An eerie thought probed my mind. Isn't that what I want? For this entire nightmare to finally end? Freedom? Isn't that what I'd been hoping for deep down in my core ever since the beginning?
It was.
Iie! I thought. This could not happen. Of course I wanted this all to end, but it never could. Not if I wanted to keep my company. And I had already decided that I wanted that more than dignity. It was too late to be questioning myself and my values. I headed into this whole situation in the first place not to quit but to get the money I needed. That was all this was about. I had gotten confused along the way. My emotions had become an obstacle. I couldn't let that happen again.
An image of my stepfather entered my mind. "Kill your emotions, my son. Only then can you hope to succeed. Anything else will only result in failure."
You know this.
I did. From within me, I drew a deep breath and said, "Alright, Toshokama. I accept your invitation."
A look of demented glee rippled through his face. He clapped his hands together one time, whisky bottle half empty on the desk and cigar balancing dangerously between two of his fingers. "Splendid! I look forward to seeing you there, Seto. I think I'll call you Seto from now on. It seems like the appropriate time."
Hate surged within me. It was a surprising hatred, actually. Previously, for the past few days, I had been under the impression that I could not feel an emotion that strong. Unfortunately, it left as quickly as it came, and I was left just annoyed.
I stood there.
"You may go now, Seto. Our meeting is over, I believe."
"What about tonight's payment?" I asked, an aged type of shock creeping over me.
"I'm afraid there won't be any. You see, I've put all my money into this suitcase. There was hardly any left for tonight."
Not surprising. What did he hope to gain by doing this to me? Yet…I couldn't help but feel like I had sold myself out for nothing…that whole show I had put on…
"See you the first Friday of the month."
With renewed force, I ripped my suitcase off his desk and stormed out of his office, wishing to be rid of this place for a few weeks. That was a positive aspect to the invitation, I suppose.
I seethed all the way down to the second floor of Toshokama's house. It is safe to say that I was sure where I was going; I knew the way from having been here so many times before. Then I ran into something. At first I thought it was something like a foot stool. But when I stepped back I realized that it was moving. Running, to be precise.
The thing ran behind a wall my left side. I whipped my head around to stare at it. But it was hidden. The only thing that told me it was still standing there was a small, white hand peaking out from the wall, gripping it tightly.
A child?
"Come out," I said, knowing full well that it could hear me.
Slowly, shakily, (surely this child was afraid of me, I had been wearing a look that could kill when I ran into it), a small head peered at me from behind the wall. Round, dust gray eyes looked at me, frightened. There was a small patch of hair on the head, it was long, though, falling down past the shoulders. I could guess by the femininity in the mouth and nose, too, (as pale and delicate as a flower bud), that is was a girl. Also, by the hair and the face I could tell that this was clearly a product of Toshokama.
"Are you Toshokama's child?" I asked, wary about asking daughter or son.
The small head nodded. I blinked heavily and said, "I see. It's alright, I won't hurt you. You can come out."
The rest of the child left the safety of the wall, showing a gaunt, bony, fragile body clothed in a tight white nightgown, revealing a young girl's body of almost eight, I guessed by the barely developing figure. "Are you alright?" I had practically run her over when we collided.
She nodded quickly, as if afraid to see my reaction.
"What's your name, little one?" I asked. Don't ask me why I was so interested in her. I definitely shouldn't have been. I should have had enough of that mother-role between taking care of the depressed Yugi and my little brother. Mokuba…I figured it out. This girl had Mokuba's eyes. The very same expression.
Her face fell to the ground uncomfortably. "Mi…Miyuki…"
"Miyuki?" I repeated.
She nodded.
"Where is your mother, Miyuki?"
Her eyes, so reminiscent of Mokuba, met mine again. Her skinny shoulders formed a small shrug. "Okāsan…" she added, contemplatively.
After her shoulders fell back down, a lock of her charcoal black hair fell across the side of her face. She left it there, still looking pensive about her missing mother. I hated when Mokuba's hair did this. Unconsciously, I reached out a hand and gently wiped the hair away from her small, pale face.
She visibly flinched, but didn't dart away from me like I thought she would. With her hair drawn away from her, Miyuki looked a lot skinnier. Her neck was pencil-thin. And there were…small, reddish purple marks, like smudges, on the side of it.
I sighed and let her hair drop behind her back. With the edge of my knuckles I brushed the marks on her neck, such a small caress, hoping against reality that my touch would magically heal them and they would disappear. It's not like they had a right to be there in the first place.
The girl's muscles tightened up in permanent recoil against my touch. Her eyes were squeezed tight, wrinkling her striking facial features.
"He did this to you, didn't he? Your father?"
Her eyes opened a crack and she gave me a small nod. I saw some tears well up behind those dirty gray eyes. They didn't look like Mokuba's anymore.
I removed my hand from her neck. Her muscles loosened and her eyes opened fully. I looked down at her and this little girl looked back up at me, expectantly, with eyes that streamed tears down her entire face without any sign that she wanted to stop them. Her expression was so obvious. She wanted me to do something. One more thing.
"Gomen nasai," I told this helpless little girl. "I can't do that." Believe me. I wanted to. I would if I could. But I had too much else…Yugi, Mokuba, a failing company, Jou, and not to mention an unalterable deal with this girl's father that blocked me from helping her.
She looked down at the floor and began sniffling hopelessly. Where had my heart gone? I felt the pain she was inflicting on me with these solemn tears, but I had not the heart with which to reach out and help her, like I had done with Yugi. Where was my heart?
I turned away from Miyuki, the back of my usual black trench coat put a punctuation on the subject. Ending it.
Still, "Wait!" she called after me just as I had begun to walk reluctantly out of the house I had been so desperate to leave a moment before.
My steps halted. I couldn't turn back and look at her, though. Then it would start again and I would never leave her. This girl that resembled my brother so fiercely. Please don't let her beg me.
"What is…your name?" Her sentence was filled with pauses because of her racking tears.
"Seto," I responded. She did not need to know the Kaiba added on to the front of that name. It's not like she would have known who I was or anything. She had no way of knowing that. I just couldn't bring myself to tell her the whole thing. I don't know why.
I remained where I was for a few more minutes. She had nothing else to say. I allowed my feet to begin walking again and I left Toshokama's house. For a few weeks.
I think I slept on the flight home. I must have, I remember nothing of it. This was happening to me a lot where I would just forget whole occurrences in my life without any recollection of what I did. Maybe this flight was one of these times. I'm not sure.
Nakamura was waiting for me at the end of the parking lot like he always was. It was so late it was early, 4:12 a.m. My loyal driver had fallen asleep in the front seat of my limousine waiting for me. Damn. Now I had to shoulder the guilt of waking this poor man.
I tapped ever so lightly on the window next to him. He didn't move. Damn it all to hell. With my set of keys, I unlocked the car and opened the door, releasing cold air onto the warm, asleep man in the front seat. Despite all previous notions, Nakamura still did not stir. So, I was forced to shake him by grabbing his shoulder. "Nakamura…" I prompted lightly.
It took a few times, but eventually he did wake up with a start. "Oh, gomen nasai, Kaiba-sama, I must have fallen…gomen nasai, I—.."
I silenced his protests with a hand. "It's alright, Nakamura. You're tired, I understand. You shouldn't be expected to work in hours like this. Get in the passenger seat. I'll drive tonight."
"Oh, iie, Kaiba-sama, I couldn't possibly—.."
I shook my head. "I insist." It was the least I could do for my poor driver. He had done nothing to deserve the treatment I put him through. So, he moved over into the passenger side like I instructed and we made our way to my mansion. It was a silent drive. There was nothing that needed to be said.
We sat in my driveway for a few minutes upon arrival. Nakamura appeared to waiting for something. "What is it?" I asked.
"Well, Kaiba-san, it's just that…well, my wife has been insisting for a long while that I discuss with you this month's pay, because the month is coming to a close in a few weeks"—Yes, it is, isn't it?—"and this is the usual time I would be paid…"
I closed my weary eyes. Another person to disappoint with my failure. "I don't think I'll be able to make it this month." Second month in a row.
Without any hesitation Nakamura said, "I understand, sir. I'll see you tomorrow."
I agreed and unlocked the door so he could get out quickly. I was afraid that my voice would fail me if he stayed any longer. Nakamura's kindness was too much for my heartless mind and body. But he took the hint. Since the limousine was always kept at my house, but Nakamura had to drive to and from my mansion to his own home, I parked the limousine and watched as he drove away in a small, economic car. He deserved a better car than that piece of shit. Without thanks of course to my pathetic inability to pay him anything.
The house was quiet and dark when I entered, trying to empty my thoughts. It was getting a little cold in here, was it not? I thought about this, rubbing my hands together for warmth as I traversed the stairs, it really was cold in here…why was…
Oh.
When I reached the top of my stairs I realized why. The lights were on in the living room and Yugi was sitting on the couch looking lifeless. Every single window in the room was open, letting all the cold night air in. I stood there, witness to all this strangeness, and Yugi continued to stare at the floor, seemingly unaware of my presence at all.
My vision graced each and every window, willing them to close and stopper this flow of coldness, but also to give a clue as to why Yugi was doing this. It took me a while to work up the courage and make a noise.
"Yugi…" I began.
He looked up at me. "Where have you been, Kaiba?" he asked.
His eyes were almost too much to bear. I had to keep my own focused on his, though. Then he would know that I wasn't afraid of him. If…he even…thought that…well, it was a logical decision regardless.
"I told you, I had a meeting to attend in Nagasaki. Remember?"
He looked away. "I forgot."
More silence. I had to do this. One deep inhale and, "Why are the windows open, Yugi?"
"It was so hot in here…" he said. It really wasn't of course.
"Perhaps it was, Yugi. But I feel that if you leave these windows open on a cold night like this you might get sick." That was his plan, wasn't it? To be sick? I'm told that when you get very physically ill it makes you feel closer to death so that when you get better you can look at your life more clearly. Maybe Yugi had no want to recover from illness. Maybe he just wanted to feel nearer to death.
"You think so?"
"It's entirely possible, Yugi. You probably want that, though, don't you?"
He nodded and looked down.
"I thought as much. That's not the way to get through this, however. I'm going to close the windows now." The look of sadness on his face was heart-wrenching. I was reminded of Miyuki.
After each and every window was closed, I showed up next to Yugi's quivering side. "Yugi, wanting to die is not something I allow in this house. No matter how miserable life is, you must never seek to destroy yourself. To give up is to accept ultimate failure. And if I know you, failure is not your style. The next time you try something like this, when I stop you I'm going to have you committed to the asylum." The last part of that sent Yugi into damn shivers.
"Don't try it again." My final word said, I grabbed Yugi's hands so they would stop shaking.
His breath was shaky but still the boy managed, "You wouldn't. I'm not crazy."
I shrugged. "I would." It's true, Yugi wasn't crazy. But he wasn't exactly sane either. Although, on levels of sanity, I found myself ranking lower than Yugi anyway. Maybe I should have myself committed sometime. As strange as it was, the idea of being zonked on lithium 24/7 had a strange appeal to it…never have to feel again…But that would never happen. There was no way I would let it. I banished the thoughts.
Yugi broke into tears. Once he stopped shaking, I left the room. I wagered that it was alright to leave Yugi alone; I think I scared him enough so he wouldn't try something that stupid again.
Believe me, suicide had become a regular notion in my mind many times in my life. Gozaburo's wrath proved painful—in every way. And my company was, essentially, my life. Why would I have a reason to live if I didn't have a company? Dying would prove a very useful solution to many of my problems, current and past.
No matter what, though, I refused to accept a failure. I would sooner resign myself to the streets begging for cash, like that man I had run into after my first night with Toshokama, than do that. It was not the way I had been taught. So, still, I lived on. If I could survive what I had been through, Yugi could survive as well. He could attempt it, but I would never let him do it. (And, in all fairness, I probably wouldn't commit him either. He was my burden alone.)
A deep exhale. Alright, I should probably go check on Mokuba. He was in his bed, face down, safe and sound when I got to his room. A closer look told me, however, that he was not sleeping. I dared try something with my brother that hadn't worked for years.
"Mokuba," I whispered from my spot next to his bed. "What's wrong? Why can't you sleep?"
He shrugged from his position lying down. The covers rustled with his movement.
"You should. It's very early, you'll have to get up for school in a few hours."
"I'm not going to school."
This was new, (sort of). "Naze?"
"I'm just not."
"Mokuba…I am not going to let you do that. I think you know that already."
My little brother sighed and turned around onto his back. His eyes flashed mine for a brief second and I felt the physical pain inflicted on me by that solemn, abused little girl at Toshokama's. I wasn't worthy to take care of my brother. Think of it, a man who abandons helpless girls and then claims to take care of his little brother?
"The funeral is tomorrow…" Mokuba said, randomly.
"Today," I corrected him absent-mindedly, thinking of the many marks on that girl.
"Right…" he said, glancing at the digital clock next to his bed.
"What does it matter, Mokuba?" I asked.
His gaze fired at me accusingly. "You saw how he reacted today! Or…yesterday…er, whatever! How can you say that it doesn't matter?"
I held up my hands in a gesture to calm him down. "Relax, Mokuba. Whatever happens will happen. There's nothing I can do to prevent his sadness, Otōto."
Mokuba shrunk back down into his bed. "I guess not."
Let me try this same old ploy to get my brother to see things rationally, the exact opposite of what appealed to him every time I said it. "Mokuba…I know that this has to affect you somehow. And I apologize that it does, I truly do."
His little eyes fixated on me again, waiting, and then becoming impatient. "But?"
I stared at him. "But nothing. There is no excuse. You have to carry on with life the way it is for now. Things will get better soon." It was funny to hear myself spit out these old, tired words that I didn't even believe myself. I did this constantly. How could I expect anything better for my brother or the depressed boy currently crying in the living room because his one option of solace—suicide—had just been taken away from him?
Mokuba seemed unsatisfied with this answer. He burst into tears. "What's been going on with you, Seto? You've been acting so weird lately!"
I opened my mouth to speak an answer, but he stopped me. "I know, I know, the company is going down, you told me. Seto…just go away!"
My body froze. I was stunned. Mokuba had never openly dismissed me like that. Yet, after a second, I thawed. Of course Mokuba wanted to be rid of me. I was a failure as an older brother. Why should I burden his sight any longer? With slow force, I lifted myself up and left the room without another word.
Just as I got to the door I heard something that sounded like, "Seto—.." but I was already gone.
Konnichiwa, office. How are you? We haven't spoken since yesterday morning? Are you feeling alright? Separation anxiety?
I paused right before I was about to sit down on my chair. "Stop talking to inanimate objects, Seto. Get a hold of yourself." Especially your office chair.
My laptop displayed the figures. $14. In all. Suddenly I had a strange desire to laugh. Don't laugh, Seto, don't laugh. But the corners of my mouth were twitching and my abdomen burned with hysterics. Don't laugh…don't laugh…
I gave up and let myself explode into laughter. Really, I laughed so hard my face was red and my eyes were wet with tears.
What the hell could possibly be funny?
This…
What about "this"?
This whole thing is insane…
And that's funny?
Hai…
You're sick! You're insane! You were going to have Yugi committed? And yet you're sitting here laughing hysterically because your company truly has burned and crashed? It's gone, Seto face it. All your hard work, everything you ever tried to succeed in, it's all gone…and stop that laughing!
But it's just so funny…
Stop it!
"Hee hee…"
Stop, I command you!
I put a hand over my mouth, and clasped it there, tightly. But once I got started it was impossible to stop. My laughter burst out of my hand and returned with a vengeance.
Seto…think of something that isn't funny.
Starvation. Starvation is not funny. Starvation, starvation, starvation, starvation…I laughed on, laughing at myself now more than anything else.
Just let it go, now.
Following the ever-present advice in my head, I let my laughter die down. I felt dizzy when I finally returned to normal. I shook my head, regaining the normal color in my face, embarrassed at the outburst of…whatever the hell that just was.
You're going insane, Seto.
"Like I don't know that."
You realize that you actually said that just now, not just thought it?
My head poked up and I glanced around the room. No one was here, anyway. But I decided to end these little conversations with the voice in my head. (That does not sound very sane…) I turned the voice off as best I could and started to get to work.
Mokuba stopped me when it was time for the funeral. The three of us went to the parlor again, and later the graveyard, where finality breeds in despair. Of course Yugi's friends were there, frolicking around in tears, hugging the boy and everything. That annoying one was there, too, that Anzu. She was there, and looking very Chinese to me all of a sudden. The only one not there was Jou. His absence was felt by all—even inducing a little anger on the parts of the pointy-haired one and Ryuuji, (who still arrived there together, I have to comment on).
"Damn it…why the hell can't Jou just get here the fuck on time for once! It's Grandpa's funeral for God's sake!" Hiroto roared.
"I know, where is Jou?" Anzu asked. Looking up from Yugi's head, which was currently buried in her stomach.
Ryuuji sighed. "Who knows?"
I knew. Jou was avoiding me. That had to be it. But…would he miss the funeral of his best friend's grandfather? A man so close to them that even the people that weren't related to him called him "Grandpa"? I wasn't sure. Who could be sure of Jou's actions anymore?
The ceremony ended like the last. With Yugi crying at the side of the grave and Jou still not present. Anzu offered to invite everyone over her house for food and whatever, but I glanced down at Yugi's unstable form and then said to her, "I'm just going to take Yugi home now, the rest of you can go if you want."
Anzu looked at me as if she were seeing me for the first time. Don't pretend you know me, little girl. Just look away. "Alright, Kaiba," she offered. "I think that's…a pretty good…idea." Struggling are we?
I turned to Mokuba who flinched when I looked at him. "Would you like to go with them?"
He seemed unsure if any answer was correct, the way he glanced around at everyone hoping for some kind of reassurance. Finally Ryuuji said, "Come on, Mokuba, I'll show you the new Dungeon Dice Monsters game I'm inventing. You want to see?"
Mokuba's head turned hesitantly up towards mine. I nodded once, telling him that it was alright. My little brother looked back at Ryuuji and smiled, leaving my side for his. I wanted my brother to have fun, to be able to think of something other than the depressing atmosphere of our home. Of me. I was glad to see him go. Also, I decided not to set a limited date for the visit. Let him steal as many hours away from us as he could. Most of me trusted insipid Ryuuji and effervescent Anzu because of the collateral I held in my hands, (literally).
But, just to be sure, I looked at each one of Yugi's friends. "Take care of him." I hoped my gaze was something fierce. These days I never knew if it was or not.
Ryuuji's eyes flicked towards Yugi then met mine in one movement. "You, too."
I nodded. "Let's go, Yugi," I lead him away from the scene.
"Wait…" he said. "I just want to say good-bye one more time." I agreed to this and returned to the grave, just one last time. Yugi spoke some words to the headstone, I didn't hear them. My back was turned as I watched the threesome take my brother into their car and drive away. Please forget about this for a little while, Mokuba. Have fun. You deserve it as much as anyone.
When I looked back, Yugi was slumped against the headstone. There were no more words. Silence lay around us both, along with the slight rustling of the trees around us. The wind was vengeful today, piercing through my trench coat with renewed hatred. Yugi's hair was tangled in itself, creating a massive ball of random color. As the wind picked up even more, resonating through-out the graveyard, I decided that this was enough time.
"Yugi, we have to go, now, alright?"
I saw the boy brace himself against my words and hold the headstone tighter. I prepared myself for a fight—again—but to my surprise Yugi let go of his own accord just as I was heading to fetch him. "Hai, Kaiba. Let's go."
He made our way home just like that. It was the first time I could remember not having to carry Yugi away from his grandfather. Was this a positive sign? I could never be sure.
When we stepped through the door of my house, Yugi made an announcement. "I think I'm going to call Jou."
"And do what?" I just wanted to make sure Yugi wasn't planning anything vindictive. He was not himself lately, after all.
"See if he's ok. I haven't seen him since Sunday." This was the longest, most cohesive, unfaltering sentence Yugi had uttered since his arrival. I admit to being a little proud of him.
"Alright." I would be amazed if Yugi actually had the courage to call Jou's house after the conversation he had left off with the last time. The one he had spoken in English. I still wondered about that phone call. I was almost sure that that as Jou's father Yugi had been speaking to. It made sense, American accent, Jou's mention, bastard-like creature, broken home. The pieces fit. Still…I was not in the practice anymore of becoming sure of myself on anything. So I held onto my guesses with quiet suspicion.
I trailed Yugi, (interesting turn of events), into the kitchen and handed him the phone. He made no sign of wanting me to leave so I stayed. His fingers made their way to dial, but Yugi only got as far as the first number before he turned to me and said, "I'm afraid to."
"Why are you afraid, Yugi?"
"His father's…really mean…" Yugi looked away.
That basically assured my suspicions. "He doesn't speak Japanese, does he?"
A tri-colored head whipped around at me. "How did you know that?"
It's possible that a few months ago I would have smiled at this question. "I heard you speaking on the phone with someone and mention Jou's name. In English. Right after that you told me that someone—'he'—was so mean. It wasn't that hard to figure out."
Yugi's eyes became hooded. "You've been spying on me then."
"Something like that."
He glared.
My arms folded across my chest and I simply said, "I have a right to."
Yugi still seemed angry, but he let it go because I was correct. Then he made a suggestion, "Call him for me," He offered up the phone. "Ask him if he's ok."
My voice caught in my throat. Call…Jou? The boy I had forced into a kiss not four days ago? Ask him if he was alright? And look like I wanted more?
Don't you want more?
Damn voice was back, taunting even more. I stared into the space next to Yugi's head. I guess I did want to see Jou again. The very thought of that sent my body into shakes. Jou's arms wrapped around me…chin on my shoulder…kissing my neck with those beautiful lips…
"Uh, Kaiba?"
I was ripped from my impure thoughts back to Yugi. I had no right to be thinking of Jou that way. Not after what I had done to him. And did I blame him for staying away from me? Of course not. He was bound to want to avoid the man who molested him, wasn't he? I knew from experience that that was usually the case.
"Hey, Kaiba?"
Once more, I thought again of Yugi. What to tell Yugi now? I don't think Ill call your friend for you, Yugi. I don't think I want to force myself again on the boy you so love. I think I'll just keep my vision trained on this one spot and leave it there…
"Kaiba!"
That one was with force. "Nani?" I asked.
"You were spacing again." Yugi looked a little worried.
I definitely was. "Right. Gomen."
"Do…you want to call Jou?"
There is no way I would. Quickly, I made up a scenario on the spot. "Yugi, I have not gotten any sleep in about four or five days, so, I think I'll go lay down upstairs. But give me his phone number; I'll call him later on for you."
The boy looked wary but still said, "Well…ok…you should sleep…" He wrote down Jou's phone number on a piece of paper and handed it to me. I stuffed it in my trench coat pocket. "Dōmō." I stepped out of the room, heading straight to my bedroom without any thought. I knew I was never going to get any sleep. Although I really couldn't picture resigning myself back to my office chair, insanity looming dangerously close overhead. I didn't want to be attacked with another fit of laughter that I couldn't explain. And maybe just laying there would ease my Jou-ridden, Toshokama imprinted, CEO driven mind for a while. I also needed a shower.
My room offered no solace for me when I entered. It was a place for nightmares the last time I had been here. I set my trench coat on the bed and began to undress. These were still the same clothes from last night, I realized with a start. I had forgotten to take them off. This whole day I had reeked of him!
Like a mad man, I began ripping the clothes off my body, tearing off some buttons, causing some threads to loosen and tear, scratching my neck with one of my fingernails. I shivered after every shred of clothing was thrown many feet away from me, more out of disgust than cold.
To have been smelling of that man for the entire day…the thought made me retch. I ran to the bathroom and succeed in choking out globs of saliva in a painfully dry regurgitation. I coughed afterwards, my throat in disarray. That was horrible…I would never wear those clothes again. Ever. I would burn them and desecrate the ashes. It seemed the only logical choice.
Moving away from the sink, I went to turn on the water. Make it warm.
I found myself a little bit tired after the shower. I did not have the strength to pick up the clothes on the floor. I just wanted to lie down…rest my head for a moment or two…Before I even knew what I was doing, my body had done just that, wet hair staining the pillow.
Sleep beckoned me surprisingly loudly. How long had it been since sleep? Saturday night? It was Wednesday after noon. That wasn't too long…
Involuntarily, an image of Jou—just as he was in my old office when we shared a kiss—was called to my mind. "Katsuya…" I whispered to the air, thinking of what he would say right now. I missed that damn American accent…
Katsuya…his likeness faded abruptly.
It is so cold. Why am I here? I'm here for a reason, I know I am. The wind the is so cold…
I remember Gozaburo, I remember what he said…
"Do you understand, Seto?"
I shook my head no.
"Do you understand Seto?" His fist smacked the desk.
With a small flinch, I nodded vigorously. "Hai, Otōsan."
He said…he said…
There is a man at the door. I'm chained, ready to consumed by him. "Don't cry, Seto, don't cry. I'm not going to hurt you."
But it does hurt. A lot. The pain…cold…pain…his eyes are golden like a wolf's, please don't let him eat me…someone, anyone…Suddenly he is a wolf and—..
"HELP ME!" I screamed, falling out of bed, tangled up in my towel. My body was once again covered in sweat. Damn nightmare. I was right. This bedroom really is the place for nightmares.
Was it the same one? I hold a hand to my head and raised myself wearily. The same dream? Is that possible? I think so. I felt the same way after it was over. What had I screamed, though? It was "iie" last time, I knew that. This time it had been "help me", I supposed. That didn't mean anything.
I decided promptly to forget about it. I didn't need this dream on top of everything else in my life. This reoccurring nightmare. Damn it. Why had I deemed it alright to sleep? Had I not known that this would happen?
Rummaging through my drawer for some clothing, I tried to will the feeling back into my body. It felt numb with internal pain, after that dream. I had felt this way for a while, ever since that girl Miyuki had so blatantly made me realize the absence of a heart within me.
I was still alive, I knew that much. But nothing felt real. Even as I put on new clothes and my old trench, (which had fallen to the floor in my tumult), I realized that part of me was dying, if not already dead. It wasn't even a surprise, or something I hadn't been expecting. This piece of me, the part marked with death, had been dying for a while now. Ever since this all began.
I needed to get away. Not to life, though. I didn't think there was any place breathing of life that would accept me, a dead man. I needed to go someplace where death manipulated the living. A void. A place of suspended hardship and suffering, washed away in momentary suspension.
It took me all of a single minute to decide on a bar. I needed a hell of a drink.
Grabbing my wallet—that actually contained money in it, a total of $50, more than the total amount my company was worth—off the dresser, I left my cursed bedroom and descended the many levels of home before the front door.
I passed the living room where Yugi was reclining on the couch watching the news on television. "I'm going out, Yugi," I announced. "I don't know when I'll be back."
"Uh…ok, I guess. Did you…get any sleep?" His head peeked up from the couch.
"Some." Best leave it at that. We stood there staring at each other for a few more minutes before I left. Get my drink.
I chose a random car to get me to the bar. I honestly don't even remember what it looked like to be sincere with you.
By the time I actually reached the highway, it was dark outside. My watch said 8:43. That was pretty late, actually. I was not aware that I had slept for such a long time. But for drinking, it was damn early. Oh well. The emptier the bar, the better the solitude.
I decided on an old bar I knew of called "Kazumi to Nuki", named, I assume, after it's owner and his wife, (a robust old man with no teeth that drank beer all day and spoke in broken Japanese and a barren woman with skin hanging off her bones in clumps—or at least, those were the rumors). They served warm sake in the middle of the day. That was pretty good.
I parked my car in front of the building, where it was set off from the highway on a dirt path. The bar resembled a run down American-cabin like place. The front windows had some cracks in them, from fights probably, but I really did not care. It seemed like the perfect place for a night of drinks and numbness. And death, of course.
I entered the bar promptly, making eye contact with each person in the room, (all five of them). There was the bartender, an old Japanese man with wispy white hair and black eyes. He wiped the counter down with a raggedy towel and offered me a scowl when I stepped in. Kazumi, I assume? There was a woman sitting near the television screen barking orders at a baseball game that was going on. She turned only briefly to stare at me and then quickly resumed her shouting. A young couple, man and a woman, they looked European and spoke in hushed voices that stopped when I stepped in. Mouths open and hanging they stared dumbly at me as I traversed the length of the bar and sat down a few seats away from a homeless man, dead asleep with an empty bottle of American whisky clutched in his dirty hand.
Like I imagined: Not a place for the living.
The bartender ambled over to me. His voice was gruff, but interestingly well-versed. "What would you like, sir?"
"A bottle of warm sake." No pleasantries. I had no will for them.
He complied quickly. He even served it in a kettle, the traditional way to serve warm sake. The kettle offered warmth for my hands. It was far from soothing, however.
With the determination of a man heading towards his own execution, I threw the kettle's spout into the back of my mouth and drank. The rush of alcohol down my throat gave my brain a slight jolt. When I opened my eyes, after the kettle had been drained, the vision of the bar swam before me. It took my awhile to get used to the intake.
I turned to the bartender, who was staring at me with wide eyes. "Another, please," I asked. Surely, I was already tipsy.
He came around with the next kettle. Before I drank, I decided that I should definitely have something to drink to.
To Mokuba, my poor lost, hurting, confused little brother who wanted nothing more than to help his big brother. Gulp
To Yugi and his dead grandfather recently put in the ground. May your suicidal longings be put at ease. Gulp
To my company. $14. And still young. Gulp
To Toshokama. Have a heart attack. Gulp
To my stepfather…well, he was dead. In his grave he had been rotting for about three years. Honor and glory. His biggest dream. Gulp
To Miyuki, the helpless little girl I could not save. Gulp
To…Ryuuji and his lover Hiroto. Lots of luck. Gulp
To Anzu Mazaki, the Chinese bubble. Gulp
To the loyal Nakamura, may your wife still love you, and may you live a long and happy life as your reward. Gulp
To Ichigata-san, my nerdy Vice President whom I hadn't seen in days. Gulp
To my secretary, always looking for a man in all the wrong places. Gulp
The bottle was almost empty…I needed a good one for this last gulp. I knew one.
To Jonouchi Katsuya. Thank you for haunting my thoughts constantly and may you be free from my gripping forced-love. Gulp-gulp
Now I was tipsy.
At around 10:00, (three kettles later), I felt damn right drunk. Every part of me was numb with the chemical. My brain felt like it was shut off, but my eyes were still on. And I felt only one emotion: depression. It was lodged deep within my chest, a permanent fixture of sadness.
More people started showing up. The place was getting filled, actually. I had no idea it was this popular. The sake was good, though.
Somewhere in my drunken stupor, I remember hearing the bartender play an American rock song over the speaker. I believe it was called "Black Hole Sun" by Soundgarden. The music was loud, but the song was so and methodical. It rhymed with my mind's state.
In my eyes. Indisposed. In disguise as no one knows. I rested my head against the countertop and took another of the kettle. It missed my mouth completely.
Hides the face. Lies the snake. In the sun in my disgrace. I was not in the mood for sleep. How about another gulp…
Boiling heat. Summer stench. Beneath the black the sky looks dead. Call my name…through the cream…and I'll hear you scream again…
My vision swirled in time to the slow beat.
Black hole sun. Won't you come? And wash away the rain…Black hole sun. Won't you come? Won't you come? Won't you come…
Random thoughts jumped around my mind. I think some guy might have been clapping me on the back for having downed five kettles so far. His voice was loud in my ear, but eventually he went away. I didn't say anything to him as far as I remember.
Stuttering. Cold and damp. Steal the warm wind tired friend. Times are gone…for honest men. And sometimes far too long for snakes…
Oh Katsuya…I'm sorry I did all that to you. Please…onegai…forgive me…
In my shoes. Walking sleep. And my youth I pray to keep. Heaven send…hell away…No one sings like you anymore…
Black hole sun. Won't you come? And wash away the rain…Black hole sun. Won't you come? Won't you come?
I threw my head down on the counter top in such distress, bouncing the drinks resting around me. Gomen nasai, Katsuya…forgive me…gomen nasai…
Black hole sun. Won't you come? And wash away the rain…Black hole sun. Won't you come? Won't you come? Won't you come? (Black hole sun) Won't you come? (Black hole sun) Won't you come? (Black hole sun)
The song became an anthem of my pain and sorrow. I felt a physical force tear through my body when I thought of Katsuya and the damage I had done to him.
Hang my head. Drown my fear. Until you all just disappear…
Slowly the people around me were fading into nothing. "Katsuya…" I began moaning into the countertop stained with warm sake that hadn't quite made it to my mouth.
Black hole sun. Won't you come? And wash away the rain…Black hole sun. Won't you come? Won't you come? Black hole sun. Won't you come? And wash away the rain…Black hole sun. Won't you come? Won't you come? Won't you come? (Black hole sun) Won't you come? (Black hole sun) Won't you come? (Black hole sun) Won't you come? (Black hole sun) Won't you come…
Won't you come? Won't you come…
Eventually, as the song was reaching its end, the bartender shook me. "I think it's time you headed home, my friend. Do you have someone you can call and give you a ride? You're in no state to drive."
I caught about half that. But I did hear the part about calling someone. I nodded and he handed me a cell phone. Without even thinking about whom to call, my hand reached into my trench coat pocket and fished out the number Yugi had given me.
It took my a few minutes to get my bearings straight with the phone, (the numbers all looked like random circles to me, and what exactly did the number 7 look like?), but I eventually mastered this and reached Jou. I didn't even think about the fact that Jou's father might answer, I just knew that on the other end of this phone there was a boy that I needed very much to talk to.
Fortunately for my drunken mind, Jou was the one who answered the phone.
"Moshi moshi?" The accent rang true.
Without thinking I blurted out, "Jou, gomen nasai…I didn't mean to…"
"Who the hell is this?" The voice was suddenly on the defensive.
"Gomen, really, I wish I hadn't…"
"Kaiba is this you?"
"Hai…gomen nasai…"
"What are ya talkin' about?" He seemed confused, struggling to keep up with the twists in this inane phone call.
"I didn't mean to force you, gomen nasai…"
"Wha—oh…Kaiba…where are ya?"
"In a bar…"
"Oh, god, Kaiba are you drunk?"
"Very." That much I knew.
"Oh, Jesus Christ. Where are you?"
"In a bar…" I repeated, dazed.
"What's the name of the bar?"
I thought hard. "…Kazume to…Nauta?"
"Kazumi to Nuki?"
"I think so…"
"Ok, I'm gonna come and get ya, alrigh'? Just sit tight, I'll be there in a sec." He hung up.
I handed the phone back to the bartender. "Someone is…to come and get me…" I managed.
He nodded. "Go and wait outside. You're scaring off some of the customers." His hand waved me off. I tried to stand on my legs, but the ground felt like it was moving. I tripped and fell flat on my face. I was too drunk to realize the pain. Some people around me started laughing and applauding. No one helped me up. I summoned strength to raise myself off the ground, in the process feeling something hot and sticky on my chin that when I touched came away red. Slowly, I made a shaky way to the front door, which I ran into once, invoking more laughter from the people sitting around me, before I opened it and stepped into the cold night air.
My watch said the time was around 12:34. It was that late?
Jou was true to his word. By 12:36 he was standing right above me. His figure was so welcome to my form, I would have hugged him if I had the strength to stand.
"Konnchwa, Jou…" It was the best I could do.
"Shit, Kaiba…" he said, brown eyes squinting in disgust, grabbing me around the wrists to pull me to my feet. I managed to stand on my own feet for all of two seconds before I fell forward again, right into his arms.
I began laughing for no reason again, although it wasn't as bad as the previous time. He was so warm…his arms around me…he felt so nice holding me up…
"Kaiba, you smell like aboutfive kettles of warm sake," he informed me, turning me around so my back faced him.
We had begun to walk away from the bar when I said, "Something like that…" Who was counting?
We walked carefully into a now full parking lot. "My car…" I protested.
Jou considered this. "And…ya wanna go home like this? Really?"
I thought. Iie, I did not want to return home in this state, drunk and confused in front of Mokuba and Yugi, the two people I needed to be strong for. "Iie…not home…"
"I didn' think so. And I can't take ya car to my house, so we're gonna have to walk."
I blanched. "You walked here?"
"Yup. No other way."
I wanted to say something to this, as I watched my car disappear behind us, but didn't get a chance to say anything other than, "I don't…feel well…" as ample warning before I leaned over and vomited all my stomach's weak, sake-ridden contents onto the pavement.
"Gross, Kaiba. Real gross. That was an inch away from my shoes." I laughed at that. Hard.
"That definitely wasn't funny."
"I know…" It all made perfect sense suddenly. Everything. The depression in my chest was still there, but that only made it funnier. "Jou…you know what the best part is?" I barely managed to say this with all my laughter.
"Uh…of what?"
"No one knows a thing…" I started to laugh again.
"Um…sure…okay, that is kinda funny, I guess."
We then made our weak way to Jou's house. Or at least, it turned out to be an apartment building in the wrong side of town. When we arrived it took a few minutes to orientate me to the stairs we had to ascend to get to the right floor.
Jou's apartment was small, it looked like, and everything smelled noxious inside. A smell I wasn't used to and couldn't place.
Before long, Jou had placed me on some sort of soft…thing…seemed like a bed. When my head hit the pillow, the first thing I remembered was the nightmare I had had earlier. I struggled, and tried to fight Jou, wanting anything else than sleep to plague my mind with nightmares of that man…that horrible man…
"Shh…shh…" Jou held me down with a lot of strength. "S'okay, Seto." He called me Seto…but it was not in a controlling way like Toshokama's…it was in a different way…something better. I relaxed gradually.
"Shh…" I felt Jou's hand on my forehead, stroking it. A towel to wipe the vomit off my mouth, the blood off my chin. "Shh…s'okay…"
Soon, before I could communicate any of my emotions to Jou—new emotions I had never experienced before—I was fast asleep.
There were to be no nightmares that night.
A/N: Whoa, that was a long chapter. It took my all day…all day…to write this. Wow. If you guys are still alive, I commend you for reading this whole long thing! Congratulations!
A few notes: About that tea kettle thing for the warm sake, I'm not sure about that. I saw it in an anime one time, so I think that's right, but I'm not sure. If anyone actually does know, please tell me! Thank you! Also, I know that Seto's personality kind of bounced around in this chapter, but it was the way it was supposed to be. I think…maybe? Well, I tried. And yes, Jou wants to take care of poor drunken Seto. I feel bad for making Seto that pathetically drunk, but the next chapter is going to be so much fun to write…heh.
Anyway, thanks for reading all of this, I can't believe I've spent all day writing this! I wonder what my house looks like…hmm…drop a review to tell me what you thought of it! And if you haven't heard that song by Soundgarden, download it off of iTUNES or something, it's really good!