So so so so so so so so SO sorry for the lack of updates. I know it's been almost two months since I last updated. So sorry! Whatever the reason, I just want you all to know that I was not considering deleting this story. I just had no time to write in the past month.
Final note: This story has exceeded "I'd Kill for You" in reviews, (which makes me kind of sad, I guess, because that was my first yaoi and everything but that's ok, really I don't mind!). I mean…wow…you guys are so awesome! (Shall you stay with me after my absence?)
From here on, I advise you to sit back and savor the SxJ…
Warning: This story contains the usual good stuff—er, I mean, bad stuff—like death, violence, homosexuality, rape, and drinking. Yes, there are many mentions of alcoholism and consumption of alcohol…I don't really see how that's disturbing, but if you find that it is, please don't read! Thank you.
Disclaimer: I don't own YGO.
Chapter Eight: Comfort
Dreamless sleeps are always the best sleeps, I think. I'm told that even though you may not remember your dreams, however, that does not mean that you have not had any. The same people tell me that your mind dreams every night, every time you fall asleep, no matter what you remember about the sleep.
I disagree with these people. The first sleep I had at Jou's house, after getting drunk off my head and subsequently taken into his apartment, was utterly dreamless. True unconsciousness. No dreams. I didn't even remember the last time sleep had taken me like this…
And it was forced to end. Life could not be crueler.
The first thing that notified me I could sleep no longer was pain. My head felt like it was actually dislocated from my body in a pit of fire separate from the rest of my body. This pit was filled with flames that were surely from the deepest depths of Hell, if there is such a thing.
The second entity that roused me was the sense of insecurity that one only gets from waking in a bed that isn't yours. I was sure that I was on a bed, but it was not a soft air mattress like I was used to. The bed had a structure of springs. Hard, broken springs that were so shot, my body was literally laying on the frame. The springs poked into my back underneath the scratchy sheets. The sheets did not feel clean, either. They seemed like they hadn't been washed in…well, ever. The blanket above me felt like wool and smelled like sweat.
The last, most prominent thing that roused me from me heavenly sleep was the smell. Of everything. The insufferable smell of cigarette smoke and stale beer lay on top of me like a second blanket. Nothing smelled clean, the sheets, the bed, the apartment itself, nothing. Then there was also the dominating smell of rancid body odor that surrounded my already burning skull. It caused my head to twitch involuntarily on the pillow. I hated having to inhale that poisonous stink, but it was either the toxins or no oxygen, and as much as I disliked it I realized that suffocating was not the proper way for me to die.
Mostly it was the smell that made me open my eyes. Or try to, at least. The actual act came with surprising difficulty. It was almost like there were two lead weights attached to each eye lid. The more I struggled, the more I progressed, but I lost more strength each time.
When I finally managed to pry my eyes open halfway, I found myself staring at a ceiling. Blank, white, cracked plaster. I rolled my eyes around to the floor, an uninteresting, vomit-inducing, gray-green color that had pieces of food and dirt imbedded into its fibers. The entire length of the carpet looked flattened from years of being trampled on by human feet. My eyes followed the carpet around the room until I saw the boundaries of where I resided. The walls were far from me on my left side but on my right side, a single wall was practically on top of me. If I reached over with my right arm, I could just about touch the chipped, pale brown paint with my palm. Also on that wall was a window with the shades pulled down, creating a yellowish glow for lighting. I reasoned that it was either early morning or early evening. This helped me none.
The left side of the room turned out to be much more interesting anyway, as most of the furniture was stored on that side. Directly next to the bed I saw a small wooden chair facing me. What could that possibly be for? I noticed a dresser, missing some drawers, clothes sticking out of it in a fashion that said the person who put them there was in quite a hurry. I noticed a guitar, electric, with a broken 1980s American amplifier attached to it by a long wire. There were other items that my eyes couldn't focus on right away, as well.
I followed the carpet again until the unsightly rug ended at an open doorway. I could partially see some of another room across the hall from mine, but because of the angle of the bed my vision was blocked some.
From a short distance, I could hear noises emanating out of that room. Something sounded like fat and grease sizzling on a grill of some sort. I could not be sure if there was food cooking because the odious smell of the apartment drenched my nostrils completely. Nor did I care.
My mind struggled to think, to create some sort of thought about all this. But the fiery trench encircling my head barred all thought, too. There was a sense of uneasiness lodged deep within my chest. I had no idea where I was, what had happened, or why my head was on fire.
The first logical thing to do was to try and escape. I commanded my arms and legs to move. Interestingly, I discovered that those were made of lead, too. With all my small strength, I could not lift any of my appendages more than a centimeter off the bed. My mind felt ripped to shreds—literally.
A flutter of small panic ensued. Harshly, I demanded myself to relax, inhale a deep breath of fetid air. Once that was settled, I scoured my agonized brain for some information.
Think, Seto…what is the last thing you remember?
I remembered…the funeral…Yugi hopelessly clutching his grandfather's grave, sitting home with the windows open…no, that had happened before the funeral, hadn't it? Hai. I remembered Yugi trying to work up the will to call Jou, failing of course, and giving me the phone number…
That sparked something in my mind. Jou's phone number. I knew that number, didn't I? There was something…he gave it to me…and then…what?
I sighed. What the hell was going on? If that was the last thing I remembered, how had I gotten here?
A thought occurred to me. What did this feel like? Damn hangover. I had most likely gotten drunk the night before…of course, I had. It had taken me this long to realize that I was missing a shirt and pants, too. Kami, I could be dense sometimes.
I hoped to hell that he, (whoever he was), had the decency to be attractive and that he hadn't raped me. That would be my first question. "Did you rape me, or was I into it, too?" But it wasn't like I found much horror in rape anymore, especially if the guy was under the age of 50. Yeah, forced sex. Days work for a whore. I wondered if he had brutalized me as well. I didn't have the strength to check my body for bite marks or slap marks, however. I just left it up to chance.
I wished I knew what day it was. I wanted to know if any meetings had been missed, if Mokuba needed to be notified, or if Yugi had killed himself yet. What time was it? I had gone to work with hangovers before. If I could drag myself out of bed and haul my damaged ass to my building there would probably be enough time to check my stock value.
My stock value…why did I want to check that, again? Last time it was somewhere around $14. And Toshokama…how long did I have until his gathering?
Something fell inside of me. Like a stone dropped into a lake from a long distance up. I felt sleepy again. Like my mind couldn't handle all this information…if only I could sleep…
That meeting of Toshokama… I leaned my aching head back into the foul pillow. Through the mixture of sleep and confusion, I felt a want to be dead. Death could help me with all this…a quiet falling into an uncelebrated cavern. That was death. I wanted it so badly just then.
And right when I felt like sleep was about to claim me fully, I heard a distant but clear sound of humming. Someone was humming. It was a tune I recognized. The voice sounded familiar as well; where exactly was I?
Then, I heard footsteps. I summoned the strength to forget about death for a while and raise my eyelids. I directed my hazy vision to the doorway. The person seemed to be moving inside the opposite room. I heard the rustling of pots and pans, a stream of running water, and what sounded like some cabinets opening and closing.
Had I met this person before my drinking binge? I waited, not knowing what to do.
Listen, Seto…
Soon enough I heard a loud crash and then a subsequent, soft, "Fuck…" in English.
I leaned my head back down on the pillow. That sounded kind of like…
Fate did not grant me any more time to think on the matter before I felt and sensed a walk of steady footsteps leave the solid floor of the opposite room and switch to carpeted ground.
I felt the person walk into my room. He passed right by my bed, his side bumped into the broken mattress.
With strength from a hidden reservation deep within myself, I loosened my eyelids to find myself staring directly into someone's waist. It was obviously a man; he was wearing a faded white muscle shirt and some blue jeans that actually appeared to be gray from wear. Very American.
Above my head and vision, I heard something like plastic being ripped. A part of me tensed at that. What was he doing? It's not like I had the strength to fight him off. I could not even lift a limb.
Before I had time to contemplate my next course of action, the man pulled up the chair from behind him and sat down.
From that moment on, I hated myself for being consistently correct. His puppy dog face stared straight back into my eyes. I'm not going to deny that I found the sight of him to be both startling and refreshing. For a small second, I forgot the fiery pain in my head and the fiery pain deep within my being. But in the next second I was damning the fates alive that of all the saviors and flings in the world, mine had to be Jonouchi Katsuya.
"Oh, you're awake. Hey." His eyes widened when he said this single, simple greeting. So carefree, as always.
I worked on forming my lips to speak. What first came out was just a groan.
"Yeah, not surprised…" He moved his line of vision away from mine and back to the plastic in his hand. It looked like a pouch of some sort. One of his fingers dipped into it and came back with transparent cream. Jou looked back at me. I watched him curiously as he flung his bangs to the side in a quick, quiet, almost invisible toss of his head, something so trivial but at the same time…so beautiful. Then he moved dangerously close. I had to close my eyes as he applied the cream to my chin.
In an instant I felt a distinct stinging pain in the middle of my chin. I let out an aggravated grunt, (it was the best I could manage). What hurt?
"Hurts? Yeah, ya' banged it good."
I waited until he was finished, trying to remember when I had gotten this new injury. A secret, unwanted type of disappointment filled me when I felt his warmth move away.
"Don't wipe dat off, ok? It's like some medicine cream or somethin'. It should heal the cut."
I worked on forming my lips to move in speech. It took a few minutes but Jou waited without interrupting. "What cut…" I asked.
"I dunno. You had it when I picked ya' up from da bar."
He picked me up from the bar? Again, I cannot lie to you and say that I was surprised. It had to be something like that. Now I just needed to confirm that I hadn't had sex with the mutt. "What…exactly…happened…last night?"
Damn eyes. Why wouldn't they open?
I heard Jou get up from the chair and move to another side of the room, still on my left. "Actually, it was two nights ago. You've been sleepin' for a whole day."
That got my eyes to open. I glared at him where he stood next to something that looked like a lampshade on the floor, scattered among the junk. "A whole day?"
"Yep. You were, uh…pretty drunk, man."
That much I could figure. I tried to remember deciding to get drunk, but nothing came to me.
Jou was standing with his back to me from his corner of the room, not saying anything. With half-lidded eyes I drank the image of him as if drinking a cool glass of water, (my mouth felt so dry my tongue was swollen). To have that cup of sweet moisture in my mouth…
He turned around. I threw my eyes back up to meet his and hoped my face wasn't turning red. "You were damn stoned, as a matter of fact."
Internally, I reprimanded myself for getting off track in my thinking. There was nothing between Jou and me, nor would there ever be, not since I forced him…the old guilt rolled to life like an ocean wave, sloshing around inside me, leaving a trail of washed up pain when it receded.
"I really don't remember," I admitted to his face.
He turned all the way around to face me again. "Not surprised by that, either. I estimated about six or seven kettles of warm sake."
Another groan escaped me. With that new piece of information, my headache seemed to worsen. "…seven…" I said, rolling my head on the pillow, very slowly, in anguish.
"Yeah, I think it was seven. That's what ya' kinda smelled like when I picked ya' up."
"You picked me up?" I asked, looking at him skeptically. I wanted to confirm more about the night.
"Yeah-huh." (I thought that was a weird thing to say. But it suited Jou well; something stirred inside that guilt.) Without much success, I tried to ignore it. "Ya' called me from da bar and I went and gotcha."
Something flashed in my mind. A picture of Jonouchi tossing me up on his shoulder appeared in my mind. I think I remembered some of that. "My car…" I whined.
"We left it there. Ya' said ya' didn' want to go home like dat." I felt both relieved and frustrated by this. What the hell had happened to it, then? Still, I was happy to know that even in a drunken state I could decide that appearing totally foolish and irresponsible in front Mokuba and Yugi was definitely a wrong idea. An imaginary vision of what I would look like totally drunk standing in front of the two appeared alongside the first. Mokuba had tears in his eyes, holding his hands to his face in shame…
Jou's voice startled me out of my depressing premonition. "Don't blame ya' either. I wouldn't wanna look like a jackass in front of my little sister." He had a sister? News.
I thought about this new sister. What was she like? Did she resemble Jou? In any way? Did she have a calming presence that allowed someone to loosen all sense of sincerity when she entered a room? It seemed unlikely. But maybe I could meet her one day…
Who cares about his sister? It is trivial at this point.
I know, I know…but still…
But still nothing.
Helpless against the voice in my mind, I obediently shook the idea away.
Silence loomed over us, hanging in the same league as the odor. Honestly, though, I was beginning to register the smell as normal. I had almost stopped even smelling it at all. It occurred to me, in that silence, that I had not had time to develop a strategy for talking with Jonouchi. The last time we had conversed was in…
The heaviness returned.
"So, uh, ya' probably not hungry but, uh…ya' want somethin' to eat?"
With the house odor gone, I could sniff out the food he was cooking in the room opposite this one. It made my stomach lurch with queasiness. "Not at all."
"Didn't think so. How do ya' feel, though?" He moved closer and sat in the chair again. Notably, I felt his warm presence with every step.
There is nothing between you two. Remember that. There is nothing. Remember!
I tried…I was trying but—
"Kaib'?"
I twisted my head up to look at him. "Nani?"
"Uh, I asked, how do ya' feel?" He looked slightly ill at ease by my strangeness. "You okay?"
Another groan. "My head feels like…it's on fire."
"Ever been this hung over before?"
If I had the strength to shrug, I would have. "I don't know."
Suddenly he burst out laughing. The force of it almost barreled me off the bed. What the hell could possibly be funny in this insufferable pain?
Eyes of blue darkened as much as the lead would allow. "Nani?" I demanded of him.
The boy in front of me was leaning back in his chair at the idea which he found so amusing and what I found so mysterious. When my question registered, he wiped the dripping saliva from his contorted mouth with the back of one hand and said, "Ah, nothing…I just didn't think I would ever picture Kaiba Seto stuck in bed with a hangover."
My vision blurred. Kaiba Seto. Me? Oh yes, that was me. Great? Was I? My mind tried to focus on that word, "great". I remembered being great once. Of course I was. I was the Kaiba Seto. But that was in the past. Jou knew nothing of my downfall, apparently. How could he not? Wasn't it in every paper out there? I was nothing great anymore. That much could be said without hesitation.
Maybe that's what confused me so. The old pain that should have been there when Jou mocked my pride was not there. I felt, strangely void of the old loathing. Why would that confuse me? I did not know. I did not care. I just wanted to sleep again…forget this present, confusing situation…about being a whore, (what would Jou do if he knew that the Great Kaiba Seto was also a whore?)…
"Kaiba?"
Hai…forget…my eyes drooped closed again…just forget what the problem itself was, maybe then I could loose this confusion, this absence? Feel something?
"Kaib'?"
Sleep…er, iie, that is not the way to do it. Sleep means nightmares and waking upon a stinking bed on the home of my former—lasting?—enemy. Sleep was not a friend…
"Hey, look, I didn't mean…Kaiba?"
Or should I aspire to sleep forever? And be trapped forever as consequence?
"Kaiba? Talk to me, dammit!"
Sleep beckoned me anyway. I felt darkness pull on the edge of my consciousness. Sleep…sleep…sleep…
"Seto?" I felt a hand on my shoulder, wrench me back from the terrain of blackness.
I still felt so tired. So…tired…my eyes opened briefly, color flashed through my sight, meeting Jou's in a heated but brief second.
"Do you always…call me Seto?" I asked drowsily.
I heard his response, his voice heightened by my subconscious, "Uh, I don't think so…naze?"
"I like it." With that said, I felt like I could rest as long as he knew that. So I fell completely into the sleep.
Even as I slept, my mind moved as though I were awake. Visions that made me feel all kinds of things.
I imagined Jou, the way his arms had latched onto me that night…feeling…
I imagined Jou's sister, standing next to him, hugging him with a smile on her face, because he wasn't a jackass…feeling…
I imagined Mokuba sleeping on his bed and then wakening only to shout at me, "Seto, just go away!" Feeling…
I imagined Yugi, grasping my waist for dear life, crying tears of the deepest grief available to one so young…feeling…
I imagined Miyuki, standing before me, in tears that had become part of her life, begging me to help her…feeling…
I imagined Toshokama, in me, on me, telling me to enjoy it…feeling…
I imagined my stepfather, sitting before me in a desk, looking at me with eyes of steel…steely gray eyes that offered nothing that could be given to me, anything that I deserved or wanted, needed…feeling…
Feeling…
"You must do as I say. It is for the good of the company, Seto. Nothing else matters."
I stared at him.
"Do you understand, Seto?"
I shook my head no.
A loud smack on his desk with a flat palm, he looked at me again. "Do you understand, Seto?"
A small flinch, but then I nodded vigorously. "Hai, Otōsan."
"Very well. You are dismissed."
I lay here, on the bed. Trapped, chained, and naked. Fully open to the future attack. My tears have stopped. The fear within me takes a new turn.
Footsteps at the door. A jingling of keys and then the door opens. The man enters. His face is illuminated by the light behind him, which follows him through the door until he closes it behind him. Now we are in darkness again.
I breathe heavily. Afraid. He's going to…
Gozaburo said…he said…
"Shh…" Like a father consoling a child. "Don't cry, Seto. There is nothing to fear about me."
But there is. I know him. I know him. My stepfather wanted no surprises for me. How can I not cry? I am screaming as loud as I can inside myself.
He slips off his robe—he was wearing one?—and moves toward the bed. "This will all be over soon."
He reaches me. I feel his warmth on top of me briefly and then…
The pain. It hurts. It hurts so much, I can't stand this pain. Pain…I'm cold…cold…
"Stop, please…onegai, please stop…"
Pain…"Shh, shh…don't cry Seto,"…
Then his eyes encounter mine for an instant. Eyes of gold. Eyes like a wolf. He is the wolf consuming me until—
"Stop, PLEASE!"
Darkness met my vision. An alien darkness, like that of a room I was not used to…I turned my shaky eyes to the left side of the room. An American amplifier?
Right. Jonouchi.
Drenched in my own sweat, feeling defeated and embarrassed, I lay back down on the bed, breathing heavily. Another nightmare. Would I be forever cursed with them? Where was the logic in all this? I had no where to escape this time, no bar, no work; I was forced to remain there in that bed with only my lonely, confusing memories of what I had just dreamt. And in Jou's house, nonetheless.
A feeling of dread rose inside of me. Gozaburo. Sitting at a desk. I remembered that. Cold…chained—chained? Was that…hai, there were definitely chains. Chains? The dread reached my throat, creating a sickness there that I had trouble keeping down.
Stop. Stop this now, Seto. Forcibly I clenched my eyes shut and shoved all these memories out of my mind. I didn't need them. Why wouldn't they just go away? Leave me be.
"Damn you…" I whispered to the night air, feeling some tears well up behind my eyes.
Nothing answered me. In fact, I heard nothing except the footsteps above my head, (probably people on the floor above me, stomping around at ungodly hours), the ever-present voice in my head, (So it appears that you still have those childhood relics hanging around the closet, Seto. You are weak to let them defeat you. They're just juvenile memories; memories of a time you were supposed to have forgotten. And what of those promises to yourself? You surely remember those, don't you? "They are gone, he's gone, they must be gone…I am free of them now…free…" You said that. You did. Remember? What ever happened to that?), and…something that sounded like…in the next room…was it crying?
From my position, tense and in a state of memory repression, I slowly lost my focus on myself. Jou. I was in his home, after all. His life. I had invaded his life. Had he heard me screaming just as I woke up from the nightmare?
Immediately my mind filled with questions of the boy. Where was Jou? What time was it? Late? I remembered falling asleep in the middle of conversation. Was he angry with me for that? Was he…well, what was he?
My eyes opened slowly and I began to sit up, (strength returns quickly with sleep, so I believe). It felt like my head fell back down on my neck as soon as I moved into a straight position. I had to stop a moment to overcome the sense of dizziness that made me want to vomit whatever contents were in my stomach. The bed creaked with the movement, unable to take withstand it without protest. Cautiously, hesitantly, I swung my feet over the side of the bed. It surprised me to find that I was indeed still wearing pants, only my shirt was missing. I looked down at my chest, seeing the bare skin and bones, (when had my bones become so visible? I could easily count every one of my ribs), there with nothing to hide. It was shameful, defiled skin. But Jou did not know that. Still, I wanted something to cover it up, lest I appear sickly with my wraithlike body. Unfortunately I found no shirt anywhere in the room, Jou had hidden my black one with great care, it seemed. (Actually, the fact that there were no shirts is a lie. I did see a white muscle shirt lying on the ground somewhere near my feet. And it was stained brown around the armpits and neckline with…some grotesque thing, I was sure. So I left it. Although, I suppose that I could have worn that if I really had to.)
I dropped the matter where it was. Jou had already seen my shirtless, apparently. Maybe the sight of me would have no surprises for him.
The floor was cold underneath my feet. It almost felt like wood at first touch because the fibers were so flattened. As soon as I tried to stand, the blankets fell off of me and I shivered as my body temperature fell, sitting back down. Jesus. Was there no heat at all here?
A thought. There probably was not.
Forgetting about the cold, I gathered up enough strength to pull myself up. It took more than one try, but the sobs in the background called to me. They were so…haunting. I knew it had to be Jou making those noises. That thought alone drove me insane.
I wobbled my way across the bedroom and to the slightly ajar door on the other side. When I pushed that aside, (which made, luckily, no sound), I found some light bleeding into the adjacent hallway from the kitchen. The sound, though soft, as I was realizing getting closer to the actual scene, echoed around the slightly empty space.
One foot in front of the other, exactly. My knees seemed unsure of themselves so I refrained from bending them. I made no noise as I walked into the doorway of the kitchen.
Sure enough, there, right in front of me, was a blonde head curled into two open palms. His back was hunched over a ragged, unfinished wooden table, so I could only see the top of his head. But it didn't change the fact that Jou was sitting in front of me in complete and utter despair.
The sobs…they were so light, barely there almost. He was in no way wailing. It made the cries seem delicate and fragile, as if a rough hand could shatter those sobs with one touch, and as if a kind hand could gently brush those very same sobs away with a single caress.
Feeling my heart break, I swallowed and asked in a voice that was as strong as I could attempt, "Jou?"
In a flash the boy's head recoiled upwards, revealing a ruby, tear stained face. He seemed shocked to see me standing there. "S-Seto…" his quivering voice croaked out. His eyes kept me steadily fixed in there for a moment longer, and then he leaned back in his chair and said in a slightly stronger voice. His Japanese was not very good. "Where ya come from alofa sudd'n?"
My hand tilted back behind my head in gesture that showed I came from somewhere in that general region. Daringly, I took a few more steps toward him. I was in such turmoil from having seen him that way that I probably couldn't have said real words.
"Ya'…alright?" he asked. "Ya'…go back ta bed. Can't be here…now…" However his face was telling me something different.
It seemed proper to speak. "I'm fine, Jou. Are you alright?" That was the only important question.
"A'…of course I am." Violently he began rubbing his eyes, trying to wipe the tears from his face. Hide them, more like. "Go, go back to bed. I'm fine."
Nothing could make me believe him. So I moved over and sat down in the chair opposite his on the table and gave him a look with my eyes that said I was not going to leave any time soon.
Jou was slouched in his seat, looking not at all like himself. His bubbly demeanor was missing, there seemed to be something internal dragging him down from the inside out. I longed to destroy that something and save him. But what could I do? I was nothing but a burden to him.
I stared at him, trying to figure out what possible reason there could be for these sobs. Instinct told me it had to do with recent events, but other than Yugi and myself, what could Jou have to cry about?
I leaned my head on my hands. "What's wrong, Jou?" I asked in such a soft voice I had to pray to whatever gods there possibly were that the boy had even heard me.
A yellow raggedy-haired head lifted itself to meet my penetrating gaze. Like I suspected, he was not able to keep that stare for much longer than a minute before he had to look away, (I can be quite passive aggressive when I choose). His eyes were so red they reminded me of separate drops of blood, with a dark and hollow center that was his previously livid iris.
"Nothing. Why…why would anything be…wrong?"
Keeping my gaze steady I replied, "That is such a lie."
He turned around, saturated with anger, and tried to fight me again, failing miserably. "It is not! Nothing's wrong with me, Seto! Just go back to bed." I was acutely aware of the "Seto" in that sentence.
"Liar." My tone was like that of a child.
Jou's weary body fell back down against the chair as the anger in him evaporated. He inhaled mucus through his nose very loudly then said, "Yeah, I guess I am."
"Tell me what upsets you." Honestly, there was nothing he could have said that I would be surprised to hear.
But Jou said something that no one had ever said to me before. With wounded eyes, "I don't want to tell you. You got enough problems of your own without worrying 'bout mine."
That got me. My throat caught and my body tensed. Had he…just said…It was the one thing I had wanted someone—anyone—to say for months. For the entirety of my life, actually.
And it was the one time I hadn't wanted it.
I wanted Jou's problems to be my own. Undoubtedly, I had a lot to deal with, but none of that mattered when I was in the face of that boy. Just being in his presence made it seem like all the evils in my life were lifted out of my mind, leaving me to heal. Why did I feel that way? It didn't make any sense. But I didn't care. I loved the way that felt and I was practically greedy for it, (that's why I could not get him out of my mind). The only thing I wanted more was for me to be the same for Jou.
So, against all my previous wishes, I said to him, "Jou, I don't care about that. Just tell me."
His head shook, causing some hairs to fly away. "I can't."
I knew from experience that Jou could be frustratingly stubborn sometimes. Even though I wanted to know this painful secret of his with every nerve in my body, something told me to wait. That he would tell me eventually when he wanted to. Involuntarily, with this decision came the crushing disappointment that I would be of no help to him now.
With great strength I bit the insides of my lips to keep from speaking again. I dropped the façade of impermeability and looked away. In every respect I was letting Jou have the upper hand in this conversation. And amazingly enough I didn't care.
The both of us remained quiet for what seemed like a lifetime. We were afraid to say anything, or at least I knew that nothing would be sufficient. As much as Jou could help me with my life I was so useless to him.
Just as these thoughts were taking over my other emotions, I heard another sound. Like all the tears that Jou was trying so hard to hold back had just burst through all his defenses. When I looked again the face of my savior was once more contorted in sobs.
Helplessly I watched him cry. Everything within me was drenched in pain. If only I could…
Out of pure instinct I made my next move. Slowly, I reached across the table with one hand. The tips of my fingers brushed back Jou's sweat-soaked bangs, making the barest contact with his skin. At the same time, Jou stopped crying for a moment, surprised at the touch.
His face raised and I saw the pain there, unhidden, in its natural, purest form. I did not drop my hand. It remained there stroking his heated, sweaty forehead until he finally pulled back, away from the touch.
Neither of us made like we were going to say anything. But Jou looked so strange. His face was a mixture of raw pain, confusion, hesitation, and some small hint of gratitude. For what? I didn't know.
The chest on sufferer in front of me began moving up and down in rapid succession. I just watched, unsure of what his emotions were.
How long would it be before we moved? I was growing tired of this constant wordless confrontation. There had to be some way to get Jou to talk. Then I began thinking…what always worked? What had life taught me?
I moved to stand up. Through my peripheral vision I saw Jou tense slightly but remain in the same hunched position. At first the dizziness returned but it soon evaporated as I ignored it and moved over to the side of the table where Jou sat.
His eyes watched me all the way. I stared back at him, willing my emotions to reach him through some sort of telepathic link. When I reached him, I stood before his vision. Now it was my turn to be the one with nothing to hide. If my bare chest frightened him at all he made no move to show it. But his eyes did wander all over my form.
I let it happen. Whatever Jou was feeling right now needed to be gone. As soon as possible. I didn't care about all my previous thoughts, of what I had remembered the night at the bar while I got drunk to escape from my problems. I didn't need sake or any cheap thrill to help me escape. I escaped through Jou.
Cautiously, so he knew what I was doing, I raised my right hand and ran it through his golden locks slowly. His eyes closed against the touch. Moving quickly I closed the distance between us, pulling his form against mine and resting his soft head on my bare stomach.
The moment after this happened it was like something hanging in the air broke. Both of us sighed in unison. We leaned into each other to get more contact.
Words poured out. "Jou…" I sighed breathlessly, running my hands up and down his back.
The sobs came more frequently now, they were louder, uglier coming from Jou. My chest felt wet with the tears he spilled all over me. I barely noticed. "Seto…" he moaned into my skin.
"Jou, you mean…so much to me…" I didn't know why was saying this. But I did not take the time to consider it. Jou needed to know this, everything I felt within me needed to get out. I felt like I would crumble if he went one more second without knowing this. And I did not even know what "this" was. I guess it was me. "Please…tell me…"
He continued to sob into my chest. Now the words poured out of him. "I can't take dis…life…My mother is…dying…the docs say she won't last the month. But she lives in America. I…can't…go…I can't…be with my sister…Mom means so much to her…I can't be with her…I can't…I…can't…" So his sweet sister needed him and he could not go to her. That explained a lot. I listened on. He was not done at all.
"…and…" Here he looked up at me. "I…you…I…can't…get over you…"
I ran my hand down his face. He needed help just as much as I did. Forgetting any sense of pride Kaiba Seto might have had at any time, (for I really wasn't that man anymore), I dropped to my knees on the floor and rubbed my face against the top of his head. Into his greasy, matted, coarse hair I muttered, "You are my escape. Please. Don't get over me. Don't leave me. I…need you…" I squeezed my eyes closed to bar against the sudden blinding pain that rose up from my core. "There's no reason for me to live without you."
Through all the tears, Jou managed to choke out a laugh. A small chuckle, actually. "What are ya' talkin' about? Ya' gotcha brother and ya' company…why do ya' need me?"
"Iie, Jou. I don't have anything. My company is failing rapidly, my brother doesn't trust me, I can't help Yugi…and…" These were my problems. They ejected themselves from me faster than I could say them, like a hot spring I bubbled over with them. But could I admit the last one? Did I have the strength to stop it?
No amount of internal strength could have stopped me. "A man I work with. He's a CEO, like me. Every week, I let him…take me…as long as he pays me. But he doesn't pay me. He doesn't…do anything for me…he hangs threats over my head, blackmailing me with everything I fear. But…I…do not have the power to stop him. Not anymore. He controls me…and…I can't defend…I'm not strong. I'm weak, a weakling that cannot protect himself. A dirty whore. "
Suddenly I felt the back of my throat deflate; the lump began lessening until…it was suddenly gone. The ache within me…it was…ebbing away. The hot spring of emotion was falling back down into its cavern. I felt an inexplicable…something.
Release. That was the something.
Suddenly the uniqueness of the situation left. My mind was teleported directly back into my skull as it was before I started touching Jou. The end of the ecstasy.
Like the last time Jou and I had been so close to each other, I was left feeling different. There was no direct pain languishing in my chest cavity as there usually was. Of course I could feel it hiding beneath the surface, but it was hidden so deeply I barely even noticed its presence.
This feeling was so wonderful, it shocked me. I had never expected to be able to feel like this ever again after that first night with Toshokama. It almost didn't occur to me that the current person wrapped in my arms had just heard the darkest secret of my present life.
He wasn't crying anymore. My eyes were open, my vision clouded by the yellow strands of hair surrounding them. Slowly, I lifted my face off of him and looked down at the actual form of the catalyst of my intense emotion. His eyes looked up at me, no longer contorted in pain, no longer crying, his face had actually turned paler than the blood red it had been. And the look in his eyes…
Shock.
Immediately upon seeing that one look, I retreated. The previous minutes had been me flinging myself out in the open, defenseless, begging for this boy's acceptance. And he had rejected me.
My arms shrank back to my sides as if he had been made of flame. I found myself unable to look him in the eye, the moment had been broken. Even though Jou had stolen my most intense hurt, he was creating another type with his indifference. But I could not let him see it. I had exposed myself too much as it already was.
I spun on my heels, showing only my back to him, and said, "I should be leaving. I will not be anymore of a burden on you."
Mechanically, my feet carried me to the bedroom, looking for something to throw over my naked torso. I searched through all his drawers, taking extra care not to disturb any of the clothing piles, (heaps), Jou had created. But the clothing was in such disarray I found that I could not separate one garment from another. They were all hopelessly tangled in one another it seemed as though none of them had a beginning or an end.
From the kitchen I heard Jou get to his feet and call, "Seto!"
Damn. Running out of time. This drawer was not helping me. With great force I slammed it shut and moved around to the closet on the left side of the room.
Jou was in the room behind me. "Seto, wait…stop, don't leave, just calm down…"
I moved away from the closet. I could not be near him. Could not let him…touch me again. Defile his hands with what I was.
I made a snap decision: Fuck the shirt. Let the public see some skin, it would give the newspapers something to write about the next day. I evaded Jou and moved straight to front door, (it was in the same corridor as the kitchen, I just had to follow that through). Jou ran to keep up with me.
"Seto, stop damn it! Seto!"
My hand was on the doorknob. Oh, fucking hell, why was it locked?
Suddenly I felt his hands on the bare skin of my shoulders. Those rough-skinned hands that meant so much to me…I stopped moving involuntarily. The touch was not at all violent. In fact, it was almost a caress.
Slowly I felt him lean into me, his front pressed against my back. Another automatic reaction: I closed my eyes. His soft voice, (suddenly light as compared to his previous heaviness), whispered into my ear, "It's alright."
It was alright? How in the hell could it be alright? Despite the begging of my body to lean into his touch as we had just done, I forced myself to remain rigid. I did not deserve his love, how could he stand to touch this…thing?
I pried my eyes open. "Save your pity, Jou. I don't need it."
"It's not pity. You know that, don't you?"
It had to be pity. Or something like that. "Don't waste your good will on me Jou. Let me go."
"Hmm…" He pretended to be thinking deeply about the proposal. "Uh, no."
I felt the old stubborn in him again. Oh well. I could be stubborn, too. "Let go."
"No."
"Let go, Jou."
"Nope."
"I said, 'Let go'."
"Don't care."
"Stop this foolishness and let go of me."
"Nuh-uh."
"Jou let go."
"No, I don't think I will…" Then he did something that was like cheating. He slid his hands from my shoulders all the way down my back to my kidneys, causing me to shiver where I stood. This of course left me open to an attack which Jou took full advantage of by turning my around with one arm. He looked at me for a moment with a look of smug triumph on his face right before he kissed me fully on the lips.
The lips of Katsuya…so soft…so delicate…his tongue mixing with mine, so easily, so freely. The joy…so fleeting.
He broke away from me only after I was completely at his will. "Seto…I can't believe you told me that…what you just told me."
I lowered my head in shame. Like an obedient dog.
Coarse fingertips touched the bottom of my chin and lifted my head up to face him. "But I'm glad you did."
Before I had a chance to digest that, I was pulled into a hug. "I'm not gonna leave you Seto. You don't have to worry about that."
Currently in my state of obedience, I had nothing else to say other than, "You won't?"
"Of course not." Jou leaned out of the hug and looked me in the face. I drank in his forgiving features thirstily. But I didn't have much time to satisfy myself before Katsuya locked my lips into another kiss, this one much more heated than the last. I readily welcomed the familiar taste of his saliva.
We remained there in front of the door for a period of time. I wish I remembered if it was long or short, but I really do not. All I remember is the taste of him and what I felt, a gigantic mass of emotions that took me all kinds of places. None of them places I did not want to be.
I don't remember there being a time when we readily decided to stop kissing, but we must have been because the next thing I fully recollect after that is sitting on the floor in Jou's lap, his arms wrapped around my figure protectively. I think I have a distinct word for what it felt like, as well.
Comfort.
A/N: Wow, what a short chapter. I think it's about five pages shorter than my last, but I had a lot more to say then. When I started writing this chapter, I really did not plan on writing any actual romance scenes in it. I planned on drawing it out for a few more chapters. But that's just not what happened when I set pen to paper, (or fingers to keys, as it is, I suppose). Sorry if anyone thought it was OOC, maybe it was. But I did my best with it, if that's not good enough I give you permission to crucify me—just as long as you leave the story alone. (Take me not my story.)
I hope you guys noticed some of the dream sequence I added. Ugh I think I'm giving too much away here…it was not supposed to be that obvious…oh well. If anyone figures it out then you figure it out. (gives props) And, yes, Seto and Jou do have a roller coaster relationship, their emotions peak to highest intensity and then drop to annoyance in a matter of minutes. But that's a good part of the SxJ pairing, I think. What do you think of it? I'm not sure about it.
Sorry I'm not that livid in this post-chapter notes section. You see my grandmother died last night I'm actually in a state of semi-disarray myself. But it was good to write.
Review if you deem this chapter worthy enough. I look forward to reading your comments, as always.