FROM THE ASHES

Chapter 13

Obiwan went to pay a visit to Padme. She let him in without reservations. "How is Anakin?" Were the first words out of her mouth.

"Why don't you go check on him for yourself?"

She looked down. "I don't think I should."

"Padme, he's hurting, and I don't mean his leg."

"You said yourself he didn't want me to come only out of sympathy. Well, that's all it would be." She turned her back on him.

"You don't mean that."

"Yes I do."

He tried to turn her around by the shoulder, but she refused to face him. "Obiwan, I've been dealing with some dark thoughts myself."

"Tell me about them, Padme, let me help you."

This time she did turn around, and motioned for him to sit on the sofa next to her. "Obwan, I have been thinking things I am ashamed of, but I can't help it. I feel guilty about them."

"How bad could it be?"

"Obiwan, I have thought, I have felt...that Anakin deserved his punishment."

"What? You were glad he was hurt?"

"Not 'glad', but, I did kind of think that he got what he deserved, and after that I was able to feel sorry for him in his suffering because he had paid for his actions with his own flesh. But now.."

"Padme, are you telling me you wanted Anakin to stay blind for the rest of his life?"

"He had all those injuries, burns, his lungs damaged, and his eyes, he said himself he deserved to have to live his life in the dark because of what he did."

"But didn't you tell him that was wrong?"

"I did, but I can't help feeling he was right. Being blind was a big punishment for him, I could somewhat deal with what he had done as long as he was paying for it."

"Padme, I can't believe I'm hearing this."

"I knew I shouldn't have told you."

"No, it's good you did. We must get through all of our emotions to clear everything up. Anakin needs to do the same. So, do you mean to say that once he had his sight back you were angry at him because he was no longer punished for his deeds?"

Her lips were quivering. "Y-yes, in a way. Mostly, it was because I had accepted him back and pitied him because of his injuires and how he was paying for his crimes. To find out that he had gotten better, and didn't tell me, I thought he was using me, like maybe somehow through the force or something he knew how I felt, so he had to keep up his act."

"I do think he didn't tell us because of his fears, but I don't think that is it. Believe me, if it were, he'd have sensed it and told me."

"Obiwan, I said terrible things to him, but I admit I was thinking them. Was I too hard on him?"

"Padme, Anakin is not healed of all his wounds from that night. He is suffering emotionally, he is guilt ridden, he hates himself. Yoda and I know and have told him it was the dark side, it was Palpatine.."

"He did it, he did it himself!"

"That is true, Padme, but he was consumed by the dark side and it made him do things Anakin would never do. Anakin hates himself for what Darth Vader did. That young man lying in the med center is not Darth Vader, he never really was."

"Then how..why.."

"Padme, do you know why Anakin turned to the dark side? I didn't even know it then, but I do now. He did it because of the nightmares of losing you and the babies, he did it for you! I know he was evil, but I had thought he only turned because of the Jedi not appreciating him, and because he wanted more power. Knowing that he did it for love made me see it a different way. It is not excusable by any means, but I know he didn't want it, and now he is tortured by it. He was driven to it out of desperation. Who knows how each of us would deal with the situation he was faced with?"

"I know I'd never cross the line like he did!"

"Don't be too sure, Padme, you never know what lies in store for us. I am not judging him so easily.."

"You think that is what I am doing?"

"Perhaps because I can sense his feelings, I know how deeply he regrets it, and how much he hurts. If you love him, you must try to do the same"

"Is he really that sorry?"

"You have no idea. So much that he's shutting everything out." His voice had become louder with each exchange. She was surprised he was bothering to make excuses for Anakin, and she was suprised at herself that she no longer could. What was right? She looked down at her feet and sadly shook her head.

"I don't know what I feel anymore, Obiwan."

"Do you love Anakin?" He asked, and she looked up at him.

"I don't know." She would not look him in the eye as he left.

When he was gone, she contacted her mother on Naboo and told her she was coming home for a few days, she needed some time to think, and she needed to be near the babies. She had sent the babies to Naboo so she could settle things with Anakin, but as time went by, she found she wasn't ready to reconcile with him and didn't feel like he deserved it. Obiwan went back to the temple saddened by what he had heard. If even he as a Jedi could understand where Anakin was right now and forgive him, why couldn't she? He wondered if their love was really as deep as it had seemed, or was it only physical attraction and a youthful obsession that was wearing off? It saddened him to think of this, and the innocent babies involved. Speaking with Yoda, he was in agreement with Obiwan, and was most troubled over the situation. He again encouraged Anakin to return to his home at the temple. He was going to need help in more ways than one.

Anakin had read all his books and was now resorted to letting his own morbid thoughts consume him. He was staring out the window when a therapy droid came in and ordered him to stand up. He was afraid to, but he sat up on he edge of the bed and put his good leg on the ground. He held the bad one out, it was still too stiff at the knee to bend. Taking the crutches, he willed himself to move a short distance. This wasn't so bad, he thought. He wasy tired of laying around anyway. In a day or two, he was working his way down the hallway nicely. He ventured further, and came to the ward of the hospital where the patients from the Naboo hospital that had committed the eye scandal had been brought. He was chilled to his core to look upon them all, their eyes scarred or even missing, fumbling their ways about in the dark or lying in misery and self pity on their beds. The droid who had treated his eyes noticed him and went to him. "Master Skywalker, I see you are back, how are your eyes?"

"They are all right now, thank you. Your treatment worked well. I can see as clearly now as I could before I was injured."

"That is good."

"Have any of these other being been helped by your formula?"

"It was too late, I am sorry to say. The other hospital treated them wrong, and the time had passed in which their sight could be saved."

"You said the same thing of me, yet my eyes healed."

"You are the only one, Master Skywalker. We have had a 1 success rate re-treating after the botched treatments on Naboo. You are the 1.You must be a very special one."

Anakin's spine shivered. A special one...The Chosen One.. perhaps there was something more profound involved here. He was overcome by the feeling, yet looking around the room he felt intense pain for all of those who had needlessly lost their eyes and could not be healed. He noticed one little boy, crying as he was having trouble reaching things the droid was trying to teach him about. How could anyone do something so bad to a child? his mind thought, followed by another cold chill as he remembered what he had done to children. He closed his eyes and wanted to sccream. He couldn't get the pictures out of his head or the feeling out of his heart, and he hated it. There would neve be anything to purge his regrets. He wanted to fall to the ground and cry.

Anakin heard a familiar Gungan voice mumblng, and opened his eyes instinctively to see where it was coming from. Across the room he thought he saw, could it be, Jar Jar Binks? He moved slowly and carefully on his crutches until he ws close enough to the bed to read the chart. Sure enough, it said Jar Jar Binks. Anakin looked closely at his uncovered eyes. They were cloudy and scarred, as his had been, though he had not been able to see them at the time. Anakin cringed and closed his eyes at the sight. He moved to the side of the bed and sat down in a chair, leaning his crutches against a nearby table. "Jar Jar, is that you?" He asked softly.

Binks tried to turn his head toward the sound, but it floated around in the dark he was enveloped in. "Ani? Ani?" He asked in a hopeful voice, his arms grabbing out into the air. Anakin watched his helpless movements with much empathy. He reached over and took Jar Jar's hand in his hands and pulled them calmy to rest on Jar Jar's stomach.

"Yes, Jar Jar, it's me, I'm here."

"Oh Ani, meesa can't see you, meesa blind!"

"I'm sorry, Jar Jar, what happened to you?"

"Onesa my constituents who blameda me for de war, he throwsa acid in meesa face!"

Anakin closed his own eyes and grimaced at the thought. "You are in the best place now, that other place on Naboo, it was crooked, Padme has taken care of that."

"Meesa know. Theysa send meesa here."

"They helped me, I hope they can help you too."

"Yousa blind too?"

"I was."

"Yousa can see now?"

"Yes, I can. But I was blind and this place healed my eyes, so don't give up."

"Meesa won't."

Anakin smiled and le go of his hand with a final squeeze of friendship. "I have to get back to my bed, I'm a patient too, you know. My leg needed an operation."

"Oh, no, meesa sorry Ani, yousa take care."

"You do the same Jar Jar. I will be back to visit you soon." Quietly, Anakin scanned the entire room of blind beings, feeling their pain, hoping tor their recovery, and again thankful he was not among them anymore. He picked up his crutches and made his way back to his own room at the med center.

The next days passed with Anakin mostly alone, with brief visits from Obiwan. Anakin avoided discussing Padme or he Jedi temple. At one point, he told Obiwan he was staying at the hospital to work as a therapist.

"A therapist, is it? What training and qualification do you have to make them hire you?"

"I was blind for two months. I learned a different way of seeing thngs.I became quite good at compensating in many ways. While I am relieved I didn't have to do it for the rest of my life, I feel I can be of assistence to those who do. I want to stay and help these poor blind beings cope with their darkness." Obiwan tried hard to hold back a chuckle. Anakin gave him a dirty look. "You don't think I'm serious, do you? I can do it." By now, Obiwan was full out laughing.

"Anakin, you should have seen yourself stumbling over things, knocking things over, you made a terrible blind man."

Anakin didn't want to laugh, but couldn't help it. "You're right, I was awful at being blind."

"I want you to know I didn't laugh then, and I wouldn't laugh now but that I know you are cured. I really don't think therapy is the right career path for you."

Anakin stopped laughing and looked down. "I guess you're right. I was good at feeling things with my hands, but not getting around. I would like to be able to help those beings from Naboo, I feel so bad for them. I feel so guilty their eyes didn't heal and mine did."

"Anakin, you are consumed by guilt, for many things. You need to work this out or you will lose your mind. When you are released, I want you to come back..."

"Obiwan, we've been through this a lot. I am not going back to the temple." Obiwan sighed and gave up, for the moment. "Obiwan, did you know Jar Jar Binks is among those unfortunate blinded beings from Naboo?"

Obiwan's face saddened. "Oh, no, Anakin, poor Jar Jar." Obiwan helped Anakin with his crutches as they both went to visit their old friend. Nothing had changed, or seemed likely to, and they were both sad to see him in such a condition. Shaking their heads in sadness, they finally left him.

The next day, Anakin was to be released. The droids told him to dress and gather his few belongings, he was going home. Home he pondered the word. He had never really had a home like most people do. As a child he lived in no more than slave quarters wherever he had to. As a Jedi he lived at the temple. Then he had lived, at least partly, with Padme. Other times, he was here and there across the galaxy. He had no home. He didn't know what he was going to do. He had made up his mind boldy that he was going to stumble out of the med center on his crutches and live in the streets, or if there was a shelter for homeless beings he might find a bed. He wasn't going back to Padme or the temple. Obiwan came into Anakin's room as he was done packing, standing up leaning on one crutch. He could put his injured leg down now, but it was very difficult and painful to step on it. He'd need more therapy and time to heal. "Let's go, Anakin. I've come to take you home."

"I have no home, Obiwan."

"You know what I mean." Obiwan stared him in the eyes.

"Obiwan, I am not coming back to the temple."

"Where will you go?"

"That's my problem."

"Anakin, I'm afraid you may not have a choice. I was informed by the droids in charge that it is their policy never to release anyone unless they have somewhere to go. They have had lawsuits from people who left here and ended up on the streets, worse off than before.So you see, you are going to have to have someone claim responsibility for you."

"I will not have that. I am responsible for myself."

"Nevertheless, you must have a place to go. I have nowhere to take you but back to where I live, and you know what that means."

"No, Obiwan."

"I hate to say it Anakin but I have the advantage here. You must let me sign you out and take you home." Anakin was silent for a few minutes, looking around the room, thinking.

"If they won't let me stay here, I will go with you if I must, but you will not get me back inside that Jedi temple." The two stared intensely at each other. The droid gave the release, and Obiwan and Anakin left the med center together, headed in the direction of the Jedi temple.