FROM THE ASHES

Chapter 14

Anakin rode in silence sitting next to Obiwan. He stared out at the city but tried to avoid looking in the direction of the temple. He knew with his knee surgery he would be unable to escape, and the feelings of dread compounded in his mind until they were overwhelming. He started to shake. "I can't do it, Obiwan. You don't understand, I can't..

"Yoda would say there is no can't."

"Yoda doesn't understand. No one does. This is something inside me, I can't stop it." The vehcile landed, and Obiwan climbed out. He walked over to Anakin's side to help him out, but he was frozen by fear. Touching his arm, Obiwan could feel him trembling As he looked at the temple, Anakin's face distorted and he started to make a strange sound. "Come on, Anakin, the worst part will be the first time. It will get better, I promise."

"No!" Anakin screamed as he slapped Obiwan's hands away, flailing his arms wildly. Terror and panic had taken Anakin over, and he was paralyzed by it, mentally and physically. Obiwan sensed this, and came to realize it was going to be harder than he thought.He was ashamed of himself for thinking it, but he was glad Anakin was unable to run away, because he certainly would have.

"Anakin, if it bothers you so much to enter the temple the way you did that night, I can take you through another entrance. Let me get you into your old quarters and into your bed, can you at least allow me that? You must have place to stay during your convelescence. You can't hide forever." He didn't even know if Anakin heard or comprehended a word he said. Anakin was in some sort of trance like state his own mind had created to avoid the situation. Obiwan let the spell play out, and it led to Anakin fainting over in his seat. Obiwan felt for his pulse and breathing, and finding him alive and stable, picked him up, bent him over his shoulder and carried him into the temple by way of a side entrance, straight to his old quarters and into his old bed. Anakin Skywalker, Chosen One, fulfiller of the ancient prophecy, had finally returned to the Jedi temple, though not exactly of his own free will.

Padme had made her way to Naboo, and was sitting back home in her parents' house. When her mother asked her what was wrong, she broke down and cried, telling her everything. Her sister was there, too, and the three of them had a good cry. To Padme's surprise, they both thought her feelings toward him were a bit unfair, even considering everything, yet they supported her in whatever she would decide to do. Through tear stained eyes, they all looked over at the babies, cooeing softly and kicking, shaking their fists. These were Anakin's babies too, this all involved him. "Padme, darling, you are going to have to go back and face him, tell him everything you feel, talk it out."

"I know, mother, but I don't feel there is anything left to say.Anakin committed terrible crimes. He should actually face charges for them."

"You'd send your own husband to jail?"

"Anyone else should go, why not him? Since it was all a part of the war, it might not be considered murder. Then he and Obiwan killed Palpatine and those two clones..."

Her mother was shocked. "Padme, don't you see they had to? Anakin turned around and did the right thing, he deserves that much consideration."

"Yes, they'd probably just let him off on temporary insanity anyway. He deserves to be punished. As long as he was hurt or at least blind that was punishment enough. Now, I don't think he deserves to go on living a normal life after..."

"I don't think you really mean that. Anakin is such a sweet boy, and he loves you so. Please, give him a chance to tell you how he's feeling. Don't shut him out. Look at those babies, he is their father. It's the right thing to do." Padme looked at the babies, and images of beautiful, loving, happy Anakin came to mind, and all of their lives and love together. She tried not to let her emotions rule her, though in a way that is what she was doing by turning against him. Her mother was right, she needed to work it out.

"I don't feel up to it right now, can I please rest here a day or two first?"

"Aren't you doing the same thing he is doing, hiding, avoiding?"

She knew her mother was right. "I promise I will go back and try to talk to him. I just need time to think."

"Okay, dear." Her mother kissed her forehead. "I understand. I know you will do what is right, you always have."

The holonet news had come on, and there was another big story on the scandal at the hospital. This time it said the owner and mastermind, greedy Naboo businessman Gerapeline had escaped from prison with a few of his cronies, and there was an all points bulletin for them throughout Naboo and neighboring systems! . Padme knew he'd blame her since she was the one who worked against him, so looked at this news with much fear. "Oh, Mother!" She cried. "You don't suppose he'll be out for revenge, do you? Maybe I should get the babies out of here, he might come for me!"

"Now, Padme, don't be so upset yet, I am sure if there is any danger one of your advisors will let you know.We'll ask Capt. Tyhpo"

"You're right. But don't take any chances, keep them away from windows and don't take them shopping with you. Gerapaline is a terrible man, I don't know what he might want to do to me."

"You did the right thing having his hospitals investigated and shut down, they were harming beings wrongly!"

"I know, but people like him, they don't think about that, only what you did to them. Mother, I'm afraid." She put her head on her mother's shoulder and cried like a little girl. She wished she still had her strong, brave, devoted Jedi husband's arms around her. She would feel so much safer if he were there to protect her and the babies.

Anakin awoke in his old Jedi temple quarters room. As soon as his eyes showed him his location, he closed them again and for a second wished himself still blind. He didn't want to see it, the place where he had committed his march of terror. He didn't want to be there, to feel the bad energy and tortured victims through the force. He again turn pale and his hands started shaking. He knew he was unable to run away because of his leg. Obiwan and Yoda had him where they wanted him. While it was for the best and he was safe there, he could not stand it. He pounded a fist against the wall in frustration. Hearing this, Obiwan knocked and entered his room. "Good morning." He smiled. Anakin turned and gave him a sarcastic look.

"There's nothing good about it."

"Could be worse."

"I'm sure it will be. Obiwan, please don't make me go- down there-- where.."

"It's all right, Anakin, calm down. Yoda and I have decided you needn't face that part of the temple yet. You just get well and heal your body and mind, and everything will work out in time. Yoda wants you to begin your meditations as soon as you feel able."

"I am not able today."

"We will try tommorrow then. Come on and get up, Anakin. There is urgent Jedi business I need your consultation on.

"I'm not a Jedi anymore."

Obiwan didn't feel like arguing this point with him. "Just the same, you were for many years, you will be able to help. Now, up at out of that bed you go, no more wallowing in pity."

"I will not go to..."

"You don't have to, Anakin. You might not make it there anyway as slow as you are! Here, come to the quarters to the room across the hallway." Anakin got his crutches and carefully maneuvered his way behind Obiwan. When he entered the room, he saw Tal, Obiwan's young apprentice, sitting in a chair. Obiwan was attempting to cut his hair. "Anakin, I need your help. I don't seem to remember exactly what a Padawan cut looked like, and how to do it. Can you help me?"

Anakin started to laugh. "Remember? I have tried to forget! They were awful. I have a great idea, how about we end that tradition today?"

Tal smiled and shook his head yes. "No, my young Padawan," Obiwan told him, 'if I had to endure such a hairstyle so do you." Tal looked disappointed.

"Wait, Obiwan," Anakin said. "Why? How about start today, now, fresh, and make the order over. I say forget about the Padawan cut. It doesn't matter what hairstyle a padawan has, does it?"

"You know, Anakin, I really don't see any reason to disagree with you. Though what will Yoda say?"

"Yoda has no right to say, he's never had any hair, he didn't have to put up with it!" They all three laughed.

"Does this mean you're not gonna do it?" Tal said with a smile.

"No, Tal, I won't!"

"Yippee!" He said as he stood up and cast off the sheet from around his shoulders.Tal laughed and ran off to another part of the temple, leaving Anakin and Obiwan alone.

Anakin looked gloomily at himself in the mirror. He dug both hands into his hair and ran them down through it, then gathered up all that had grown back since he was hurt into his fists. His hair was even curlier and more golden than before, thick and full around his head and now came about halfway down his long neck, laying in curls.. "Obiwan, while you've got the utensils out, I want you to cut off all my hair. Here, grab this and chop it all off.."

"What? Anakin, you were so upset at having your hair burn, and having the droids cut it. You couldn't wait for it to grow back, now you want to cut it all off?"

"I changed my mind. Here, go ahead, cut it off, please." His voice didn't sound sincere.

"Anakin, I don't think this is what you want to do. It's grown out this much, if you cut it off again you know you'll be sorry."

Anakin stared at himself in the mirror with all his hair pulled tightly, then let loose of it, running his fingers back through it until was arranged quite beautifully. "You're right, Obiwan. I don't want my hair cut. I look better like this..Thanks for talking me out of it. You saved me from myself. What was I thinking?"

"I know what you were thinking, that you were going to cut it to spite Padme."

Anakin turned and stared at him. "You sensed that, did you? I was thinking how she'd really like how my hair looks now, but she's..." He drifted off into his own depressing thoughts.

"Anakin, you share two beautiful children, you have to.."

"Not another word, Obiwan. Please." Anakin raised his hand. Obiwan couldn't bring himself to tell Anakin Padme has actually said she thought he deserved to be blind as a punishment, that would be too hard on him right now.

Obiwan got Anakin as far as the old eating hall. The three of them sat alone, listening to every sound coming off the walls. "I can't stand it, Obiwan, I'm going back to my room." He struggled to get up and got his crutches moving as fast as they could. He went back into his room and shut the door. Obiwan followed, bringing his meal.

"Here, Anakin, you must eat something, it will help your leg heal. You need your strength." Anakin was sitting on his bed, his arms squeezing his stomach, very pale, mouth in a grimace.

"Obiwan, when I see Tal.. when we were talking about fresh starts.. that's because.. everyone else is DEAD! Obiwan those other kids are dead because of me, the Jedi were purged because of Palpatine, and to think I went along with it.. killed some good Jedi right here.. I don't belong here, I am not worthy, and I can't take it. Please, don't make me spend another night here. I try so hard to put it out of my mind, in the day, it's bad enough, but when it gets dark, I know I'm going to get worse. I'm losing my mind! Please Obiwan let me go!"

"Go where, Anakin? You won't go to Padme's and you can't go out onto the streets."

"What about an inn or some boarding house?"

"I have no currency for such things, and neither do you!"

"Is there someone left on some planet I can stay with for a time?"

"Anakin, running away is not going to help anything! You have to at least stay here until you can walk again."

"And then I can go?"

"Where will you go?"

"I was thinking, I can go back to Tatooine"

"You hate Tatooine!"

"I changed my mind. I like Tatooine. I want to live in Mos Eisley and become a gambler. I can beat all those crooks by using the force to manipulate their minds in games. I can get rich!"

"Anakin, you can't be serious! Your gifts were never meant to be used for such wretched deeds."

"Those criminals deserve it, what ever they have they took from someone else. My 'gifts' in the force were also not meant for what deeds I committed.. here..." He was turning cold again, and his eyes were glassy and shifting around. Obiwan was becoming concerned.

"Anakin, are you all right?" He didn't answer, he only started to cry, as much as he tried not to.

"No, I'm not." He strained to say. "I never will be again."

Obiwan put his arms around his brother and held him as he let it all out. "I'm here for you, Anakin." He promised. "I'm going to help you."

In the far side of the temple, Yoda sensed Anakin's plight. He got on his hoverchair and headed in that direction. He used the force to open Anakin's chamber door and floated inside. Anakin looked up from his depression. "Master Yoda, I know I have failed you and disappointed you. I am not worthy to be here in this temple." He bowed his head. Yoda shook his sadly

"Young Skywalker, fulfill the prophecy you did. Destroy the Sith you did. Proud I am of you."

"Proud? What about what happened, all those Jedi, the younglings, Master Windu, I am so ashamed..."

"Understand I do. You it was not, Darth Vader it was. Killed Darth Vader you did."

"I never thought of it that way."

"Killed you did the evil in you which carried out the plans. Pure again you are."

"No, I don't feel that, I feel suffering, I don't deserve to be freed of my guilt."

"Guilt you may always feel. Pain you may always feel. Physical pain heals, emotional pain not. Two kinds of pain there are."

"That's right, there is. I only wish everyone understood that." He put his head down, thinking of Padme. Obiwan looked on in concern.

"I don't mean to use this for another set of crutches. If you don't really believe it, don't say it."

"If believe it I did not say it I would not. Forgiven in the force you are, forgive yourself you now must."

"I cannot, ever."

"Face your fears you must. Always, much fear you had, fear you still have. Fears you must face, see that touch you they cannot, and rise above this you will." Anakin was honored and humbled by Yoda's explainations.

"Thank you, I will try to make myself worthy of all you have said of me."

"Try to overcome this crippling prison isnide your head and soul you must."

"I will try, I will try."

Another week went by and Anakin's therapy was going nicely. He was able to walk slowly using only his temporary knee brace without the crutches. He preferred spending time at the hospital instead of the temple, doing his therapy and visiting with Jar Jar and the other blinded beings from Naboo. At the temple, he kept to himself in his quarters, and had been meditating on his inner problems. One day, Obiwan noticed him walking almost normally down the and begged him to try to face his fears in the other part of the temple. Anakin felt stronger physically and mentally, so he took a deep breath and went along. When they got there, he froze again. "I can't see, Obiwan!"

"Don't try to pull that again, aren't we done with that routine?"

"I'm serious, Obiwan. I'm not blind, I can see you, I can see everything else, but...that..I think my mind is blocking it out, like you said before." Obiwan rolled his eyes, but searching Anakin's feelings, which he left wide open purposely, he knew it to be true. Anakin started to shake again. "I can't face it, my mind, something in my subconscious won't let me." He broke down again, much to Obiwan's dismay.

"All right, Anakin. We'll stop for now. But this is 'therapy' too and you're going to have to face it. I do hope something will happen to make this better for you, or to give you the will and strength to overcome it."

More time passed, and while Anakin's leg improved, his mental problems did not. He remained emotionally crippled by fear, regret, and depression. He was still unable to face anything that upset him without going into a deep panic.

Padme continued to fear the worst about Gerapaline, but everyone told her that her fears were unfounded, he was likely long gone somewhere else in the galaxy, or even the outer rim. He wasn't stupid enough to hang around Naboo. She almost believed them, until the day she came home from a day of duties and found the front door of her family home blasted! Inside, her father lay dead on the floor, a blaster blow through his face. Her mother and the twins were nowhere to be seen. Shaken with fear and agony and sadness, she broke down and cried. Then she felt something inside of her raging. Let it turn to something else she told herself. Rising up, she stared at her father's body, then out the window, raising her fist. "Whoever did this, you are dead, do you hear me? You killed my father, I will kill you. You have my mother and my babies. You will not take them from me!"