FROM THE ASHES

Chapter 29

Before Padme was ready to face her parent's house, packages were delivered to the door. Government servants had wasted no time in clearing out all her personal belongings. The furniture had not yet been transported, but was supposed to be shipped later. It upset her they wouldn't even allow her to go through her own things. Sola allowed it all to be stored in her basement until Padme decided where she was going to live. She cried as she looked through it all, especially the babies' things, knowing she could never go back to her penthouse again. She knew there had to be some penalty for what had occured, and it could have been worse, but surely everyone on Naboo knew her well enough not to hold it against her. There were always those who relished in a scandal and the downfall of others, they must be the ones that Queen Apailana was concerned about. She wanted a representative with a spotless reputation, and Padme no longer had one. Neither did Jar Jar. Padme did have to consider who on Naboo did, after the recent Gerapaline revelations. It seemed half the business and officials were in some way tied to him or one of his cronies.

She also wondered about Bail Organa, and if his career would survive the botched adoption. His wife was the Queen of Alderaan so she'd make exceptions for him, but what would the people say? Would it really be right for his political career to survive and not hers? Just as she thought that, a story came on the holovid news in Sola's house. It seems that Organa had planned to run for Chancellor, but was stepping down amid clamor about his possible involvement with Gerapaline. Though he didn't do it intentionally, as Padme didn't, a scandal was enough to ruin your name. Organa would keep his Senate position, but not be able to seek higher office in the Galactic Republic.

"What a shame and a loss it is." Sola commented. "You and he were two of the best, most honest and truly caring people the government ever had."

Padme looked away sadly. She knew it was true, though found herself feeling guilty over being glad he didn't get off completely unscathed. "I'm sure others have done much worse, they just haven't been caught yet. I'm starting to agree with Anakin, I don't trust most politicians, either. Too much temptation for corruption. And all I tried to do was stop corruption...look what happened to me..."

The news did say that Mon Mothma was going to run for Chancellor, and that made her feel better. The Republic would be in good and capable hands with her in charge. Padme would vote for her, but felt that campaigning might taint Mothma's reputation with her now disgraced name, so she had better stay completely out of the political arena, as sad as that made her.

On Coruscant, Anakin had promised Obiwan to face the temple regions in the morning, after he had rested and meditated. He awoke to the sound of sirens and fire planes. Running to look out a window, he stared across the city skyline and saw smoke pouring from the top of Padme's apartment building! He went outside, kept running and got closer, where a crowd had gathered to watch.

"What happened?" He asked a passing firefighter.

"It was Senator Amidala's penthouse apartment! A drunk speeder driver went out of control and crashed through the skylight, just before dawn. Hit nose first into the bed and exploded on impact. Good think no one was home, anyone in that bed would surely have been killed."

Anakin's heart jumped, and he felt a strange bubble in the force. Staring up at the devastation, smoke billowing high out of the skylight, he recalled how he had often joked Padme that something like that might happen, and now it had. He was shaken to the core by the irony that their eviction had been for the best after all, it had literally come just in time to save their lives! Either way, it was lost forever, they would never look through the skylight again, never gaze at the city through the windows or off the veranda, but now, at least they were all four alive! The fire damage was extensive. The penthouse apartment could not be saved. By the time the flames and smoke had cleared, only a charred outline was seen in the spot where it had once graced the skyline. Anakin stared at it for awhile longer, memories filling his mind, tears filling his eyes. Then he turned away. Part of the past was gone, but there might be something better found to take its place.

Going back to the temple, Master Yoda, who rarely came down that way, met Anakin at his quarters door. "Moves in strange ways, the force does, Young Skywalker. Your destiny it was not to live in the apartment, your destiny it was also not to die there. Work out in your favor, it has. Believe I do you and your family will find peace." Anakin stared at Yoda in awe with widened eyes and a respectful expression.

"Yes, Master. Very profound wisdom. Thank you." Then he asked what he had been afraid to. "Master Yoda, am I still a Jedi, though you know I am married and have a family?"

"Follow you must the path meant for you. Take that both places it does. One of us you remain."

"Though I betrayed the Order to the darkside in my shame? Am I worthy of this temple, or my title of Jedi Knight?"

"Jedi Knight your title is not."

Anakin wasn't sure what he meant.If he was not put out of the order, why could he not be called a Jedi Knight? "What?"

"Master, your title is. Chosen One, you are. Forgiven, you are. Told you this, I did? Hmm? Or was it Obiwan I told? Tell you now, I do."

A broad smile spread across Anakin's face and his blue eyes sparkled. Others had called him Master as a general way of addressig a Jedi, but it had no real meaning if a member of the council didn't bestow the title officially on you. "Thank you, Master Yoda. I will do my best to be worthy."

Obiwan had been listening, and now appeared and spoke. "Come along, Master Skywalker." He smiled encouragingly. "We're going into the heart of the Temple."

Anxiety filled Anakin as he walked along the stone passageways he had known since childhood. As the area where he had slayed many Jedi approached, so did his panic. "Obiwan, I can't, I..."

Obiwan grasped his wrists. "You must, Anakin, this is all that remains for your full recovery. The longer you wait the harder it will be to ever do it. Give it all you have, my brother, draw from strength in the force. I am here with you." Anakin continued ahead, his body covered in sweat, his pulse pounding in his head and body. "I cannot look upon it, I can't.."

"Yoda would say, there is no can't. I do know how much this place upsets you and that is only more proof that you are full of regret and sorrow for your deeds! We all know that. Let yourself know it. You must face it."

On Naboo, the twins and Sola's girls had been left with a reliable servant while the two sisters went to face the spectre of their former happy family home. As soon as they saw it, Padme broke down, covering her face with both hands. "This is it." She whimpered. "Gerapaline grabbed me, right there." She took her hands down to point, and Sola saw that her mouth was wide open in terror and a frozen cry that couldn't come out. She stomped heavily and unhappily along, through the doorway, which had been sealed since the crime had occured. "I can't do it, I can't go inside!"

Sola consoled her sister with a sad smile and a hug. "We can do this. Think of all the good times we had here growing up, think of the happy moments, Father and Mother would like that." Try as she might to be brave, she was much too disturbed. Sola had not been here when it happened, and as much as she may try to be understanding or put herself in Padme's place, there was no comparison. Coming through the front door, Padme screamed. She saw the spot where her father had lay dead, and for moment she thought she saw it again.

"He was there, he was...(whispered) dead.."

"I know, I know," Sola was beginning to cry too, but held tight to Padme. Standing in the middle of the room, she started to thrash madly and scream.

"Get me out of here, I can't.. all I can see is death and pain...all the good is gone... NO!"

Her screaming face could easily morph into Anakin's in the Jedi temple, for the same thing was happening to him. Opening his eyes, and letting himself see the scene of the slaughter for the first time since he returned from the dark side, Anakin was breaking down. "NO! It was, here.. there... I did it.. I can't...let me go.." He tried to turn and run, but Obiwan pulled him back.

"It's over, you have to face it."

"I can't, ever.." Anakin dropped to his knees, eyes closed and head down. "I can't get the memories out of my head, I..killed them! They trusted me! They took me for one of them, one who was going to help, and I betrayed them in the worst and most shameful possible ways." Now his head raised, but his eyes were still closed, though rimmed with tears, and his mouth locked in clenched teeth. Now his fists pounded the floor until he fell face down onto it, screaming. His screams grew louder and louder, echoing through the mostly empty temple. Obiwan said nothing, he let Anakin get it all out. Perhaps this was not in his Jedi training, but it was what was in his mind, and he needed it. Yoda heard the tortured screams in his chambers, and knew what it meant. His head hung low. He felt the disturbance in the force, and let it continue. Tal was in his chamber, asked not to come out no matter what happened. Anakin was suffering so much, Obiwan feared his heart or blood vessels in his head might break. It seemed to be the only therapy that was going to help him.

His screams could have merged in unision with those of his wife, so far away, but experiencing much the same. She was also on the floor, head down, fists pounding. People outside came to see what was going on, and Sola brushed them away with her hand. Returning to Padme, she spoke to her.

"Padme, no matter how many times you see this room, nothing is ever going to take away what happened here. You must face it, or let it defeat you."

Padme sat up and faced Sola. "Is that what you told the girls? If it's this hard for me, imagine what it must be like for them. They are traumatized, all of us are. There is no denying that. I feel it is cruel to make us face this place."

"I would not do anything cruel to you or my daughters, Padme. If you are ever to live here, you must face your fear, and sadness, and horrible memories, so you can get over them and move on."

Padme stared at her. "Sola, you weren't here. I know you want what is best for us, but I see no purpose in putting us through this. I cannot live in this house. Ever."

When Anakin calmed down, Obiwan checked on him to make sure he had not passed out. He could feel and sense his pain, and his body shaking. "Obiwan, I never want to see this place again. There is nothing I can do to change what I did here, oh if only I could..." Then he thought of something that had entered his mind when he was injured, and thought he deserved it as punishment. He opened his eyes and looked up at Obiwan. "Then this is my punishment. I must face this place, where these things happened, and feel the guilt and pain each day for the rest of my life. I don't deserve to get over it, Obiwan, I deserve to feel this guilt, remorse and regret. It is all I can do for them now. To forget it and 'get over it' would be unworthy and disrespectful to their memories."

"Anakin, don't do this to yourself. We all agree it wasn't you, but Vader, and the dark side. Anakin Skywalker, the man you were, the man you are again would never have done that!"

"I know, Obiwan, but my body did it, it's in my mind now, it's in my being. I hate that part of myself so much, and I will never let it emerge again. It is defeated. As for the pain I caused here, I will take a piece of it with me, always. I am scarred by it, I am haunted by it. It's my punishment, it's mine, it's mine." He looked again at Obiwan, then rose to his feet and walked slowly to the center of the room. There, he stood and cried, for all those lost at his hand, and the part of him lost there, too. He would never be free, he didn't even want to be. But he had faced it down, and come out on the other side. He continued to stare at Obiwan, who finally walked to his side and embraced him.

"I will always be here for you, my brother." Anakin embraced him back, still crying.

"I am not worthy of you, your support, and kindness. I thank you for it all." They stood together in silence for a long time, ghosts of the past and energy for the future swirling around them. Obiwan couldn't let go, not as lon as Anakin needed him. The contact, like the screaming, were the therapy he needed. He could never again be emotionally whole after his experiences, but he was going to make it.

Sola was doing the same for her sister as Obiwan was doing for his brother. She wrapped her arms around Padme, and allowed her to cry it out. "You're right, Padme, I can't expect you to live here. You did come back here, you faced it. But it was a terrible thing, one you will live with every day. I was hoping the happy memories of Father and Mother and our good years here would not be ruined for you."

"I hate to look at it that way, I would love to keep this house as a memorial to them, to raise my children in the same place where our parents' love warmed us. It hurts to know that they won't be here to see my twins grow up, they loved them so much!" She cried again, and this time Sola broke down, too.

"Do you need more time? Do you want to try again tommorrow?"

"I have mixed feelings. I don't want to come back here, but I don't want to lose this place. It's too much a part of me, and Mother and Father. In some ways they are here, and I need them."

"They will always be with you, dear, no matter where you are."

"Do you believe that?"

"Yes, I do, for myself as well. Padme, if you want, I can speak to an agent about selling this house. We can take the money and buy you and your family something else, maybe in the lake country. You always loved it there, and so did they."

"Will it be wrong to their memories to do that?"

"I think they'd understand."

"And still love me?"

"Of course.They always loved you."

"And I killed them! They both died because of me!"

"No, no, Padme, it wasn't your fault!"

"Yes it was, if not for me, Gerapaline never would have come for them.. You blame me, don't you? Admt it!"

Sola took Padme in her loving arms and held her close. "No, no, little sister, I do not think that, I never have, and I know Mother and Father wouldn't, either. Gerapaline was a bad man, you tried to stop him, you didn't know what would happen!"

"I- I didn't know, that's it, oh Sola, I'd never have done a thing to hurt them on purpose, I am so sorry.. I always will be...so sorry.."

Sola consoled her again, this time her comforting voice reminded Padme of how her mother had sounded to her when she was a child. She let Padme get it all out until she stopped crying, though she knew that the heartache and emotional scars would never completely heal.

"Sola, what happened to all their things, all our things that were here?"

"Still here, back in those rooms. I was hoping someday you'd be able to go through them with me."

Padme looked down the hall and shuddered with fear. "Let's go down there, now."

"Are you sure?"

"It's something I have to do."

Sola took Padme's hand, and together they walked back down the familiar hallways of their family home. She glanced at the same old furniture, the same old items that had been a part of their lives for years. They were all here, but her parents weren't. Again, Padme felt so much pain, and hated Gerapaline for what he'd done to them all. Her parents should still be here, still be around to see their grandchildren grow, to share years with them all. That had been taken from her, and replaced by a sadness and hurt that would never leave her. It was never, ever going to be completely all right again, but she had faced it, and come out on the other side.

Just like Anakin.

Somehow in the force, he could feel her grief too. They had been through so much, and it had become a part of them that made them what they were, as all life experiences do to everyone. There was no running from it, no making it go away. It was there, and they must live with it. It was now up to them to drag themselves up from the ashes of their ruined lives and make their future the best it could be, with what they had left.

coming next: the conclusion