How can everything Lena wants be so close and yet so far?
Almost everything she has ever desired is right in front of her, and yet without that one last piece of the puzzle, what she does have means nothing.
She's surrounded by people that love her and people she loves. They're happy, laughing even. She's laughing with them. Something is still missing.
Her.
She's right beside her, hand on Lena's arm as she cackles out a very unladylike laugh, and yet she's so far away because she can never be to Lena what she is to her.
She will never look at Lena the same way Lena looks at her, Lena's certain of that fact. She, of course, being the one and only Kara Danvers, her best friend and closest confidant.
The woman she's in love with. The woman she'll never have.
She's long since accepted that it will never happen. She'll never have the woman her heart yearns for in the deepest depths if the night and in the harshest rays of sunlight.
For what it's worth, Lena doesn't have to try all that hard to hide it because Kara is so utterly oblivious to her feelings that she'd be shellshocked if she ever found out and would likely not even believe it unless she was faced with undeniable proof.
It's the one silver lining, she gets to keep Kara to the fullest extent she can without having to put up that much of a front. Any gentle touches are marked as platonic, a kiss to the cheek is just a normal hello or goodbye. Every hug is nothing but a show of their friendship.
Alex is a problem though. Alex is so fucking annoying because she seems to know exactly what Lena is thinking at any time. It's something she can cope with the majority of the time but when Lena catches Alex's eye right after she's been looking at Kara, she knows she's been busted.
She always gets given that same knowing stare, the one she has gotten twice already tonight because she just can't keep her eyes off of Kara. She just looks too cute tonight.
As soon as she walked into Kara's loft earlier in the evening, Lena was greeted with the delicious sight of Kara in what can only be described as the most adorable Christmas sweater ever made. It is black and white and has a little hood with an orange beak and googly eyes attached so whoever is wearing it looks like a penguin and Kara Danvers is a delightful penguin.
After the second time she got caught by Alex's watchful gaze, Lena just tried her best not to look in Kara's direction, busying herself with talking to the others, catching up with Eliza and Kelly mostly.
It's much harder than Lena thought it would be to stay away, even just keeping her eyes away from her when she can feel Kara's own gaze piercing the side of her face is hard. The magnetic pull between them that makes her want to be with her every minute of everyday is hard to ignore.
Kara seems to know that she's been keeping her distance too, the pout and puppy dogs eyes are assaulting her out of the corner of her eye and it's impossible to stop her heart breaking just a little bit at the sight.
Lena is snapped out of her own mini sulk over it when Eliza grabs her forearm with a gentle squeeze. "Lena, honey, go talk to her before she starts crying."
"What?"
"I know my daughter, and I like to think that I know you too. You two are usually attached to the hip so I don't understand why you're keeping your distance, however, I can see that both of you are miserable, so go talk to her."
Lena shakes her head, looking down at the drink in her hand. It's Eliza's special eggnog recipe. "I don't think I can."
Eliza huffs a little. "I think you can, I just think you're scared of getting your heart broken and that fear is keeping you from doing what makes you happy. I can't say it's the same for Kara because honestly, I don't think she even knows what her feelings are for you, but I can assure you, she does have feelings for you."
Lena hears Eliza's words. She can understand them. She can't accept them. That's a can of worms that she isn't ready to open and may never be ready for. With a fluid motion, she downs the rest of her drink.
Eliza notices the apprehension in Lena's body, the way every muscle in her body has tensed and tries to alleviate the stress she's brought upon the young woman she's become really quite fond of. "Listen, why don't you just go have a normal night, enjoy yourself and think what I said over? Nothing has to be done or said today, this is a happy time, be happy. That's all I want, for you and my girls."
Lena swallows down the lump in her throat with a shaky nod. "I'll stop avoiding her."
"Thank you, honey." Eliza squeezes her arm one last time then gives her a gentle nudge in Kara's direction, pleased that she has gotten through to Lena and already planning her conversation with Kara when she gets a chance to corner her.
Kara senses when Lena is coming towards her, she's been acutely aware of her all night and her distinct lack of attention she has gotten from her so-called best friend.
She greets the wayward woman with a bright smile, really hoping that this is the end of Lena ignoring her. Kara picks up the extra glass of eggnog she has been saving for the past thirty minutes and holds it out to Lena in offering.
Lena swallows down her guilt at seeing Kara so happy to see her and takes it, summoning up a tender smile.
"Hey, you," Kara lets her fingers brush against Lena's as she hands the glass over, "I wasn't sure if you had a drink yet."
It's a lie, both if them know it, Kara was just waiting for an opportunity to use it to get Lena's attention, but Lena isn't about to call her out on it. "Hey, I had one, but I would never turn down a second drink."
"Have you had a nice time so far?"
"Yeah, I was just talking science stuff with Eliza and Kelly."
"Is that all you spoke about with Eliza? I saw you talking after." Kara pitches her with a knowing look, expecting Lena to cave and tell her what they were really talking about.
Lena nods, trying to buy time to come up with a good excuse. "Mostly, yes. She told me that she's happy I'm here. It was really nice of her to say that."
Kara's expression softens, taking the answer at face value. "We all feel that way, and I'm sorry it has taken this long for it to really happen."
"I'm not going to say that It's ok, but I have long since forgiven you all." Lena leans back against the counter Kara was lurking by.
They are standing so close together that their shoulders brush, both revelling in the slight contact but only one truly understanding why.
"I'm really glad you have. I don't know what I would have done if you never came back to the team… came back to me." Kara's eyes gloss over, a sure sign that she is one wrong move away from crying.
"You would've been fine, you will always have the others too."
"But they're not you."
As the first tear streaks its way down Kara's cheek, Eliza swoops in. She must have been keeping a watchful eye because the second she spot what's going down, she's on Kara in an instant. "Kara, can you come and give me hand please?"
The tone makes it obvious that it isn't really a question, so she simply nods, shooting Lena an apologetic side glance and following her adoptive mother out of the kitchen and into the bedroom, where the separating curtain is instantly pulled shut.
Kara rubs her hands on the thighs of her jeans, hoping to rub away her nervous energy with the motion. "So… what can I help you with?"
"Kara don't ask me silly questions. I want you to tell me why you've spent all night staring at Lena." Eliza crosses her arms, her weight shifted onto her right hand side so she's standing slightly lopsided but it doesn't take away from the terrifying sternness that Kara is very accustomed to.
A slight shoulder shrug and an awkward silence later, Eliza breaks as reframes her question. "
"Were you upset that she wasn't with you?"
"A little bit."
"Why?"
Kara looks down at her fidgeting hands. "I don't know."
"You don't know?" Eliza confirms.
Kara nods. "Yeah, I just like being with her, she makes me happy. Everything is better when she's around, like, it makes my heart feel full."
Eliza brings a hand up to pinch the bridge of her nose. "I want you to think about what you just said and think about it very very hard."
"In what way?" Kara's eyebrows scrunch, crinkle on full display.
Alex barges in, whipping the curtain aside and then pulling it closed behind her. "Think about it romantically, I'm tired of you two being stupid."
Eliza focuses her attention onto her other daughter. "Alexandra, I raised you better than to eavesdrop on other people's conversations now get back out there to your wife and my grandchild before I ground you like you're still a rebellious teen."
Alex faulters at the demands of the only person on Earth that she's actually afraid of and makes a harsh exit.
Eliza refocuses on Kara but it's too late for her to get another word in.
"Oh. I think I love Lena." Kara's eyes are wide, comically so. "Holy crab cakes."
"Kara – "
"I'm in love with Lena."
"Yes, I know."
They stare at each other for a pregnant moment. "Should I tell her?"
"I'm going back out there, and I'll send her in. Follow your heart."
Kara turns away from the curtain as Eliza leaves, lost in her own revelation. "Golly, I am oblivious."