Author's Note: Apologies for the delay. It's almost like I never expected to get this far in the story, and so I've been stuck here and there. This chapter would be longer, but I did not want to wait much longer to update. I think the next chapter will come much sooner than this last one. We'll see.
I hope at least it reassures you that the story is continuing!
Let me know what you like/enjoy so I know how it's going over! :) - Enjoy...
"Now all we have to do is head down that street, beyond the horizon," James said confidently, pointing down the cobblestone street that went off beyond Spinner's End. Severus glanced in the direction. There really wasn't even a horizon; more like a blurry mist, as if their destination had not yet been fully formed.
"Well, then let's get to it," he muttered.
"Onward!" said James.
"All right!" said Lily.
"Tallyho!" said Sirius, and Severus rolled his eyes as he started briskly in the direction of James's indication.
"How do you know this is the right way?" he asked, after a few moments of merely listening to their feet on the stone. He said this more just to say something, than anything else. It really didn't matter to him how James knew.
"Because," said James, "It's ahead."
"What do you mean, 'ahead?'"
"It's…I dunno, it's not the direction you or we came from. So it must be the path."
"That simple, eh? Follow the yellow brick road?" Severus said in his driest voice yet, and James turned to him, bursting out laughing.
"That's funny, Severus!" Severus just stared at him, then kept moving. The others were chuckling.
It wasn't that funny, he thought to he noticed that the old tension between them was ebbing away, whether he wanted it to or not.
As they walked, James, Lily, and Sirius chatting about the past, Severus noted that the landscape around them also seemed to fade into mist. There were no sidewalks, buildings, hills or meadows…just mist. He did not feel cold, however, as he might usually have on a very misty day like this one. In fact, as they progressed toward the mirage before them, he began to feel warm instead. Very warm, in fact. He tugged at his collar.
"We must be getting nearer," said Lily, noticing the gesture.
"It's sweltering," said Sirius, who was actually pouring sweat.
After a few more moments James stopped, Severus almost walking into him.
"I think this is as far as I go," he said uncertainly, and Severus thought he saw the most uncharacteristic look of fear in his eyes. He raised his eyebrows.
"Oh?"
"Yeah…Sorry, I'm just…this is getting a little too close for comfort, for me. In all honesty, I don't think I'm meant to go with you all the way," he said, sounding apologetic and embarrassed.
"None of us are, I'm sure," said Sirius matter-of-factly, staring at the shifting mist ahead. It had taken on a distinctly reddish and orange tone, as if they were looking at a town far away on fire. "Although Lily, you may be going a bit further," he said, looking at her. She nodded.
"Possibly," was all she said.
Severus turned to James.
"Well, farewell, then," he said roughly, extending his hand. It was the polite thing to do. He had helped him, after all, supposedly.
James put a hand on his shoulder again and smiled, warmly. Then he was just gone. Severus started.
"Oh," he said.
When he looked around, Sirius was also gone. But Lily stood there with a soft, sympathetic smile.
"I'll walk you a little further. I'm always fascinated by the hellfire tree."
He nodded gratefully, and they fell into step together, walking for some unmeasurable amount of time.
Around him, when he glanced away from the pulsing, bright light ahead, the mist continued on either side, but it had faded a bit on either side of the road, which was now a forest path. The dark, shadowy stumps of old trees peeked from behind it. How interesting it was, he thought, that this world seemed to take shape around him, as if responding to his thoughts. What kind of landscape would make sense? A forest, obviously. Much like the Forbidden Forest, actually.
They drew closer to the midst of this shadowed version of the Forbidden Forest, which opened ahead now into a desolate desert of cracked, dry slabs of earth, dotted with small, scraggly trees and brush. Here, a wave of heat crashed against them, and he stopped and bent over to catch his breath.
"Goodness," said Lily, panting beside him.
He started to take off his jacked, folded it over his arm, then realized it didn't matter and let it fall to the ground. Mist swirled over it and their feet disappeared briefly.
He turned to see how Lily was doing, and was startled to find that no longer did she appear in black and white. Rather, the light from the Hellfire Tree seemed to fall on all that it touched, and color spilled out onto everything it touched. Her face looked eerily orange and green, as she shielded her eyes.
"I know it sounds stupid, but I'd forgotten how hot it is," she said, smiling wryly.
"Perhaps," Severus said slowly, feeling a little sad, "this is where you must stop, too."
"I don't know. I'd like to try to get a little closer. It's quite a thing to see…you really can't describe it. You can't know until you see it, what it's like to gaze on something that feels as if it's been there since before the world existed. I'll keep going. We'll see how far I get."
"Is it dangerous? For you, I mean?" Severus worried. Since Lily was no longer among the living, perhaps getting close to a tree whose roots went down into "hell" was not a very good idea.
"It might be eventually, but don't worry. I'll never get close enough."
"Very well," he said reluctantly, and began to walk forward again, shielding himself from the waves of heat that blew over them, glancing at her every once in a while to see if she was still with him.
Finally, the shape of what must be the base of the tree began to take shape. It looked like a black, huge truck with a pulsing red in the middle, beating like a heart.
"Glorious," Severus whispered, unable to help himself from being flooded with awe. It was a terrible thing, the tree, and there was nothing for it but to admire and appreciate it. As Lily had said, the trunk rose up and towered above them into the infinite grey sky, where dark clouds of smoke circled around, obscuring whatever lay beyond. Yet, here and there, Severus thought he saw the stars of the heavens twinkling through a gap in the clouds. It was breathtaking.
"Beautiful," gasped Lily. "I hope it gives you what you're looking for." She turned to him, and he thought there was a sad look of farewell in her eyes now, too. "Promise me, Severus, you won't get lost or burnt to a crisp…if you can't make it back to the living, then I'd better see you over here on our side of things."
"I promise," he said solemnly, and then she was gone. A couple of tears streaked down his face as he pondered the finality of his solitude, and quickly evaporated. Right then, he thought, and continued purposefully toward this awful tree of doom, this primal being that was beyond the comprehension of any living thing.
It was not long before it became almost too hot to continue. Severus rolled up his sleeves and unbuttoned his shirt, but it did little to give him relief. Finally he took his wand from inside his pocket and conjured a cool, translucent blue shield that encircled him, shimmering like snowy glass. He took a deep breath, feeling much relieved. It was still very warm, but now he felt he could get closer. Whether or not the spell would hold, he could not be certain. He would just have to see.
The trunk of the tree and the roots that arched over the ground and plunged below it like tentacles began to take up all his field of vision as he got closer, and soon it was all he could see. Beneath his feet and throughout his whole being he felt the pulse of the heartbeat from the tree, and his body vibrated, his teeth chattering with each pulse.
The roots rose before him, as large as trees themselves, as Severus continued, until at last he was forced to stop. The nearest root was feet away, but it seemed he was not allowed to pass any further from the spot; something impenetrable kept him out. He found this encouraging, once he got over his initial bewilderment, because it must mean that the tree was protected, and perhaps the protection was more for those who might otherwise get too close. He imagined that if he had been allowed to get any closer, he would simply have disintegrated into sparks and ash, flying up into the sky above.
Severus dropped slowly to his knees, catching his breath. He still grasped his wand, which was now slippery in his hand from sweat. Now what? Wondering without direction to his thoughts, he felt his hair dripping and stringy from sweat around his face, sticking to his cheeks. He pushed it back and his hand was completely wet when he brought it back and stared at it. His skin seemed to have the slightest tinge of red.
I'm burning, he thought numbly, without fear or any emotion at all, really. The all-encompassing heat from the Hellfire Tree, which he now believed to be the fabled World Tree from all the mythology he'd ever learned, seemed to dissipate all reasonable thought. There was nothing but the pulsing drumbeat of the tree's heart, shuddering through his body at regular intervals.
Severus gasped for breath, trying to catch at his own thoughts and come up with a coherent idea of an action. What to do now that he had come here, had traversed heaven and earth for some kind of cosmic aid?
"Help…" he stuttered, his voice cracking with dryness. He wasn't sure who he was talking to, but it was all he could think of to do. "Help…me please…" I need to get close to the tree, he thought, but he wasn't sure if that were actually true. Still forward seemed the only way to go.
Just as he finished speaking the last word, however, Severus immediately noticed a bright beam of light from the center of the part of the tree he could see. As he watched, it grew gradually wider, opening from the sides in a long oval shape, as if someone were drawing curtains away. When he looked at this light, it did not hurt his eyes, unlike the reddish heartblood of the hellfire tree. It seemed clear that this was where he was meant to go.
He barely thought anything at all as he got up and pushed toward the light. Now he was able to move toward the tree; whatever barrier had been there was either gone, or perhaps the beam of light and the ground it touched opened a path just for him, one that would keep him safe. The feeling of heat did not increase as he approached, and he was greatly encouraged by this.
Soon he was at the glowing, black bark of the charred, eternally burning tree, the hole in front of him, for that was what it was…he could see nothing but the whitish blue light within, but he felt certain it was a door or entrance of some kind. Thoughts that something had responded to his call for help, that something was on his side, propelled him forward, as he could think about nothing but getting back to Petunia. At this point he was beginning to be worried about his body. He realized, as he stepped through the tree, that he had never wanted to live so badly in his life.
He was inside the tree. The hole closed behind him, and the light faded so that he appeared to be suspended, somehow, in space….all around him were stars, but when he looked below his feet, which appeared to stand upon nothing, he saw down, down deep into a fissure of the earth, where the bright "hellfire" was raging. It hurt to look at it, but he could not turn away. It was mesmerizing; a chamber of pulsing magma, the blood of the earth, going through and out of the tree up and down, feeding everything connected to it, the roots of the tree wrapped around the whole world. Much of this he did not understand; he knew, of course, that the world was a planet, but like most wizards and witches he knew, he had never given much thought to this and what it actually meant for the world to be round. It was all so overwhelming. He stared, hypnotized, and for a moment he felt a terrible appreciation for the grandeur of it all that he thought he almost might be willing to stay just a little bit longer…
What do you seek, mortal man?
Said a voice. Or rather, it thrummed through him, in between heartbeats. His head snapped up and he looked around, but he was alone in this illusion of space.
"Hello?" he said stupidly.
A pause. Then, again, the words breathed through him, within him, all around him.
What do you seek, mortal man?
"I..I..er…" Severus thought frantically. Something powerful was talking to him, and whatever it was, all his hopes rested upon communicating successfully with this…thing. His mind grasped for words by association, because he realized he had no real words for what he wanted. Finally one came to mind, and he blurted it out before he could decide if it made any sense at all.
"Transformation, I seek transformation…" He did not know how to address the intellect that spoke to him, and trailed off. Was it the voice of the tree? Of the world? Of some great, powerful wizard who had passed into immortality?
Speak.
"I seek," he continued, gathering himself, "transformation from within. I need to remove..I need…I have to change something about myself, something that I love," he floundered. At this point a part of him decided that the actual words he used probably communicated less than what he felt, and so he must clear his head and allow the power that addressed him to sense his thoughts. He briefly wondered if cosmic legilimancy would lead to cosmic exploding of his head.
The voice did not answer. He waited. Terrified that it had left or were now ignoring him, he spoke quickly again, rambling, looking wildly around him as there was nothing specific to look at or direction to speak to.
"I love someone deeply, but my heart does not have space for her, because I still love another. And I so want to move on, to let it all go, so I can love this person. But I don't know how. No matter what, it seems part of me. I want to be done with it. I need to…to give it away." Though he did not fully understand his own words, for the first time they sounded right. The voice spoke again, thrilling him with hope and relief.
It is not love you would remove. It is guilt. It is shame. It is of yourself, not someone else. You cannot give what you love away. But you can rid yourself of what you carry.
"Please, tell me how?" he shrieked, desperate. He had little time to think about what the voice had said, though the truth of it hit him like a punch to the gut. "Can you…I mean…whatever you are, can you take it from me? Please?"
We can.
"What must I do? Anything, anything you want, just tell me and I will do it."
A waking Severus would never have been stupid enough to make such a bargain with some power greater than he that he could not identify. But he felt nothing but trust in this power that surrounded him. It was so awesome, so primal, that he did not care if it were good or evil. It just was, and nothing else "was" like this, nothing else he knew as real as what he felt now.
Then the oddest thing happened. He could not explain it, but he suddenly felt the urge to laugh, a bit of hysteria rising up in him. He had the thought that the being or beings behind this voice was amused.
You know, it explained, and it felt remarkably gentle in spite of him being surrounded by fire, space, stars, and a tree that reached down into the burning center of the earth.
He thought for a moment, taking this seriously. If it said he knew, then he knew. He just had to figure it out. His first thought was of his patronus. Perhaps if he sent it down, down through the chasm of the tree…but the voice interrupted his thoughts.
Throw your wand, it commanded.
Then Severus understood.
Without hesitation, he held his wand over the burning soul of the earth and dropped it. It flew, almost floating, down far beyond where he could see. It fell forever. Then suddenly he felt fire; fire in his veins, fire in his lungs, fire behind his eyes, every extremity burning, his very blood on fire…fool, fool, destroying yourself…he thought, but the sensation began finally to fade, and he was surrounded by cool darkness. He felt something solid beneath him. He knew he was in his body, and fought to open his eyes. They fluttered open, and he found himself looking into the very eyes he loved the most.
"Petunia," he whispered, and then everything went black again.
Seconds after Severus opened his eyes and Petunia shrieked with wild joy, a cohort of first responders from St. Mungo's swooped and took him from her, and it was almost two weeks before she was allowed to see him again. Two weeks of nail-biting, anger inducing agony. But the staff at St. Mungo's insisted that this was a very serious case that needed a good amount of monitoring to be sure he was "in the clear," so there was nothing Petunia could do, no matter how loudly she complained and how long she sat stubbornly in the waiting area outside of his wing, angrily tapping her shoes on the floor.
At one point, earlier on, she had even gone to appeal to Madame Pomphrey to see if there was anything she could do, but Madame Pomphrey set her right back out of the hospital wing and slammed the door unceremoniously after her, declaring emphatically that she would have nothing more to do with "a Headmaster determined to kill himself" and it was all now St. Mungo's problem.
"Let me know when the Headmaster's back on duty. I have a pile of paperwork and back orders of supplies that need his signature. In the meantime, I have actual work to do," she said dramatically through the door.
By now, the students had all returned to Hogwarts and everything was in an uproar over the mysterious near-death (for the second time) of Headmaster Snape. The details surrounding the incident, including the matter of Petunia and the expelling of the egregore - and whatever had happened to her as a result of that - were the source of so much controversy and confusion among the teachers that they had made up a very lame explanation for what had happened. As always, with such things, the young wizards and witches of course knew there were details being kept from them, so they filled in the gaps themselves with the most outrageous rumors.
It seemed each house was beginning to develop its own lore. In Hufflepuff, it was believed that the Headmaster had eaten a bad meal prepared by a disgruntled elf who wanted revenge for the years of work it had done without back pay. No one knew who this elf was, of course, or what became of him - or her, but it was suspected the culprit had either escaped or was now serving time in Azkaban.
The Griffindors believed that Snape had been on a top secret mission against some dark wizard or witch leftover from Dumbledore's old files, and had meant to tie up loose ends when he was attacked by a very dark spell meant to put him into stasis. Perhaps wishing to live up to the reputations of the seventh years, it was mostly the younger ones who pursued this theory with great abandon, missing classes and being regularly caught in the restricted section of the library or trying to hack the floo network.
Slytherin claimed they knew exactly where the Headmaster had been and what happened, but they weren't telling. After all, it was no one's business but theirs as he was the head of their house. But Petunia did manage to hear a few whispered conversations in the dungeons and get some information from Malfoy, and it appeared their confidence was a complete farce; in fact they were bitterly divided as to what had happened, and no one had come up with a satisfactory theory yet. The debate was so fierce that a number of Slytherins were not talking to each other, making things rather awkward.
It was the Ravenclaws who came the closest to actually discovering what happened to Snape, based on whatever information they could glean about the ritual he had cast - which was very sparse already. However, they spoke about their theories in such mind-numbing jargon that no one else could really make sense out of it. Even Luna had second thoughts about publishing anything in the Quibbler except something to the effect that the Headmaster was thought to have "vanished" into another realm for a while and come back with new secret magical power.
As much as this incident was the talk of the Wizarding World, for the teachers of Hogwarts, it was another matter. They were far more interested - obsessed, even - by what they had witnessed of Petunia's encounter with the egregore, how she had been suspended in mid-air and they had not been able to come within five feet of her, as some invisible force held them back. And they all had this sense that something otherworldly, something old and primal and Eldar had been present, but disappeared before any of them could interact with it at all.
Petunia found herself grilled over and over again in the days following Severus's internment at the hospital, first in groups of the teachers, where she stammered through what answers she could think of - it was difficult because she had barely been left alone with her own thoughts enough to sus it out for herself, and most of the time she was too busy thinking about Severus to have made much progress. Then she found herself constantly accosted by the teachers, who would make up absurd excuses for seeking her out, only to suddenly turn to questioning her.
It wasn't that Petunia wanted to keep secrets; it was true that she did not really want to discuss anything with them until she had talked to Severus first. But it was more than that. From the moment the presence left her body and she landed gently upon the floor, she somehow knew that this was a private matter, and she was not supposed to tell anyone what she thought she knew. She did not know if that were forever or just for now, but every time she thought about talking about it, she would get a lump in her throat and just had this overwhelming feeling that it wasn't meant to be shared…not just yet.
So she hemmed and hawed and talked about Severus's research, and the egregore - up to a point. But she said nothing about the other presence that she'd felt when the egregore was entering her body and then leaving it, about the great, powerful intelligence that had surrounded and consumed her, about the visions it had given her that seemed to last for eons though it were really only a few seconds, and the knowledge she believed she had come back with. It was all about Slytherin…that was the only thing she really knew for certain. But the thing she suspected, and which the presence had flat out told her, she did not dare to speak out loud, and questioned whether or not she might be delusional.
How could it be that she be given such a powerful secret? How could it be, that she, Petunia Evans Dursley, who had been a muggle up until nearly 11 months ago, could possibly play such an important role in story of Hogwarts and its four houses? She shook those thoughts away whenever they came, trying not to remember what she had been told, though through visions and impressions more than words. This was not hard to do, as long as Severus was being kept from her. In fact, she really thought she was going to go insane with worry and impatience the whole time he was kept away, and even began to have an illogical fear that she might never be allowed to see him again. What if he actually did die, while he was in the hospital? What if something happened, like a delayed effect, and this time they couldn't save him?
She barely got any sleep or ate at all during this wait.
And it would have gone on this way, if it hadn't been for the fact that her nephew Harry was finally in town.
He was staying with the Weasleys - thank goodness - for a few days, but would be coming to the school soon. It seemed to her that he may have timed his return to coincide with Severus's hospital release. She could not really blame him, as there was little reason, she thought, for him to be there without the Headmaster present, but she was also very relieved. She was not ready to deal with him and was very jealous of the opportunity to be alone with Severus again before sharing him with the rest of the world after such a long and dramatic separation.
As luck would have it, Harry and Petunia had both arrived to greet Severus upon his release, and she only just managed to whisk Severus off back to his flat seconds before her nephew came down the hall with a bouquet of weird, "wizard-folk" flowers. As soon as she'd seen Severus's dark, pale and slightly thinner figure stalking down the hall of the hospital wing toward her, she'd run to him and thrown her arms around him, hanging onto his neck.
Stiff with his usual sense of propriety but also from having been in bed for a week, Severus wrapped his arms around her and held her, but she felt he was restraining himself. She ached to kiss him, but decided she would rather wait till they were alone to give him a real kiss. Once she had him, she did not plan to be letting go again any time soon.
Severus smiled weakly, his black eyes uncharacteristically warm and vulnerable, and her heart melted straight away. She kissed his cheek a few times but broke away quickly, and asked if she could accompany him home.
"Of course," he'd said, the words barely out of his mouth before she ripped him along with her to apparate back to his flat, which she had cleaned spotless in his absence. They appeared in his hallway by the coat hanger, and there she pushed him against the door and kissed him ferociously on the mouth until he had to gently hold her off to gasp for breath.
"Gently, my dear," he said, laughing weakly, a hungry glint in his eye. She knew he was surprised and tantalized by her passion, in spite of himself. "I'm not fully recovered yet."
"And whose fault is that?" she demanded in her sternest voice, and he seemed to wince and shudder at its forcefulness. She stood looking up at him, her arms folded, demanding an explanation, and he finally shrugged weakly.
"What were you thinking? You know what," she continued, before he could answer,"later. Right now you're going to make it up to me by taking me to bed."
Severus blushed furiously at this, his mouth hanging open in the midst of trying to speak, but he got a hungry, wolfish look in his eyes and knew she had won and gotten the point across. Without another word, Severus followed her up the stairs to his bedroom, where she fell to kissing him as she undressed, and helped him undress.
Not another word was spoken then for a while; she could feel the heating up of his body under her touch, the way his mouth seemed to remember how to kiss her, and how to explore her whole body and make her shiver. His original stiffness gave way to the lithness that came naturally with intense arousal, and before long he had caught up to her speed and overtaken it.
Severus lifted her up by her thighs and laid her onto the bed, where he proceeded to kiss every inch of her bare skin and play with her nipples until she moaned and writhed. She felt his hand slip between her legs to feel her wetness, penetrating her teasingly with a finger. She bit down on the part of his undershirt that still hung from his body as the sensation exploded up and down her thighs and along the whole of her vaginal wall.
She felt him sigh against her neck, his breath hot as her own pleasure turned him on and he began to take charge more confidently. She reached down to undo his trousers and help him slide them off, then cradled him between her thighs, running her hands encouragingly along his. Severus took the hint and reached down to press her thighs further apart, but gently and seductively, and allowed her to guide him inside of her for the first time. She felt the satisfying thickness of him, surprisingly large and hard - it had been the first time she'd slept with someone other than Vernon in 30 years - and arched back, closing her eyes, enjoying the unique feel of him and all the ways he was different. It felt deliciously scandalous in a way, after so many years of having only been with one man.
Given that this was his first time - if he'd been telling the truth, that is, - Petunia relaxed into the enjoyment of feeling his exploration and his fit into her, but did not expect to climax this first time as she did not think he would last very long. To her surprise, however, he was very slow and measured at first, though she could feel him stopping briefly now and then and shuddering as if holding back the edge of his own orgasm, determinedly feeling her slowly, deeply, curiously, as if he too wanted to prolong this new intimacy.
She rose against him to help him get a rhythm, and he fell into it, speeding up but not desperately the way she expected, not like the handful of young men she remembered from her college years, who could not control themselves and seem to think that was just as enjoyable for her as for them. He did not last very long, but longer than she expected, and she found herself heating up by sudden degrees, the familiar ache and trembling as the nerves inside her lips and vaginal wall went into nerve overdrive, and as she focused on him and this being his first experience, vicariously experiencing the shock of it with him, she brought herself quickly to orgasm with his help and let out a scream that left her throat sore as she fell back against the mattress under him.
She heard him pant as she came, not so much stifling himself as seeming unable to keep up with the onslaught of sharing her climax, tremble violently, and fall on top of her with a soft groan. She lay there, laughing after a moment, holding him, reveling in the afterglow, unable and unwilling to move. He kissed and embraced her and then rolled over to one side, staring at the ceiling with an expression akin to spiritual awe.
This made her laugh harder, and he turned to look at her, his eyes confused and his brows furrowed. She covered her mouth and tried to stop but couldn't.
"I'm sorry," she said between peals of laughter, "It's not…it's …release, that's all."
"I hope so," he said after a moment, looking a bit wounded and genuinely worried. "You would…you'd…tell me, if you wanted something..different…wouldn't you?!" he exclaimed.
Petunia brushed her hair back from her face, wiping away the sweat from her forehead, and leaned it against his.
"Of course, darling. Really, I'm not laughing at anything. I'm not actually even laughing. It's just what happens, now and then, when a woman has a really, really, really good orgasm."
"Oh?" he said, arching one eyebrow and looking intrigued while also afraid to believe her.
"Oh yes, yes, Severus. Yes. It's so deep so…" she waved her hands around trying to search for the right words. "It's just hard to explain. It's like every single bit of tension that was ever in my body is just wiped out. I feel like a little rag doll."
Severus "huffed" curiously at this, then returned to staring alternately at the ceiling and at her, stroking her hair, looking into her face as if it were the first time he were really seeing her. She stroked his black hair back from his face and kissed his eyebrows, then began to kiss his face, his neck, and move down his body, until finally she introduced him to the whole new sensation of fellacio, and that's pretty much how it went on into the night, until early morning when the both of them, spent and luxuriating in each other's embrace, lay quietly. Then, finally, after so many hours, they began to talk about all that had happened, Severus first.