Lovehaste kissed him on the lips.
"Eek!" she suddenly squeaked, and pulled away rapidly, clawing at her mouth. "Eek!"
Barbossa spat.
"You bit me!" she screamed accusingly. "You bastard!"
"I had to!" he snapped back. "Ye slobbered on me! I am not an ice cream!"
She started yelling mad, incoherent things and he tuned out. The kiss had had the rather unfortunate effect of sobering him up and now he was transfixed by the enormous whitehead that was festering and growing in the corner of Lovehaste's mouth.
When he switched back on again, her last words made him think he hadn't bitten her hard enough. "...and if you can't accept the love of a woman, something dark and terrible must have happened in your past." Suddenly all the rage drained from her, abruptly as a dying man's drinking water sinking into desert sands. "Something did, didn't it?" she said gently. "Tell me about it."
Barbossa did not feel like relating either his father's prolonged absence or his second year aboard The Black Pearl to a sex-crazed Lovehaste. He stuttered, "N-no, nothing like that."
"Sure?" she wheedled.
"Sure." The fires in her eyes flared up again, but Barbossa was feeling slightly too nauseous to shout for someone to come and throw her overboard before she did his head in. Quickly he added, "I- I like men." Argh. Argh. Argh. What am I saying?
Apparently he'd said the right thing, because suddenly her face lit up. "Oh!" she breathed. "Oh, I see! You're one of those pirates!"
Ouch, thought Barbossa, that stung. I don't even want to imagine what mental images she's having at the moment. "No no no, I like women too," he amended. "But, ah, yer see, ah, I'm on the 'liking men' part of my cycle at the moment." He cringed. This was even worse than the kissing.
She was starting to look thoughtful and mildly confused, and took a ladylike sip of wine. "That's not very canon," she said, slowly.
To Barbossa, a cannon was a big metal tube you put large iron balls into and promptly blew out again at high speed, preferably into something that went 'crunch' in a satisfying way. "Whee?" he asked.
"I mean," she said, adopted a schoolmarmy attitude that rather suited her, "think about it. What kind of fangirl wants to read about the slashy love affairs of an aged pirate captain? Now, if you were ravishing young women," she indicated herself with a deprecating little gesture, "that would be most interesting to read about. The Evil Captain's First True Love. Betrayal and Betrothal on the High Seas. That sort of thing." She regarded Barbossa thoughtfully. "I can't see you being the subject of yaoi discussion forums anytime soon."
Barbossa had no clue as to what was going on. For a moment, there flashed a beautiful set of images through his mind- of the crew sailing to some enchanted spot wherein time could be reversed, of hurtling through hyperspace at a sickening speed, the past few weeks obliterated before his eyes, to the night of the mutiny, in which he managed to control his temper, and he'd still be with Jack and he wouldn't be with bloody bloody damned bloody bugger bloody Mariella Suzella Lovehaste.
"Not very fair," he said glumly. "That's prejudice against age."
Lovehaste smiled, and started to swagger out. "See you in the morning, captain," she said, unusually cheerful. "I'll get Ragetti to do my eyebrows, shall I?"
She winked, and was gone.
Barbossa crawled into bed and started to whimper.