Chapter 10: I Will Be There
About a week later, Lorelai walks into the diner for her early morning coffee. Lorelai is surprised to see that it's Loren walking around waiting on tables, a clean white apron tied around the girl's waist. Seeing Lorelai walk in, Loren nods to her and motions that she'll be over in a moment. Lorelai glances around and finds a small table by the window unoccupied and sits to wait for Loren or Luke.
"Hey there Lorelai," Loren greets her as she walks over to the table. "I'm surprised to see you here this morning."
"But I'm here every morning," Lorelai reminds her. Loren smiles knowingly.
"Yes, I know that, but it's Saturday," Loren responds. Lorelai shrugs.
"Someone's gotta earn the dough." Lorelai winks. "Besides, someone's gotta work Saturdays, especially me, the inn's busiest days are Saturdays." Loren nods.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me. It's a nice place, the Dragonfly. I mean, I've never stayed there or anything, but it seems nice, quaint. Almost homey. Rustic." Lorelai raises a hand to stop Loren.
"Okay, now you've gone too far." Loren raises an eyebrow. Lorelai sighs, shaking her head. "I'm sorry, I'm confusing you with my mother. To her, rustic is a bad word."
"Oh, well I know a lot worse words I could teach her," Loren jokes, her eyes glittering mischievously. Lorelai laughs. Loren glances around to make sure all the customers are doing all right and then looks back at Lorelai. "Hey, can I ask you something?"
"Shoot," Lorelai responds, motioning for Loren to take the seat across from her. Loren sits, folding her hands in front of her on the table.
"You knew my dad before, right?" Loren asks. Lorelai sits back, unsure of exactly what Loren's getting at. "I mean, you knew him before you left Stars Hollow."
"Yeah," Lorelai says vaguely, shrugging. "We knew each other. He was my coffee provider." Loren grins.
"I'm sure he did that job willingly," Loren teases. Lorelai snickers.
"Oh yeah, never a peep from him about how I was going to die, how coffee was poisoning my innards until my intestines rotted. He was the most gracious, willing coffee provider," Lorelai says sarcastically. Loren laughs.
"So you knew him well?" Loren figures. Lorelai shrugs, without revealing anything. "Was my dad – I mean did he ever – was there ever anyone – do you know if he was ever in love – I mean – before my mom?" Lorelai looks down at her hands.
You know I love you right?
I really need to hear that once in awhile.
I love you and I am going to marry you and at our wedding, we are having lobster.
Lorelai purses her lips, trying to maintain her composure even with the strong memory still imprinted on her brain. She looks up at Loren, smiling uncertainly. "I'm not sure I can say for sure. I mean our relationship consisted of my begging for coffee and him forecasting my early death." Loren laughs.
"Yes, that's my dad." Loren frowns, looking down at her hands.
"What's up, Loren?" Lorelai asks. Loren looks up at Lorelai sadly.
"It's just, he only had my mom for just over a year. I just think he's lonely. I mean I know he loves me and he loves April, but – I don't know – maybe that's not enough," Loren considers. Lorelai sighs. She reaches out and covers Loren's hand with her own.
"Kiddo, your dad is happy just being your dad, just like I'm happy being Nicolas and Lucy's mom. Just like I was happy just being Rory's mom for years." Loren doesn't seem to take any comfort from this answer.
"He just seems so… I don't know… lost or something… sometimes. Like he's somewhere else. Or he wishes he was. And maybe he just needs a friend or something, someone he can open up to, someone who's not spending her days learning trigonometry and writing papers on Dr. Faustus." Lorelai glances up at the counter, as if Luke were there even though he's not. She lets her eyes roam the place, considering Loren's comments for a moment.
"Doesn't your dad open up to you?" Lorelai asks. Loren shakes her head.
"No. I mean, yes, about some things. How annoying my cousin Ty is. How the town is crazy with all the festivals. How he wishes he had more time to spend fixing our house."
"Well that's something," Lorelai responds. Loren shrugs. Lorelai takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly. "I think your dad has people to open up to. And I think that you don't need to worry about him, he should know by now where to go to let off steam. You just worry about yourself, Sweetie. All Rory ever had to do was try her best and that made me happy, just her presence was enough. That's all Luke needs from you." Loren nods.
"Hey, you wanted coffee, right?" Loren asks, suddenly changing the subject as she stands.
"Yeah, that would be great, thanks." Lorelai watches Loren walk over to the coffee pot. "Hey, where is your dad anyways?" Loren grabs a mug and walks back over with the mug and the pot.
"He's not in today," Loren answer simply. Lorelai's eyes go wide in shock.
"I'm sorry, what?"
"He's not going to be in today," Loren repeats. Lorelai furrows her eyebrows, incredibly confused.
"Not in… why? I thought he lived here. I mean, I know he doesn't live here live here anymore but I mean that he practically lives here, like he spends a lot of time here. You see what I'm saying?" Lorelai rambles. Loren arches an eyebrow at Lorelai as she pours the coffee, but seems to be amused.
"Yeah. I gotcha. And he does, most of the time, but not today."
"Not today…" Lorelai sips her coffee, still confused.
"It's the thirtieth," Loren says by way of explanation. Lorelai stares at her until a sense of realization comes over her face.
"The thirtieth," Lorelai repeats. "November thirtieth." Loren nods. "Oooooh." Lorelai presses her lips together nodding.
"So, you know?" Lorelai nods.
"Yeah. So where did he go this time?" Lorelai asks. Loren looks at her strangely.
"I don't know. I never know. All I know is that it's November 30th and he's never here on that day," Loren responds.
"You mean he never told you why he disappears on November 30th?" Lorelai asks. Loren shrugs. Lorelai reaches up and rubs Loren's arm. "It's good he has you. I'm sure he feels lucky."
After finishing her coffee, Lorelai leaves money on the table, including a big tip for Loren. She throws her purse over her shoulder and walks out the door, starting to turn to head towards the inn. Then she changes her mind and direction. Shoving her hands in her pockets, she walks the other way.
Tomorrow's the anniversary of my dad's death. And every year on that anniversary I disappear. I don't work. I don't talk to anyone. I get in a kind of funk, it's like, um…
You have a dark day.
Yeah I have a dark day. I thought I should tell you this because we're in a relationship and I thought you would wonder why I suddenly don't answer the phone or I'm not around.
The memory of Luke's somber story swirls around in Lorelai's head as she walks towards her destination. She can still recall how sad he looked that day, almost hopeless, as if there wasn't a thing she could do or say to make him smile or take just a bit of the weight off. And though she knows that things probably won't be different this time, she knows she's got to try.
Lorelai finds the house she's looking for and knocks on the door. Hearing a commotion inside, Lorelai leans her ear to the door. Suddenly the door opens, and Lorelai steps back.
"Lorelai!" Liz exclaims with surprise.
"Hey Liz," Lorelai responds, a soft smile on her face.
"Oh I heard you were in town, come in, come in!" Liz grabs Lorelai's arm and pulls her inside and into a hug, which Lorelai gives into uncomfortably. "It's so good to see you. You know I've been meaning to stop by your place since Luke told me you were back."
"Oh, uh, Luke mentioned that?" Lorelai stammers, trying to hide her surprise.
"Of course! He's so happy you're back, I can just tell," Liz says. Lorelai shifts uncomfortably. "Oh, I've said too much. I'm sorry, I never know the right thing to say. I'm nothing like Luke. He's such a great guy, always saying and doing the right thing." Lorelai smiles weakly.
"Yeah that's him," Lorelai says softly. Liz doesn't seem to notice Lorelai's uneasiness.
"Anyways, I've been meaning to see you but things have been busy. We spent Thankgiving with TJ's parents and Ty's been involved in productions in New York so we've been traveling with him. Did you ever meet my son?"
"Uh, no. No, you were pregnant when I left," Lorelai recalls. Liz nods.
"Yeah. Well I had a son, another one. Tybalt."
"Right, I heard."
"Oh that Luke, he complains about his nephew but I know he really loves Ty."
"Oh, uh, not from Luke. From Rory," Lorelai says, setting Liz straight, almost as if making sure Liz knows she hasn't been talking to Luke. "You remember Rory, right?" Liz smiles knowingly.
"Of course I know Rory. She still talks to Jess so I still hear about her every once in awhile. He said she's living in Boston."
"DC," Lorelai corrects her. Liz frowns.
"Right, DC, something like that. You know, Jess is doing well too, he's now the owner of that bookstore," Liz says.
"Oh, I guess I thought he already was owner. But that's great. I'm glad he's well," Lorelai responds, actually meaning it.
"I'm sure you didn't come here to ask about Jess though." Lorelai blushes and looks down.
"No, you're right, of course," Lorelai says, as if embarrassed. "I actually came here wondering if you knew where Luke was."
"You came to me looking for Luke?" Liz asks in amazement. Lorelai laughs nervously.
"Yeah, I know, strange right?"
You don't want to live here.
Yes I do.
It's too quiet for you.
I like quiet.
You do not like quiet. TJ does not like quiet. He likes monster trucks and baboons that get really mad at the zoo.
That's true, he does like that.
Luke stop, you're going to like living so close to your family.
Yes, I've seen how much you enjoy living so close to yours.
"On a normal day, yes," Liz answers. Lorelai smiles, glancing up at the photos Liz has on her mantle. "Today, even stranger." Lorelai stares at the picture that Liz has of Luke with his arm around April at what must have been her graduation from college. She looks back at Liz.
"Yeah, it was just a shot," Lorelai figures.
"Well it is the thirtieth," Liz reminds Lorelai, who nods, looking down in at the ground. "You know what that means." Lorelai sighs, folding her arms around her chest and looking back at Liz, sadly.
"Yeah, I know," Lorelai says softly. "I'm sorry, you probably don't want to be bugged today either." Liz smiles.
"I'm not Luke, as you've figured out, in more ways than that I'm not a man. Our dad was his hero but to me he was just another person trying to run my life," Liz explains.
"I know exactly where you're coming from," Lorelai tells her. She glances back over at the photos, wanting more than anything to ask about Luke. What, if anything, Liz knew about how he dealt with the past fifteen years. Wondering if he had thought of her for even a moment, missed her even a bit. Lorelai sighs, looking again at Liz. "Well, thanks for your help." Liz chuckles, touching Lorelai's arm.
"I wasn't any help, but you're welcome anyways," Liz responds. "Listen, you know Luke, he sets into himself on days like this, no one can get through to him. He'll come out of his shell." Lorelai nods, her eyes again drifting to the picture.
"Sure," Lorelai whispers, her voice almost shaky. She takes a deep breath, knowing that sometimes he never really did come out of his shell.
Smiling softly, Lorelai looks back at Liz. "Listen, I'll see you around. You'll have to let me know about one of Ty's productions, maybe I can take the kids with me."
"I will!" Lorelai nods.
"Bye Liz." Lorelai turns and walks out the door. Hearing the door close behind her, Lorelai covers her face with her hands. She takes a few deep breaths, trying to force the pain of her memories away. Then she takes her hands off her face and sniffs, wiping a small tear from the corner of her eye.
Lorelai walks up to the small house on Plum Street where Luke sits on the porch steps as Lorelai had predicted. He's hunched over his knees, his head in his hands. Lorelai watches him for a moment, as if wondering whether or not to approach. With a sad expression on her face, Lorelai begins her walk up to the porch. The sounds of dead leaves crunching under her feet startles Luke and he looks up at her. Lorelai freezes in her path, giving Luke a moment to take it all in.
I couldn't stand the idea that you might, someday, regret giving this boat away.
Even though I said I wanted it gone.
Yes, I know, but you were upset.
Oh, I was cranky, now I'm upset.
Sorry I just thought…
You thought about you. You thought about you and how you'd feel. You didn't think about me or that fact that I said I wanted to get rid of this damn boat. I mean, I said it Lorelai. I said it. You heard it and you ignored it.
Because I didn't want you –
You had no respect for what I wanted. This was my dad. This was his boat and this decision was mine. This was not yours.
Lorelai is timidly staring at Luke, trying to discriminate what is going through his mind, but his face is frozen. There's no emotion there, she realizes. No anger. No hurt. No sadness.
"Did you just happen to show up here?" Luke finally growls. Lorelai's breath catches in her throat as she remembers that day all those years ago. The first time she was scared she had lost him. The first time she realized that she couldn't lose him, that he meant more to her than any man in the past. The first time she felt that fear, that bitter taste in her mouth, that she worried she wasn't what he wanted, that she could never live up to his standards. She takes a deep breath before answering.
"I was just taking a walk," Lorelai lies.
"You were taking a walk?" Luke asks in disbelief. Lorelai looks down, knowing she's been caught.
"Yeah, but a walk with a purpose." She looks back at him. "I thought I might find you here." Luke stares at her for a moment as Lorelai again tries to decide if he's angry. Then he nods. Lorelai looks up at the house. "This must have been some place." Luke glances around him, as if he's never been there before.
"It was," Luke agrees. He looks back at Lorelai, sorrow showing in his eyes. "I know I probably should have sold it a long time ago." Lorelai shrugs. She walks up to the porch and sits down next to him.
"That's what people kept telling me about the Crap Shack." Luke nods, folding his hands on his knees. "I couldn't sell that place. I'm not even sure I believed I could when I first came back here a few months ago."
"I was surprised you said you were selling it," Luke says. Lorelai smiles softly. "I mean after all the work I put into that place, the least you could have done is offer me some of the profit," Luke jokes. Lorelai chuckles. "Liz told me to sell it years ago after my father died. Since I had moved into the apartment, she said I had no need for it."
"Sometimes you gotta keep things that are important. Things that are memories," Lorelai comments.
"Like houses or boats or a customer's order on a wall."
"Or horoscopes," Lorelai adds softly. Luke glances over at her, finally looking at her for the first time since she showed up. But Lorelai's staring at her hands in her lap. "Probably not the right time to bring that up." Luke nods.
"I don't like that I come off as that kind of guy," Luke says. Lorelai looks over at him questioningly. "The kind of guy that keeps things, hangs on to things to stare at for years." Lorelai shrugs, looking back at her hands.
So here. It obviously means something to you.
But you have to let things go eventually, right?
Yeah, but sometimes you need a little something to remind you. I mean, you wouldn't want to forget everything, would you?
No, there was some stuff I definitely would not want to forget.
Well here, so you don't forget.
Thanks, can I pay you for it?
In coffee, absolutely.
All right. I'm not pining you know.
I know.
Just remembering.
Got it.
Remembering is not pining.
You're absolutely right.
"I don't know where you got the idea that being that kind of guy is a bad thing," Lorelai responds. Luke just plays with his fingers, listening to her. "But you don't hang on to everything, like movie stubs and concert tickets. You hang on to a few things, the important things." Luke nods.
"Yeah, I do," Luke agrees. Lorelai watches him, wondering if he's kept anything from his time with her, but not wanting to ask. He sighs and gets off the porch, walking a few steps away to turn around and look up at the house. "My dad bought this house for my mom the day he proposed to her and gave it to her as a wedding present."
"He sounds like a good man," Lorelai replies.
"He and my mom didn't grow up in Stars Hollow. She grew up in Litchfield and he lived near Boston. So when she said she didn't want to live far from her family, my father started by looking for a place to open his store. After finding that spot, he searched the town for the perfect house, the one he could see himself growing old in with my mother. He said it took him a week but the moment he walked up to this place, walked around inside, he knew it was perfect." Lorelai glances around, taking in the feeling of the old house.
"It seems like a good place to raise a family," Lorelai says softly.
"I was going to propose, you know," Luke tells her. Lorelai whips her head back to look at him, her throat suddenly dry, her lips parted in wonder, trying to figure out if he's saying what she thinks he's saying. After a moment, Luke tears his gaze away from the house and looks at her. "Back when I first bought the Twickham house. I was going to propose."
"Oh Luke…" Lorelai utters, not knowing exactly how to respond.
"I always thought it was classic the way my father had done it," Luke says and shrugs. "I said to myself, if I ever decide to get married, I want to do it the same. And I don't know there was something about that house. I could see us in it, raising our family."
"Family?" Lorelai repeats.
"But then you went on and on about possibly taking that job with that guy who wanted to buy your inn and I thought you weren't ready to settle down, that what we had might not be forever."
"Luke, I didn't know…" Luke raises a hand to stop her.
"I know. I just thought…" He shrugs. "I just thought you should know." Lorelai purses her lips, looking away, remembering the night she had proposed.
You bought a house without telling me?
What?
A house? I mean, a house is huge!
Yeah I know, that's why I told you.
A house full of kids?
No, a plant, don't forget the plant.
Please don't do that, okay? Or any other address or life changing decisions? Please include me in!
I will. I am. I'm sorry. I won't. I will.
Okay.
Sorry.
Kids would be good.
"The house was beautiful," Lorelai says softly. Luke nods.
"Yeah, you said that." Lorelai looks at him sadly.
"I'm sorry Luke, I didn't know about your dad."
"You shouldn't be sorry. It was different. My mom and dad, they were 20 when they got married. They hadn't really lived enough to have to fit other things into the life they were building together. They hadn't ever lived outside of their parents' houses." Lorelai nods, looking down at her hands. Luke puts his hands on his hips, walking around the driveway, kicking a few stones. Lorelai stands and brushes herself off. She walks over to him and touches his shoulder.
"Come on," she says, motioning down the driveway with her head. Luke nods, understanding. She wraps a hand around his arm, leading him away. They walk in silence most of the way.
"Luke, why didn't you ever tell Loren?" Lorelai asks, finally breaking in the silence, looking up at him curiously.
"About us?" Lorelai shakes her head.
"No, about today, what today is, what it means," Lorelai explains.
"I don't like to talk about it. I just like to be by myself. Think my own thoughts." Lorelai scoffs.
"She's your daughter, Luke. She's your world."
"Yeah, but she has things she doesn't tell me," Luke claims. Lorelai presses her lips together, giving him a 'yeah right' kind of look. "I don't really tell anyone about today."
"You told me," Lorelai reminds him.
"Yeah but you... you were different," Luke responds. Lorelai furrows her eyebrows, puzzled by his comment. "She didn't need to know."
"About her grandfather?" Lorelai asks.
"He wasn't…" Luke huffs. "She never knew him."
"Well maybe if you had told her something about him, she might have wanted to know more about him," Lorelai replies. Luke shrugs.
"I don't want her to see that about me. I don't want her to see me as anyone but her father who loves her and provides her with food and shelter and watches out for her."
"And telling her about your father would change that?" Lorelai asks. Luke nods.
"She doesn't seem me as grumpy or antisocial, no matter what ideas you put in her head. She only sees what I let her see."
"Oh right, your fabulous secret of parenting," Lorelai responds, her voice dripping with sarcasm.
The secret of parenting…. You visualize the reality you want... And if necessary, you lie to bring it about.
That's so much worse than I thought.
"Again, if that's what's necessary," Luke insists.
"And you think lying to her is the answer? You think it's best for your daughter not to know who you really are?" As they walk up the drive to Lorelai's house, Luke stops in his tracks, turning to her.
"If she knew, she might not love me," Luke responds dejectedly.
"Oh Luke, you're her father, you're her world, nothing could change that."
"I don't want to take that chance, I know what can happen when a child is disappointed with her parent," Luke counters. Lorelai's mouth drops open, a hurt expression on her face. Luke looks down at the ground.
"I can't believe you just threw that in my face," Lorelai says softly, her voice trembling as she tries not to cry.
"Sorry, Lorelai, I shouldn't have. I warned you that you shouldn't be around me on this day," Luke reminds her. He turns and walks over to the garage, opens the door and walks inside. Lorelai purses her lips, folding her arms across her chest, as she tries to forget what Luke just said.
Swallowing her pain, she follows his path into the garage to find him standing next to the boat facing her, his hands on the edge, staring into it. Lorelai sees that his eyes hold as much pain as her own and makes the decision to let go of his insensitive comment. She walks around the boat to stand next to him, touching his arm softly.
"Sorry Lorelai, I didn't mean…" Lorelai squeezes his arm to stop him.
"It's okay," she says softly. He looks over at her and she can see that his eyes are filled with tears, a vulnerability she's never seen before.
"Thank you," he says, a variety of meanings to his response. Lorelai nods, understanding completely.