Chapter 13: The Things That Killed Our Love

The moment he knew she had left, his life had been forever changed.

Sure, he had moved on. He met Mandy. He married Mandy. They had Loren. But some part of him still lived in the past. Some part of him wondered what life would have been like if things has been different.

The day he stopped by her house to check on Paul Anka and found her note, he thought his life was over.

After their huge fight, the one that would end up being their final one, he had figured she would need a few days cool off. As it was they had already broken off their engagement of a year and destroyed the perfect relationship he had been dreaming of since he met her. After that, he knew it would take more than a few days before they would talk again, but then she had shown up at his place. She had seen Anna. She had cried. And his heart had clenched. And he went into defensive mode.

So he followed her home and they fought. They covered everything. Anna. April. Christopher. Rory. Logan. Liz. TJ. The proposal. The postponement #1. The postponement #2. Paul Anka. The Crap Shack. The Twickham House. His soccer team. Her wedding toast. The proposed elopement #1. The proposed elopement #2. Finally screaming spiteful things to one another meant to be harsh, meant to hurt, meant to tear each other apart, because they were both hurting so much from wanting to be together but didn't know how to look past the pain to the love that caused it. He had supposed that she would get that both of them were angry. Both of them were so hopped up on emotions that neither knew the right thing to say to the other. He had figured she'd take a few days to cool down, just as he had, and both of them would come to their senses.

What he hadn't counted on was her taking his words to heart. He had never expected to walk inside the blue house, he had once almost called his own, and see that note.

The few words scribbled across the page in her indiscriminant handwriting tore him apart. He had read the note over and over hoping that it would at one point make sense. She needed time away. She needed to get away from him, from Stars Hollow, from her memories. But she had said that she would come back.

She never said when.

For weeks he had stared at the phone in the diner. He had kept his cell phone by his bed every night. Daily he had walked over to her house to check on Paul Anka and listen to her answering machine messages, hoping that she would realize he would stop in and leave a message there. No such luck.

He had often thought of picking up the phone and calling her, but what would he say? They had been apart before. Just at the start of their relationship they had been apart. But they had spoken, nightly, sometimes twice nightly, on the phone. And she had begged him to come back, between her sentences he could read that she missed him as much as he missed her. And when he had gotten back and first seen her, the smile on her face was repayment enough for those missing weeks.

So you're here. You're not a mirage.

I told you I was coming back.

But you lied to me repeatedly for weeks so your credibility's been shattered.

I know it's been seven weeks.

Seven weeks.

This time was different. He couldn't call her and flirt and tease her about coming back, because it was his fault she had left. He didn't expect to have her come back with that 'I'm so glad to see you again' smile on her face. And eventually he had realized that he never expected to see her again.

Eventually Mandy had started coming around. She was young but mature beyond her years. She had brought something out in him, the little boy still hidden deep inside. Liz teased him saying that he had gone through a midlife crisis and that eventually he'd realize when he screwed up. But she didn't have to tell him, he knew. Eventually it had just become easier to be that little boy again, let Mandy take care of him, let her love him, let himself be her world, though she could never be his.

After losing Mandy, he thought he would have had no time to think of Lorelai again. He had lost his wife, the woman who was completely devoted to him. He had gained a daughter, whom he could scarcely think of how he was going to take care of. But Lorelai was still on his mind. Every moment of every day, she was still there.

Raising Loren had been easy. He had pictured how Lorelai would have done it with their own child. He had given her rules as Lorelai would have. He had bought her clothes that he suspected Lorelai would have. He had teased her and played with her and loved her as if she was the child he should have had with Lorelai.

But at night, Lorelai wasn't just an idea of a mother. She was a full image in his mind. He could picture her in the nursery rocking Loren to sleep. He imagined her singing to Loren. He could see them tickling Loren and making her laugh and giggle. And the brightest image in his mind was of Lorelai wrapped in his arms, holding Loren close, whispering all her dreams for their child. All the dreams that could have and would have come true if only…

Loren had grown up happy and healthy and seemingly perfect even though lacking in motherly support. He knew that he was her world and he imagined that would always be enough, that loving Loren was his destiny.

That was all fine, until the day the bells on the door above the diner had jingled, surprising him in the afternoon, and he had looked up to see her standing in the doorway. She was like a mystical princess. An angel and a nymph in human form with a bright smile, sparkling eyes and oozing charisma. And it was like no time had passed, she looked just as he had imagined her and just as he remembered her from fifteen years before.

Though it had been rough at first for both of them, both trying to deal with being in each other's presence without only remembering the bad times, they had found a good rhythm. In fact, he imagined that they had returned to the relationship they had once had as friends, long before either one had considered giving into the feelings they both held deep inside. They were close friends. They would banter and tease and laugh and just enjoy each other's company. They loved each other's children and reveled in the fact that they could enjoy this kind of relationship after all this time.

But what still hurt him, was that he knew he still loved her. That would never go away. Once he had known what it was like to touch his lips to hers and have her arch into him. He had been able to hold her close to him at night and breathe in her sweet scent that was so very Lorelai. He had been the one to receive her light caresses and loving smiles. What he had lost was the fact that he had once been the only one for her, the man of her dreams, the person she would go to whenever she felt heartache and the only man she had ever really loved. He had been her home and that was a bitter pill for him to swallow.

He had to go on. Though she was not his, Lorelai was finally back in his life. She would go into his diner once, if not twice a day. They would chat and joke and mock. And now he needed to deal with the idea that this might be as close as he was ever going to get.

So when Loren walked in the diner that afternoon, Luke instantly knew that something was off.

"Hey Pops," Loren teases as she walks in the diner. She saunters up to the counter and leans over to kiss Luke's cheek. "Midafternoon lull?" Loren asks glancing around. Luke follows her gaze as he cleans a few glasses.

"It's been a pretty dull day actually. No one new, just the usuals," Luke says.

"Well that's not surprising. Stars Hollow isn't usually a hopping place in the middle of January," Loren notes. Luke cracks a smile.

"I don't imagine that Stars Hollow is usually a hopping place at all." Loren's mouth drops open in mock horror.

"Of course it is. The firelight festival? The summer madness festival? The Independence Day fireworks? All big tourist attractions. And I know you love them all," Loren responds. Luke chuckles.

"I try to put in an appearance." Loren scoffs.

"Yeah, when I drag you kicking and screaming. You're like a troublesome 8 year old being sent to the principal's office for looking up the little girl's skirts," Loren replies. Now it's Luke's turn to be astonished. Loren rolls her eyes. "Give it up, Dad. I know you by now." Luke shrugs.

"So, how's school going? You glad to be back in the swing of things after winter break?" Luke asks. He grabs a plate of fries from the window and sets it in front of her. Loren shrugs picking up a fry.

"It's okay, I guess. I'm not Lucy," Loren replies.

"Lucy likes school?" Luke asks. Loren raises an eyebrow.

"Lucy is obsessed with school. It's like there's no such thing as boys or TV to her."

"There is no such thing as boys for both of you," Luke responds. Loren giggles.

"Oh Dad, I'm fourteen. The boys took down the no girls allowed sign a year ago."

"Well in your case they're putting it back up. No dating." Loren giggles. "I'm serious Loren." Loren winks and eats another fry. Luke huffs. "Don't be getting any ideas from Lucy's mom, she's not the one I want you going to for boy advice. Face it, boys are two years old, and they'll always act like that until you're 35 and then we'll talk." Loren rolls her eyes smiling.

"Speaking of Lucy's mom, did you see her today?" Loren asks. Luke looks up, trying to remember.

"Actually no. Strange. She must have wanted to go a day without killing herself." He watches Loren's face for a moment. "Why are you asking about Lorelai?" Loren shrugs eating another fry.

"Nicolas wasn't in school today. I thought he was sick and maybe Lorelai mentioned something to you." Luke shakes his head.

"She didn't. She didn't even come in." He glances over at the phone, considering his options. "I could call Sookie to see if she knows," he mumbles. Loren nods, chewing on her fry. Luke sighs. "That would probably be prying. I'm sure everything's all right."

"Da-ad," Loren whines. Luke looks up at her inquisitively. "She's your friend, you have a right to be worried about a friend."

"I'm sure she's fine," Luke insists.

"But what if she's not? You could screw up your friendship in so many ways, Dad, but not taking a moment to check up on her better not be one of them," Loren responds. Luke stares at her, hearing his own words in his head for a moment.

The dog ate chocolate. And I don't know a lot about dogs but I do know they shouldn't eat chocolate. I went to the animal hospital and they were closed and I called Babette and she told me where you lived and you gotta do something! Because this is not my dog, this is my fiancée's dog! She loves him. She named him Paul Anka, which may on the surface not seem like a sign of love, but if you knew her you'd get it. And believe me, there's a lot of ways I could screw up this relationship, but I cannot lose her over the fact that I killed her dog.

"Dad?" Loren calls, bring him back to the present.

"You're right," Luke replies softly. Loren raises an eyebrow. "I can't lose her over the fact that I won't make a two second phone call…" Loren narrows her eyes in confusion.

"Lose her?" Loren repeats, a little confused. But Luke ignores her and picks up the phone, dialing quickly.

"Hi. Michel? No, this is not a prank call." Luke sighs. "No, Michel, I am not calling to harass you. No! No. No. Michel!" Luke shouts. "Just put Sookie on the phone." Loren rests her chin in her hand, enjoying the side of the conversation that she can hear. "Michel, I swear to God, you don't put Sookie on the phone right now I'm going to take my spatula and shove it so far up your ass that… Thank you." Luke shakes his head as he waits. Loren grins and eats a fry. "Hi, Sookie. It's Luke. Yeah I know. Was Lorelai in today? Well do you know why? Do you know if she's at home? Yeah all right, thanks." Luke hangs up sighs. He glances over his shoulder at Loren.

"Anything?" Loren asks. Luke shakes his head.

"She hasn't been in today. Sookie hasn't talked to her. And Michel's the biggest putz alive." Loren giggles. Luke picks up the phone and dials Lorelai's home number. He slowly draws in a deep breath, sharing a look with Loren as the phone continues to ring. "Lorelai! Lorelai, it's me. Call me as soon as you get this!" Luke slams down the phone. "Let's go." Luke motions for Loren to follow him. "Caesar, I'll be back!" Loren jumps off the stool and follows Luke out of the diner.

It takes Luke and Loren barely five minutes to get to Lorelai's house, running as fast as they can. Both being Danes's, their running skills are up to par. Though high school was over for Luke, he still hadn't forgotten his sprinting technique. They arrive outside the house barely panting.

Nicolas and Lucy are sitting on the porch swing. He has his arm wrapped around her and she's leaning into his shoulder. They see Luke and Loren walk up but don't move to greet them. Luke and Loren share a look and walk up to the other side of the porch railing.

"Hey," Luke says, when they reach the porch railing. Nicolas nods to him.

"We were worried when you didn't show up in school and your mom didn't go to work. Is everything okay?" Loren asks in a small voice, surprised to see tears on the face of her normally strong friend.

"Where's your mom?" Luke asks. Nicolas motions upwards with his head. "Her bedroom?" Nicolas nods. "Is she hurt?" Nicolas shakes his head.

"She…" Nicolas glances at Lucy to make sure she's okay. "Today's the anniversary of my dad's death," Nicolas explains.

"Oh wow," Loren whispers, tears coming to her eyes. Luke wraps an arm around her, squeezing her shoulder.

"I'm sorry to hear that guys. Is there anything we can do?" Luke wonders. Nicolas shakes his head, leaning his head back on Lucy's. Luke nods, understanding. "Okay." Luke steps back, although hesitant to leave.

"Luke," Lucy says softly. "Can you stay?" Luke nods.

"We're here for you guys," Luke promises. He motions for Loren to go join Lucy on the swing. Loren climbs the steps, sitting on the other side of Lucy. She lays her head on her friend's shoulder, wrapping her arms around Lucy's arm.

"Thanks," Lucy whispers hoarsely, a tear running down her cheek.

"I would tell you that this is the first anniversary and promise that everything's going to get better, but I can't," Luke says. "All I can say is that I know exactly what you're going through." Loren watches her father, having never really heard these words from him before.

"How old were you when your dad died?" Lucy asks in a small voice.

"I was 18. I had just finished high school and I thought that nothing could hurt me. Little did I know that my dad would be diagnosed with cancer and dead within the next few months." Loren gasps.

"Oh Luke, that's terrible," Lucy says. Luke nods, folding his hands on the railing.

"How'd you get over it?" Nicolas asks.

"I never did," Luke replies, focusing on Loren. "Every year on that anniversary of my dad's death I have a dark day. I don't talk to anyone. I don't work. I just mope around." Luke shrugs. "It was better than hurting the ones I loved because I was in pain."

"Dad, you could have told me," Loren says.

"Yeah. I should have Loren," Luke realizes.

"Lorelai knows, doesn't she?" Loren asks. Luke nods. "Why did you tell her?" Luke steps away from the railing, glancing over at the chuppah.

I still don't know why I'm doing this.

You're doing it for your dad.

Yeah I guess. Although, he's dead so he'd never know if I was doing it any different.

He knows. He's got the big Luke picture screen on twenty-four hours a day and he watches and smiles.

"Because she understood my dad even though she never met him," Luke responds vaguely. Loren smiles to herself as she rubs Lucy's arm. "Anyways, I just want you guys to know that if you ever need anyone to talk to, you can come to me. I'm always here."

"Thanks Luke," Lucy answers with a soft smile. Nicolas nods his agreement.

"I'm going to head up to check on Lorelai, you guys going to be okay?" Luke asks. Lucy nods, snuggling close to Loren.

"We'll be fine. Mom needs you," Nicolas says. Luke glances up at the window where he knows Lorelai's bedroom is. He wonders for a moment if there's a Frisbee up there and smiles to himself.

Winking at Loren, Luke walks in the house.

After all this time, Luke hasn't forgotten his way through the house and up to Lorelai's bedroom. He pauses, tapping lightly on the door. But, as he figured, there is no response. "Lorelai," he calls softly as he opens the door.

The scene on the other side of the door is a surprise to him. Lorelai lays on her bed, on her side of the bed, at least the side that had been hers back when he shared the bed with her. She is laying flat on her back, looking up at the ceiling. There are no tissues strewn about and there are no streaks of tears on her cheeks.

"Lorelai?" Luke calls again, walking up to the bed. Lorelai wipes a hand across her eyes as if she's been crying.

"Are they worried?" she asks softly.

"Well you've been up here the whole day," Luke responds. Lorelai nods and smiles.

"Good."

"Good?" Luke repeats questioningly. Lorelai nods, folding her hands over her stomach.

"Yeah, good. They need to think that I'm that upset." Luke sighs, climbing onto the bed, kneeling next to her. Lorelai looks up at him sorrowfully. "I feel terrible. I'm a horrible person." She sighs, fiddling with her fingers. "I miss him, but not like I should. I never should have married him."

"Lorelai," Luke says, touching her shoulder gently. "Did you love him more than Max?" Lorelai furrows her eyebrows in confusion.

"What does that have to do with Larry?" Luke shrugs.

"You didn't marry Max. I'm just wondering why you married Larry and not Max."

"Oh."

"Rory said you didn't marry Max because of Christopher," Luke says. Lorelai raises an eyebrow.

"Really? She said that?" Lorelai chuckles to herself. "I didn't marry Max because of you."

"Me?"

"You made it pretty clear to me that you have to love the person you're marrying and they have to love you as you are." Luke frowns, trying to remember this conversation.

I guess, for some people, marriage, you know, isn't the worst thing in the world. I mean, it's probably better than being hobbled or something like that.

And people can evolve together, don't you think?

Maybe.

Yoko and John Lennon did. They just got closer and closer as the years went by. At the end, they had the same face.

Yeah, it got a little spooky.

But cool.

Yeah, they were lucky. I guess if you can find that person, you know, who's willing to put up with all your crap and doesn't want to change you or dress you or, you know, make you eat French food, then marriage can be all right. But that's only if you find that person.

Yeah, if you find that person.

"And Max wasn't that person?" Luke asks. Lorelai shrugs, looking back up at the ceiling.

"He didn't love me for me. Christopher didn't love me for me." Lorelai purses her lips. "And I never loved them either."

"And Larry?" Luke asks. Lorelai glances at him and shakes her head.

"We shouldn't have gotten married. I was an angel to him, a saint, I wasn't me." Lorelai slowly lets out a deep breath. "And I never loved him. I hate myself for marrying him and never loving him and taking the best part of him. I think that's the worst part. I never loved him. He married me, spent almost 14 years with me. He could have been with someone else. Someone more deserving. I kept him from 'her', whoever she is, because I'm selfish. Because he treated me like a goddess and I loved it and he was willing to settle for a women who didn't love him and be a father to her children." Luke rubs Lorelai's arm softly.

"I guess it was his decision." Lorelai shrugs and sits up, turning to face Luke.

"I see him in Lucy. Every moment of every day, I see him in Lucy. And I can try to pretend it away all I want but it's there. And I'm lying to my daughter. She thinks I'm up here upset because my husband is dead but really I'm just feeling guilty because he never got to be with a woman who deserved him." Lorelai sniffs as tears finally fall. Luke wraps his arms around her, hugging her to him as she cries, his fingers rubbing circles on her back and gently stoking her hair.

"Shh, Lorelai don't say that," Luke murmurs. "He loved you. He wanted to be with you."

"I'm a horrible person," Lorelai cries. "I push away those that I love and I hurt the ones who love me, because my dream is to have the whole package and in order to get that I destroy any hope I have of being happy and I don't know what to do. I'm pathetic. I'm a failure as a person."

"No, you're not," Luke insists. Lorelai wipes her eyes, leaning completely against Luke now. "No, you're not."

After a moment, Lorelai pulls back, looking up at Luke. "You know, you're really good at that."

Anything I can do?

You know, there are very few times in my life when I find myself sitting around thinking, 'I wish I was married', but today. I mean, I'm happy. I like my life. I like my friends. I like my stuff. My time, my space, my TV.

Yeah, sure.

But every now and then, just for a moment, I wish I had a partner, someone to pick up the slack. Someone to wait for the cable guy, make me coffee in the morning, meet the stupid sink before it gets sent back to Canada.

What happened?

I thought I had everything under control but I didn't and then inn is just falling apart. This has been my dream forever and I have it and it's here and I'm failing. I can't handle it. I just spend every minute running around and working and thinking. And I thought I would have some help but Sookie has Davey and Michel has Celine and I'm… I can't do it all by myself. And I don't even have time to see my kid. And, hell, forget see her just even talk to her and I miss her. And I sat there in my parents' house just listening to my grandmother call me a charity case and I couldn't even argue with her. I couldn't even say anything because I am. I'm running out of money and I don't know what to do about it and I was gonna – I was gonna ask you for thirty thousand dollars at dinner tonight. That's how pathetic I am.

Thirty thousand dollars. Well, okay, I mean if you –

I don't want to talk about it now. I don't want to think about it. I'm failing. I'm failing.

You are not failing.

I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do.

It's okay.

Luke cracks a small smile. "I'm just always there when things fall apart," he tells her. Lorelai nods, leaning back against him.

"Oh Luke, I just… I shouldn't have ever married him," Lorelai whispers, shaking her head.

"Shhh, Lorelai. It's okay. Everything's going to be okay," Luke whispers into her hair. Lorelai closes her eyes, just feeling his arms around her, comforting her, and lets go, at least for the moment, of all the mistakes she's made, of everything gone wrong.