Chapter 17: Yes, I've Hurt Your Pride
The next morning, Lorelai wakes up still wrapped in Luke's arms. "Mmmm," she moans, snuggling into him. Luke wakes up only enough to move his hand to the back of her head, threading his fingers through her hair. "I could get used to this." Luke kisses the top of her head, a smile on his face.
"Me too," Luke murmurs, clearly not awake. Lorelai reaches over, tracing patterns on Luke's cheek and neck, tittering when he doesn't respond.
"Wakey, wakey," she coos.
Suddenly, Luke reaches up with the hand that's not in her hair and grabs hers that's teasing him. "Lorelai," he warns.
"Luke," Lorelai responds using the same voice.
"I'm trying to sleep."
"I'm trying to keep you from sleeping."
"I got that." Lorelai giggles. She places a few small kisses right below his ear.
"Come on Luke, wake up. Play with me," she begs.
"Dirty," Luke grunts, his hand moving from her hair back to her arm and rubbing gently. Lorelai snuggles in against him. Finally she taps his chest.
"Luke, you're not waking up," she notes.
"Early," he grunts.
What time is it?
Early.
Hate early. Must kill early. Okay, I gotta get up.
Why?
Work. Inn. Buy shoes. Oh my God, I can't move. I need coffee.
I don't have coffee up here, it's all downstairs.
"Coffee!" Lorelai whines. Luke groans.
"I forgot how much I hate waking up with you in the morning," Luke grumbles, his fingers running over her arm to let her know he's joking.
"Oh, Luke I am a joy at all times."
"Well there's no coffee in this house, it's all in the diner, and I'm not about to let you walk around the corner in my shirt," Luke mutters. Lorelai leans on her elbow looking up him.
"So you're going to go get it?" Lorelai ask happily.
"Does it look like I'm going to?"
"Lu-uke! I want it! I need it!" Lorelai whines.
"Coffee does not make the world go 'round."
"It makes my world go around," Lorelai responds.
"You know, sometimes I wish the stuff would've killed you already," Luke crabs, kissing her forehead and then pushing himself into a sitting position. He glances over at the clock and groans. "I have Caesar open for me and you make me get up at this time? What happened to sleepy Lorelai? I want her back."
"Well whine about it, why don't you?" Lorelai shoots back. Luke shakes his head and then rubs his hands over his face trying to wake up. "Remember I lived in a different time zone for fifteen years." Luke drops his hands into his lap and stares at her.
"There are two things wrong with that statement there, Crazy Lady. First, California is 3 hours behind us, so it would actually be 4:30 right now in San Francisco. Second, you've lived here for six months now, so don't tell me that Eastern Standard Time hasn't caught up with you yet." Lorelai grins.
"It can't catch me, I'm the little gingerbread man," Lorelai jokes. She sits up, kneeling on the bed next to him. He watches her expression for a moment, watching her smile form into a straight line, noting the more serious look on her face. He reaches up and gently plays with her hair.
"What are you thinking about?" he asks.
"You. Me." She shrugs. "Us. This." She motions between them and then flails her hand down at the bed.
"I think we did pretty good." Lorelai rolls her eyes, blushing.
"That's not what I meant."
"Well what did you mean?" Lorelai takes Luke's other hand in hers, playing with his fingers thoughtfully.
"We're doing this. I mean we're together. It's been so long, Luke. And I've missed it so much." She looks up at him. "I've missed you so much. I missed us so much." Luke nods, his hand still playing with her hair. "I mean I love this. Us. And I don't just mean the dirty stuff." She winks, then she shrugs, looking back down at their hands. "I liked just us being together," she finishes softly.
Look, I like doing things with you. I'm surprised I have to tell you that.
You don't have to tell me.
I like going shopping with you. I like having dinner with Sookie and Jackson. But the actual shopping seems a little pointless and Sookie's kids have driven me up a wall, but you're there and I like hanging with you.
I know that.
And I could have been fun at that recital. I mean, you're probably sitting there mocking most of it. I can mock stuff.
Oh you're a great mocker! I was only thinking of you when I mentioned camping. You haven't been camping since we got together and I was feeling weird about that. You should do the things you like.
I do do the things I like.
Well I wasn't getting rid of you! I want you to do whatever you want with me. I know that sounded dirty, and dirty things count, but I didn't mean the dirty things. You and me can hang whenever, wherever.
"I liked that too," Luke says softly, letting his hand travel down her arm to her hand and squeezing her hand. "I liked us just being able to hang. Let loose. Just be. Just us." Lorelai nods.
"That's why we were friends first," Lorelai reminds him.
"I'm sorry it got-" he begins but stops when Lorelai covers his mouth with her hand.
"No. No, Luke. No 'I'm sorry's'. No apologies. We can look back but not to that. Only the good stuff. The horoscope. The chuppah. My proposal. All good things. It happened and it sucks, but I don't want to spend the rest of my life wishing we could have had more. I do, don't get me wrong, but us, now, I'm glad that we at least have that," Lorelai insists. Luke watches her eyes for a moment, searching for the hidden sadness that he saw for the last few months when they had been together before, but her eyes are open and clear blue. And he knows, she's telling the truth.
"So what now?" he asks, wanting to lighten the mood.
"Coffee." Luke rolls his eyes.
"Shoulda known that was coming." He sighs. "Okay, okay, get dressed and we'll go get you some coffee and then you can go home and send my daughter home." Lorelai nods but doesn't move. "Do I have to blow a starter pistol?" Lorelai giggles.
"No, I just…" She cups his face in her hands and kisses him fully on the mouth. "I love you." Luke has a boyish grin on his face as Lorelai sits back.
"You know that's not going to keep me from giving you decaf, right?" Lorelai laughs. Luke rubs her arm and give her a quick peck on the lips. "Just looking out for your best interests," he reminds her.
Lorelai walks in her house, trying to be quiet in case the kids are still asleep. She sets her keys on the table by the door and softly sets her purse down before walking into the living room. She takes off her coat, switching her to-go cup of coffee from hand to hand and turns to walk into the kitchen and freezes in her tracks. Lucy and Loren are standing in the doorway, their arms folded over their chests. Nicolas stands behind them. "Okay, I'm guessing we're not reenacting the Knights who say Ni," Lorelai figures. Lucy shakes her head. Lorelai sighs, her hands going to her hips. "So what's the story Morning Glory?" Silently, Lucy hands Lorelai the picture from the Christening. "I'm sorry, I didn't realize I was coming home to a game of charades."
"Mom," Lucy warns. Lorelai frowns and looks down at the picture.
"Well, you showed this to me a week ago. I'm not sure I get why we're reenacting that whole scene," Lorelai says.
"Because this time I want the truth," Lucy demands. Lorelai slowly looks up at Lucy, squinting her eyes as if slowly dissecting her daughter.
"The truth…" Lorelai says slowly. She nods looking down at the picture. "You don't want me to tell you the truth, you already know the truth."
"I can handle the truth," Lucy says. Lorelai smirks.
"Okay then, Jack Nicholson, I get that," Lorelai quips, but Lucy doesn't smile. Lorelai sighs again. "So it's going to be this way." She glances over at Loren. "And you know this too?"
"Mom," Lucy says quietly. Lorelai nods, pursing her lips.
"Okay, fine, I give in. I am Spartacus," Lorelai says, putting up her hands. "Your sister's a blabbermouth."
"Actually, Rory isn't the one who told us," Lucy comments. "In fact, Rory refused to tell us."
"Well I raised one right," Lorelai mutters.
"But Grandma told us and Babette and just about everyone we could walk up to ask and mention you and Luke in the same sentence," Lucy adds, an annoyed tone to her voice.
"Oh Luce…"
"I don't get it. Babette can know! And Rory! And the entire world! So why wouldn't you tell us that you and Luke were once together? That you were once engaged? Why couldn't you tell us?" Lucy exclaims. Lorelai bites her bottom lip.
She stares at her younger daughter, seeing so much of herself in the girl at this moment. Seeing the frustration going on inside. She remembers her frustration with her parents, annoyed with them for running her life the way they wanted and she wonders for a moment if that's what she has done with Lucy. Had she just kept Lucy in the dark so that Lucy would never know what her life could have been like? And she's still not sure why she kept this as a secret. She knows deep down that Lucy and Nicolas had a great life in San Francisco, that she had done her best to make sure they were happy even if she wasn't. So why did she tell them about Max and never casually mention that she had also been engaged to Luke? And she knows why. Because with Max there was a simple answer to their breakup, she had never loved him.
But with Luke, it hadn't been simple. From the moment they met things had been confusing. For years she hadn't been sure about how she felt about him, about what he meant to her, about how their relationship actually worked. And when they had gotten together, everything had been so complex. They hadn't known how to tell their friends. They hadn't known how to move their relationship along. They hadn't known how to deal with Christopher or her parents or April or Rory. They hadn't ever figured out how to be just them, it was too complicated, they had let everything else in their lives complicate their relationship, until they weren't even sure they had a relationship anymore, until they couldn't see each other through all the muck.
I've been waiting for a long time and I don't want to wait anymore.
I have to think this through.
No!
I have April.
Well you're going to have to figure out how April fits into our lives not the other way around.
I'm trying.
Well, try married.
Just wait!
No, I'm not waiting it's now or never.
I don't like ultimatums.
I don't like Mondays but unfortunately they come around eventually.
I can't just jump like this.
Well I'm sorry to hear that. And I have to go.
And at this moment she thinks back to that first day back in Stars Hallow, just a few months before, when she had watched The Way We Were. She remembers trying to put herself into Katie's place, thinking about Katie who had wished for the future, for the time when she and Hubbell were old so that they could be done with all the confusing parts of their relationship, so that they could live uncomplicated lives, like they had when they were younger. But Hubbell had been right, it was never uncomplicated. Her relationship with Luke had never been easy, even before they were together, it was never uncomplicated. Maybe that's the reason why they had turned out just like Katie and Hubbell. Everything else had always gotten in the way of the idea that their relationship was about them, her and Luke, and no one else, it was about them being happy and in love and being joyful in the times of just being together.
"Mom," Lucy says softly. "Is it true?" Lorelai looks at Lucy's concerned expression, Loren's mystified look and Nicolas's stony expression.
"Yes, Lucy, Loren, Nicolas. Luke and I were once together," Lorelai confirms softly and almost sadly. Lucy and Loren share a look. "What?" Loren hands Lorelai the small box and Lucy hands Lorelai the piece of paper.
"Sorry, Mom, but we needed to know and we weren't getting anywhere asking you," Lucy says. Lorelai furrows her eyebrows and watches her daughter for a moment, seeing more of herself in Lucy than ever before, finally seeing that Lucy's not a female version of Larry, but a younger version of herself, including all her faults. She tears her gaze from Lucy and looks down at the box, slowly opening it.
"Oh," she gasps quietly running a finger over the ring. "I forgot I had this."
"You didn't," Loren informs her. Lorelai looks up with surprise. "I found it in a box in the closet of my space above the diner."
"He has a Lorelai box?" Lorelai realizes, almost delighted with the idea. Loren nods.
"Yes, he does, and you have a Luke box," Lucy adds. Lorelai purses her lips, finally understanding what's been going on while she and Luke have been out. "And while we will discuss later some of the strange things we found, first I want to know about that paper I found in your box." Lorelai looks down at the paper, reading it over, as if she doesn't know what it says. She bites her lip, reading it over again. Then she looks up at Nicolas with misty eyes. He stares at her, giving her a cold gaze, one that she recognizes as Luke's, having seen it once reflected at her in Doose's Market.
Fine. You want to know what I'm thinking right now? That I can't be in this relationship, it's too much.
She swallows hard, closing her eyes for a moment. "Why don't you guys have a seat," Lorelai finally suggests when she opens her eyes again, motioning to the couch. Lucy and Loren agreeably walk over and sit on the couch. Nicolas folds his arms, leaning against the door frame. "Nicky?"
"The name is Nicolas. Nicolas O'Donnell. And I'm fine right where I am," Nicolas states. Lorelai nods, a little shaken by his tone, and walks over to sit on the coffee table, setting her coffee cup beside her. Then she folds her hands in her lap, glancing first over at Nicolas and then at the two girls that sit in front of her. Her mouth is completely dry.
"What do you want me to say? Where should I start?"
"Start with you dating my dad," Loren says simply. Lorelai nods, relieved to be allowed a few moments to talk about the good times before they get to things she'd rather not talk about.
"Well, you probably have already heard that we knew each other long before we started dating. 8 years in fact," Lorelai begin, she shakes her head, smiling to herself. Lucy nods. "And we dated a lot of people. You know, Max, Jason, Rachel, Nicole. Course he dated the girls and I dated the guys, this wasn't a Chasing Amy type of thing." Loren wrinkles her nose. Lorelai pats her knee. "Don't worry. But through all that we were friends. Just friends. I don't know, maybe I had feelings for him."
Do you have feelings for this man?
I don't know. Maybe I do. I haven't given it much thought. Maybe I do.
Lorelai smiles to herself. "And everyone thought that you did?" Lucy asks. Lorelai shakes her head.
"No, just Mom. Everyone thought he had feelings for me," Lorelai answers. Lucy cocks her head. "You know, Sookie, Rory, Patty, Babette, all of Stars Hollow and most of the western hemisphere." Lucy giggles. Lorelai smiles. "I'm not sure if he did. Maybe. I think possibly. But I also think he probably didn't realize it if he did. Anyways, we had other people in our lives."
"He got married, you got engaged," Lucy rattles off.
"Right. Not at the same time, of course. But, correct anyway. Finally, I broke up with Jason right before the test run of the Dragonfly and Luke wasn't with anyone and, I dunno, for some reason he decided to take me to Liz's wedding with him."
"My aunt Liz?" Loren asks. Lorelai nods.
"Yeah. She almost didn't get married until I showed up with some needle and thread to fix her torn dress."
"Ever Supergirl," Lucy teases. Lorelai winks.
"Exactly. But something changed that night. I think I finally saw him, I mean the real him, not the friend him, but more than that. And we danced and it was… amazing. Like that scene at the beginning of Moulin Rouge where Christian and Satine dance on the clouds."
"Wow," Lucy says in awe. Both girls are completely enthralled with the tale, imagining their parents much younger and falling in love. Lorelai nods.
"It was really just wow." She shrugs. "And then he asked me to the movies and he brought me flowers when he showed up for the test run."
"My dad?" Loren interrupts. Lorelai nods. "My dad brought you flowers?" Lorelai nods again.
"Only time he's ever done it I'm guessing," Lorelai remarks.
"I'll say," Loren mutters.
"And that night, when everyone, or most people, had gone to bed, he kissed me."
"Wow," Lucy says again.
"And then he went to Maine."
"How romantic," Loren notes with sarcasm.
"Well your aunt and uncle had hurt themselves in a car crash and he went to run Liz's shop for the summer."
"How strange," Loren adds.
"Indeed," Lorelai agrees. "And when he came back we went out a couple times, and it took no time for us to take our relationship from friends to… well… more than friends." Loren wrinkles her nose again. "Because we were still best friends. We could still tell each other everything. We just had the added benefits of having feelings for each other and knowing it and knowing that we could kiss each other anytime we wanted."
Hey Luke?
Yup?
You cooking this is so sweet…
But?
I just figured, you know, we'd go to Luke's for breakfast.
Why?
Because I like Luke's breakfast.
I am Luke.
I know.
This is the same stuff I make at the diner.
I know.
So what's the difference?
Well, the difference is, while you are Luke, we are not at Luke's.
So?
Well I have my things, you know? I have certain things and one of my things is going to Luke's. And just because I now have 'dating Luke' doesn't mean I want to lose my 'cooking Luke'.
But I am cooking and I am Luke.
-
The point is that, while some things have changed, and that's great, I don't want everything to change completely.
"It was really the best of both worlds," Lorelai remarks softly.
"So if it was so great, then why did you guys break up?" Lucy asks.
"Well we got engaged."
"And that's why you broke up?" Loren asks. Lorelai shakes her head.
"No, Rory and I got in that big fight and I proposed to Luke." Lucy and Loren share a look.
"Yeah, we know that, Lorie's still trying to digest the fact that her father is a sissy," Lucy kids.
"He wasn't a sissy or any of that. In fact, I recently learned he was going to propose as well. I just beat him to it because the moment I realized that he was the one, that he was the only one, that he loved me and he loved Rory, that he would do anything for us, he always had and always would, the moment I realized that, I just wanted him to know I knew he was the one. I wanted him to know that I wanted him around in the morning and that he was legally required to be there."
"Love that movie," Lucy interjects. Lorelai nods.
"But I told him I didn't want to get married until Rory came home and he said he was okay with that. And when Rory came around, Sookie and I planned the wedding in one day, perfect dress, perfect church, perfect everything. And it was all working out so perfectly."
It's really hard to get married. Believe me, I should know. I mean, seriously, because Lane is married and next thing it'll be my daughter and then my granddaughter, but not me. I'm not getting married. No, it ain't for me. It's not in the cards. But, hey, do you know what date I'm not getting married? June 3rd. Do not save the date. Do you hear me? Do whatever you want on June 3rd, because there's nothing at all happening on that day. If there's anything you need to book or anything, it's totally safe to book it on June 3rd.
Lorelai shakes her head looking down at her hands. "You planned the wedding?" Lucy asks and notices Lorelai's not in the moment. "Mom!" Lorelai looks up. "You planned the whole thing?" Lorelai nods.
"June 3rd," she says hoarsely. "We were supposed to get married on June 3rd."
"So what happened?" Loren wonders. "Did Dad back out?" Lorelai shakes her head.
"No. Maybe. I don't… a lot of things happened Loren. Your sister showing up. Not that April showing up was a bad thing, but it complicated things. Luke didn't tell me about her for two months and then couldn't figure out how to fit both of us into his life." Lorelai shakes her head. "I couldn't figure out how to tell him what I wanted. I was so afraid of losing him." Lorelai purses her lips, looking down, running a finger around the rim of her coffee cup. "He was the only man I ever loved, so I…" Lucy looks up, startled.
"He what?" Lucy gasps. Lorelai looks over at Lucy, suddenly realizing what she just said.
"Oh Luce…" Lorelai touches Lucy's knee gently but Lucy tenses. "I never wanted you to find out. I never wanted…" Lorelai shakes her head looking down. "I loved him so much. I had gotten to a point where I never thought I'd love anyone. But then Larry came around and I just… you can't tell your heart how to feel. Bonnie's right, you can't make someone love you, but you also can't make your heart stop loving someone."
"Lorelai," Loren says and clears her throat. "Did my dad love you?" Lorelai nods. "Does he still love you?" Lorelai nods.
"I'm not saying that your dad never loved your mom, I'm just…" Lorelai shakes her head.
"I get it," Loren says.
"So, I guess I just got really frustrated or something and we fought, the biggest fight ever, at least to that point, and I told him I wanted to elope. I told him now or never and when he didn't respond, I figured it was never. So I left."
"And he didn't go after you?" Lucy asks. Lorelai sighs.
"I guess he did. I found him on my doorstep the next day."
"The next day? Where'd you go?" Lucy wonders. Lorelai bites her lower lip and glances up at Nicolas, who hasn't moved, still leaning against the door frame, arms still folded over his chest.
"To Rory's father's house. I just… I wanted a friend. I wanted to feel like I wasn't alone. I wanted to know that someone loved me because I felt so confused about everything, about Luke. I thought Luke and I were over. I had lost the only man I ever loved. I just wanted to throw caution to the wind." Lorelai shrugs. "I wasn't thinking."
"You cheated with him?" Nicolas asks or, more so, states, an icy tone in his voice that Lorelai had never heard before.
"It wasn't cheating when Luke and I had already broken up. Somehow it felt to me that we were over before that, I already knew it wasn't going to happen, that Luke and I were never going to get married, that whatever wonderful beautiful thing we had created was ending," Lorelai responds.
"But you did?" Loren asks.
"Look girls, it was complicated. I screwed up. But I felt I had lost him a long time ago. You can't understand how I was feeling when I barely understand it myself," Lorelai attempts to explain.
"And when did you find out you were pregnant?" Lucy asks with no sympathy in her voice, no longer taken with Luke and Lorelai's beautiful love story as a child to a fairy tale gone wrong.
"Two days later. I was really really sick. I was nauseous all the time, throwing up. I thought it was just nerves, emotions, but I couldn't keep anything in so I went to the doctor and she was surprised I hadn't realized earlier that I was pregnant. I guess I was just so caught up in the whole Luke mess that I hadn't been paying much attention to anything else. Not even the fact that my clothes were fitting a little tighter than usual."
"And you never told him?" Loren asks. Lorelai looks down at her hands, the memory of that day so clear and fresh in her mind as if reliving it all over again.
"I tried. I went to his apartment to tell him but Anna was there with April and I was just floored. I couldn't move. I couldn't speak. And before I could gain control long enough to speak, Luke threw me out. He said, well-deservingly, that he never wanted to see my face again, that it hurt too much to look at me. And I just ran. I ran here. I couldn't stop crying. I didn't stop crying until Luke came over the next day, still furious. We fought. Unbelievably hard. Like we were fighting for each other while saying these spiteful horrible things. And it ended with Luke telling me to leave and never come back. And so I did."
"Wow," Lucy whispers. "I can't believe it."
"I was only going to leave for a week. But I went to a coffee shop in San Fran, searching for the perfect cup of coffee, the only thing I figured could pull me at all out of the dumps and Larry was there. And he was so kind. So gentle. We ended up talking and joking about coffee, about how bad the coffee was at this place, and for the first moment in almost 6 months, I felt a little at ease with my life. And he took me in and helped me find a job and when I told him I was pregnant, he offered to take care of me and my son, no questions asked."
"You could have said no, you could have brought me home to my real father," Nicolas spits out. Lorelai shakes her head.
"I didn't see that as an option. He hated me. Cold, white hatred. Nicolas, you weren't there, you don't know what I saw then, you don't know how much I was dying inside. I thought he was moving on with Anna and April. I thought he'd take you away from me. I thought…" She sighs. "So many things, some of them seem crazy now, but I think I was, a little, at that point. There was that look on his face, in his eyes, it was cold and …and I just… it would have killed me to see that look on his face and hear those words from his mouth over and over again. I'm sorry, I know I was selfish, but I just couldn't face him again. I thought he could never forgive me."
"So you lied to me." Lorelai sighs, flopping her hands in her lap.
"I did what I thought was best for you Nicky. I was too tired and broken to raise you on my own and Larry, he was just there. Before I knew it we were married and I was pregnant again. You needed someone to love you, to be there for you when I couldn't be. And I just couldn't be then. You don't know, I'm not sure Larry ever knew, but one day, before I knew I was pregnant with Lucy, I grabbed you and took you to the airport, prepared to take you back to Stars Hollow, to give you to the man who was your father. I got to the airport and the lines were long so I sat down to rest for a minute and time just flew by. I couldn't move. I couldn't move forward and I couldn't go back. I was just stuck in this whole limbo thing. And then my cell rang and it was Larry, calling because he was worried, calling because he loved me, because he loved you. So I went back to him, because he wanted us. Because there you would grow up happy and I would at least be loved. I did it because I love you," Lorelai claims. Nicolas shakes his head.
"You don't deserve my love," Nicolas responds and walks out, slamming the door behind him. Lorelai chokes back a sob, covering her mouth with her hand. Lucy reaches out and touches Lorelai's arm.
"Mom, does Luke know?" Lucy asks. Lorelai shakes her head.
"No," Lorelai whispers. She stands, shaky on her feet. "But he will now." She glances over at Loren. "I'm sorry. Both of you, I'm sorry."
"Here," Loren says, holding out a key. "Use the room above the diner." Lorelai shares a look with Loren. "I'm not saying I understand, but Lorelai you're a good person. I guess, everyone makes mistakes, sometimes they're small but they can snowball out of proportion. My mom did that too. You remind me of my mom."
You know you remind me of my mom.
Wow, is she handy with the glitter?
She painted a mural on my wall in nailpolish one night.
Cool.
I think you'd like her.
"You never met your mom," Lorelai notes. Loren shrugs.
"I guess, from what my dad has told me about my mom," Loren responds. "I guess from the picture I had of her in my mind. Funny. Colorful. Always life of the party. Open. Understanding. Stubborn. Beautiful. And most of all, courageous." Lorelai nods, she stares at Loren for a moment and then walks out onto the porch.
She knows what Luke has told Loren about her mother without ever asking Loren. She knows. The picture he's given her is Lorelai, not Mandy. She just knows it. And for a moment, Lorelai thinks about going inside and telling Loren this. But little white lies never hurt anyone, she figures. As long as they don't snowball.