The Author does not own Neon Genesis Evangelion or any of the related characters. If the creators of Evangelion wish it, this story will be removed from the web.
OH MY GOD! I'm sorry, people, I've just had too much going on to update! It's so hot in the state in which I live, Michigan, being that, in Michigan, I take residence, and I did or did not live here all my life but I did or did not make trips to Canada (Oh, KANEDA! For all you Akira fans out there) and I did or did not self-insert a strange creature in here that resembles who I want to be, and I hath calleth him the Author. I have been in court for the past few millennia, on a case that should have been dead weeks ago. I apologize for the lack of updates.
Ugh! That first scene was a killer! To keep with the ever-changing guidelines that need my CONSTANT RENEWAL, I've had to turn all my jokes about SPECIFIC PEOPLE (grmblgrmblenGoodMorningAmericacrewgrmble) to titles instead of the actual names, which would have made things a hell of a lot funnier. Last chapter I had to cut out the names of certain Australians, whom you may recognize in the obviously changed name of 'Kangaroo Hunter', and 'Random Rockstar' was a certain singer featured in The Spy Who Shagged Me, although not the one who was in International Man of Mystery. One good thing: These new guidelines severely restrict those goddamned Self-Insert Mary Sues, if my understanding of the term is correct, and the definition has not changed in the last two seconds.
THIS STORY EXISTS FOR THE SOLE PURPOSE OF AUTHOR'S NOTES. THANK YOU.
It has been determined that the proud owners of NERV Psychiatric Ward shall not sue Omega Z. We encourage this type of thing, as long as it doesn't mean plagiarism. Or spamming. Hey, we're all fic authors here.
NERV Psychiatric Ward
Chapter Two: The Long-Awaited Update that the Author Felt Should be Used, As Well as a Few More Upcoming Updates, to Do Chapters Without the Signiature Crossovers Until Later.
"It's been upwards of ninety degrees, and the humidity has been 100 for the past several weeks. Ouch. Back to you, Newscaster."
"Thanks, Weatherman (Dooo-dodo-DOOOOO!). Now, in other news, Mr. Random Politician has been-"
'FZAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK'
'BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM'
(I would greatly appreciate it if someone would e-mail me a list of explosion written sounds (Onomatopoeia). I have a lot of great vocal ones, but they can't be written! God help me. You can contact me at even get your name mentioned.)
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!" the Author laughed maniacally, surveying the destruction through his tears of insane laughter. That new man-size Positron Rifle and/or Spear of Longinus (You said spear!) he'd gotten out of Timmy's Fairly Odd Parents before he'd had a nice game of 'Feed the Eva' with the staff. Unit 01 and 02 had had a wonderful time, that being the first good meal they'd had since Zureul. Unit 00, unfortunately, had been unable to find it's mouth. Units 03, 04, and 05 had been in the infamous 'Cage Thirteen' also known as 'The Eva Crappers' for obvious reasons. People run and die when Unit 01 gets blocked up. The noise it makes is awful.
"Hahahahaha!" The Author howled, his green eyes tinted red by bloodlust. "Gunning for weathermen is GREAT! I have to take Fyutsuki and Kaji with me next time!"
"Gurgle… Anchor lady…"
'FZAAK'
"That'll teach you to tell me it's Zero degrees Kelvin." The Author scoffed (For those of you without brains or any education, 0 degrees Kelvin is the technical term for Absolute Zero, when all atomic movement stops). "Now, Epyon!" He shouted, doing the Proud Knight thing "We still have to crush the Japanese weather service! Just because NERV's moved to Australia doesn't mean that ANYONE's safe."
A large green head with multiple large spikes shooting straight upward to form a sort of crown did the Eva scream-roar thing. It held up a sign. Stop killing weathermen and go save NERV from, say, an Angel. And stop calling me Epyon.
"Ah, hell." The Author hissed, kicking a busted camera "Let's go kick Angel Ass."
"VROOOAAAAAAAAR."
"Exactly."
And so, the Author and the Green Eva rode off into the sunset, now Author and Eva, and lived happily ever after. The End.
(For those of you wondering, the Author is a fictional character. He is in no way a part of me, except his sick sense of humor. Oh, and gunning for weathermen.)
HAHAHAHAAAAAAALELUJIAH! HAAAAAAALELUJIA!
"SO YA WANNA BE A MASTER OF-"
"POK-E-MON!"
"NOW YA GOTTA HAVE THE SKILLS TO TRAIN-"
"POK-E-MON!"
"YAY!" Gendo jumped up and down, the dirty apartment that had once been Rei's shaking in fear. The apartment didn't think, that after it's previous owner had left, that it would have to take another person in, but now it was stuck with the former Birthday Bastard.
The Apartment was getting really, really sick of hearing the Pokemon theme.
The episode ended.
'sniffle sniffle'
"WAAAAAAAAAAH!" Gendo burst out, weeping twin waterfalls "Rei took the Pad, home of the Gendo, for herself! My life sucks!"
HAHAHAHAAAAAAALELUJIA! HAAAAAAALELUJIA!
The Good Doctor Akagi laughed evilly, smiling at her new patient roster. Rei was at the top of the list. Ooooh, this was going to be funnnnnnn!
Neon Genesis Evangelion Will now enter Opera Mode, to the tune of Ode to Joy, with full orchestra and background singing. The characters will sing to Ode to Joy, and only Ode to Joy, from here on out.
"DOC-TOR A-KA-GI I WAS TOLD TO COME DOWN HERE FOR PSYYYYCHIATRIIIIC E-VAL-U-A-TI-ON NOW SO PLEASE COME AND DOOOOO YOUR WORST!"
"YES, DEAR Rei, I THINK II SHAAALL, NOW PLEEAASE SIT DOWWWWWN ON THAT BEEEEEED. NOW PLEASE TELL ME HOW YOU FEE-EE-EEEE-EE-L AAAA-BOUT THAT."
"WELL, DEAR DOC-TOR, I HAVE A-A MAA-AA-AA-AA-AA-JOR CRUSH ON SHIN-JI!"
"WELL, LIT-TLE BITCH, WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO AND SCREW HIS AA-ASS OOOOOOFF?"
"NOT BAD AD-VICE DOO-OO-OO-CTOR, I THINK THAT I SHALL TAA-AKE IT. BUT IKARI IS NOT INTERESTED I-IN SE-EE-EEX!"
I THINK I CAN HELP YOU RE-EI. HERE IS THE VICTORIA SEC-RET CAT-A-LOUGE FROM BACK IN MARCH, GO BUY SOME LINGERIE."
"DOCTOR AKAGI, THIS IS THE BOARD OF CE-EE-EEEENSORS. WE WILL HAVE TO STOP YOU THERE. THE WRITER'S GETTING A NO-OSEBLEED."
"VROO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OO-OOR!"
SQUEEUEEUEEEK (record scratch)
"Oh no!" Doctor Akagi yelled, pushing past the board of censors "The music stopped! And I know that scream! It means that-" she stopped as they reached the open cage door. "Oh god."
"L-look at Unit 01 (BLEAGGH!) puked Maya, who was hunched over on the catwalk.
"Oh my god." Rei stated simply, before getting in line for it.
Have any of you figured out what Unit 01 was doing by know?
The author can't say what Unit 01 was doing because the rating would probably go up to the point where it couldn't be shown on but it involved Unit 00 and the Lance of Longinus.
Aaaand… (Cue Looney Tunes opening music).
HAAAAAAAAALELUJIA! HAAAALELUJIA!
9 months later…
Starnge honking noises were issuing from Cage 666, the dreaded 'EVA BIRTHROOM OF DOOM!'
"It's a monster." Rei announced, handing the skirted 13-year-old freak to Unit 00.
"VROOOAR!" Translation: She's so cute! Look, Yui, she's got your eyes and your horn! Unit 00 screeched.
"VROOOOOAAAAR!" Translation: I dub thee Kobayashi the Bitching! Daughter! Let us rule the earth! Unit 01 roared, patting the hideous freak on the head.
"DADA!" The evil thing screeched, and twisted Unit 01's arms to the point that they snapped off.
"VROOOOOOOAAAAAAR!" Translation: Sachiel, you little bastar-Oh. Whoops. Sorry, Kobayashi, I forgot you were here.
BAM!
Unit 00's hand made contact with Unit 01's cheek, then recoiled in pain.
"VROOAAEEER!" Translation: Yui, stop- OW! JESUS, that hurt! YUI, YOU F(BEEP), I'LL KILL YOU, YOU-Oh, not again.
"Wait a minute." Doctor Akagi Senior giggled, popping out of nowhere "If Yui's playing the father, and Unit 00 got pregnant, than that means-YUI HAS A WANG, YUI HAS A WANG, HA HA, HA HA!" The long-dead doctor chanted, making a large puddle on the floor.
A large group of monks in hoods, whacking boards into their heads as they went, sang "Doo-de-doo-doo-doo, Ba-rup-up-up-bum-bum. (WHACK) Moo-moo-meep-moo-moo. Ba-rup-up-up-bum. (WHACK) We've forgotten the words, Ba-rup-up-up-bum-bum, Rup-up-up-bum-bum, Rup-up-up-bum-bum…(WHACK)"
HAAAAAAALELUJIAH! HAAAAAAAAAALELUJIA!
"We have visual on the angel, commander!" Hyuuga shouted, pointing to the large TV the commander liked to watch porno films on after hours. It was a big glowing jester's hat with wings.
"Damn, it looks like a big glowing jester's hat with wings!" Misato exclaimed, having lost her script and relying entirely on the previous line. "Send out our most mentally unstable pilot with a weapon that's affected by gravity far more than it should be and is best suited for space combat and will be forbidden from reaching the angel because of some crappy trigonometric thing, which nobody in this whole frickin' story except maybe the Author understands." Misato gasped, fainting from lack of oxygen.
"Launching Unit 02, equipped with the secondary Positron Rifle, ma'am!" Maya shouted, sending the large red behemoth up the launch tube.00
"WAHOOOO!" Asuka screamed, twisting around in the plug in a very sexual way visible to the whole building, thus providing fanservice (Which we can't read, unfortunately)"That Yebisu's GOOOOOD stuff!"
Misato sniffed, starting to cry happily. "I'm so proud of you, Asuka…(Sniff) Your first attempt at coping with your hopelessly crappy life!"
"YEE-HAW! LET'S KICK SOME ANGEL ASS!"
Unit 02 grabbed the positron rifle that had deployed next to her catapult. "So, pretty angel," The drunken pilot slurred "Watcha' doin' ternight?"
SWITCH VIEWPOINT TO THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE, A.K.A. ARAEL, FIFTEENTH ANGEL
"Scotty, the big red Eva's going to fire soon!" Captain James T. Kirk yelled into the comm. "I need that weapon NOW!"
"It's comin' cap'n!" The scotsman replied from engineering. "But ye gotta understand, cap'n, these things take time and- IT'S READY!" He yelled. "FIRE IT NOW!"
A big rainbow beam lanced away from Arael/Enterprise-A.
SWITCH VIEWPOINT TO UNIT 02
"Mph…mmmph…MMMMPH!" Asuka moaned as the sex beam hit Unit 02. "Yes, Kirk, yes, YES!"
The background music began. '0I want you to SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINE…'
"Asuka's literally screwed!" Misato screamed. "Send out Rei with the JSSDF Positron Cannon!"
The blue Eva shot off a round in the Enterprise's bridge, but it ricocheted off the shields.
"HAHA!" Rei laughed triumphantly. "I am unable to reach you, but I am immune to your sex beam, being in control of one myself!"
SWITCH TO THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE/ARAEL THE FIFTEENTH
"Chekov, what is that?" Kirk asked the Russian, pointing at the long red two-pronged thingy headed in the direction of the Enterprise.
"I Don't know, Keptin." The accented man replied.
"It is the Lance of Longinus." Spock offered, calmly as ever.
"The Lance?"
"Yes."
"Of Longinus?"
"Yes."
"The one that Longinus stuck in Jesus's side?"
"Yes."
"The one that kills anything?"
"Yes."
"Shit."
The Starship Enterprise/ Big-floating-jester-hat Fifteenth Angel Arael was ripped apart by the long red projectile, and Captain Kirk FINALLY died FOR GOOD!
HAAAAALELUJIA! HAAAAAAAAAAAAAALELUJIA!
"Asuka, I'm glad you're okay-"
"GO DIE. SHINJI! I HATE YOU! I'M NOW INVOLVED WITH CAPTAIN KIRK!"
"Asuka, that was just a sex beam!"
THIS STORY WILL NOW BE TERMINATED. THE BOARD OF CENSORS HAVE DETERMINED THAT THE AUTHOR WILL DIE FROM BLOODLOSS VIA THE NOSE, AND HE REALLY NEEDS TO CLEAN HIS COMPUTER OFF.
NERV Psychiatric Ward
Chapter Two End.
That really sucked, didn't it? Maybe I'm slipping. I have just received a great shock. I have gotten a bad review for my Hellsing fic. That is new to me. Everybody's loved that fic! Why is it so hated now?
The Author would now like to hold you at gunpoint until you write him a review. Thank you.