Chapter 19: You Should Give Me A Chance

'Nicolas is your son.' That was what she had said wasn't it? He wasn't imagining it? 'Nicolas is your son.' And he knows it's true. He is as sure of that as if he had always known it. 'Nicolas is your son.' And then words continue to repeat over and over in his mind in a cadence that is formed by the steady voice saying the words. As hard as he tries to hear the words without hearing her voice, he can't. Because the words and her voice are wrapped together like the red and white stripes on a candy cane, each distinct, but without which, it wouldn't be a candy cane. 'Nicolas is your son.' And he wonders if the more times he hears the sentence repeated, the more he'll begin to understand.

He adjusts himself in the seat of his truck, his hands gripping the steering wheel in the 10 and 2 position, as if he might lose control if his hands slipped just slightly. His eyes focus on the road in front of him, but his mind isn't focused. The repetitive words march through his head with the consistency of a marching band to the beat of a drum. He can't get them out. He can't draw their meaning. It's like a buzzing that he can't get rid of no matter how hard he tries.

Slowly, his eyes slip from the window shield in front of him to the small box on the bench next to him. As he continuously glances between the road and the seat next to him, he gradually stretches out his hand to encompass the box that has sat there since the moment he got in the truck. He isn't sure why he brought it. He hasn't yet managed to open the box, but he knows what's inside, but he's not sure why he sat it next to him in the truck, except that from the moment she put it down on the table, he wasn't able to take his eyes off of it.

Taking a deep breath, he flips the lid open with one hand, extracting the ring and placing it on the tip of his little finger. His hands once again return to the 10 and 2 position on the wheel, but his eyes not only take in the view of the road, but the glint of the sparkling diamond from the ring on his finger. He remembers that when he bought that ring, he had chosen it because it reminded him of her. It was spirited and lovely and glittering and was basically the essence of everything he loved in Lorelai. And now, glancing down, the sparkle reminds him of her, not the toothy smile that she gave him, not the mischievous glint in her eyes or the blush of her cheeks, but the last look on her face. The expression that he had noticed on her face last he saw her, was not foreign to him. He had seen it many times, for many reasons and it always brought on the same reaction within him.

Luke. I am in. I'm all in. Please trust me. Let me show you what a great girlfriend I can be. But I can't wait. We can't wait. I need to know what you're thinking right now.

-

I just want you to know that I heard you when you said that you're out. I did. I'm going to respect that from now on.

-

You know what, it doesn't matter. Cause it's done. We're done. It's fine. I'm not mad.

-

Two months! That's a hell of a long time to go without telling me!

-

Look I need to digest this, and you have to get back inside. So, uh, I'm going to go someplace where I can digest this and we will just talk more later, okay?

-

Why not Luke don't you love me? But I love you Luke, I love you. But I have waiting and I've stayed away and I've let you run this thing but no more. I asked you to marry me and you said 'yes'!

-

Well I'm sorry to hear that. And I have to go.

-

We missed it. We missed our middle. Can we at least get our end?

-

So this is it, Luke. This is our final chance. And I love you. I do.

It was that horrible look in her eyes that he couldn't get away from. It had been her eyes that had first attracted him to her, all those years ago. And as the years went by, he had come to know that her eyes were the key, the window into her. Her eyes were how he could tell what she was thinking or feeling without her saying a single thing. And when he had seen her eyes in all those moments he had just been thinking about, there was only one word that could describe them: pained. Though he is as angry at her as he could ever be, it still kills him to see that look in her eyes.

The look is something so amazing, that no artist, not even Monet, could even hope to paint it. The colors within her eyes were blue, grey, green, cerulean, white, navy, indigo and a million other colors that Crayola hadn't even invented yet. But they remind him of something, of a day he would never forget, her eyes in those moments were the color of the water on that day all those years ago.

It was a few days before her death and his father decided that they should all take a trip out to the ocean, rent a sailboat and just take to the sea, like Melville said. He had said that if they didn't take this moment as a family, all would be lost and they'd all be living lives of regret until the day they died, little had he known his own death wouldn't be but a few years away. So they had all piled in the car, even Liz, who had been given the look of death at her first refusal to join the family. They drove out to the nearest port, rented a sailboat and spent hours out in the water, just contemplating, quiet and pensive. He remembers watching his father fuss over his mother until she couldn't take it anymore and reminded him that there was nothing more he could do, that he had done enough already, and he should just take these moments with her for what they were. He remembers sitting on the back of the boat, letting his legs dangle off, wishing that they were even longer than they were so that they would reach the water. He was just staring out at the water that was behind them now, even as a child he had been preoccupied with the past, never one to stay in the present or look to the future. In all his life, he had only once let his eyes stray from looking backwards, and where had that lead him?

He remembers his mother coming over to sit next to him, actually his father had helped her over, but had left so they could have a moment alone. He remembers the look on her face, she was smiling, and at the time he had wondered why. What could she possibly have to be happy about? She was dying! She was leaving him! But she had put her arm around him and kissed his head, and reminded him that if he always looked in the past he would always see her like this, but if he looked in the future, he would see her as he most wanted to remember her. She had told him not to hold it inside, to find some to open up to, to let someone in.

And though it had taken years, he had finally found that someone. Lorelai had been the only one he let in. Not April, he was trying to get her to like him for who he was, he couldn't let her see him like this. Not Loren, he was too busy concentrating on raising her without having to let her into his dark side. But Lorelai had sought it out. She had felt neglected when he held things in.

See, there's a reason why I stay away from people on this particular day. It's cuz I kinda suck.

Oh, Luke, I'm sorry. I should have listened to you. I should have stayed out of it. You were right, I didn't think. I mean, I didn't think like you would think. I thought like I would think. And my thinking is sometimes very, very wrong if you're not me and occasionally if you are me-

You just keep thinking like you would think.

Lorelai had wanted to know, and not just so that she could know everything about him, but so that she could better understand. So that she could be there for him. To love him more even on his darkest days. And he loved her for that. The only problem that came with that, was when someone knew you that well, that in depth, they knew the best ways to hurt you, they knew exactly what buttons to push to turn that screw just a little more. And he just wished that she had known there were only two things he wanted in life her and a family. And that with one cross-country flight, she had taken all of that away.

"Mom?" Lorelai hears her younger daughter call softly from the doorway. She's curled up on what she had always termed as 'her side of the bed', at least with Luke. It had been different with Larry because she couldn't imagine sharing a bed with someone other than Luke and sleeping on 'her side of the bed'. Waking up with Luke had been a different experience from anything else. She remembers how comfortable, how safe, it had felt to wake up with his arm wrapped around her midsection. Even after the nights that had turned raunchy and all inhibitions had been tossed to the wayside and they had ended up on the other end of the bed, too exhausted to get back to lay on the pillows, the mornings were still wonderful when Luke's arm was wrapped around her holding her tight. It was like he was claiming her as his, but more that she was like the little teddy bear he kept wrapped under his arm for comfort, like a little boy, unable to sleep without her.

"Mom?" Lucy calls again, and Lorelai realizes that she never answered before, having gotten caught up in her own thoughts. She turns over on her back on forces a smile for her daughter's sake.

"Hey Sweetie," Lorelai croaks out, holding a hand out towards her daughter. "Come here." Lucy leans against the doorframe, seemingly reluctant to move closer to her mother. As another head pops out next to Lucy, she can see why. "Loren?" Lorelai recognizes, screwing up her face in confusion. Loren smiles, suddenly bashful.

"Yeah, Dad went out of town for a bit so he told me just to stay here. Is that all right?" Loren asks.

"He told you to stay here?" Lorelai wonders with surprise. Loren nods. Lorelai's not sure what to think of this. Did he just tell her to stay at Lorelai's because she was already there or because after everything he still trusted Lorelai? Or did he just respond okay when Loren suggested that she stay at Lorelai's.

"So is it okay?" Loren asks again.

"Oh, yes, of course Loren honey, it's fine. You know you can stay here whenever you want," Lorelai answers. Lucy and Loren share a look, as if having a silent discussion. "Are you guys decoration for my doorframe or do you want to come in?" Lorelai teases lightly. Lucy grins and walks in and climbs on the bed next to Lorelai, taking her mom's hand. Loren follows, sitting next to Lucy.

"He didn't take it well?" Lucy asks. Lorelai glances from Lucy to Loren and shrugs.

"He's mulling, isn't he?" Loren figures.

"You know your father," Lorelai replies. Loren nods.

"Yeah. I remember when I wanted to go with Aunt Liz to visit Jess in seventh grade and Dad couldn't decide if he trusted Aunt Liz with me or trusted me without him. I'm not really sure. And he said he needed to think about it. He took so long, Aunt Liz was practically pulling out of the driveway when he finally agreed." Lorelai chuckles.

"Yup, that's Luke," Lorelai agrees.

"How are you doing?" Lucy asks, slightly worried about her mother. Lorelai smiles sweetly, covering Lucy's hand with her other one.

"I'm fine. I mean…" Lorelai sighs, letting going of Lucy's hand and folding her hands on her abdomen. "I'm doing the best I can. I don't have that many people in my life that…" She shakes her head looking up at the ceiling.

I don't have that many people in my life who are permanently in my life, forever. They will always be there for me, I will always be there for them, you know? There's Rory and Sookie and this town and… you. I mean, at least I think I've got you.

You do.

Good.

"Mom?" Lucy says again, pulling Lorelai out of her reverie. Lorelai glances back at her daughter. "Sorry, you never finished that thought." Lorelai nods, patting Lucy's hand.

"It's just that, there are so few things you can depend on in life. I mean, that I can depend on in life, I mean people that I can depend on. Seriously, even Bryan Adams had to beg people to depend on him." Lucy furrows her eyebrows in confusion. "I depended on Rory and Sookie for so long. And you and your brother. And Luke… and I just… it's so hard for me to lean on someone. I don't want to…" She bites her lower lip. "Oh Luce, I screwed up, I think I really did it this time." She looks over at Loren. "I'm so sorry, Loren." Loren shakes her head.

"You had your reasons, I'm sure you did Lorelai. I can't say what you should have done 15 years ago, I wasn't around back then, I don't know what it was like back then. But I'm sure you had your reasons." Loren shrugs. Lorelai's breath shudders as she slowly drags it in.

"I'm so scared of losing him. Them. Nicolas. God, that look on his face." Lorelai covers her face with her hands. Lucy rubs Lorelai's arm.

"Mom, Nicky's too much of a Momma's boy to be mad at you for long. He just needs time to think," Lucy assures Lorelai and then snorts. "Like father, like son I guess." Loren grins. Lorelai presses her lips together, giving each of them a grateful look. She takes each of their hands in hers.

"I'm so thankful for you girls, both of you. I wish I could have had your maturity at your age. Hell I wish I could have your maturity at my age." Lucy laughs. "Your dad didn't say where he was going?" Lorelai asks Loren, who shakes her head in response.

"Nope, just that he needed to go somewhere and he'd be back," Loren responds.

"Mom!" Rory exclaims, tossing her bag on the ground and running into the room. She runs around the bed over to Lorelai's side. Lorelai scoots closer to the middle, so that Rory can sit on the edge of the bed, next to her. Rory plants a kiss on Lorelai's forehead and then rubs her mother's arm. "I got here as fast as I could."

"You didn't have to rush, Kiddo. I've got two awesome little nannies right here. I'm sure they could have gotten me raw cookie dough and red vines if I needed," Lorelai responds, but seems grateful at the same time that her older daughter has come.

"What can I do? What do you need?" Rory asks hurriedly.

"No Frank this time?" Lorelai teases. Rory cocks her head, giving her mother a look. Lorelai smiles softly.

Angel I have been dumped before.

But not by Luke.

No, not by Luke. But a dump is a dump. The process is still the same.

"How are you doing?" Rory asks. Lorelai gives her a look.

"Do we have to go through that again?" Rory shrugs. Lorelai stretches her arms out to Rory, who lies down, curling up on Lorelai's side, wrapping an arm around her mother as Lorelai's arms encircle her. Lorelai kisses the top of Rory's head.

"Oh Sweets, I don't know why you do it. I don't know why you always come to dig me out of whatever canyon I've fallen into. I don't know what I'd do without you," Lorelai says. Then she takes her left hand off of Rory and touches Loren's knee and takes Lucy's hand in hers. "I don't know what I'd do without any of you."

"Oh wait, I brought you something," Rory remembers. She digs in her back pocket and pulls out an envelope. "This is for you. This is for you to read alone." Lorelai furrows her eyebrows, but doesn't let go of Lucy's hand to take the envelope. "I want you to know, Mom. And Luke should know this too. That a relationship can be destroyed by the past but it can also be strengthened by it. You just have to decide for yourself what you want it to do."

Luke shifts his duffel bag on his shoulder and then knocks on the door. He steps back, taking a moment to get a good look at the townhouse that he's only really seen pictures of. After a moment the door opens. "Hey Dad," his older daughter, April, greets him. "You got here sooner than I thought you would." She steps back to let him walk in and he notices a young man standing uncomfortably in the front hallway. Luke raises an eyebrow and glances between the two of them.

"Oh, uh… I can go get some dinner and come back," Luke stammers. April shakes her head.

"Oh, no, Dad, this is George, I've told you about him," April responds, waving her hand towards George.

"Uh, sure, hey," Luke says, reaching out his hand to George. They shake hands, eyeing each other warily. April raises an eyebrow watching them behave like men. "You work with my daughter?" Luke finally asks. George nods, unable to voice his answer, his mouth suddenly dry. April finally gives in and cracks up. Both guys stare at her like she's lost it.

"Oh come on!" April exclaims. "Dad you're acting like George is a Neanderthal and George, you're acting like my dad is the Terminator. And, let me please inform you, neither of those are true in the slightest." She winks at George. "Sorry George." Luke smirks. George shifts uncomfortably from where he stands.

"Uh, I should…" he trails off pointing towards the door, still seeming afraid of Luke. April smiles, amused by George's uneasiness around a man that never seemed that imposing to her.

"All right, I'll call you later," April agrees.

"Yeah…"

"I've taken a few days off of work for…" She motions with her head towards Luke. "But I'll give you a call." George nods, kisses April quickly and leaves. Luke's eyes widen at the sight of his daughter kissing a man. April glances back at him and giggles.

"You know, I told your sister that she's not allowed to date until she's 35. Do you know what she would say if she knew I had just witnessed that?" Luke grumps. April laughs.

"Well, I think you might still have a few more years until you have to start worrying about Loren kissing boys, but maybe not. She's a lot more outgoing that I was at her age. Remember my first crush?" April asks. Luke gives her a look.

"Yes, I don't want to talk about that," Luke responds. April smiles, shaking her head.

"Come on in, you want me to show you the guest room, or do you want to talk first?" Luke follows April into the living room. He glances around and then settles onto the couch, dropping the duffel at his feet. "Okay, talk it is." Luke grimaces and stares at his shoes, not knowing how to start. "Well you want to start by telling me why Rory stopped over here on her way to Stars Hollow to make sure I gave you this?" April hands Luke an envelope. He looks at it for second, rereading his name in Rory's loopy cursive. He sighs, setting the envelope down next to him.

"Lorelai's back," he responds. April nods, sitting down in a chair.

"I knew that. You told me. Or Loren. Or both. I don't really remember. It's been awhile though hasn't it? I mean this isn't a spur of the moment - the woman I've been in love with for twenty some years is back and I need to run - kind of thing." Luke frowns.

"The woman I've what?" He closes his eyes, rubbing his forehead.

Rory's an old friend.

She doesn't look old.

I mean, I've known her well since she was your age. She's from stars hollow. She's actually the daughter of the woman I'm with, my fiancée, Lorelai. You met her that one time. It's kind of complicated.

I'll say.

"Come on, Dad. I've known you for, what, sixteen years now? And you've been in love with Lorelai the whole time. Don't give me that whole, I married Mandy thing. I know it. And what's more, you know it too," April insists.

"Well how about this for a return of the boomerang, she announced yesterday that her fifteen year old son, Nicolas, is mine." April raises an eyebrow.

"Yours?" Luke nods. "He's fifteen?" Luke nods again. "And you came here because you were angry that Lorelai never told you? You thought you could commiserate with me and I'd tell you that you were doing the right thing by being angry with her?" Luke folds his hands, setting them on his knees.

"I'm just pulling this out of the sky, but I'm guessing you're not going to tell me that," Luke responds. April nods.

"Correctamundo Dad."

"Can I ask why? I mean, can I just get an explanation as to why you're siding with a woman you've barely met?" Luke requests.

"And whose fault is that?" April comes back with. He draws in a deep breath and looks down at his feet, knowing that April had given him the perfect response. April shakes her head. "Okay, let's play a little game."

"April…" Luke warns.

"It's called remember how we met?"

"Sure, course I do, you ran in, ripped my hair out of my head, and ran off. And let me tell you, my hair hasn't been the same since," Luke complains, running his hand over his hair.

"And think about this, Dad, I was doing the project. I wanted to find out who was my father. But Mom knew. She knew all along. And I guess I never really cared about her reasons for not telling you or me because I guess she had them, or maybe not, but she knew. She didn't tell you." Luke's face goes lax as he recognizes April's comparison. "Trust's an issue with you, I get it."

We can't hide things from each other.

I know.

I'm not going to like it when Christopher calls, but we have to tell each other everything.

Agreed.

That's the only way this is going to work.

I know.

-

No secrets.

Cross my heart and hope to die.

Naw, I hate that saying.

No secrets.

Luke sighs, placing his head in his hands, think about how that whole conversation had been one big lie on his part and how she had forgiven him so quickly, so easily. It had been just a day later that he had found out about April and had kept that information from her. He had just let it go with Anna. She had lied to him, kept his daughter from him and he had just allowed her to make up excuses for doing that, reasons which he had learned from his time with Loren, really held no water. He can't help but wonder whether Lorelai had more reason. And he knows, that though her decision might have been incredibly incorrect, her reasons were true and strong and valid. More than that, she was willing to admit that she was wrong, something Anna had never done. What's more, she was Lorelai, and he loved her. "April, I think I really screwed this whole thing up." April slides off her chair and moves over to sit next to him on the couch.

"You can't really claim to have screwed everything up until you've gotten arrested for lewd conduct for sleeping with a prostitute, been fined $1800, put on two years probation, all to end up being dumped by one of the most beautiful women in the world," April remarks. Luke glances over at her and nods.

"Okay, I'll give you that," Luke remarks. April grins. Luke sighs, standing and just wandering around the living room. "You know, the moment she told me, the moment, I just wanted it all to be back the way it was, you know, fifteen years ago. When everything was going great." He shakes his head, running a hand through his hair, thinking about all the had gone wrong back then.

"Loren said you guys were back together," April says. Luke stops and gives April an annoyed look.

"I hate that you two gossip about me behind my back," Luke grumbles. April shrugs.

"We don't do it for you. We do it because we're sisters." Luke lips slowly curve into a smile as he again appreciates the closeness between his two daughters. "Dad, you can't just wish things were the way they were. I mean, I'm smart, but I'm no Doc Brown. There's no going back."

"I know," Luke says sadly.

"Is it worth it? I mean, is it worth it to you to forgive her for everything, to forgive yourself for everything and just move on. Because if you love her, if you really want to be with her, then don't let all this other junk get in your way. Because that would be the definition of screwing up," April informs him. He stares at her, hands on his hips, slowly processing. April stands and walks over to him, touching his arm. "You know, I know it wasn't me. When I was thirteen and she left and you were sad and it was so soon after my birthday party, I thought… I dunno. But I know it wasn't me." Luke looks stunned, having never realized that April might have considered it her fault. "Did I ever tell you that when I graduated from high school I got a gift in the mail with no return address postmarked from San Francisco, California?" Luke shakes his head. April walks over to the bookshelf and picks up a thin book and hands it to Luke, who stares at the title, not getting the meaning.

"Harold and the Purple Crayon," he reads and then glances at April. He opens the front cover. "So you'll always be a little girl at heart," he finishes, knowing erratic handwriting well. "Why didn't you ever tell me?" April shrugs.

"Because of that look that came over you anytime someone mentioned her name in your presence. You were lost without her for fifteen years, you want to feel like that for the rest of your life?"

I just hate that we were apart.

Yeah, wasn't too fond of it myself.

Well, all I can say is, you're lucky I'm back in your life because clearly you were lost without me. I mean it's a miracle you're even alive. Right?

You bet.

Luke smiles to himself, remembering the hopeful and worried look in her eyes as she said this, as if she was just putting up a courageous exterior. As if she actually thought that he wasn't lost without her. And he wonders if he ever made it clear to her how disastrous his life had been without her.

April pats his arm, comfortingly. "You think on it," she tells him. Luke nods. "Well I'm going to go make us some dinner and then we can talk about the plan for getting back to Stars Hollow." She walks out of the room. "And don't forget Rory's letter!" she calls. Luke looks back over at the couch, seeing the envelope still sitting there, only imagining what can be in it. He sighs and walks over and picks it up as well as his duffel bag and carrying it back into the guest room.