If the Writer owned Neon Genesis Evangelion, bad things would happen. Rei'd be impossible to have sex with, Fyutsuki'd be head of NERV, and we'd all be bowing down to Queen Lilith. And the Author would get sued by Gainax. So there.
Well, hello people! My parents sent me to the Place with No Computer for three (BLEEP) weeks, and now I have written the third chapter in this piece of (BLEEP). Argh. The auto-censoring machine missed that last fudge.
I guess I'll skip the crap and get straight to the story. (There's a STORY in here?) (Of COURSE, you idiot.)
NERV Psychiatric Ward
Chapter Three
A Long Time Ago, in a Psych Ward Far, Far Away…
"Commander Ikari." Ritsuko said, her voice muffled by the sheets "I've received a request from the New Republic Galactic Psychiatric Ward. They want to transfer a bunch of patients here because we're 'much better suited to handling patients this far gone'. "
"Aaargh." Gendo sighed, stretching his arms "Mon Mothma must be getting really worried about these freaks. Approve the transfer. Maybe they can help us with the plan to blow up the world." He grinned. "And now…"
"Oh, you! Ritsuko giggled. "Don't touch me th- Oh, what the hell!"
…The writer doesn't have to explain this to you, does he, children?
Meanwhile, in Shinji's Lovely Pad…
"Ahhh…" said pilot moaned, stretching "That was fun. Time to make breakfast." He got up and tried to leave for the bathroom when the entity known as Blue-Haired Babe yanked him back towards the bed.
"Rei, what the-MMMMMPH!" He was suddenly silenced by Aphrodite in Blue (The writer is having fun making up names for the Blue Goddess. Oops. There goes another one.).The Cerulean (Word that would make this fic unreadable on here) pulled the startled-yet-happy boy back under.
"I SUMMON SLIFER THE SKY DIVIDER! IT CRUSHES YOUR TOO-MANY-VARIANT-WHITE-DRAGON! THIS IS A YU-GI-OH JOKE SUBSTITUTING FOR A DIVIDER, IN CASE YOU DIDN'T KNOW! DIVIDER!"
The Lambda-class shuttle landed in the open-air cage, lowering it's ramp. The procession of prisoners exited, a squadron of TIE fighters screaming by. The procession was impressive, including a tall man in a black cape and black skull-shaped helmet, an old man in a black cloak, a short guy with balding white hair in an olive-green uniform, a woman in the same type of uniform with a long, thick brown braid, some long-dead Sith guy in a black cloak, a blue guy in with red eyes in a white uniform with gold tassels, a weird robot with a bad cough, and several hundred guys in white, their guns trained on the rest of the procession, and WOW, was that a long sentence or what, huh, come on, let's here it-
BANG!
Shinji latched onto Gendo's leg, whimpering.
"Daddy, what's with the evil people coming out of that ship I've seen in Star Wars?"
"Those are our new patients, son." Gendo said, prying his sissy son off his leg. "They can blow your head off, so I want you to stay away from them, okay, son?"
"WAAAAAH! Yes, daddy (Sniffle)."
The Author walked in. "As the announcer for the Writer," He shouted "I am announcing that it is time for an attack by the Angels. Thank You."
EVA FIGHT! EVA FIGHT! FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T KNOW, BOLD GENERALLY MEANS IT'S A DIVIDER!
Shamshiel grinned, as best a purple, 70-meter gastropod could grin. This would be fuuuun.
Unit 02 stared at the Angel. "So, kill Shamshiel, huh? This will be fuuuun. SWIIIIIIIIIINEHUNT!(The Writer doesn't speak German, so don't bother telling him if he spelled that wrong.)"
Unit 02 came hurling in, grabbing the balls of a passing Star Destroyer and hurling it into Shamshiel.
Asuka grinned, loking down at the rotting Angel corpse. "That was easy. However, it was so short that the Writer is probably going to have Shamshiel not dead, so AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!"
Of course. Shamshiel's little whips-of-purple-gastropod-killing-gooddness were sticking through Unit 02's top two eyeballs.
"HAHA!" Asuka did a Yu-Gi-Oh pose. "I have FOUR eyes, so I'm not dead yet! HAHA!"
Unit 02 grabbed a random Yu-Gi-Oh monster, which just happened to be Slifer the Sky Dragon, and therefore latched on to Unit 02's arm.
"Ouch." Asuka plainly said before her right arm got blown off, with the still-biting God Card attached. She grabbed the tail of said God Card and hurled it into Shamshiel's face (Or lack thereof), which jumped on top of the purple Angel and slavered it with enzymes of love (Sounds like the Writer's uncle's French bulldog).
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! The dying Angel thought hopelessly, and evaporated in a hail of inaccurately erotic Harry Potter Fics.
Ouch.
I SUMMON THE WINGED DRAGON OF RA, DIVIDER MODE! IT ANIHALATES YOUR OBELISK THE DIVIDER!
It was time for the Evil Discussion Group. There wasn't anything "Evil" left about this group, though; it was all basically burned-out bad guys from Star Wars. It was composed of Emperor Palpatine, Darth Vader, Exar Kun, General Grevious, Admiral Daala, Grand Moff Tarkin, and the group's two main psychologists, Grand Admiral Mith'raw'nuruodo and Admiral Gilaad Pellaeon.
Thrawn finished up typing the reports on each of the patients and handed them to Pellaeon, who in turn walked to the head of the white circular table and handed said reports to Dr Aklagi.
"Okay," The blonde doctor said "Let's all get to know each other better. I'm doctor Akagi, the primary…umm…helper…yes, helper around here! I dyed my hair at age 14 and have a massive mole on my cheek! Wasn't that a totally short, cheesy, and horrendoudly bad-yet-highly-accurate rendition of the Writer's former psychiatrist (now deceased)? Okay, Emperor Palpatine, why don't you go next?"
"Hi!" said emperor grinned desperately, his chair vibrating "I'm Emperor Palpatine! I don't even know how old I am, but I rule the galaxy and enjoy bedding babes!"
Ritsuko looked down at Palpatine's profile. Age unknown. Once ruled the galaxy, but has severe people problems. Has been in a state of forced abstinence since Mara Jade seduced and stole secret to dark side. Enjoys scaring small children.
"Well, that's nice!" Ritsuko smiled, dreading the upcoming private sessions. "Okay, Mr. Vader, how anout you?"
"There is going to be a lawsuit over this." the Sith Lord muttered. "For the last time, I am NOT a madman! Unfortunately, Lord Sidious over here IS, and I'm stuck as his second-in-command for the rest of my already miserable existence! Leave me out of this!"
Palpatine crouched in the corner, whimpering.
Akagi looked down at the masked man's report. Not really in need of counseling. Included in the story for the writer's personal amusement. Should be introduced to Fyutsuki, who also suffers from Sidekickitis, although hides it well.
"Okay, I'm done now." Vader smiled, as best a mask can smile. "I enjoy dueling my son Luke and watching old family movies."
"I see." Ritsuko smile a little. He won't be too bad. "Allright, how about you, Exar?"
"KIIIIIIIIIIIL." The black floating thing screeched. "MAIM. SLAUGHTER. MASSACRE. SEE DEATH."
Hm. Ritsuko thought. I could tape him and make a computerized dictionary. I'd make a shitload. She looked down at his report. Totally gone. Likes to mimic dictionaries. Always carries mini Websters.
"I see." Ritsuko said, frowning slightly. "Okay, Daala. How about you?"
"First the Hydra…" Daala sighed, slumping down in her chair '"Then (name to be inserted when the Writer remembersnote-found it. It's the Manticore.), Then the Basilisk, then the Gorgon, then the Knight Hammer… Will it ever stop!" She moaned
Ritsuko looked down at Daala's profile. Bipolar. Constantly shifts mood. Tends to reminisce about her lost Star Destroyers. Has attempted to hang herself six times on her own braid.
"Hi!" Daala continued. "My name's Rei Ayanami! Hey!" she jumped, pointing at Greivous. "You're that jerk who was staring at my panties!"
"Well, you're the one who was flashing 'em!" Tarkin stood up.
"Why would I stare at you?" Greivous did a Gendo hand thing. "I don't even have a bang! I've got almost no flesh left! An intestine and a pair of eyes! That's all I have! WAAAAAAAAH!"
Ritsuko looked down at the droid general's report.Very sensetive about his loss of flesh. Enjoys killing things and blowing things up.
Ritsuko sighed. It was going to be a loooong rehab session.
DIVIDER! INSERT YU-GI-OH JOKE HERE! DIVIDER!
Ritsuko sighed, looking at the pictures of her cats on the walls of her office.
She turned around to find Thrawn standing in the doorway.
"You do not have an easy job ahead of you."
"Heh. Mith'raw'nuruodo. Haven't seen you around latel;y." The good doctor smiled forlornly. "Yes, my life sucks."
"Do you want to talk about it?"
Thrawn asked, his gleaming red eyes getting a little brighter.
Needless to say, Dr. Akagi threw herself at Thrawn, crying, and they made love. However, about halfway through…
Gendo stood in the doorway, the gun in his hand ready to fire. How dare that insolent bitch betray me?
BLAM.
"Thank you, Gilaad." Thrawn said, getting back to work.
"Certainly, sir." Pellaeon said blandly, somewhat like a butler, and stepped over Gendo's corpse.
DIVIDER! THE AUTHOR IS KIND OF OUT OF YU-GI-OH JOKES!
"So, Shinji." Luke said, sipping his coffee "We're both major characters in some of the writer's favorite movies!"
"Sweet, dude!" Shinji grinned, punching Luke's mechanical fist. "Ow!"
"Sorry!" Luke said sheepishly. "So, we've been dragged into a really crappy life! You have a shitty history and are forced to pilot a giant robot, and I'm stuck killing things that threaten to blow up the galaxy! WASSAAAP!"
"WASSAAAP!" Shinji replied, punching Luke's non-mechanical fist.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEK!"
"Leia!"
"Misato!"
The two ran to some random room where said sister-surrogate mother were backed into a corner with Hyuuga an all fours, advancing towards the two women. The bridge bunny suddenly found a lightsaber through the back of his head and a large Eva foot crushing the rest.
"WASSAAAP!"
"WASSAAAP!"
DIVIDER! GURGLE… NO…MORE…YU…GI…OH…JOKES…
Darth Vader found himself playing chess with Kozo Fyutsuki soon after group. It was down to a white rook and king and a black bishop and king.
"Checkmate! Vader grinned, relieving Fyutsuki's king of it's head.
"NO…"Fyutsuki moaned. "That's the fifth game in a row I've lost!"
"I'm satisfied." Vader sighed. "Sooo…Wanna play Twister?"
"What the hell?" Fyutsuki grinned.I've got nothing better to do."
END END END END END END END END END END END END END
Yup. NERV is doomed. So is this fanfic. I'm sending you a subliminal message right now.
'rrrip'
'splash'