The Writer does not own Neon Genesis Evangelion or any of its characters. If Anno wishes it this story will be run through the side on the Spear of Longinus, because HE owns it, dammit, not the Writer.
"Won't you be my neighbor, neighbor, neighbor..."
Howdy doo, boys and girls of Readerland? Guess what-Mr. Writer's got another chapter for you! Just let me get into my-ow!-goddamn tennis shoes.
It seems that Kobayashi hasn't posted her licensed OAV type thingy quite yet. I wonder if she ever will. I can never tell with her.
Ah, screw that. Here it is, ladies and gentlemen. Live, from Writerland, it's NE-E-E-E-ERV PSYCH WARD!
NERV Psychiatric Ward Chapter Seven
The Bitchfight of the Century OR The Asuka Fan's Chapter
Asuka, Doctor Akagi's replacement while the aforementioned scientist was away in rehab at Arkham, strutted into her shiny new office, grinning like Christmas come early. How she loved to be recognized and rewarded and have her existence acknowledged! This was what she needed to keep her from going over the edge with that bipolar thing-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AGH! NO-O-O-O-O! The Writer got serious for a moment and started talking about Asuka's motivation for existence and why she went Emo towards the end of the series! I'TS- THE END OF EVANGELION!
Asuka slapped the Writer with her clipboard (Which appeared out of thin air and floated in front of her face until she slapped the Writer with it). She grinned. Oh, goody.
She plopped down in Doctor Akagi's leather chair, and grinned. Again. Grin. Grin grin grin. GRI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-N.
Where were her lab rats-er, patients?
Grinning, Asuka grabbed her telephone hotline to the office.
TAKE COVER!
"ALL RIGHT, VADER BOY!" she screamed into the red phone, grinning "WHERE THE HELL ARE MY PATIENTS? I'VE BEEN SITTING DOWN HERE FOR TWENTY MINUTES WITH THIS RIDICULOUS GRIN ON MY FACE, AND IT'S STARTING TO HURT! NOW GET ME SOME-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-GH!"
The almighty Sith lord, up in Central Dogma, brought his helmet up to his end of the red phone and placed it onto the grille covering his mouth hole, and breathed on it. This, of course, resulted in-
SCRE-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-E-ECH!
And that, children, was why Asuka was rolling around on the floor, screaming, massaging her ears.
NERV PSYCH WARD: HEY, WHO'S COUNTING?
The Lord Darth Vader escorted the males of the Hellsing group, Walter (the piano-wire-wielding butler of DOOM!), Alucard(the super-powerful-yet-senile former Count Vlad Dracula), Anderson (The irate Scottish bayonet-wielding priest), and Maxwell (the insane bishop) to his private chambers. He felt sorry for these boys. He'd been sent to rehab centers with the Emperor before because they were associated with each other. None of them had problems, per se, but… well… yeah. We won't go there. Oh well. He'd have people with whom to do things while Asuka sorted out that psycho-bitch Integra what's-her-face Hellsing. Hopefully they'll kill each other. He had fifty bucks on Integra, but Fyutsuki'd put his money on Asuka. It would be interesting. The Sith Lord grinned as best he could (It's hard, with that black mask, whose mouthpiece was taken from an old George Foreman grill).
That poor vampire girl Victoria was sane, that's for certain. But she seemed to have issues with her death, so he'd have her talk (A.K.A. locked in a room) with Rei. They can relate. And Rei, after having lost Asuka to Shinji, needed female companionship. Also, this fiction has been somewhat lacking in the fan service department as of late…
He stopped, his cape swishing. The other four men screeched to a halt, and Maxwell (at the rear) crashed into Anderson, triggering the inevitable domino effect that has amused people for so long. Darth Vader wobbled for a bit, then toppled over on his faceplate.
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
The sounds of Scottish cursing and vampiric laughing filled the tall, dark (and HANDSOME!) hallways of NERV.
The Lord Darth Vader moaned, and started singing in that mechanical rasp of his "Fruede, schoner, Gotterfunken, …" in exasperation as he brushed himself off. Oh well. They'd made it to the Game Room.
Vader raised his arms high, and the massive, cast iron double-doors they stood in front of slowly creaked open, revealing a shining, golden light, kept trapped within for so long…
"Yeah, baby!" the Lord Darth Vader crowed as he strutted into the shining light, Ode to Joy reaching its climax. "Monopoly and GERMAN BEER!"
The rejoicing BEGAN, baby!
NERV PSYCH WARD: WHAT, NOW THE WRITER HAS PROBLEMS TOO? YOU WANNA BET, PAL? BRING IT ON!
Asuka, still grinning, reached deep, deep down inside herself and, straining every fiber over being, FINALLY stripped that Satanic grin off of her face. She sighed, and began to frown. Frown. Frown frown frown. Fro-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-own.
Asuka, still frowning, spoke. She spoketh. Speak. Speaketh. And Alas, I hath Speaketh, for Thou to Hearest!
The Writer assumes that the readers will be wanting to know what Asuka said when she spoke. And, of course, since the Writer is such a scumbag, he isn't going to tell the readers.
Okay, okay (the Author pokes the Writer with the Spear of Longinus). She said (drum roll)…
…
"This stuff with the facial expressions and other crap will probably be a running joke. Get used to it."
…
…
…
Well, you heard her! Get used to it, boys and girls! Please! PLEASE JUST GET USED TO IT! PLE-E-E-E-E-E-A-SE! IF YOU DON'T, THE REVIEWS (as scarce as they are already) WILL STOP COMING, AND THIS STORY WILL BE OVER, AND THE WRITER'LL BE OUT OF WORK! NO-O-O-O-O! WA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A…
…Ahem.
As the plot (if you can call it that) was saying…
Two guards, tightly holding a struggling blonde-haired woman with large, circular wire-rims, and tied in a straightjacket, tromped in, and rudely deposited said Hellsing Director into the small plastic chair opposite Asuka, across her desk. Integra stared sullenly at Asuka.
…
…
…
"…Why the hell am I here again?" Sir Hellsing asked no one in particular.
"Because you're a friggin' psycho." Asuka told her, just as sullenly.
"How, exactly, am I a psycho?" Integra asked quietly, getting that sweet, deadly smile every good psychopath gets when they're about to rip off their husband's face. Fortunately, Integra HAS no husband to this day (Yay! The Writer has a chance!) so Asuka would have to do.
"Bitch, you were running around London in a bunny suit! That constitutes a problem!"
"And you're one to talk! YOU, Miss "I HATE EVERYTHING," Miss "I DON'T NEED FRIENDS, Miss-"
"SHUT UP! I…I…WA-A-A-A-AH! DIE, BITCH! Asuka screamed, whipping out a bazooka so ridiculously big that her Unit 02 shouldn't have been able to heft the thing onto its shoulder, much less Asuka herself. But she did, and fired it off.
(zoom out several million kilometers to a view of the peaceful, tranquil Earth, with a cute little fireball and matching mushroom cloud spawning and expanding over Japan…)
NERV PSYCH WARD: COMMENCE THE IDIOCY!
"Hah(hic)! Boardvalk isht MINE!" Maxwell crowed and slurred at the same time, taking another swig of that German-brewed goodness and pulling the blue property card towards himself.
"Dammit!" Walter hissed. All he had was Baltic Avenue, and that doesn't pay to well, now, does it class? Walter moaned, eying his ever-dwindling pile of cash.
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Alucard rolled the dice, and held his vampiric breath (something vampires seldom do, having no need for oxygen).
…
…
…
"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"
Free parking had been conquered once again.
"My turn!" The Dark Lord of the Sith grinned (yet again! Go, Vader, work those dead facial muscles!), scooping up the dice…
…And then, a distant, echoing voice penetrated the chamber walls…
"Walter! ALUCA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-AHD!
Everybody moaned.
NERV PSYCH WARD: WE ALL LIVE IN A BIG GREY PYRAMID, BIG GREY PYRAMID, BIG GREY PYRAMID…
Seras and Rei stared at each other, wondering what the hell they were doing in the lounge together. They just stared, red eyes clashing spectacularly with the yellow couches.
Stare. Stare stare stare. STA-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-A-ARE.
…
And then the door opened, and something bad happened.
"Hey, Rei. Oh, hi! You're that new Victoria girl! Welcome to NERV!" Shinji greeted the two, and then went about his business, completely ignoring the existence of other humans on his plane of existence, heading over to the vending machines to get a pack of Gobstoppers and a Sprite.
Seras swooned.
NERV PSYCH WARD: DIVIDER WARS! DI-DI-DIVIDER WARS!
Back in London, a tall guy in wide-brimmed cowboy hat with a ponytail, one Pip Vernadette, twitched, and a cheap cigarette fell out of his mouth.
"Seras just fell for someone else." He muttered. He started to walk jerkily, with his hands extended forward, not unlike a zombie.
"Kill!"
NERV PSYCH WARD: KILL!
Up in the pile of rubble that once was Doctor Akagi's office, the two demons stared each other down, pawing the ground and snorting. The Red Devil vs. The Virgin of Steel. One on One.
Asuka's eye twitched.
"Someone just fell for my boyfriend." She muttered. She started to walk jerkily away from a bewildered Integra (who almost mistook her for a ghoul), and extended her arms forward, not unlike a zombie.
"Kill!"
NERV PSYCH WARD: KILL! KILL! KILL KILL KILL! KI-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-IL!
Pip Vernadette staggered through the halls of the big pyramid-type thingy, repeating that one word, "Kill!", over and over again. He did so until he rammed into a redheaded fourteen-year-old girl, who seemed to be imitating him. The wound up tangled all over each other, Asuka displayed to provide the most fan service possible in that position without the removal of clothing. He wondered why she was imitating him so, until she slapped him, and their eyes met, and he understood.
They both got up, and he started staggering/following her, both of them moaning that one word…
…
…
…
"KILL!"
NERV PSYCH WARD: D00M!
Rei held Seras's blankly smiling body in her lap, pressing her hand up against the vampire girl's oversized breast. Shinji went about his buiseness at the vending machine, ignoring Rei's activities in the background (he was used to them by now), and pried open a can of Sprite, which hissed and foamed, and he took a swig. He collapsed on the couch facing the door, and closed his eyes.
…
…
…
BAM!
The door gave way, slamming into the floor, as two zombie-like creatures staggered into the room. One resembled his girlfriend. How strange.
"KILL!"
"Um…Hi?"
NERV PSYCH WARD CHAPTER SEVEN END
DAMN, that took a long time to write! And I mean that! I didn't have any unfortunate computer failures, or vacations, or got lazy, it just took a long time to write! Sorry 'bout that, ladies and gentlemen.
And lo! We've worked fan service into the Psych Ward again! How Lovely!
Ladies and gentlemen, a few hours ago I learned something horrible: that does not accept submissions written with Microsoft Works. Which is my word processor. So now I have to go through a complex series of cut-and-pastes to get my chapters from Works (because Works has error correction and spellcheck, something WordPad doesn't) to WordPad. And, while the files are smaller, it's just a pain in the ass. Thank You. Captain's Log, entry end.
Rrrip
Splash…