Chapter 5: Monica's Story

Author's Note: I don't think I've ever had such an enthusiastic bunch of reviewers; thank you all very much. I hope I shall continue to entertain you, though there are only a few left to show up now. But I warn, there may be some surprises …

I would like to take this opportunity to pay tribute to Cress, whose criticisms of drafts have considerably improved these crucial chapters.

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Rachel jumped to her feet at once, crying "Monica!" delightedly. She threw her arms round Monica to give her a very warm hug, then held her at arm's length and looked her over.

"You're looking really good!" she said enthusiastically.

Phoebe, following her to embrace Monica, had to agree. Monica's face had filled out a little, in fact she seemed to have put on a little weight all over, but that was a clear improvement. Her face had lost that lined, drawn look, her eyes were bright and clear, her expression was sunny. It's hard to believe that she's past thirty, Phoebe thought.

"It's so great to see you," she said as she hugged Monica. "Thank you so much for coming."

"How could I stay away?" said Monica teasingly. Then she turned to Ross, who was standing there looking surprisingly uneasy, with Charlie by his side.

"It's okay, Ross," she said. "I have got rid of all the jealousy."

He hugged her, looking pleased. "Hi, little sister."

"Hi, big bro," she replied with clear affection in her voice.

"There's someone I'd like you to meet," he said, drawing back and holding out a hand to Charlie. "This is Charlie Wheeler – we have just got engaged."

"Oh great!" cried Monica, hugging Charlie. "My, you're nearly as tall as Ross. Are you a palaeontologist too?"

"Guilty," said Charlie, grinning. "I joined Ross's department a while ago."

"It figures," said Monica, also grinning. Then she noticed Gunther, hovering behind the others.

"Gunther!" she cried, holding her arms out. "It's so good to see you!" He looked very pleased to be included in the the hugging. Then they all sat down again, apart from Gunther, and Monica looked round with an expression of evident happiness.

"This is just like old times. Are Chandler and Joey coming?" There was clear eagerness in her voice.

"Well, we hope so," said Phoebe, slightly taken aback at Monica's enthusiasm.

"I can't wait to see them!" Monica said. Then her voice dropped and softened. "How is Chandler? Is he doing okay?" She looked at Ross. "You still see him, don't you?"

Oh oh, thought Phoebe, she's still got a thing for him.

"Yeah," said Ross, "though not as often as I'd like. We both have busy schedules. But he seems to be doing fine. You should hear him going on about his work; he really is enjoying it, I think."

"Now, that's a change!" said Rachel merrily. "Though I guess the same could be said of me." She looked at Gunther, eyes twinkling. "I guess you've used me as an example to trainees of how not to be a waitress."

Gunther's face took an embarrassed, rather guilty look. "Well, uh, you weren't the world's greatest," he stammered, "but I, uh, liked having you around."

Rachel giggled. "Especially when I was wearing those short skirts, huh?" She turned her attention back to Monica. "Any news?" She emphasised the word and arched her eyebrows in a parody of eagerness for information.

Monica chuckled easily. "Yeah, I'm dating someone. You won't believe this, but he's British."

Maybe I was wrong about her feelings for Chandler, Phoebe thought. She certainly looks pleased about this guy, not just going through the motions to have a date. "I bet he's something to do with food," she said.

Monica grinned. "Right. He's in importing. I never got to taste so much great cheese! His name's Don."

"Sounds ideal," Rachel commented. They all knew of Monica's fondness for smelly French cheeses.

"He's older than me, but we have so much in common," said Monica enthusiastically. "How about you?"

Rachel looked surprisingly bashful. "There's this guy in the office, Gavin. I think it could go places."

Monica looked pleased. She turned to Phoebe. "I'd ask about you, too, except you might want to tell us all together, if your news is in that area. So," she looked at Charlie, "you were asking if my breakdown was a result of the breakup." She spoke lightly, not sounding at all unhappy at the memory.

Charlie looked embarrassed. "If you'd rather not talk about it – "

"It all started when I was explaining what had happened to Gunther," Phoebe interposed quickly. "And Ross has told Charlie a lot, it seems, but not about this."

Ross looked sad. "I felt so guilty," he said, "guilty about how I'd always been the favourite."

"You shouldn't beat yourself up over that, Ross," said Monica seriously. "I am all over that, I swear." She turned to Charlie. "You should know about it, if you're gonna be part of the family, and I'm quite happy to talk about it." She sat back, looking very relaxed. "To be honest, guys, looking back, it was the best thing that could have happened to me. If I'd spent much longer trying to suppress all these feelings of resentment and anger and regret that I had boiling up inside me and lose myself in working my ass off," she gave a theatrical shudder, "I think I'd have been in real trouble. As it was, I got the therapy I needed before things had gone too far, and it has done me so much good."

"So, uh, what happened exactly?" said Gunther rather tentatively.

Monica frowned as if trying to remember. "I was cleaning the apartment" – she grinned – "like when wasn't I? And I suddenly had this thought, what the hell am I doing this for? It's a waste of time. No one cares. I drove away my best friend, I broke up with Chandler, my mother's mad at me, Ross is mad at me – " At this Ross made a noise of protest, but she shook her head at him. "You know you were, because I kept bad-mouthing Chandler to you. Joey had gone off to LA, and Phoebe, well, you were loyal, but you didn't come round very often – "

"I'm sorry," said Phoebe. "As soon as I heard, I was mad at myself."

"Don't be," said Monica quite firmly. "And I thought, here I am, the wrong side of thirty, and I have screwed up just about every relationship I cared about. I have lost control of all the most important parts of my life. And I just froze. Ross found me, kneeling there, with my cleaning stuff all round me."

"She kept saying, 'I've lost control, I've lost control', like she was just saying it to herself," said Ross. His face looked haunted. "She didn't even notice I'd come in at first. But then she seemed to realise I was there, and she threw herself at me and began crying all over me, babbling all kinds of stuff about how no one loved her, because she'd driven away all her friends, and she'd never have another relationship, and mom and dad loved me but not her ..." He drew a breath. "It was painful."

"I'm really sorry to have put you through all that, Ross," Monica said seriously. "It must have scared the hell out of you."

"I don't mind saying, yes, it did," said Ross. "Well, I managed to calm her down a bit and got her sitting on the couch with something to drink, but I had no idea what to do, so I simply called mom and dad. Mom didn't want to believe it was anything serious, but she did agree that they would come, though she sounded mad about it ..."

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Ross was never so glad to hear the buzzer in his life. Monica was not crying any more, but every now and then she would burst into a wild rant, mainly directed at herself and her life but taking in everything else, accusations against her parents, their friends, her work colleagues, her old lovers. As he had expected, their parents had arrived. He buzzed them in, and shortly Judy Geller walked in briskly without bothering to knock, followed by Jack.

"Now, Monica, what is this nonsense?" Judy began in her customary sharp tone.

"I can't do it any more, mom," Monica wailed. "I just can't do it." She sounded so lost that Ross felt a shiver down his spine. It seemed to affect Jack Geller too, for he came to an abrupt stop.

"What can't you do?" he said.

"I can't control my life," Monica faltered. "It's … everything's gone wrong."

"But who said you had to control your life?" he said in apparent surprise. "No one can expect to do that. Things happen."

Monica heaved a deep sigh and fixed a very intent gaze on her mother. "You expected it of me," she said slowly. "Always criticising, always nagging. For years I thought, if only I could show I had my life completely organised, you would approve of me – but even when things were going well, you never did." Her voice was measured but very sad, with that lost feeling about it, and Ross began to feel seriously worried.

Suddenly she broke down and started crying again. "This is what you've reduced me to," she stammered, "you and, and Chandler, and, and Rachel … all of you! A snivelling, friendless, useless mess who can't control her life!" she almost shrieked, and threw herself down on the couch in a storm of tears.

Jack Geller turned to Judy. "I told you, you were putting on too much pressure," he said mournfully. "Especially when you could see how she was hurting over the breakup with Chandler, but refusing to let it show."

"I don't see why a little advice should have this effect," Judy replied tartly; but there was less certainty in her expression.

"A little!" Monica yelled, rearing up to glare at her. "It never stopped! And why did you bother, anyway? You only love Ross really, you know you do! I'm just someone to criticise, someone who's never good enough …" She dissolved into tears again.

Jack Geller turned to Ross with an air of decision. "Ross, call Dr. Weinberg at once and ask him about the best therapists available; I think Monica's going to need some professional attention. You'll have to explain the situation in some detail, I think."

Ross moved away to get on the phone, but as he did he saw their mother move, very hesitantly, towards Monica. "I do love you, Monica," she said in a slightly shaky voice, holding out a hand tentatively. "You know I do, really …"

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"I began to get better at that moment, I think," said Monica. "To be told at last that mom really did love me … I needed that, very badly, even though I didn't show it at first, but kept breaking down and yelling stuff at her. I had a lot to get out. But I did finally calm down, and I agreed to go to this clinic that Ross had got word about from Dr. Weinberg."

"And that made you all better?" said Charlie.

"I'm still having therapy," said Monica. "You don't get rid of stuff like what was weighing me down just like that. But I certainly feel so much better now." She beamed at them. "I'm sure you can tell."

"So, is it still going well with your mom?" said Rachel.

"Oh yes," said Monica decisively. "We get along fine now. She told me, my making it so clear that I thought she didn't love me was quite a shock."

"Yeah," said Ross. "You should have seen her after our first visit to you, when she talked with your therapist. She was really shaken. I guess she must have been told some home truths. Later, she lit into me for not telling them how unhappy you used to get."

"Poor Ross," said Monica, looking at him lovingly. "It seems like mom just has to be criticising someone. But my therapist showed me, it's the pattern she learned from her mother." She smiled reminiscently. "She worked wonders, my therapist." She grinned suddenly. "You may find this hard to believe, but she's cured me of my need to clean!" She broke into giggles, quickly joined by Rachel and Phoebe, while Ross chuckled deeply.

"Not that I'm a slob now," she said. "I just don't have this urge to clean everything obsessively every five minutes, and I don't need to have my apartment just so, down to the last detail. She showed me how it was all part of my need to feel that I was in control of my life, but that concentrating on inessentials like that was running away from my real problems." She heaved a sigh. "I feel so relaxed now, and when I look back I think how awful I must have been to live with! No wonder Chandler broke up with me."

"You did go overboard sometimes," said Rachel affectionately, taking her hand and patting it. "but I forgive you. I think, if we're being honest here, you were worse with Chandler."

"I know," said Monica ruefully. "I do hope he shows up, so I can say how sorry I am, just like I'm sorry for what I said to you that made you walk away."

"Well, I'm sorry too," said Rachel seriously, "sorry for what, looking back, I see as a prize example of my selfishness in those days. All I was concerned with, really, was my own gratification. If only Ross hadn't been such a good lover …"

Everyone burst out laughing, even Ross himself and Gunther. The demurely mischievous look with which she had said this was Rachel at her best.

Charlie slapped Ross on the knee, grinning vividly. "That's a view I can endorse!" She glanced at Rachel. "I'm glad you are over him, then. But Monica," her voice became serious again, "it's clear you once loved Chandler very much. Has all that gone, do you think?"

Monica sighed. "Yes, I did love him very much at one time, but, yes, it's all gone. The real problem" – she sighed again and looked round, her face very serious, "maybe the real problem was that I couldn't respect him enough, and that's why I kept getting mad at him."

"You said something about it being hard to respect him, in your great fight, but that was because he sucked up to his boss," Phoebe commented.

Monica pulled a face. "Yeah, I did, didn't I? No, what I mean is, we had all been together so long, and seen each other do all kinds of dumb things. I just knew Chandler too darned well, and I could never put my memories of his more ridiculous behaviour out of my mind. For instance, I saw him screw up one perfectly good relationship, with Kathy, out of sheer stupidity, it seemed like. I couldn't help thinking about that, you know – just sometimes, when I was worrying about where we were going – and there was all the stuff with Janice too, and how he couldn't be honest with her when it was finally over. It made me worry about whether he meant all that he said to me."

"He was used to accepting what you wanted a lot of the time, because it was your apartment," said Phoebe.

"Yeah," said Monica. "First he gave in to me way too much, which did not improve my respect for him, even though on the surface I was pleased to get my way, and then he got to sulking and wouldn't bring what he felt out into the open, until it was too late. For a long time the fun we had together masked the deeper problems, but I think we had fallen into a pattern of behaviour when we were friends that we couldn't seem to shake when we were lovers. I still had to help him to handle emotional things, like that time when we had a fight and to make up he proposed to me. I and my therapist think that, underneath, I didn't want to have to keep doing stuff like that, and it made me irritated with him. And I know I got sort of frustrated that he seemed to have no ambition; he just wanted things to go on the way they were."

"Yeah, that came out too," said Phoebe. "I remember."

"Well, he's doing great in his new job," said Ross. "I did tell you about that, didn't I?"

Monica nodded. "Uh-huh. You could say, our breakup was good for him too, because it drove him into getting off his big fat butt. But," suddenly she looked uneasy and rather vulnerable, "do you think he's forgiven me? Is he over me? Because I'm not interested in him that way any more, and it would be horrible if it turned out, he's still hung up on me. Do you know if he's dating?"

"He's never spoken of it," said Ross thoughtfully. "But he's not complained of the lack of women in his life either."

"We'll have to, like, interrogate him," said Phoebe with relish.

"But nicely," said Monica warningly. "I still think of him as a friend, and remember all the good times we had when we were just friends."

Suddenly there was a commotion at the door, and Joey came running in. He grinned all over his face when he saw the group.

"We're not too late!" he cried. He turned his head and shouted, "Come on, you guys – they're all here."

"Guys?" said Rachel softly, raising her eyebrows. "I wonder who's with them."

Everyone had got to their feet, and Phoebe was already hugging Joey and banging him on the back, when Chandler appeared panting in the doorway, hand-in-hand with a woman that, after momentary disbelief, all except Charlie recognised very well.

Author's Endnote: I couldn't resist the cliffhanger. You're welcome to guess who this woman might be.