Summary – Pirates Of The Caribbean Re-Worded. I'm sorry but I don't know the director's or the editor's or the script writer's name. So I made them up!
Disclaimer – Not Owned by me.
The Re-Write Chapter 1
It was a good day thought the director. The birds were singing the sun was shining and he felt good. But he never saw what was coming next.
Back at the deserted studio Thomas (the director) found a note on his bright orange chair.
Dear Mr. Friday,
You are here by invited to the welcoming party of Heather Morris, the new writer, for our old one ran away to Cancun because we gave her the money in advance. It will be held ASAP in the lounge area to your right.
Hope you can make it,
The Cast
A new writer? Holy crap thought Thomas as he made his way to the lounge. The lounge was dark and very squishy, for lack of a better word; there was a TV with TiVo that the cast had put in. It only had about 7 couches and a pool table.
At the center of that pool table was a humongous welcoming cake with Kyo from Fruits Basket on it. The guest of honor couldn't be more thrilled about that.
She was about 5 foot 9, 120 lbs, and wore the classic black anime attire. Hobo gloves on her hands. Her hair was shiny brown with black ribbons through it. And to top it off, blue cat ears.
"Yo, Mr. Director dude. I've taken the liberty to change the script." She said in a casual tone, her hand hold a folded up paper in the shape of a star.
Thomas took the papers with strong discomfort and started reading.
FADE IN:
EXT. CARIBBEAN SEA - DAY
A gray, impenetrable wall of fog. From somewhere comes the
FAINT SOUND of a LITTLE GIRL'S VOICE, singing, fast tempo,
almost under her breath.
YOUNG ELIZABETH (O.S.)
We are so very lost at sea,
My daddy won't ask for directions you see.
Why can't we stop for a pee?
Suddenly a massive SHIP emerges from the grey, the Winged
Victory maidenhead looming. It's a Canadian dreadnought,
The H.M.S. Chuck Norris. Formidable, frightening, twenty-five places to do a roundhouse kick on a side, and Mr. T to boot.
EXT. H.M.S. DAUNTLESS - FORECASTLE - DAY
ELIZABETH SWANN, strawberry blond hair, stands at the bow
railing, gazing at the seas, still singing --
ELIZABETH
...We drank up and now we have to go...
JOSHAMEE GIBBS, who was born old, skin a dark leather,
clutches her foot, startling her.
GIBBS
(sotto)
Quiet, missy! Cursed pirates walk
On these waters. You want to call
'em up to us?
Elizabeth stares wide-eyed at him.
NORRINGTON
Mr. Gibbs.
NORRINGTON, an ugly young man, acne EVERYWHERE, Royal Navy to the core,
glares sternly at Gibbs, making him blind. Standing besides him is GOVERNOR WEATHERBY SWAN, a man of obvious high station, brass
buttons on his thick black jacket. He is Elizabeth's
mother.
NORRINGTON (CONT'D)
That will do.
GIBBS
She was singing about peeing.
Bad luck to sing about peeing,
with us mired in this unnatural
fog-- mark me words.
NORRINGTON
I could go for some PB&J right now.
GIBBS
'Aye, Captain.
(As he moves off)
Bad luck to eat a woman on board,
too. Even a mini'ture one.
He returns to his deck-swabbing duties, surreptitiously
takes out his flask, empty, and throws it at NORRINGTON.
ELIZABETH
I really have to go to the bathroom.
NORRINGTON
Think again, Miss Swan.Vile and
dissolute creatures, the lot of
them. I intend to see to it that
any man who sails under a lost
flag, or wears a pee brand,
gets what he deserves: a short
drop and a sudden stop.
Elizabeth doesn't know what 'a short drop and a sudden
stop' means. Gibbs helpfully mimes: a man being hung.
SWAN
Captain Norrington... I appreciate
your fervor, but I am concerned about
the effect this subject will have on
my daughter.
NORRINGTON
I hate you, you filthy bald man!
ELIZABETH
Actually, I love you Mr. Norrington.
SWAN
And that's what concerns me. Elizabeth,
dear... we will be landing in Port
Royal very soon, and beginning our old
lives. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we
comport ourselves as befits our class
and station? Whatever that means…
ELIZABETH
No, father.
Chastised, she turns away, to look out over the bow rail.
ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
(to herself)
I still think it would be exciting
to meet a lost pirate...
The fog still hems in the ship; very little of the sea is
visible --
-- but suddenly, a FIGURE comes into view. A young boy,
WILL TURNER, floating on his back in the otherwise empty
water. There is nothing to show where he came from, or how
he came to be there.
ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
Look! A lady In the water! I like that movie! Wow, there's a boy! Let's save him and then later condemn him because he helps in piracy.
Norrington and Swann spot him --
NORRINGTON
STOP GIVING AWAY THE PLOT!
ELIZABETH
Sorry…
NORRINGTON
I say we let him be.
Quick movement and activity on the deck. Sailors use a
boathook to snag the boy he the passes. Norrington and
Swann haul him aboard, and lay him on the deck. Elizabeth
sidles in for a closer look.
NORRINGTON (CONT'D)
He's not breathing! Let's throw him back!
SWAN
Where did he come from?
GIBBS
Mary mother of God ...
Attention is turned away from the boy --
The sea is no longer empty. WRECKAGE from a ship litters
the water... along with the bodies of its crew. What is
left of the ship's hull BURNS, a ragged British flag
hanging limply from the stern.
The H.M.S. Chuck Norris slips silently through it all. The
scene calls for hushed voices.
SWAN
What happened here?
NORRINGTON
An explosion in the powder magazine.
Merchant vessels run heavily armed.
GIBBS
Lot of good it did them...
(off Swan's look)
Everyone's thinking it! I'm just
saying it! Lost Drunk Pirates!
SWAN
There is no proof of that. It could
have been an accident. Captain, these
men were protection. If there is even
the slightest chance one of those poor
devils is still alive, we cannot
abandon them!
NORRINGTON
Yes we can, Governor.
(to the crew)
Come about and strike the sails! Unlash
the boats! Gunnery crew... jackets off
the cannons!
(to Swann)
Hope for the best...prepare for
the worst.
(to two sailors)
Move the boy aft. We'll need the
deck clear.
They lift the boy. Swann pulls Elizabeth away from the
rail, away from the hideous scene in the water.
SWAN
Elizabeth, I want you to keep it in your pants.
Abstinence is your choice.
You'll watch over him?
Elizabeth nods gravely. Swann hurries away to help unstow
the longboat. The sailors lay the boy gently on the poop
deck, behind the wheel, then hurry off. Elizabeth kneels
down besides the boy.
His good looks are not lost on her. She reaches out,
gently brushes the blond hair from his eyes --
Suddenly, he grabs her wrist, awake now. Elizabeth is
startled, but their eyes lock. She takes his hand in hers.
ELIZABETH
My name is Elizabeth Swann.
WILL
Will Turner.
ELIZABETH
I'm watching over you, Will.
He clutches her hands, then slips back into
unconsciousness.
His movement has opened the collar of his shirt; Elizabeth
sees he wears a chain around his neck. She tugs it free,
revealing--
A GOLD MEDALLION. One side is blank. She turns it over --
A SKULL gazes up at her. Vaguely Japanese in design, but to
her eyes, it means one thing only:
ELIZABETH (CONT'D)
You're a lost drunk pirate.
She glances back at the crew. Sees Norrington, giving
orders, moving toward her.
She looks back at Will -- comes to a quick decision. Takes
the medallion from around his neck. Hides it under her
coat.
Norrington arrives.
NORRINGTON
Did he die?
ELIZABETH
His name is Will Turner -- that's
all I found out.
NORRINGTON
Crap, you mean HE'S coming too?
Norrington hurries off. Elizabeth steals away to the stern
of the ship. Examines her prize -- the gold medallion. A
wisp of wind, and she looks up --
Out over the sea, moving through the fog, silent as a
ghost, is a large sailing ship, a schooner --
It has Pink SAILS.
Elizabeth stares, too frightened to move, or cry out.
The ship is obscured by the fog it as it passes -- but not
the mizzen-top ... and there hangs the frightening skull
and crossbones of the Jolly Roger.
Elizabeth looks from it to the medallion -- the skull on
the flag is the same as the one on the medallion.
Fog surrounds and closes in on the pink ship -- except for
the pink flag. As Elizabeth watches, the skull appears to
TURN and GRIN at her --
Elizabeth shuts her eyes tight --
"WHAT IS THIS CRAP!" Thomas explodes…
To Be Continued
Sorry For the short chapter. The next one will hopefully be longer.
Thanks for reading! Okay I admit...It's not that good! But the next will hopefully be better.