A/N : Buffy might be back with Angel, but we all know that's just to annoy Spike! Buffy wants Spike, Spike wants Buffy, they've been bottling up feelings for too long now, the inevitable is about to happen...
(For disclaimer, etc. - see chapter 1)

Chapter 12

"Hey, what's up with you?" Cordelia asked as Spike slammed him way back behind the bar looking furious.

"Nothin' a railroad spike through a certain fellas head wouldn't fix" he said angrily and Cordy backed up a step at that remark. She'd seen Spike mad before but not like this. The only possible thing that could have got him so angry she assumed must be Buffy and Angel getting back together.

"Okay" she drew out the word, backing off further and leaving well alone. Usually Cordy wouldn't stop yammering on about something, even when it would have been in everyone's best interest for her to shut up, but on this occasion even she wasn't going to get involved, at least not until the steam had stopped coming out of Spike's ears.

Buffy was a fool if she was back with Angel, Cordelia sighed as she thought about it whilst she served the waiting customers at the bar. Angel was a nice guy, in the beginning at least, but as soon as he got his wicked way with Buffy he started to get restless, a little bored even. Other women caught his eye, and Cordelia knew it was true, after all she'd been one of the girls he'd taken an interest in at one time, before her unfortunate slip into near-poverty. Though she was guilty of not exactly halting his advances at first, they'd only ever kissed once and she'd been a little worse the wear from wine at the time. Buffy knew about the incident and had long since forgiven both of them, but Cordy knew she'd also forgiven others that were less innocent.

The sound of smashing glass jolted Cordelia from her thoughts and she turned to see Spike on his hands and knees, carefully picking up larger pieces of glass before sweeping the rest up. Poor guy was in such a state over Buffy, she sighed, oh how Cordy was glad she didn't live anywhere near Spike because she had no doubt he'd be getting way drunk and loud before the night was over. That brought her thoughts around to Doyle, who did indeed live with Spike. It was weird because she pretended she barely liked him at all, and yet knowing he was sick, suffering with no-one to care for him, it made her feel bad. Though what Spike had said was probably true, that he'd be fine by tomorrow night, Cordy couldn't just wait and see. She would go over to the apartment tomorrow morning, just to say hi. She could always use the excuse of checking on Spike, since given the state he was in now it was pretty clear anything could happen. Yes, she decided quite firmly, that was what she'd do, as Spike jammed the cash register and cursed loudly in frustration. It was going to be a long night.

"Why am I even here?" Cordelia said to herself as she stood outside the front door of Doyle and Spike's apartment. It had freaked her out more than she was comfortable with when the bleached blond explained his friend would not be working last night because he was sick. Though he'd assured her it was nothing serious, Cordy wanted to see for herself and so had brought herself here to the apartment. She almost asked Spike if he would give her a ride here last night but he was in a foul temper over Buffy and Angel, and she really didn't want to get involved in that right now.

"Okay, so, knocking" she said to herself eventually raising her fist to knock on the door. There were vague sounds of movement from within the apartment before Doyle finally appeared, looking a little tired but overall not so bad.

"Cordelia" he grinned at the sight of his favourite woman, "Well, this is the best surprise I've had since... well, I can't rightly remember when" he told her, making her smile too. She'd kind of missed this yesterday, even if it was just a few hours.

"Hey, Doyle, I was just checking you were okay" she said, trying to make it sound casual and friendly, but in no way overly interested, "I was, y'know, in the neighbourhood, and Spike said you were feeling kinda off colour yesterday so... that was all"

"So you do care after all, eh princess?" he said with a smirk and she batted him across the arm with a playful smile.

"Don't you go getting a big head, Mr Smirky" she smiled in spite of herself.

"Oh now, come on" he complained, pretending her fake strike had injured him, "Beating up an ill man now is it? That can't be right"

"Neither is keeping guests on your doorstep" she said pointedly and Doyle suddenly realised how rude he'd been, and offered her to come inside. She was barely over the threshold and he started running around, removing empty cans and packets from the table and kicking newspapers, magazines, and the such like underneath the couch.

"It's a bit of a mess" he said guiltily, "Felt too rough yesterday to be tidying up"

"It's no big" Cordy shrugged, though she sat down very gingerly on the edge of the less than spotless couch, "I guess you're feeling better now?" she checked and he nodded as he sat down once again in his own chair, turning off the TV so they could talk.

"All the better for seein' you, darlin'" he told her with a wink, "I'm more worried about Spike meself" he added in a whisper, "He came in last night, slammed every damn cupboard door in the place, cursed everything he could to Hades and then disappeared in his room with half a bottle of booze" he explained and Cordy sighed.

"I think it has to do with Buffy" she told him quietly, just in case Spike might hear, "I kinda found them kissing" she said, causing Doyle's eyes to widen, "Very intense, I don't know what they might've ended up doing if I hadn't walked in, if you know what I mean"

"I think I can imagine" Doyle grinned, "I've been tellin' the boy for weeks just to have at it. I swear to God the pair of them are gonna explode from the sexual tension if they don't do somethin' about it soon"

"Yeah, well, so not going to happen anytime soon" Cordy pointed out, "Spike swears black and blue he doesn't feel anything but revulsion, and Buffy made up with Angel"

"I tell you somethin' darlin'" Doyle sighed, shaking his head, "I dunno about this illness o' mine, I reckon it'll be those two lunatics that'll be the death of me! They want their heads bangin' together and no mistake"

Doyle had no idea his voice had gotten loud enough that Spike could now hear everything being said. The bleached blond wasn't bothered by what his friend or Cordy had to say, he knew the truth and that was the important part. The truth was his feelings for Buffy ran deeper than he could explain, and he hated her for making him feel like this. Simple fact was, she was as stubborn as he was, and refused to admit that there was even a microscopic part of her that was attracted to him, despite the fact he knew she was at least physically attracted. Spike knew women, knew the signs and signals enough to tell either they were interested or not. Words are all well and good but body language can tell a whole different story and nobody could hide the truth their eyes told.

The kiss Spike and Buffy had shared proved to him there was something more between them than even he thought was possible. He didn't just want her, he cared about her, he felt things when he was near her that he didn't have words for. The word love popped into his head but he dismissed it quickly. He couldn't be in love with her, that would be insane, but he felt something and she did too. It needed identifying, it needed fixing so Spike could stop feeling like this, so lost and confused. The scotch he'd downed last night had helped him sleep but it didn't ease his mind for long. He needed to know what it was he felt for Buffy Summers, what it was she felt for him, and why she was fighting it to a much bigger degree than even he himself was.

In that instant he was on his feet, grabbing some clothes and heading to the bathroom so he could shower and change. He was going to see Buffy, and they were going to figure this out, one way or another.

Buffy sat behind her desk, spinning her engagement ring on her finger, staring into the diamond as the electric light bounced off each facet, making patterns on the wall and the ceiling. She was engaged to be married to a gorgeous, intelligent, wealthy, and well-respected young man. Buffy didn't know why thinking that made her feel like crying these days. Maybe because she knew the likelihood was he wasn't always faithful to her, maybe more so because she'd had some vague thoughts and at least one very vivid dream about being unfaithful to him.

It was Spike's fault, at least that's what she told herself. He only had to look at her these days and all kinds of feelings shot through her body, and after that kiss... God nothing had ever felt that good. Her eyes fell shut as she recalled the brief moments, his lips on hers, his hands on her body sliding up and fingers tangled in her hair as he took her breath away in the most beautiful way possible. She'd never felt so much passion in one kiss, not even with Angel, and yet it was more than simply lust. That was the scary part as far as Buffy was concerned. What she felt about Spike, she'd assumed it to just be physical, he was an attractive man, all the girls said so, Harmony was so convinced that in a slightly inebriated state she'd thrown herself at him like a cheap slut the other night, and it sickened Buffy to see her friend behave that way. Still if she was honest she knew a part of her supposed disgust was actually jealousy. She wanted Spike to be with her that way, she thought to herself, before firmly saying no. Of course she didn't want to sleep with Spike, why would she? She was engaged to Angel and despite a few problems they loved each other... didn't they?

A knock on the door made Buffy physically jump, and before she'd had a chance to ask who was there in the middle of the day, Spike came barging in.

"We need to talk" he told her firmly and Buffy immediately snapped at him, finding the only way to control her want for him lately was to keep up the charade of hate.

"No, we really don't" she told him, "Get out"

"No, not this time" he said, closing the door behind himself and locking it, before turning back to face her as she got up from her desk and marched around it.

"What the hell do you think you're doing!" she demanded to know, "Unlock the door and get out of here!" she ordered him, but he refused.

"I've been laying awake half the night going over this in my head Buffy, and you are bloody well going to listen" he told her in no uncertain terms. His volume dropped a few decibels and he sighed before continuing, "Buffy, luv, we've gotta figure this out cos it's driving me insane"

"Haven't you always been insane?" she answered smartly, but he shook his head.

"Will you stop doing that!" he urged her, "Jumping in with a smart comment, I'm trying to..." he struggled with what he meant to say for a moment before he found the words he needed, "Buffy, yesterday, when we kissed..."

"I don't have to listen to this" she said, knowing what was coming from the look in his eyes and not wanting to deal right now. She turned away but Spike grabbed her wrist and pulled her back around. She ended up much closer to him than she'd started out and feeling like she couldn't breathe, as his fingers gripped her arm and his eyes bored into her own.

"Yes, you damn well do have to listen" he told her firmly, "You know what's between us, as well as I do" he said, knowing it was true from the way she couldn't wait to escape. It terrified her too, but this had to be dealt with.

"I don't... I don't want to do this right now, I just want you to get out" she said, trying to sound forceful but failing miserably.

"That's what you really want is it?" Spike challenged and Buffy couldn't verbalise an answer. She didn't need to, he knew he'd been right all along from what she couldn't say rather than what she could.

In seconds Spike had her in his arms, his lips crushed to hers as he held her as close as he could get her. Far from pushing him away, Buffy responded to his touch, wrapping her arms around his neck and ensuring he stayed right where he was, making her feel so good. The rational part of her brain told her she was crazy for letting him do this, touch her and kiss her as he was doing right now, but for the most part Buffy couldn't think straight. She knew, deep down, that he'd been right all along, that from the moment she'd laid eyes on Spike Blackstone a part of her had been longing for this day to come. She wanted him, more than she ever planned on admitting, but words of surrender were not needed as her body gave into him.

He pushed her back against the desk as they kissed deeply, hands roaming over each others bodies as their longing to be closer increased. She was half lying on the desk as his hand travelled up her thigh and beneath her skirt. She couldn't breathe, had no thoughts left in her mind as he touched her, relieved her of her underwear and made his intentions very clear.

It was her last chance to stop this, but still Buffy let it happen. Despite the fact she was engaged to another man, despite the fact she'd claimed to hate Spike from the day they met to now, despite every rational thought her mind should have come up with and couldn't because of the way he was kissing her and touching her. She was overwhelmed already and gasped as he finally entered her. She clung to him as they moved together, and nothing had ever felt like this, Buffy was certain nothing ever would again, and had no idea Spike was thinking the same thing.

The intense feelings soon reached their peak and she screamed his name in ecstasy as they climaxed in unison, bodies fizzing and tingling for a long while after as they came down from the natural high point neither had ever quite reached with anyone else before.

Buffy wasn't aware of anything but herself and Spike, what they'd done and how good it felt. The rest of the world was a fuzzy blur, nothing meant anything in particular, nothing but the two of them. Spike was so overwhelmed by the passion he'd felt, so overcome with emotion. He held Buffy to him and whispered words that even surprised himself as they left his lips.

"Buffy, I love you" he said softly into her ear, "God I love you so much"

Something snapped in the young woman's mind as those few words hit her fogged brain. The sheer bliss of a moment ago dissipated in seconds as she took it all onboard. They'd had sex, mindless and passionate and overwhelming, but it was just sex. She could've rationalised it away, made it all okay if that's all it had been but now, now Spike was talking about love. They'd made love. Is that what they'd done? Surely that was what she and Angel had done, but not her and Spike. This wasn't love, lying half on a desk in the back room of a night club, writhing in fits of uncontrollable passion. It was just lust, a physical release, nothing more.

"No" the word forced it's way out of her mouth, as she tried to co-ordinate her body that still hummed from the experience of what she and Spike had just done, "No, you don't" she said, making him pull back and look at her strangely.

"Buffy..." he began but it was the only word he managed to get out before she repeated her negative mantra.

"No, no, no, get off me, and get out" she began to yell as tears came to her eyes. She pushed him away, feeling nauseous as her mind worked over time. Spike did as she asked, adjusting his clothing as she did the same, though he too was having trouble processing exactly what had happened and why her reaction to him had taken such a one-eighty. Just seconds ago she was screaming his name, and now she was screaming for him to get off and get out. It didn't make a whole lot of sense. The fact he'd just realised how incredibly deep his feelings for Miss Buffy Summers ran was also not helping his confusion. It should've just been a physical attraction, an itch he needed to scratch, but today's events had proven him wrong.

What they'd just done, okay so it wasn't perfectly romantic like it might've been but it was more than just sex. He'd had his fair share of women over the years, but only once before had he ever proclaimed love to any of them, and never had he felt such a want and need to do so as he had just now. It had felt like the most natural thing in the world to say it to Buffy, and he'd meant it more sincerely than he'd ever meant anything else in his life before.

Now as he looked at her, pushing her skirt down firmly and trying to keep her top, that had got slightly torn in the process of their passion being unleashed full force, across her body, she looked disgusted and on the brink of tears.

"Buffy, luv, I'm not just going to..." he began uncertainly, this was uncharted territory for him and he didn't know where to start, "I meant what I said, I thought..."

"You thought what!" she yelled at him as tears ran down her cheeks, "That I love you too? That you're the best I ever had!" she forced out a painful laugh, "Get out Spike!" she ordered, turning her back on him, not actually denying anything because right now it would be impossible. Her legs were barely holding her for more than one reason and she just wanted him to go away so she could sort out the mess of thoughts and emotions that were running round inside of her at ninety miles an hour. But he wouldn't leave.

"Pet, if I hurt you..." he said, sounding genuinely worried that he might've. Of course he hadn't meant to, but the way their need and hunger for each other had taken over...

"You didn't" she said flatly, her back still to him, her body tense as she felt him step closer to her. If he touched her again she wouldn't be able to stand it, she had to make him go.

"Spike, please" she practically begged, forcing herself to turn and face him, "Please, just go. I can't deal with this, with you, I can't"

The sight of her tear stained face almost killed him, to know he was causing her this upset, even if he didn't know exactly how he'd done it. She'd been right there with him a few minutes ago, she'd gone on the same trip to heaven and back that he had, he was sure of it, and yet now she was so distraught. Whilst he didn't understand it, he knew he wanted her suffering to ease and so nodded his head.

"I'll go, if it's what you want, luv" he assured her, turning towards the door, picking his coat up off the floor as he went.

He paused by the door and looked back at her, though she kept her eyes on the floor. He opened his mouth to say something but never did as he left, closing the door behind him.

Buffy crumpled to her knees as soon as the door clicked shut, and cried like her heart would break. Why Spike had made things so complicated she couldn't conceive, but she really wished he hadn't. She might've been able to cope if it was just sex, but he loved her and deep down inside she knew what she felt for him was stronger than she'd originally assumed. Nobody ever made her feel the way he did, not even Angel. He was everything to her, when he should be nothing, and though she was seriously starting to wonder if she had real feelings of love for Spike, Buffy knew she hated him just a little bit too, for making her feel anything at all.

Outside the room, Spike was leaning back against the door, tears in his own eyes as he listened to her cry. He couldn't fathom out what the bloody hell was happening. All he knew was he'd just had both the best and worst few moments of his life, all crammed together in the last hour.

Being with Buffy, it was like nothing else he'd ever experienced. He'd known for a long time now that he wanted her, maybe even cared about her a little bit, but he'd never expected the love that overwhelmed him as he'd shown her how good he could really make her feel.

Minutes later she was looking at him like something she'd stepped in and that hurt, more than any physical blow that had ever been landed on him, more than any pain he'd suffered at the hands of anyone else. God, even Dru leaving him hadn't been this painful as he listened to Buffy sob her heart out in the office, knowing in some way he'd hurt her this badly. Part of him said he should burst back in there, hold her close and tell her whatever was upsetting her could be fixed, that everything would be okay, but he didn't know that for certain. His presence only seemed to make her more prone to distress and that was doing nobody any good.

Taking in a breath, he pushed himself off the door and walked away down the corridor. He swiped two bottles of Jack Daniels from the shelves in the bar before slamming out through the door. There was only one way he knew to get rid of the discomfort he felt right now. He was going to get very, very drunk til he passed out and could no longer feel the pain.

To Be Continued...