A/N : How can Spike love Buffy in this story? Same way he loved her on the show! Maybe it's hard to believe that there's love beneath all the anger and outrage and bitchyness, but it makes sense to me...
(For disclaimer, etc.- see chapter 1)
Chapter 16
"Knock, knock!" Willow called, trying to look cheery as she peered around the door to Buffy's office.
"Hey, Will" the blonde managed a smile when she saw her friend, "You have a fun with Oz last night?" she asked as the red-head came into the office and sat down opposite Buffy, a blush coming to her cheeks.
"Fun was had" she admitted with a shy smile, "He's just so great, Buffy. He treats me like a lady, and when he looks at me it's like the whole world disappears, and then he kisses me and... I don't ever have words for what that's like"
"That's great" Buffy smiled, though there were tears in her eyes that betrayed her real feelings. She was jealous as hell of her friends and the great romantic relationships they had. She and Angel hadn't been the same for a long time now. She no longer felt tingles and shivers and heart-thumpingly overwhelmed when he looked at her or kissed her, not even when they made love anymore, though they hadn't been very physical with each other for almost a month, ever since she and Spike had been together.
"I'm sorry, am I being insensitive gal?" Willow checked, looking worried, "Did you and Angel have a fight or..."
"No, no fightage, I swear" Buffy sighed, "Just, he had to go away again for his work and we were supposed to be going to LA next weekend, kind of a special coupley thing"
"And he won't be back by then?" Willow asked with a frown, "There's no way he could try to be back?"
"He says no" Buffy shook her head, "But hey, it could be a good thing" she said, trying to sound chipper, "If Angel can't go, I can take my best friend instead. How about it Will, a girls weekend in LA. What do you say?"
"Oh, sweetie, I'd love to" the red-head said, looking pained, "But next Saturday is mine and Oz's anniversary, one month since our first official date" she explained.
"Oh" Buffy's face fell a little but she covered quickly, she didn't want her friend to feel bad for this, "Hey, that's fine. I can take somebody else, or maybe I'll even be a big brave girl and go it alone" she grinned a little too much, and Willow knew she's disappointed her.
"Don't go alone, Buffy" she urged her, "I mean, there are lots of people you could go with, maybe Cordy or one of the other girls, or y'know there's always Spike"
"Oh Willow please tell me you're kidding" Buffy's eyes went wide as she looked at her friend in disbelief, "Spike and I can barely have a civil conversation these days, we could so not spend a whole weekend together"
"Buffy" Willow sighed, "You know I don't like sticking in my nose where it's not wanted but, sweetie, you can't just... You two can't go on pretending you hate each other when the whole world knows that what you really feel is so way opposite" she said carefully hoping she didn't cause the blonde to explode in anger or burst into tears. She'd sat by and watched the past days and weeks as things only got worse with Buffy and Spike. Finally it had gotten the better of her and she had to say something before the pressure of staying silent drove her crazy!
"Willow, please don't" Buffy shook her head, "I can't... There's just no way I can deal with the whole me and Spike situation, it's too complicated"
"Why?" her friend wanted to know, "Because of Angel?" she guessed, "Buffy, he's not here. Lately he's a lot more not here than he is actually here, and I don't wanna get all accusey but d'you really believe it's a completely business arrangement he has with Darla Mackenzie?" she asked, unable to stop herself giving opinion after opinion once she got into the flow.
"I know" Buffy admitted quietly, "I know he probably cheated before, and maybe that he still is now but Willow, I did too" she cried, "Me and Spike, right here on this desk" she said in near hysterics, "And my God Will, it was the best experience of my life" she admitted, clamping her hand over her mouth right afterwards as tears streamed down her face.
"Oh, Buffy" Willow said, face and tone full of sympathy as she hurried around the desk and hugged her friend to her, "Honey, you can't go on like this"
"I don't know what to do" she admitted, crying hard, "I didn't want to like him, but I couldn't help it, and then Angel was so distant and Spike was here, I wanted him so much and he wanted me and we just..." she couldn't explain anymore, she didn't know how and tears took her voice away every time she tried.
"It's okay Buffy" Willow told her, "We'll figure this out, I promise"
Buffy was not so convinced that things could be as easily fixed as her friend said, but she really hoped she was right. She couldn't take much more of this.
Spike winced as he heard Cordelia giggling down in the cellar with Doyle. He wondered why the Irishman was taking so long fetching up some more bottles of soft drinks, now he understood.
"Oi, you two!" he yelled down to them, "How about movin' your bloody asses and doin' some work instead of feeling each other up!"
He waited a few moments and the pair duly emerged, Cordy re-arranging her hair whilst Doyle did up the top couple of buttons on his shirt.
"You're a bloody spoil-sport, mate, y'know that don'tcha?" he checked.
Spike didn't look at all amused.
"What I am is pissed off with having to do all the bleedin' work round here whilst you two get your kicks in the basement" he said, almost nastily. Cordy huffed at that.
"Oh like it would bother you if not for your lack of progress with Buffy" she said giving him a look, not the least bit phased by the anger that flared in his eyes at that comment, "You're not getting any, so nobody is supposed to, is that it?" she asked hands on her hips as she stared him down, "Well, newsflash Blondie, you want Buffy so much, try actually telling her instead of moping around, singing your sad songs, and crying into your Jack Daniels every night!" she said haughtily before walking away with her nose in the air.
She liked to give her opinion and hear her own voice even now, even after being brought down a peg or two by her family's fall from grace. Sometimes people just needed to be told how stupid they were being, and Spike and Buffy were two of those people.
They liked each other, it was so obvious there was practically a neon sign that appeared every time they got within three feet of each other and it was driving Cordy nuts seeing them give each other a wide berth and only speak to each other when they absolutely had to. One of them had to get over themselves and make the first move or she might just have to bang their heads together in an attempt to knock some sense into them!
Spike was fuming after the way Cordy had spoke to him, even though he knew she was right. Doyle had immediately apologised on his girlfriends behalf, and told his friend that perhaps he ought to go outside for a breath of fresh air before returning to the club and facing the rest of the staff.
Without a word the bleached blond went towards the back of the building and out through the door into the alley. He lit a cigarette and leant against the cold stone wall, blowing out smoke and attempting to be calm. His eyes were shut and his brain otherwise occupied, he didn't notice the door open and close to the left of him as a second person came out into the alley to join him.
"Y'know those things will kill you?" Buffy said, not knowing where else to begin as she stood awkwardly a few feet from Spike. He smirked as he took another puff of his cigarette, eyes still closed when he answered her.
"You reckon so, pet?" he said, before standing up straight and looking right at her, "Startin' to think it'll be women that'll be the death of me"
"Spike" she sighed, hating how badly they'd both handled the situation they found themselves in, "We need to talk"
"No good and uplifting conversation ever started with that sentence" Spike said knowingly as he dropped the butt of his spent cigarette to the ground and crushed it with the heel of his Doc Marten, "Can't imagine we've got much to say to each other that's worth hearing"
"Well, maybe I wanna try anyway" Buffy told him, "I can't stand this atmosphere between us. I meant what I said about us being friends..."
"And I meant it when I said, we never were and never could be" Spike snapped at her, looking and sounding as if he were getting increasingly annoyed.
"I don't see why not" she lied, knowing it would be near impossible for them to get along without wanting more, still they had to try.
Buffy knew it was crazy but she was starting to think there was a chance she might be in love with Spike. When she'd admitted as such to Willow, she'd expected the red-head to be stunned and disgusted, the first part she got but the second, not at all. Her friend understood completely, and thought no less of Buffy for what she'd done or what she felt.
'I figured there had to be love in there somewhere between you two' she'd said, 'You wouldn't be acting so weird otherwise. It's love that makes you do the wacky' she'd smiled, and Buffy wished she could find a similar expression right now but she couldn't, not whilst Spike continued to be all angry and snappy with her, hardly looking at her despite the fact they were supposed to be having a conversation.
"If you don't know why we can't be friends, luv" he told her, "Then you're even thicker than I ever thought you were" he sighed, moving to go back into the building. Buffy got in his way.
"I'm not the idiot here" she snapped right back at him, "You, you're being ridiculous! All angry and grr, and all I wanna do is have a conversation"
"You got somethin' to say, pet, for bleedin' hell's sake just bloody say it would you, so we can both get on with more exciting things than prattling on about nothing much in back alleys" Spike said, head tilting to one side as he stared at her, waiting for her to answer him.
"I... I have a business trip to LA next weekend" she blurted out suddenly, "I want you to come with me"
There was a look of disbelief in Spike's eyes as he started to laugh at that. It wasn't a genuine laugh, but laced with pain and incredulity. After all they'd been through, the weeks they'd spent trying to get over each other and move on, with little result, and now she expected him to want to go away for the weekend with her to some business event, like they were good mates or something. It really was genuinely laughable.
"You're some piece of work, Summers" he shook his head as his laughter subsided, "One minute you hate me, the next we're shagging on your desk. Next thing, I turn around and I'm back to being scum, and suddenly we're going on a happy little jaunt to LA like the best of friends?" he mostly yelled, "Well, thanks but no thanks, luv. Can do without the rocketing stress levels and mixed bloody signals" he told her, before pushing past her and slamming back into the building.
Tears were in Buffy's eyes as she watched him go. She wanted to run after at him, screaming what an asshole he was and asking how he dared to speak to her that way. The only problem was, she knew he was right. She was sending mixed messages his way, and she knew it, and yet she couldn't help it. Things were so confused in her own head and heart, it was practically impossible for her to be clear when explaining herself to anyone else. Buffy wanted to tell Spike how she felt, but in all honesty she still hadn't figured it out for herself, and until she did, she was in one hell of a fix.
Spike was practically breathing fire as he stormed through the Bronze. Doyle called to him as he strode past, but got no response as the bleached blond went right through the bar area, towards the front doors and let himself out into the parking lot where he finally felt he could breathe. He'd hated speaking to Buffy the way he had, especially when he saw her eyes welling up with tears, the look of pain on her face. Damn it, she'd hurt him too, why she shouldn't he get his shot in when he had the chance, he asked himself, but it didn't make him feel any better.
As much as he wished he hated her, Spike knew he was in love with Buffy Summers and probably always would be. It was for his reason that he could never be her friend, he'd always want more and part of him believed she felt the same, though he couldn't be one hundred percent sure. She was still with that pratt Angel, but that wasn't to say she loved him more, just that she scared to leave the great git.
Cordelia had filled in a few blanks on that score, some herself and some via Doyle. Pieces of conversations Spike had overheard them have had covered a lot of it. Angel was the only real boyfriend Buffy had ever had, it would make sense for her to be wary of getting involved with anyone new, especially when they weren't the kind of person she was used to. People in her world of rich folks with platinum cards and bunches of lackeys to do their work for them, those she understood, whilst Spike only had any real knowledge of those in his own class, for want of a better word. They came from different sides of the divide and it bothered both of them, but her more so than him it seemed.
Whilst Spike could admit he was in love with Buffy, she was less confident in her feelings. He couldn't really blame her for being uncertain, and he guessed she hadn't meant to make things worse when she asked him to go on her trip with her. No doubt WonderBoy Angel had done a disappearing act again, another of his trips with the bint called Darla whom he'd also heard about.
Out of pure frustration, Spike kicked the trash can at his side. It fell over with an almighty crash and it was fortunate it had been emptied moments before or the mess could've been substantial. The loud noise caused Doyle to come running outside.
"What the bloody hell are you tryin' to do, man? Scare us all to death?" he checked.
Spike didn't answer, just shook his head, shoved his hands in his pockets, and walked back inside without a word.
To Be Continued...