Condemned silence has taken over my home. Not even my music can penetrate it. I am alone and yet I have no wish to be otherwise even though I know that soon I will die I do not know what I should do now.

I am at a loss for words even though I can not say why. Adrenaline is being pumped through my veins. More and more now I seem to have this feeling of being watched. And a since of un-wanting has taken hold of me as I suddenly realize that I am slowly becoming paranoid with guilt.

She is in my dreams and with my waking eyes I can see her lying on the ground in such pain I can not describe… wanting to reach out for her I am falling ever more in the darkness only trying to reach her in the light… I grow tired reach for my morphine and she is gone. How I want to see her again. How I need to be with her again. What did I do to make her disappear, what punishment shall I receive for not saving the beautiful woman that now haunts my every move?

I drift back to the organ and what I played I can not describe. I wasn't even paying attention my music… all I could see was her and the deep inner wanting made me def to all but her voice…

What have I done to deserve this cold indifference from you Erik… why have you abandoned me… why can't I be in your realm of solitude… when shall I ever see you again…

I found I was crying. The keys became slippery under my fingertips and I slowly stumbled to my bed… my coffin. I was living in this tomb with no way to escape it. It was a prison I had created not only was it a physical jail house for my sorrow, but a mental solitude that only the dream could break. How I want to see her again… how I wish I had gone just a little further and gotten her.

Who was this woman I could plainly see now? Her hair long brown and curly, but not in a harsh way like Christine, but a soft wave that only begged for me to touch it. Her skin so pale… I only wanted to put her in the light. Her curves… so beautiful I merely wanted her to hold them against me. Her hands so dainty and small I felt as though I would break them at a single touch. After a moment of staring into her bright amber eyes I noticed she had outstretched a hand to me. I followed it with out question not even thinking about the consequences there surely must be. She never spoke a word but I could see words trying to form themselves upon her soft pink lips. I reached out my hand to her and right at the moment our fingertips were mere centimeters away from each other…

I opened my eyes to find myself once again in my tomb. If I cried I can not remember, I was thinking too hard about then woman. Who was she and why did she keep appearing in my dreams? Even though I felt alone the thought of her made me feel I was not, and that I was in the presence of an angel… or a ghost. I went to my small kitchen and ate a piece of bread. I'm going to die soon, I know it, for I didn't drink anything and I was quite sure the bread was moldy. I wasn't concentrating on what I was eating only the fact that I was.

I put morphine into my vein once more, but not as much as usual. The dosage was so low that the sweet relief I was used to feeling didn't come. I didn't want to feel good today, I wanted to feel her.

Is it so wrong to want a woman of my dreams? Even if it is not love we have for each other at least I should be aloud to have someone in my life… any one who is of the opposite sex. Surely god would give me something.

Oh no, I'm turning my thoughts to god all of a sudden. I do not believe in him… I do not! He has done everything in his power to destroy me and my spirit's he has shown me nothing but cruel hatred and indifference… he does not exist. Only I exist.

I feel so much better now… I upped the dosage on my morphine so that I could forget god… and forget her. I am going insane with the thought of her. I have become alone and my solitude is for me… and me alone.