Treasure Troubles
"Pheuern old pal! How can I interest you in the business opportunity of a lifetime?" exclaimed Varley, glancing across the table at his companion who was somehow managing to appear bored, tired and angry all at once. It was very late at night, and they were the only two patrons in the inn who had not yet stumbled upstairs or home to sleep. The only light came from the fire still burning brightly in the hearth place, illuminating Pheuern's less then enthusiastic face. Whenever Varley ended a sentence with "Of a lifetime!" it usually meant trouble.
"Varley" He said, stifling a yawn. "Please don't tell me you broke into my room, nearly set me alight with the fireworks you used for your "dramatic" entrance and demanded I come to an inn at two in the morning so you could tell me about your latest pyramid scheme."
"Don't worry! This time the scheme is question is completely legitimate, and won't end in a short trip to the stockades. Behold, our ticket to fabulous riches!" he said, pulling out a piece of parchment and laying it on the table with a flourish.
Pheuern picked it up and examined it closely. Apart from a same empty space at the top labelled "Traysure map" it was a complete jumble of seemingly random squiggles, lines and giant red X's. He put it down again, and glanced at Varley who was looking at him expectantly.
"Varley… Where exactly did you get this map?"
"A shady man at the bar sold it to me for the low, low price of ten gold not an hour ago! I was going to spend the money on food, but hey, this is an investment, right?"
Pheuern let out a long suffering sigh.
"You do remember what happened with the last thing you brought from a shady man in a bar, right?"
"Remember? Who could forget! That Eau Du Murloc was the latest in cutting edge design when it came to cologne! It had women falling at my feet! Of course, he neglected to mention the part about them collapsing due to the concentrated smell of a thousand Murlocs, but technically it worked!"
"I'm almost sure a proper treasure map wouldn't have "Treasure map" misspelt on the front, and would be written on something other then what appears to be a napkin."
Varley smiled condescendingly, and shook his head in mock disbelief.
"Poor Pheuern. It's painfully obvious you know nothing about piratetology. Everyone knows that pirates are notoriously bad spellers, and have an insatiable lust for table napkins."
Pheuern groaned inwardly. He had to find some way to talk his way out of this latest zany scheme of Varley's, and it was obvious that logic wasn't going to do the trick. He decided to try a different tact.
"Why do you even need me to come though? Wouldn't we have to split the no doubt glorious treasure between the two of us, resulting in you getting less?"
"Well… Yes, normally I would set out on my own in search of it, but seeming as how this is ancient pirate treasure, there are some complications, and I need a man of your skills and ingenuity to help out."
"What sort of complications?" asked Pheuern. "Will you need a curse broken? An ancient inscription deciphered?"
"Uh… nothing as exotic as that." replied Varley, suddenly looking slightly embarrassed. "You see, if popular stereotypes are to be believed, pirate treasure is normally buried underground, and uh, I need someone to dig it up for me."
Pheuern stared at Varley in disbelief.
"So you want me to come along so I can dig a ditch for you? That's why you woke me up? I have to go to a guild meeting early next morning! Why can't you do it yourself?"
"Well, I think I'm more suited to an administrative role. You know, making the tough calls, rubbing my chin thoughtfully and staring into the distance, yelling out slogans to cheer you on, that sort of thing. I could never do any sort of hard, thankless, backbreaking underpaid labour, it'd be murder on my poor hands!"
"Forget it Varley" said Pheuern, getting up from the table and heading towards the door. "I'm afraid I can't make room in my busy schedule for digging holes in the ground in search for a treasure which may or may not exist with a dirty napkin as our only guide. I'll see you later."
And with that he walked out of the door, leaving Varley with only his "Traysure map" for company. Varley sighed, picked up the map and began studying it again. It looked like it was hard labour for him after all.
A few weeks later Pheuern was spending an evening at home happily studying some ancient texts, when someone began rapping at his door. He hurried over and opened it, only to find a very ragged looking Varley on his doorstep. He was covered in dirt and vines, and smelt like he'd spent more then a few days hacking his way through a jungle.
"Pheuern!" he said, beaming happily despite his appearance. "Can I interest you in the investment opportunity of a lifetime, a fabulous treasure map? It's guaranteed to triple in value over the next few years!"
Pheuern took one look at him, before shutting the door in his face.
"How about a second hand slightly used napkin then?" came a muffled voice from the other side of the door as he bolted it and walked upstairs to resume studying his books, humming a small tune to drown out the business deals and slogans that were still coming from behind his door.