First of all, I want to thank each and every one of you who took their precious time out to not only read my fic, but also commented on it. Thank……thank..th…waaaahhhhhh! breaks down in helpless tears.
Word of warning. Slashy themes ahead. Nothing too serious. Oh and a bit of language.
Disclaimer: (forgot to do it last time sheepish smile) It all belongs to Disney. None of it is mine, except for my own imagination.
Whose line is it anyway?
Chapter 2. Scenes from a Hat.
"All right ladies and gentlemen, we're back after an exceedingly long break." Says Drew Carey.
Camera shot at the four contestants sitting patiently. James and Ryan are looking bored.
Jack is seen holding a glass with clear liquid in front of him. He is swirling it this way and that.
"Seriously Will, what is this thing? I have never seen something like this before. And they expect us to drink it."
Will has an incredulous look on his face.
"It's water, Jack. You probably don't recognize it since the only drink you put in your system is rum, but people still enjoy the refreshing taste of nice, simple cold glass of water."
Jack gives a shiver.
"Brrr. I can't imagine."
He gives the glass a disdainful look and places it on the table next to him.
"Hey Drew, do you have anything with a spot of alcohol in it?" Jack calls out.
"Ummm, Mr. Sparrow, didn't you have a whole bottle of Captain Morgan's(1) right before the show?" Asks Drew, apprehensively.
"Ahhh Mate, that was a whole half hour ago. Me blood is quenching for the heavenly taste of rum. If I don't listen to me craving, I might start to lose it soon."
"Heh. 'start to'." Ryan quips from the side.
Jack gives a narrow-eyed stare in Ryan's direction, while Will moves his chair away discreetly.
"Ahhh, all right. Let's give the audience what they came here for." Drew interjects quickly, before there could be any bloodshed. "Let's move on to a game called scenes from a hat. Before the show, we asked the audience to write down their suggestions for the scenes, and we chose the best ones for our players to act out."
While Drew is explaining, all four of them have gotten up and are standing on the sides of the stage. Will and Jack on the left, and James and Ryan on the right.
Drew shuffles the papers in the hat.
"And remember everybody, we kept the theme of our scenes in accordance with our guest cast. So all the scenes would have something to do with Pirates of the Caribbean."
Ryan raises his eyebrows. Jack has a manic smile on his face, while both Will and James groan and rub hands over their eyes.
"All right, here's the first scene...
"The sequel to the Pirates of the Caribbean"
Jack: "Pirates of the Caribbean: The revenge of Captain Jack Sparrow" Shoots with his pistol.
"Try to steal my ship will you. You're dead, Mr. Gibbs. Boom!"
"You're not hanging anybody today Norrington. (slashes his sword through an invisible stomach)"
"So you wanna be named Jack, do you? (throttles a tiny invisible monkey)"
"Burn my rum again, why don't you? Die Elizabeth. DIE! (insane hand movements that could be called punches, kicks, slaps, pulling of the hair and whatnot)"
"For the love of GOD ring the fucking buzzer"
Will screams out loud, and a stunned Drew quickly hits the buzzer. Ten times.
Jack smiles at the audience, as if he hadn't just displayed psychotic and manic-depressive behavior, and went back to his spot.
James gives a nod to Will and they both come in the middle.
James: "Pirates of the Caribbean: The misadventures of Captain Jack Sparrow"
Will: (Pretending to be Jack, sways over to James) "Michelle, my love."
James: (Pretends to slap Will)
Will: "I'm not sure I deserved that."
(Will sways with an invisible bottle of rum, takes some drinks, and sways some more)
Will: "Oh boo hoo. They stole my Black Pearl again. Let me go and find that Will Turner so I can trick him into going after the pearl again. And let me make sure that I will not let him in on my plans, right up to the last minute, even if they could save his life and keep him from going insane. And in the end, I will turn the damsel down, because I really don't think I'm into girls all that much anyway. Why don't I try and make a play for that young Mr. Tur..."
:Buzz! Buzz! Buzz:
Will suddenly realizes he's on national television. He blinks his eyes, smiles sheepishly at the camera and goes back to his spot.
"You have some deep-rooted emotional issues, luv'." Jack said to Will, and was answered with a glare.
Drew: "Next scence. 'What the audience is thinking right now?' "
Ryan steps down.
Ryan: (tapping his chin) "Hmm, out of all those looney tunes out there, Ryan is the only sane one. I hope abc build's a show around only him next fall (3)."
:Buzz:
Jack steps down next.
Jack: "I wonder if Jack Sparrow will take off his shirt so we can see all his cool tattoos." (moves his hands to the front of his shirt)
:Buzz:Buzz:Buzz:
Drew: "All right. Let's move on to the next scene. 'If Jack Sparrow did Dear Abby column for newspaper'."
Will steps down.
Will: (pretends to write) "Dear Jack. I think my wife is cheating on me with another man. What should I do?" (As Jack) "Well luv, first thing you need is rum. Lots and lots of rum. Secondly, you need to confront you wife mate. Ask her that if she is going to cheat on you, at least do it with another woman. (Leery Jack-like smile) And if she still continues to sleep with the other guy, then ask her if you can join in. It's always more fun that way." (winks at the camera)
:Buzz:
Jack: "You seem to be paying a lot of attention to my sexual preferance, Will me lad. Is there something you want to tell me?" (wriggles his eyebrows)
Will: "Shut up, Jack" (mega blush)
Ryan steps down to the middle of the stage.
Ryan: (writing in the air) "Dear Jack, you have to help me, I think I'm going insane. I have been feeling the strangest urge to be nice all of a sudden.(twists his mouth at the word 'nice') I have absolutely no desire to attack merchant ships, rob innocent people, go on raids, or go to a whorehouse. And that's not even the worst of it. I have not been craving rum 24/7 like I used to. I have been having the strangest feelings of settling down with a wife and 2.5 kids, to own a nice home with a front garden and a back yard, and to hold a respectable job. Help me Jack Sparrow! HEELLLPPP!"
(As Jack, swaying his body this way and that) "Oh son, your troubles are very dire. What you need to do is find some small kids and steal their toys or candy. That way, when they cry and throw a fit in front of you, you'll know how scary having kids is. Secondly, find a cute, adorable puppy and drown it in the ocean. That will rid you of your desire for a domestic life. Thirdly, if you want a wife, just go to Governor Swan's mansion and see how Elizabeth is living her life. It's always give me this, buy me that, do this for me, blah blah, whine, whine, whine. And if above all fails, then simply sing the song 'A pirates life for me' continuously, over and over, until it gets stuck in your head. Because if that doesn't drive you insane than I don't know what will."
:Buzz:
Jack glared at Ryan.
Jack: "Regardless of what you may have heard, I do not kill puppies nor do I take candies from babies. Oh and also, I am not insane, I just happen to like the song."
Will petted Jack on the head.
Will: "There there Jack, don't be upset."
Drew: "Next scene: If Ryan Styles had a role in the movies, what will it be?"
Ryan nodded to Jack, and they both moved to the center of the stage. Jack staggered over to Ryan.
Jack: "Ryan! Darling. (Ryan slaps Jack across the face. Jack looks backwards to Will) I think I deserved that."
Ryan: (One hand on the hip, and with the other, shaking a finger at Jack) "How dare you leave without saying goodbye. I may be a whore, but I'm a very expensive whore. If you keep that up, I will never allow you to pillage and plunder me again."
Audience laugh, and a few blow loud whistles.
Drew: (Laughing hysterically) "You think that's the best part there is for you?"
Jack: "Hey mate, it's either this or Barbossa's cabin boy. And you have no idea what Barbossa could make you do."
All contestants plus Drew go quiet for a few seconds, then they all give a combined shudder. All the audience get the mental picture and give a shudder as well.
Will: "The mere thought of that is going to haunt me in my nightmares."
Drew: "All right then, moving on: What the cast would be saying to their therapists after the show?"
Ryan steps down on the stage.
Ryan: "I believe I was the only sane one present on the show. Well, except for the Captain Lame-o there (gestures towards Norrington). I thought the whole thing was a crazy idea to begin with. And I don't think I could ever forget the sight of Drew being brutally murdered after the show. Why Drew, Why couldn't you just give Jack Sparrow some rum? All the crazy, fan girls stampeding Drew down after the show, holding up picket signs that read "We Love Jack" and "Jack+RumHappiness"; is a sight very hard to forget. Poor poor Drew."
Drew buzzes him out. Ryan walks back to his spot and Jack gives him a wide grin.
Jack: "Thank you for that Mr. Styles."
He says with a flourish.
Ryan: "Hey if worse comes to worse, don't forget who your friends are."
He says with a smile and a wink.
Norrington steps out on the stage.
Norrington: "I think that all of them misunderstood me gravely. They all thought that since I didn't see a lot of action in the movie, (Jack gives a loud cough that sounds suspiciously like 'or booty', Norrington ignores him), that I was a very calm, controlled or how some would say (he glares at Ryan) boring. But I had them all fooled. That had all apparently forgotten that I was Commodore Norrington, and I had complete access to unimaginable fire power. They never even suspected a thing that all their chairs were lined with highly explosive devices, and that Mr. Carey was sitting on the mack-daddy of them all (3). It was all a matter of time. How many times would he ring the buzzer. Fifteen times, twenty times. Even I had forgotten after which buzz would all the bombs go off."
:B...Buzz...Buzzzzzz:
Drew: "Well, that was interesting."
Norrington: (smiling at Drew) "All in good fun, Mr. Carey."
Drew: "All right lets move on. (takes out a paper) What kind of merchandise would the movie sell?"
Jack steps down. He pretends to hold a bottle.
Jack: "This just in. The newest flavor on the market. Forget all the other junk you've been drinking. One sip of Captain Sparrow's Rum and you would be in seventh heaven. It's a great new product with a great new taste, and it is cheap as well. So even if you are a drunken hobo, or just plain deadbeat, you can easily afford it. Just bring 10 of Cortez' cursed gold coins to your nearest liquor store and share in it's goodness. Hurry while supplies last."
Will: (In a monotone voice) "Jack selling rum, what a great surprise there."
Jack gives him a smile.
"And what would you be selling mate? A book on suppressed sexual desires?"
Will is left staring at Jack with his mouth wide open.
Ryan steps down.
"Yes. This is time. Now all your dreams can come true. Buy it today. (Flips a hand through his hair) A wig to show your age. So you say you're 50 years old, but don't want to show it. Purchase a black curly wig. Hey you young lads, want to appear sophisticated in front of your lady love. Impress her with your age and wisdom with this beautiful, white powdered wig."
:Buzz:Buzzzzz:
All four of the contestants go back to their seats.
Drew: "All right ladies and gentlemen, we are going to take a 'short' break now. (glares at the author. Snowpixie gulps) And we'll be back shortly to bring you more fun and games."
He throws the hat at the camera and successfully knocks it onto Snowpixie's head. She falls down in a faint.
Drew: "Well, we'll try to revive her so she can continue with this mockery of a fic. Until next time."
TBC.
Oh, explanation of the numbers.
1. Captain Morgan's Rum is the only one that I know of, since I'm not much of a drinker anyway.
2. abc build a show around Ryan Styles, that's actually one of my fantasies. They don't do him any justice on the Drew Carey Show.
3. Imagine Norrington saying the words "mack daddy". Oh my God muahahahahahahahahaaaaa dies laughing
Don't forget to review and by the way, next chapter is "World worst dating videos"