By Dimantrien
AN- crawls out from under a rock ummm…. Ehehe, remember me? The person who hasn't updated in…uh… almost a year? dead silence Oh yeah, I thought as much… (sweatdrops)
Chapter 7: Parental Guidance (in which Lily and James discover that students are not the worst people to find out about a rumor)
"What…the…hell…?" James managed to sputter after a few moments of appearing as if he had just choked on his own spit. Fifty faces beamed back at him, and a couple of the more festive (already drunk) ones actually threw confetti at him and Lily for effect. Nobody answered James' question, if it could even be considered as one, and anyway, half of them didn't manage to understand whatever it was he uttered. James read the banner three times over, pinched himself, confirmed that he wasn't hallucinating, then stared, still shocked, at the smiling faces of the crowd before him. Oh yes, it would be a lot of help if his brain started functioning right about now…
Still overcome by shock, he turned to Lily for an explanation. Bad idea. Lily's face was murderous; her lips pale and trembling as if threatening to spit fire. She was glaring spitefully at the Gryffindors (and some Hufflepuffs and Ravenclaws), who seemed merrily unaware of the fact that she wasn't exactly sporting an ecstatic, I'm-going-to-get-hitched expression on her usually calm face. She then whirled on James, her glare intensifying, as if it were all his fault that this had happened. Some of James' brain cells had the decency to get rolling and he glared back with equal magnitude, knowing that none of this was his fault anyway, and remembering that he still had to pay Lily back for that scene in Muggle Studies class.
Lily's green eyes closed (Ha! thought James triumphantly) and after a few moments of carefully controlled breathing, she opened them again and turned calmly to the crowd, declaring in a tone as cold as steel, "We are not getting married."
There were mixed reactions to this pronouncement. Some people looked politely confused (after all, telling people that you weren't really getting married during your engagement party wasn't exactly a normal occurrence), some had their eyebrows raised in silent skepticism, and most (sadly for Lily and James) were smirking and sniggering as if they were all in on a secret joke that the "engaged couple" were oblivious to.
Needless to say, it was not the reaction that Lily was expecting. She was quite sure, after her very clear statement, that they would all shrug their shoulders, laugh, and shake their heads at the troublesome culprit who thought that spreading such horrid misinformation would make a brilliant prank.
Once again, Lily found her predictions in the wrong. It wasn't the first time. She should have resigned herself to the fact that it was impossible to predict the general behavior of the magical community. And she really wished that they would all stop giggling… "What's so funny?!" she snapped at them, her feathers thoroughly ruffled by now. She once again glowered at James, who, this time, had the sense not to start another glaring match but instead cleared his throat to address the giggling, snickering, sniggering bunch.
"I would hate to admit that I am agreeing with Evans here, but she's right—how could you idiots even think that I'd propose to this violent, psychologically unbalanced, ill-tempered harpy—OUCH!!!" James hopped around on his left foot, giving Lily the look of death.
"Consider yourself lucky that I didn't have my wand in my hand at the time, Potter," Lily said in a silky tone, her emerald eyes glinting dangerously.
James furiously opened his mouth to retort, but the words died in his throat as a high-pitched voice from the crowd squealed, "Oh, aren't they just the cutest couple ever??"
Both Lily and James turned scarlet, scanning the crowd futilely for the offender. James adopted a highly affronted facial expression (after fighting to restore order to the blood vessels in his face) and said, in a much louder voice, "Let me just repeat it again… WE… ARE… NOT… GETTING… MARRIED!" He said the words slowly and clearly, giving particular emphasis to the word "not," for those people who were slow and a bit hard of hearing…which, these days, constituted practically all the students at Hogwarts who displayed a disturbing amount of interest in his and Lily's relationship.
"Oh, come off it, Potter," Elias Smith, a smug-looking blonde Ravenclaw, said loudly from the back. All eyes turned to him instead, and he continued, "It's all out in the open now, isn't it? The cat's out of the bag; no need to get all riled up now that your secret's been spilled…" Everyone else nodded in general assent, and it became clear to Lily and James why they were all smirking in that irritatingly knowing way.
They all thought that she and James were secretly engaged?! That they knew that she and idiot Potter would deny everything because nobody was supposed to know… O mother of all things holy, what was the world coming to?
Everybody started chattering on again, resuming the activities they had been immersed in before the engaged couple graced them with their presence. Both Lily and James merely stood there for a good minute, as if somebody cast a Freezing Charm on them both. Then the gears in James' head started turning once again (honestly, with all the absurdities he had been forced to endure through the past few weeks, he was sure his brain wouldn't be able to take it anymore and die on him one of these days) and he ran after Smith. "We really aren't engaged!" he said furiously, nearly colliding into the blonde when he stopped to get some punch from a long table that miraculously found its way to the Gryffindor common room.
"Of course not," Smith replied, his blue eyes a bit condescending, as if pitying James for keeping up with a hopeless act.
It thoroughly annoyed James, at any rate. "We AREN'T. See, Evans isn't even wearing a ring, is she?!" he said, practically at the top of his voice, pointing at Lily who held her ring-free fingers up for everyone to see.
"Well, she wouldn't want to wear it if you two were planning on keeping it all hushed up, would she? And it didn't even work anyway, as we can all obviously see here… Why don't you just loosen up a bit, Potter, it is your engagement party…" Smith drawled, taking a swig from his punch and starting to move away.
"I…you… Twenty points from Ravenclaw, Smith, your sorry ass's not supposed to be anywhere within the Gryffindor tower!" James bellowed after him resentfully. "And that goes for everybody else here who isn't a Gryffindor—"
"Aw, come on, Prongs, give them a break, they're here to join in the celebration of your engagement, after all," Sirius said cheerfully, clapping him hard on the back. "And might I say congratulations to you and Evans over there! I'm going to be the best man at the wedding, of course, just thought I'd remind you…"
James glared mutinously at him. "Not you too, Padfoot!" he snapped exasperatedly. "Will you stop grinning like a maniac and help me persuade this mad lot—!"
"Never mind that, you've got a load of presents to open! Go on, call Evans and see if someone gave you some really good stuff," Sirius interrupted. Under his breath he added, "Man, I never thought that people would be so responsive…"
"What was that?" James said sharply.
"Nothing, nothing…" Sirius replied carelessly. "Now shoo along, you're supposed to be holding hands with Evans and making googly eyes at each other—isn't that what engaged couples are supposed to do during engagement parties? I have important business to attend to; someone refilled the punch bowl and I haven't spiked it yet…"
"We're NOT ENGAGED!!!" James shouted heatedly after him, but Sirius was already swallowed up by the merrymaking throng.
IIIIIIIIII
"I don't think you should open that."
"Why? What's wrong with it?"
Lily narrowed her eyes at the rolled-up scroll in James' hands. The two of them had decided, after a whispered argument in the common room, to hide up in the boys' dormitories to escape from the chaotic circumstances that their "engagement party" had escalated to. They had brought everybody's presents with them (Lily figured she could amuse herself with unwrapping them in case they were holed up long enough for them to run out of insults to throw at each other) and were currently going through the considerable pile, their expressions of distaste deepening with each opened present.
So far they had a pile of household paraphernalia ("What are they giving us plates and silverware for? Isn't this the kind of stuff people are supposed to give as wedding gifts?" WHACK "Idiot, are you implying that you want a wedding?!" "….."), a few pieces of magic-endowed items ("Hey, at least not all of them are complete dunces; I've wanted one of these Self-Strangling Scarves for ages! It'd make a nice Christmas gift for dear old Snivellus." "You're Head Boy, and you're not killing off anybody, unless it's the mastermind behind this whole engagement catastrophe…"), and a pile of…suspicious things…that they were currently poking at.
"What the heck's this?" James had asked before the third pile had come into existence. He was holding a small box, made of the flimsy material that Muggles used for packaging commercial goods.
Lily was busy tearing open the wrapping of what looked like a small bedside lamp. "Try opening it. That's how people normally find out what's inside, didn't you know?" she said without looking up, tone laden with sarcasm.
James rolled his eyes at her but did as she said, extracting a weird rubbery thing from the box, staring at it quizzically.
"Well? What did you—" Lily lifted her head and the impatient expression she wore turned to one of horrification as her eyes landed on the thing in James' hands.
"What? What is it?" James asked confusedly, quite alarmed at the look on her face.
"THROW THAT AWAY!!!" Lily shrieked, wrenching the piece of rubber from his hand and expertly shooting it straight into the trash can a few feet away.
"Not until you tell me what this is," James said stubbornly, waving the box in front of her face. Her face had turned red as a tomato, and it was actually pretty funny…
Lily spluttered incoherently. Of all the Muggle things James Potter didn't yet know about, it had to be this… There was no freaking way she was going to be the one to tell him.
"Teeeeeeeeelllll meeeeeeee….!" James said cheerfully, enjoying Lily's discomfort immensely, even though a tiny bit of him was curious as to why she was so horrified in the first place.
"Will you just shut up and throw—it—away!" Lily snapped, hurling a balled-up piece of wrapping paper at him.
"You could just tell me what it is, and then it'll go straight in the trash, simple as that," James pointed out with a smirk.
Lily glared at him. Damn Potter! Didn't even know what he was asking for… "Fine, but you'll be sorry you ever wanted to know, moron…" Yes, she was going to be mature and explain it, in a very objective and scientific manner… It was just an extension of The Facts of Life™, after all… If only her cheeks would cooperate!
…Ten minutes later found an enlightened James, hazel eyes wide with comprehension and face red with embarrassment. "Er…well, how was I supposed to know, wizards usually just use spells…or so I'm told…" he mumbled, extremely uncomfortable. Lily was glowering accusatorily at him, her face still tinged with pink.
She shuddered. "Ugh, whoever sent that is just sick…"
"It's from Sirius," James noted before chucking the box into the trash bin.
"….."
After that, any other gift that had Sirius' name on it was promptly tossed into a separate pile from the others, remaining unwrapped. Lily pointed out that they should just burn the whole lot, but James protested that there might be something good in one of them—Sirius wasn't a complete pervert, he defended, and Lily gave him a look that clearly meant that she highly doubted his confidences.
Since they had already opened everything else, Sirius' pile was all that was left. Lily wouldn't even touch the packages and had scooted far away from it (and James), leaning against the foot of Remus' bed.
James had already uncovered a pack of strawberries, which Lily glared at quite ominously, probably reminded of the day when the whole mess started. The strawberries looked harmless enough, until James unwrapped a can of whipped cream, a roll of bandages, a pair of handcuffs, and a leather whip.
Lily was now staring at the pile with killing intent. "Clearly, Potter, you have proven just how wholesome your best mate's personality is," she said in a voice so icy it would put a freezer to shame.
"You just can't appreciate Padfoot's sense of humor," James argued halfheartedly, already finding it hard to defend Sirius when he himself was itching to give the idiot a good wallop.
A vein in Lily's temple twitched slightly, but she refrained from comment, choosing instead to grab her wand and raise it high above her head. She then brought it down in a sweeping motion, pointing it to the pile of Sirius' gifts. "Incen—"
James threw the roll of bandages at her wrist and succeeded in knocking her wand out of her hand.
"Ow! What did you do that for, you crude, despicable—"
The bespectacled boy quickly snatched the pack of strawberries and the whipped cream from Lily's target area, tossing them onto his own bed. "I happen to like strawberries with cream," he explained rather haughtily, as if Lily ought to be ashamed that she was going to let such a nice treat go up in flames.
Lily angrily rubbed at the small bruise James' projectile had made on her wrist. Who knew that a roll of bandages could do that much damage? Then again, nothing that could cause certain injury was impossible for such a nasty piece of work as James Potter, she thought grimly. She strode over to where James was sitting (James blanched, assuming that she was going to hit him) and picked up the handcuffs, giving him yet another of her spiteful glares. "Oh, I suppose all this junk has its uses. For instance, I could drag Black outside and use this to make him better acquainted with the Whomping Willow. A couple of hours of being chained to that violent tree ought to be enough to let him know how much we appreciate his…presents."
James eyed the handcuffs warily. "Now, now, there's no need to shed blood over this matter," he said hastily.
Lily whirled on him, her red locks flying as she granted him a sinister grin. "Or, I could just handcuff you to the Willow; I'm not picky when it comes to these kinds of things," she said almost airily, looking like she was mildly considering that idea.
"Me? In case you hadn't noticed, Evans, you're not the only one suffering here. Why don't you try putting up with Sirius and Remus' constant snickering behind your back?"
"It's your own fault that you chose them to be your best friends, so don't whine about their shortcomings to me—I'm not your bloody therapist—"
The door suddenly swung open and a grinning Sirius strutted in. "What's this? Your engagement party has barely started, and you're already thinking about a divorce?"
"We are NOT engaged!" Lily and James yelled as one, in unison down to the mutual glare they directed at each other.
"Whatever you say," Sirius said with a shrug, smirk still firmly in place. His eyes lit up. "Hey, did you open my presents yet?" His gaze led him from the long-suffering look on Lily's face to the offending pile on the carpeted floor. "Good! When d'you plan on using them?"
The only response he got was an enormous blob of whipped cream in his face. Lily tossed the can aside, smiling satisfactorily. "I suggest you keep them for yourself, Black, if you don't want them to go to waste. That would be quite a pity, wouldn't it?"
"Where're you going?" James called when Lily strode right past Sirius and out the door.
"Somewhere pervert-free," Lily retorted, glancing back at the cream-faced Sirius.
"Good luck," Sirius said sincerely, not at all affected by Lily's attempt to turn his face into a cupcake. He swabbed his finger across his cheek and tasted the cream as Lily's heels disappeared around the corner. "Pass the strawberries, will ya, Prongs?"
IIIIIIIIII
A tawny owl was the first thing that greeted Lily as she opened the door to her dorm room.
Midori looked up from the book she was reading. "Hey, you. Better grab that letter now, that poor thing's been waiting for you for half an hour."
"We tried to get it from him, but apparently he didn't want to fork it over to anyone other than the intended receiver," Raine added, showing Lily her badly scratched fingers. She scowled at the owl resentfully. Raine wasn't very fond of birds.
As soon as Lily relieved the owl of its burden, it hooted and glided toward the open window, shooting Raine a baleful glare as it went.
Raine ignored the messenger and watched Lily unroll the letter. "Who's it from, anyway? It had better be from someone important, or I'm going straight up to the Owlery to give that stupid bird a lesson."
"It's from Mum," Lily answered blankly, wondering what on earth her mother could write to her about at this time of the year. She started reading the contents, and her friends watched the interesting way her expressions changed. First, a frown, and then a look of disbelieving horror, and finally she went pale, her legs seemingly unable to support her as she staggered back down onto her bed.
Midori abandoned her book, casting it aside as she leaned forward with a look of concern on her face. "What's wrong?"
Raine approached their redheaded friend with a similar expression of worry. "Lily?"
"This can't be happening… Tell me this is all just a bad dream…" Lily moaned, casting the letter aside and putting her head in her hands.
Raine picked the letter off the floor. "Okay if we read this…?" But Lily just went on muttering despairingly to herself, so Raine glanced at Midori, who had with surprising speed managed to get to Raine's side in moments.
They held one side of the parchment each, reading through the flowery script silently.
Dearest Lily,
I was very shocked when I received the unsigned letter, and at first couldn't believe my eyes – my little girl, engaged!!! Oh, my dear, you don't know how hurt I was that you didn't inform your own mother about a matter as important as this! But after I calmed down considerably, I began to understand and empathize with your situation… I can still clearly remember how rash I myself was, when I was head over heels in love with your father at your age…
But really, dear, you should know better! I'm quite sure the lucky boy who captured your heart is of perfectly remarkable character, like yourself… Of course, my little girl can only pick the best! Even so, it is too soon for the two of you to think of such a life-changing matter as marriage! No, no, you're much too young!
I assure you that I'm not mad, not at all! I was simply a bit disappointed that you never consulted me about this, nor even told me anything about your relationship! My child, I wish only for your happiness… I have done everything I could to give you a good life, and all I want in return is for you to share some of that happiness with me! No more secrets, okay, sweetie? You must introduce your fiancé to your father and me as soon as possible! You owe me that much. Don't forget, you still need parental consent if you want to marry at your age!
Love always,
Mum
PS He's quite a handsome young man! Please thank your friend, whoever he or she is, for sending the photo along with the letter. I'm glad you take after my good taste
Raine finished reading (Midori had succumbed to fits of laughter shortly after the first half of the second paragraph), unable to repress a chuckle as she handed the letter back to Lily. "Well, at least we know now that your parents aren't going to throw a fit once you tell them you're getting hitched…"
"And here I was thinking that one of your relatives kicked the bucket, or something," Midori added, the corners of her lips twitching as if she were going to break into giggles again at the slightest provocation.
Lily glared at the letter, inwardly willing it to burst into flames (which it didn't). "She can't do this to me! She just can't!"
"Aw, Lily, you should be glad they're being so open-minded about all this! You're really lucky; not all parents will just up and agree to let you marry a boy you never told them about!" Midori quipped.
"I'm not marrying Potter!" Lily snapped, getting red in the face. "What kind of parent is she?! She's supposed to…to get mad, and demand to know who exactly I'm engaged to, and—"
"She already does, you know, whoever sent her that letter gave her James' picture," Raine reminded her.
"—and freak out on me! What is she on about, giving me permission to marry someone she's never even met—"
"Oh, I don't think she gave you permission already. Your mum said something about parental consent, didn't she? She didn't sound mad at all, though, so I reckon she'll give you two thumbs-up…" Midori said thoughtfully.
"I can't believe this! I'm only seventeen, and she's willing to give me away to just anybody!"
"That's pretty harsh. James Potter isn't 'just anybody,' even I can admit that, right, Raine?"
"Yeah… The Potters are one of the richest families in the wizarding world, old blood, and all that."
"I won't have this!!! If dad hears about this—"
"If your dad didn't agree with your mum, do you seriously think he'd let her get away with sending you a letter like that?"
"Oh! At least we're sure your sister's going to be completely against the whole thing! Doesn't that make you feel better, Lily?"
Lily stared at Midori, who had kindly reminded her about her sister, whom Lily had loved dearly…
…until the time Petunia found out Lily was a witch, and day after day Lily had learned to detest her sister in return. Since then they always came to blows, never agreeing to any one thing and turning insult hurling into an art form. Lily's scowl deepened.
"WHAT! What right does she have to criticize who I want to marry or not?! Who does she think she is!"
Raine smiled, and Midori's eyes lit up in undisguised glee. "You mean you do want to marry James?" she asked as innocuously as she could.
Lily's face was extremely red (although her friends liked to think it wasn't from anger anymore, and they were probably right). "You two shut up already!!!"
IIIIIIIIII
"What the hell is this?" James grumbled as Sirius expertly threw a sheet of rolled-up parchment at him. He scowled, wiping off a bit of whipped cream from his cheek. Sirius didn't even have the good graces to wash his hands before flinging the damned thing at him.
"Looks like a rolled-up piece of parchment to me," Sirius said offhandedly, happily polishing off the last few strawberries in his hands.
James rolled his eyes. "Thanks, Einstein."
"What's an I-stine? Is it edible?"
"…Padfoot, go down to the kitchens, ask the house-elves for a glass of water, and keep telling them to refill it until you've consumed roughly five gallons. With any luck, that'll dilute all the sugar you ingested into your system."
"Right-o, Prongs my man," Sirius replied with a sugar-induced grin, saluting James and bouncing out the door. No doubt he would go to the kitchens, all right, but he was probably going to chug down five gallons of butterbeer instead, or something of that sort.
At least he wouldn't be in James' hair for a good hour or two. That would have to suffice. James sighed, unfurling the letter that Sirius had kindly chucked at his face, seconds before. There were strawberry stains all over the back of it now. He blinked, recognizing the spidery handwriting of…his mother? What the heck was she writing to him for?
My dear James,
You have a LOT of explaining to do. What is this about you proposing to a Miss Lily Evans? Apparently every nook and cranny of Hogwarts has heard of your relationship, and yet you conveniently forgot to inform me? I wish you were more like Sirius! Why, he tells me everything about his girlfriends as if I were his own mum – who I would gladly want to be, considering how his real mother is so horrid to him. Now why can't you be like that? Judging from the letter I received (and I daresay it was a lot more informative than anything you have ever told me), this mystery fiancée of yours is the Head Girl. I suppose that's enough grounds for her to be a decent young lady, although I can't be too sure – after all, you became Head Boy. Oh, don't take it the wrong way, dear, you're quite marvelous; however, I do hope to have grandchildren who aren't as much of a handful to take care of as you.
Not that I'm saying I want grandchildren now… Don't you dare get the wrong idea. I want the two of you to be happily married before you do anything funny, young man. You don't want to scare off the poor girl! And she's quite a beauty too – I'm sure you'll have very lovely children Oh, what am I saying, you're still not allowed to do anything rash until I see you slipping the ring on her finger!
I want to meet her as soon as you get home for Christmas break. No excuses. Until then, behave yourself!
Much love,
Mother
"What the… this can't be… not mother too…!" James sputtered to the piece of parchment.
"Prongs, what are you doing, sputtering to that piece of parchment?" a voice spoke up from the doorway. James looked up to see Remus wading through the pile of gifts on the floor. The werewolf winced as he accidentally stepped on some whipped cream.
"It's from my mother! Some idiotic prat sent her a letter about my supposed relationship with Evans!" James spat, waving the letter around furiously.
Remus stared. "…I see. Don't have a fit now, I'm sure she understands—"
"Understands? Understands? She practically can't wait until the damned wedding!"
"Er, right then. It can't be as bad as you think—"
"SHE EVEN WANTS GRANDCHILDREN!!!"
At this, Remus tripped over a box of silverware and fell flat on his face. He didn't seem to be fazed by it at all, unless kissing the carpet was that enjoyable that it could make him grin from ear to ear…
"And what are you smiling about?!" James snapped.
Remus coughed, but unfortunately it came out sounding like a snicker (which it was, actually). "Nothing…just…I'll be expecting my invitation." And then he finally made it to his bed (without tripping) and collapsed onto it on his stomach, his shoulders shaking with mirth.
James wanted to strangle him.
But first, he had to deal with the messenger who just made his problems even worse…
"SIRIUS!!!" he bellowed.
IIIIIIIIII
"AH-CHOO!"
"…that's disgusting, Sirius."
"Sorry," Sirius sniffed, taking the proffered tissue from Midori's hand and blowing his nose.
Midori looked down at the table, which suddenly had bits of unidentified red goo splattered onto it, and scooted her chair a little farther away. "You know, in Japan, there's this belief that when you sneeze for no reason, someone out there's thinking about you."
"Really? Some beautiful girl must be reminiscing about the most spectacular date she ever had in her whole life," Sirius said cockily, reaching for another strawberry in the humongous basket he had nicked from the kitchens.
Midori rolled her eyes. "Your arrogance never ceases to amaze me."
"Yeah, I really am amazing, aren't I?"
The Asian girl sighed, knowing a lost cause when she saw one. "I meant thinking about you in a bad way. Now shut up and finish those strawberries of yours already."
Sirius complied, and for a long while the only sound to be heard was him slurping up strawberries like a fruit shake.
"James must have gotten his letter by now. Ah, that must explain why someone's supposedly thinking murderous thoughts about you… I reckon Lily's still in the dormitory, furiously trying to figure out who told her mum about their 'engagement.' You didn't tell me anything about that."
Sirius started to open his mouth, thought better of it, and paused to swallow. After a moment wherein he was presumably ridding his teeth of red stains, he finally said, "Too slow." He looked pointedly at Midori.
Midori frowned at him. "Are you talking about me?"
"Who do you think?" Sirius deadpanned. If he was going to give a helping hand into this whole matchmaking business, he might as well speed things up a little. Slow games always did bore him out of his mind.
Midori smirked. "Well, if I'm slow, then limp turtles in a foot race are ten times faster than Lily and James."
Sirius gave her a strawberry-free smile. "Couldn't have said it better myself."
IIIIIIIIII
yeah, I know that prefects aren't supposed to be able to dock points, but that was during Harry's time, so as a convenient plot device, let us assume that back when James and Lily were still in school, they were allowed to do so. XD
A/N – A thousand apologies to whoever is reading this right now TT Yes, yes, Dimantrien sets a record! One year late! I'm so, so sorry. College is eating my brain. I just had to go to the premiere university in my country. Now I feel like an idiot among so many geniuses. I also have a few personal problems to deal with right now… Still, I promise that I will finish this story, no matter how long it takes. Please bear with me for a little while longer. Thank you to those who understand…