Leap Year
As usual, Donna Moss knew the moment that her boss, Joshua Lyman, entered the West Wing. The Deputy Chief of Staff always came in with all guns blazing, ready to take on the world. And on February 29, he was even more enthusiastic than ever.
Much to Josh's chagrin, he had been forced to take two days off due to a nasty head cold. Donna had been relieved beyond words when President Bartlet had sent Josh home; his incessant sniffling and complaining was wearing on her nerves quickly. But it had been kind of lonely without Josh around, and Donna was glad to hear Josh come in on Friday the 29th.
"Donna!" Josh hollered as he entered the West Wing. "Donna!"
Donna, already hurrying toward Josh's office with a list of phone messages that was more like a small book, tried her best to speed up her pace, which required much skill in high heels.
"Josh, relax, I'm coming!" Donna called as she neared the office. That quieted Josh's screams for the moment, but when Donna finally reached her goal, Josh was moving things around and writing lists and trying his best to type on his little-used computer with a frantic activity that was over-the-top, even for Josh.
"Glad to see you're feeling better," Donna said, eyeing Josh's activity with more than a little suspicion.
"Donna, I am a man on a mission today," Josh said grandly, not pausing in his efforts.
"I see that." Donna waited a moment for a response, and seeing that none was forthcoming, ventured to call Josh's attention to the small book of phone messages in her hand. "You missed some, well, a lot of calls while you were gone, and I've got your messages here, arranged in order of most important first."
Josh granted Donna a cursory glance at the list of messages she was holding before continuing on with his work.
"Donna, you've really got to learn to listen better. I told you, I am a man on a mission. I don't have time for little things like returning phone calls," Josh said.
Donna blinked in surprise. "Okay…so, Josh, man-on-a-mission, what do you expect me to do with all of these messages? These people have already had to wait for two days."
"Well, they'll just have to wait a while longer. Donna, this is important. I think that everyone can just get over having to wait once they are aware of the greater good at stake here," Josh insisted.
Donna gave an exasperated sigh. "And just what greater good are you crusading for now, Josh?"
Here Josh paused his activity and stood proudly behind his desk and spread his hands like he was the pope blessing a crowd of faithful Catholics.
"I am going to find the President's brain."
oOoOoOoOoOoOo
Sam Seaborn was hard at work when he was summoned to his boss's office in the usual way; the plastic ball which normally bounced against the wall changed its trajectory and started rebounding against Sam's window.
"You know, you could actually come get me one of these days instead of just throwing that stupid ball," Sam said irritably as he strode into Toby Ziegler's office.
"First off, it's not stupid, it's rubber. Secondly, that would involve me getting up and making an effort to be nice, and there is not enough coffee in this entire city to entice me to expend that much energy this early in the morning," Toby said.
"You don't find being a cranky sourpuss exhausting?" Sam pressed.
"Sam, if you ever use the words 'cranky sourpuss' in this building again, you will be writing dress code memos for the janitorial staff, I swear it."
"Right, well, note taken. So, what did you want?" Sam asked.
"What were you working on?" Toby responded.
"Nothing, really," Sam said.
"Huh, that's funny, 'cuz it sure looked like you were hard at work in there," Toby said.
"It's just a little something a friend asked me to help with…or, actually, I volunteered to help with. Is there something else you want me to work on?"
"What are you working on, Sam?" Toby persisted.
"Nothing, I told, you." Sam was getting frustrated. "Toby, if you don't have anything for me, then can I go back to my office, please?"
"Why do you want to go back if there's nothing to work on?" Toby challenged.
"Okay, Toby, really, are you going to drop this?"
"No," Toby declared.
"Fine. Mallory's class is putting on a little play and they decided to make it a musical, and they were having some trouble with the lyrics with some of the songs, so I volunteered to help," Sam confessed.
"You're writing lyrics to a song for a fourth grade musical?" Toby asked, incredulous.
"Actually, there are three songs I'm working on," Sam clarified.
"Huh." Toby was silent for awhile.
"Can I go back to my office now?" Sam asked.
"Uh, Sam, I tell you what," Toby said. "Bring the lyrics in here and I'll help you a little."
"What!" Sam couldn't believe his ears. "You want to help?"
"Yeah," Toby said. "I think it would be a good deed to do."
"Toby, you've never been that much of a good deed doer. What gives?" Sam demanded.
"You want the truth?"
"Yeah, the truth."
"There's absolutely nothing else to do. I'm bored to death," Toby said.
"You're telling me that there is absolutely nothing better for a senior staff member of the administration of the president of the United States to do than to write lyrics for a fourth grade musical?"
"Uh, yeah," Toby said.
"Is it wrong that I find that more believable than you wanting to do a good deed out of the kindness of your heart?" Sam asked.
"Just go get the lyrics," Toby said, repressing the urge to chase Sam out of his office with his rubber ball.
oOoOoOoOoOoOo
"I am in a good mood today, Charlie. A fine, fine mood," President Josiah Bartlet told his body man.
"I see that, sir," Charlie said patiently, holding the President's suit jacket for him.
"Do you know why I am in such a fine mood today, Charlie?" the President pressed.
"Would it have anything to do with the fact that the First Lady is coming back from Finland tonight?" Charlie ventured.
"Good guess, but wrong, Charlie," the President said as they began to head down to the Oval Office. "Guess again."
"Um…it's Friday?" Charlie guessed.
"Another fine guess, Charlie, but you're still wrong. Want to try again or do you give up?" the President asked.
"Sir, I am at a loss as to why you are in such a fine mood. I give up," Charlie said.
"Aw, come on! A guy like you shouldn't give up so easily! Guess again."
"Mr. President, I really don't have any idea why you are in such a fine mood, and I would be eternally grateful if you would enlighten me and stop this guessing game," Charlie said as respectfully as he could.
"Oh, fine, fine, be that way, Charlie. Lucky for you we're almost here for senior staff and you'll be enlightened soon enough with all the rest of them," the President said, not to be daunted.
And with that, Josiah Bartlet swept into the Oval Office.
"Good morning, everyone," he said, coming to stand behind his desk.
"Good morning, Mr. President," chorused Toby, Sam, and Josh, as well as C.J. Cregg, Press Secretary, and Leo McGarry, the Chief of Staff.
"I am in a fine, fine mood today. Does anyone want to guess why? Charlie here was trying to guess, but he gave up much too quickly, but that's just because he's…oh, what am I looking for…"
"A cranky sourpuss?" Sam suggested. Toby shot him a nasty look.
"Yes, Sam, that's exactly right," the President said. Sam gave Toby a look of triumphant gloating. "So, any guesses?"
"The First Lady's getting back from Finland tonight?" Josh suggested.
"How do you know the First Lady's schedule? You can barely keep track of your own," Leo pointed out.
"Hey, I've been home sick for the past two days, and CNN does one heck of a good job keeping track of the First Lady's schedule," Josh explained.
"Okay, let's get back to the topic at hand here. Why am I in such a fine mood?" the President asked again.
"Sir, I think I speak for all of us when I say that I'm sure I don't know," C.J. said.
"Okay, well, in spite of the fact that C.J. is a cranky sourpuss as well, I will enlighten you all," the President declared. "Today is February the 29th. It happens only once every four years. It is historic, and exciting. Not only that, but it is a testament to the intelligence and creativity of mankind to come up with this unique system for correcting for the extra quarter of a day that naturally occurs in each and every year. Today, my friends, is leap day which means that today is a monumental and very exciting day. And that is why I'm in such a fine mood."
"Well, Mr. President, I think we all share in your enthusiasm, but perhaps we should get going on the rest of our agenda," Leo suggested.
"Okay, shoot," the President said.
No one said anything.
"Does anyone have anything on the agenda for today?" Leo asked.
No one said anything.
"I don't believe it," Leo said.
"Surely on an historic day such as this, someone would have something to do," the President pressed.
"I've-er, we've- got some little things to work on for an, uh, educational program," Sam said.
"That's it?" C.J. asked. "What kind of briefing can I give today with that?"
"Actually, I have a mission," Josh said grandly. "I wasn't going to say anything about it until it was done, but since it's kind of a slow day…"
"What kind of mission?" the President asked.
"I am going to correct one of the largest oversights in the history of the American government. See, I found out on the Discovery channel that the National Archives has misplaced a very important part of American history, which I intend to find." Josh flashed the smile that had earned him his very own fan club and a spot on the web called what exactly is this remarkable American treasure that has been lost?" Toby asked skeptically.
"The brain of John F. Kennedy," Josh announced proudly.
oOoOoOoOoOoOo
"You know it's funny, but I had kinda thought they might take it a little better than you did," Josh said to Donna later.
"Yeah, well, I guess it just goes to show you that I'm not the only one that thinks the Speaker of the House is going to be just a little put out that you're blowing him off to search for a preserved brain of a dead president," Donna replied.
"Not just dead, Donna. Assassinated. There could be a ton of important forensic evidence lodged in that brain somewhere," Josh said.
"Didn't they kind of look for that stuff when the assassination first happened?" Donna asked.
"Well, yeah, but they have new theories and stuff now. That brain is valuable, and no one knows where it is now. Doesn't that kind of scare you?" Josh asked.
"No, actually, you're scaring me Josh. Just how much cold medication did you take, anyway?" Donna said. "Some of that stuff has alcohol in it you know, and you do have a very sensitive system."
"Donna, I'm fine, seriously. I just have a little enthusiasm for my mission. I mean, the National Archives was given JFK's brain for safe-keeping. It's about time someone held them accountable and made sure they've got things under control over there."
"Why exactly was the National Archives given the brain of JFK anyway?" Donna asked.
"You know, the funny thing is that part wasn't so clear," Josh admitted, deflating for just a moment. "But we shouldn't lose sight of the important things here. We can get some congressmen on-board with this, put some pressure on the head honcho down there, get this done."
"Josh, do you even know who's in charge of the National Archives?" Donna pointed out.
"No…but that's why I have you working for me," Josh said, managing somehow to be endearing.
"Fine. I'll go make some calls," Donna sighed. She turned around and started for the door.
"Hey, Donna. Let's show some enthusiasm here. You are going to be part of one of the greatest triumphs in American history. This is right up there with, I don't know, Apollo 11," Josh said.
"Sure, Josh. Whatever you say," Donna muttered as she pulled his office door shut behind her.
oOoOoOoOoOoOo
"I don't know. I'm just not feeling it, Toby," Sam said, looking over Toby's shoulder as the Director of Communications furiously typed on his laptop.
"I'm not done yet, Sam. Have a little patience," Toby said.
"You know, Toby, you don't particularly strike me as the kind of guy who can easily get into the light-hearted, feel-good spirit of musicals. Perhaps you should let me help a little, there," Sam said, reaching for the keyboard.
"Hands off," Toby said, brushing away Sam's hands. "This is a masterpiece in process here."
"Oh, well, in that case…" Sam said sarcastically.
Toby sighed and stopped typing for a moment. "Sam, do you know what the chronic problem is with musicals today? I'll tell you. It is a severe case of over-the-top cheerfulness. People need a little bit of reality to cut the sweetness or else it makes them suddenly, terribly nauseous. I intend to make this musical something that over-worked fathers and stressed-out mothers can actually stomach, if not enjoy for an hour of their miserable lives."
"Toby, people come to shows to escape from everyday life, to have their faith in mankind restored. They want cheer," Sam protested.
"Well, see, I think you're wrong," Toby said, turning back to his laptop.
"And I think you're wrong," Sam said. "So, I'm just going to go over to my office there and work on my own version of the lyrics, and at the end of the day, we'll just see who's work turns out clearly superior."
"Fine," said Toby, not glancing up.
"Fine," said Sam, heading for the door. He briefly wondered if slamming Toby's door would be over-the-top, but the thought was quickly lost amidst the myriad of possible cheerful lyrics flying around in his brain.
oOoOoOoOoOoOo
"Mrs. Landingham, they have all lost it," Charlie said later that day.
"Yes, well, they're some of the best and the brightest minds in the world and I'm sure they're all perfectly capable of finding whatever it is they have lost all by themselves," Mrs. Landingham, the President's secretary, replied.
"What makes you think that I think they couldn't?" Charlie asked.
"You had a meddling tone," Mrs. Landingham replied, giving Charlie a significant look. "I had sons of my own, you know. I can recognize that tone from a mile off."
"It's not meddling," Charlie said. "I just think we need to do something to wake everyone up around here. I mean, Sam and Toby are dueling over writing lyrics for a fourth-grade musical."
"Charlie, when you've been around as long as I have, you learn that you don't meddle unless it's as bad as it can be," Mrs. Landingham said soothingly.
"Okay," Charlie said. He calmly stood up, crossed to the TV across the room, and turned up the sound. He then crossed back to his desk to watch CJ Cregg give her press briefing.
"A senior White House official this morning has started a campaign to put pressure on the, um, head of the National Archives to step up efforts to find President John F. Kennedy's brain. The preserved brain was given to the Archives for safe keeping following the 1963 assassination of President Kennedy," CJ said.
"Can you tell us exactly why the brain was given to the National Archives?" called a reporter.
"Um, the senior official said, and I quote, 'That part was kind of unclear.' Next question!" CJ said.
Charlie glanced at Mrs. Landingham to see if she had noticed the trouble CJ was having in trying to give some sort of semblance of dignity to her briefing.
"Okay, well, I think it might be time to do a little meddling," Mrs. Landingham said. "I'll need Margaret and Donna, if you don't mind."
"A couple of fellow meddlers coming right up!" Charlie said as he started down the hall.
oOoOoOoOoOoOo
"Josh!" called Sam.
"Josh!" yelled Toby.
"Not now, guys," said Josh, not glancing up from the file he was reading. "I am a man on a mission."
"You know, you really should watch that cold medication," Sam suggested.
"I'm fine, really. In fact, I've never felt more alive. My life has a purpose, a goal," Josh said.
"And yet it's all still so pathetic," Toby said.
"Look, Josh, just take a break from your mission for one minute," Sam said. "Toby and I are having a little bit of an argument here, and we need a judge."
"Go ask Donna," Josh suggested. "I'm busy."
"Donna's not there," Toby pointed out.
"Josh, we're never going to leave you alone until you listen to us," Sam informed Josh.
"Okay, fine. But make this snappy. I blew off the Speaker of the House for this mission," Josh said.
"So, Mallory's class is doing this musical, and Toby and I are having a difference of opinion about the lyrics for one of the songs," Sam explained.
"And this musical is about what exactly?" Josh asked.
"Recycling," Toby said.
"Oh goody," Josh said, leaning back in his chair. "Okay, shoot. The sooner you start the sooner it'll all be over."
"Good then. This is a little something I like to call, 'Green is Happy.'" Sam cleared his throat. "Black is a dark color/Brown makes me sad/Grey is not okay/But green makes me glad! Green is happy/It evokes the image of grass and trees and money/Green is happy/So let's all live green, honey!"
"That's enough, Sam. I think Toby wins right there. That has got to be the worst thing I've ever heard!" Josh said.
"Well, wait until you hear Toby's version before making any rash decisions," Sam said petulantly.
"I call this one, 'Reducing/Reusing/Recycling: The Superior Method for a Brighter Tomorrow.'" Toby took a deep breath. "Sometimes life is hard/sometimes it seems more prudent to take the easy way out/But if we all pool our resources/We can all learn to do the right thing and reduce, reuse, and recycle."
"Wow, well, that just made this ridiculously hard to judge. Toby, do fourth graders even know what 'prudent' means?" Josh asked.
"At least mine rhymed," Sam pointed out.
"I think the lyricist who can avoid rhyme is indeed the superior writer and communicator," Toby said.
"I think I need to get back to important things like finding JFK's brain," Josh said.
Luckily, they were all interrupted at this point by Charlie.
"Guys, there's a situation brewing. They need all senior staff in the Oval," he said. "Something about a skirmish at the border with Mexico. Apparently a bunch of would-be immigrants acquired some guns and are exchanging fire with some of the border patrol. I think they might be doing some real damage in some of the smaller border towns."
"What?" Toby said.
"You mean a bunch of Mexicans think we'll let them in the country if they shoot their way in?" Sam said.
"Yeah, most people usually try sneaking in," said Josh. "Different strokes for different folks, I guess."
They all three headed quickly for the Oval Office.
oOoOoOoOoOoOo
"Well, it looks like I am not the only one who decided that February 29th was an historic day. It seems our neighbors to the south had the same idea," the President told his most trusted advisors.
"Should we be concerned? What about evacuations? Have we talked to the Senators from states bordering Mexico?" Josh asked.
"Not yet," the President said.
"Well, what are we waiting for?" Josh pressed. He seemed ready to run out the door right then.
"I'll start working on a statement in case an attack is successful. Sam, you working on a statement in case of a repelled attack," Toby said.
"Wait, guys," C.J. said. "Aren't we jumping the gun here a little bit?"
"C.J.'s right," Leo said. "Don't we have a musical to complete? And a brain to find?"
"What? Leo, this is a matter of national security," Josh said.
"No, no, he has a point," said the President. "We have to keep our priorities straight around here. Sam, Toby, don't you dare stop working on that musical until you get it right! Recycling is the only way we're going to have much of our country left to pass on to our kids."
"Um, Mr. President, might I point out that if these renegades invade, the whole thing will snowball and we really won't have any country left to pass on?" Toby said. "Has everyone gone mad around here? What ever happened to responsible governing!" By this time, Toby's voice was quite loud indeed.
C.J. couldn't take it anymore and burst out laughing.
"Sorry, the look on Toby's face…I can't keep this up, anymore," she said. "Guys, there are no militant Mexicans attacking us. It was all a plot to make you realize how crazy you were getting about these pet projects of yours."
"I'm afraid Claudia's right," the President said. "You three guys needed a lesson. And the looks on your faces when Leo said that C.J. was right, well, let's just say that my fine mood has increased to an all-new height."
"You guys tricked us?" Sam said, sounding hurt.
"No offense, guys, but I didn't think you were capable of thinking up such a hair-brained scheme," Josh said. "Usually, that's my department."
"Well, we did have a little help," Leo said. "Girls, you can come in now."
The door to Leo's office opened and Donna, Margaret, and Mrs. Landingham all entered the Oval Office.
"Hello, boys," said Margaret.
Sam, Toby, and Josh all groaned.