Summary: A sort-of oneshot in three chapters. Yet again, James is trying to win over Lily's affections. But this time, Lily may have the upper hand. Will James make a fool of himself yet again? Probably. More of Sirius being crazy!
Rated T to be on the safe side.
A/N: yes, I am currently procrastinating on my two novel fics. If more people would read them and review, new chapters would be posted sooner…but, now for your enjoyment and my procrastination purposes, I give you my very first oneshot!
Disclaimer: I'm not JK Rowling. I own any characters you don't recognize (Elana). Blah blah blah. I also don't own "Rocky Horror Picture Show" or anything associated with it. Except the soundtrack, which obviously inspired this story
o.O
Ch. 1: The Plan
"Hey, Evans."
"Mmm?"
"Evans?"
"What, Potter?"
"Go out with me?"
"No."
"Why?"
Lily looked up from her textbook. James Potter was smiling in what he seemed to think was coy and irresistible. To Lily Evans, she found it to be yet another annoyance on her huge-mongous list of Annoying Potter Things.
"Because I hate you, Pot-head," Lily said, looking back at her book.
"Why?"
Lily rolled her eyes and looked up again. The smile was replaced by a slightly pathetic puppy-dog look that could easily have been stolen from Sirius. And it probably was.
"Because you're an ass and don't know when to bugger off."
"That's just part of my charm though. C'mon, Evans. Inside, I know you're dying to say yes."
"No, actually, inside I'm dying to kill you. Now shut up and let me finish my reading."
Silence.
"Now will you go out with me?"
Lily shrieked in frustration. Leaving her things, she sped out of the common room and up the girls' staircase. James watched her go, longing to follow her and…well, he hadn't quite gotten that far. He would be perfectly happy with a date. Or a kiss. Or a shag. Yeah, he'd like to be shagged by Lily.
"Do you see why the poor man needs help?"
James looked up to see Sirius and Remus appear two feet away from him. His Invisibility Cloak lay at their feet.
"How long have you been there?" James demanded.
"Long enough to see you spectacularly dumped by Lily for…what is it, Remus, the six hundredth time?"
"Roughly six hundred and eighteen give or take a fewunpublisized battles."
"You lot have been keeping track!" James asked incredulously. "Great, at least my best mates are getting a laugh out of my demise."
"Why don't you get some help?" Remus tried to help.
"Like who? Face it, unless Lily suffers severe brain damage, she's never going to agree to date me."
"Hey…" Sirius said, the little light bulb above his head going off.
"No," Remus cut him off. "James didn't mean that literally."
"I know," Sirius said, hiding the baseball bat he had just conjured. "What if we talked to Elle?"
Elle had been Lily's best friend since before Hogwarts, when they grew up together as next-door neighbors. Elle was a slightly more gregarious copy of Lily; she enjoyed reading and got good marks just like Lily, but tended to be more outspoken and daring. Once at Hogwarts, she had automatically taken a shine to Quidditch and now played Beater on the Gryffindor team, meaning she more that tolerated the boys' presence.
"You just want her to take a shine to you," James accused. Sirius grinned mischievously. Sirius had always coveted his unattainable-yet-adored dating status. Yet lately, James had noticed Sirius paying more attention to the tall brunette.
"Sirius might have a point though," Remus mused. "Elle is the closest link you have to Lily who will actually carry on a conversation with you."
"Are you both forgetting?" James asked. "We've already tried this. Elle sides with Lily and she refuses to help."
"I think I can persuade her," Sirius waggled his eyebrows.
o.O
Lily slammed the dorm room door. Elle looked up from her novel, her mouth, which had been forming the lyrics of an ABBA song, frowned at the redhead.
"What's up, chiquita?" she asked. Her dark brown hair hung to her mid back and herblue-green eyes looked quizzically at her from out of her pale face.
"Potter," Lily seethed.
"Ah," Elle said knowingly, setting aside her book. "What'd he do this time?"
"Asked me out. Again."
"Six hundred and eighteen then," Elle muttered.
"What?"
"Nothing."
Silence. Lily chucked a pillow at the wall behind her best friend. "Why is he so…eurgh!"
"That was poetic." Lily glared at her.
"He only wants me because I'm the only girl in Hogwarts who doesn't worship the toilet he pisses in," she seethed.
"I don't do that," Elle reminded.
"Well, you're friends with him. And of course Sirius fancies you."
Elle sighed heavily. "He is such an arse," she mumbled. "Last practice, y'know when it was raining, he bewitched mud balls to act like Bludgers. And when I tried to tell James, the sexist, egotistical prick did absolutely nothing!"
"Prats, the lot of them," Lily agreed.
There was a knock on the door. Elle went to answer it, leaving Lily to stew. Suddenly, there was a yelp, a slam, and muffled yelling. Lily turned. Elle was gone.
o.O
When Elle had opened the door, she had only caught a glimpse of a guy in a chicken mask and trench coat before a cloth bag was put over her head. She tried to yell for Lily as she felt herself be thrown over a shoulder, but her voice wouldn't sound. Her capturer proceeded to run off with his hostage to…the boys' dormitory (dun dun dun!)
"Got her?" she heard a voice say.
"Yeah," the chicken guy responded.
"Put her down."
Elle felt herself be lowered into a chair. There was a faint light and she felt herself be bound to the chair.
"Prongs, I didn't mean for you to do it like this," a third boy said.
"She won't cooperate any other way."
"But did you have to cover her face with boxers?"
"EEW!" Elle's voice finally shrieked; the chicken guy had removed the boxer. Elle opened her eyes to see the filthy dormitory of the Marauders. A bright lamp was focused on her face. James was standing in front of her, the guy in the chicken mask beside him, the boxers in his hands. Remus was lingering in the shadow, clucking his disapproval. "Those had better be clean by the way," she finished.
"There're mine," the chicken guy said. Elle suspected he was grinning behind his mask.
"Sirius, mate, take off that ridiculous thing. It was bad enough you insisted on wearing it," Remus piped in. Sirius obliged and revealed his smirking face.
"It's just so damn attractive though," he studied the rubber thing. "Tell me you weren't orgasmic when you saw me in that mask."
"I wasn't orgasmic when I saw you," Elle said. "Although it was a real improvement over your normal look."
Sirius clucked his tongue. "Now, dear, you keep flirting with me like that and I'll have to shag you right now in front of our friends."
"God save us," Remus mumbled. Sirius turned and grinned.
"Remus, you great prude," Sirius clapped him on the back in what he thought was friendly. "I love you, but you need to be more comfortable with your masculinity."
"That's enough," James finally spoke. "Now," he directed the lamp into her eyes. "Sing, chickadee."
Elle looked quizzically at him, and then smirked. "Ask any of the chickies in my pen. They'll tell you I'm the biggest mother…hen. I love them all and all of them love me. Because the system works, the system called…reciprocity!" she sang.
"I didn't mean literally sing," James rolled his eyes.
"Then what's the big reason you have for Sirius kidnapping me?"
"Well, actually, he volunteered to do that himself." Elle glared at Sirius, who nodded at her. "Help me."
Elle looked back at James. He looked genuine. She sighed. "With what, dare I ask?"
"Lily."
Silence.
"You're joking."
James looked around, uncertain. "No…"
"Lily hates you."
"…I know."
"I barely tolerate you."
"I know."
"So what reason in hell could you possibly give me that would convince me to help you?"
James struggled. "Because…I love her. You might not believe me and I would understand that. Hell, I didn't believe it at first myself. It started out as a joke, but now it really kills me when she turns me down. I think, if she would just give me one chance…one date…I think I might be able to prove I'm not as bad as you two think."
Silence. Elle inhaled deeply, and then sighed.
"That was a big talk you just had," she commented. More silence. "You're lucky I'm so forgiving. I'll help you."
James looked at her in shock. "You're joking?"
"Wish I was. Apparently, I'm mental today. But yeah, I'll help you but only a bit. I still like Lily more than you."
"What about me?" Sirius asked suavely.
"I like you least of all," Elle said. "You captured me, remember?"
"I still think you are secretly turned on by my manhandling you," Sirius waggled his eyebrows.
"So," James said, interrupting Sirius, "how would you suggest me getting in with Lily?"
"First off, I'd prefer a different way of referring to this than 'getting in with Lily'. It sounds like you're going to rape her and that is not something I want to be associated with," Elle said. "Second, untie me please."
"Hell, no," James burst. "You don't think I know you'll make a break for it?"
"Plus, I always thought you were the kinky type," Sirius waggled his eyebrows again.
"Sirius!" Remus reddened. "Could you stop with the sexual innuendos for half a minute and be serious?"
"I am Sirius!" Sirius said jovially. He was the only one in the room who burst into laughter. "I crack me up."
"You're the only one who laughs at that joke," Elle said. Addressing James, "Currently, Lily thinks this is some prolonged prank you're trying to play on her. I think the only way you're even going to get her to consider you as anything other than an enemy would be to…make a complete fool of yourself in front of a crowd."
Silence.
"You're joking," James said in a stupor.
"No," Elle responded. "Look, she finds you to be an egotistical, cocky arse,"
"Brutal," Sirius interrupted.
"She and I think the same about you so I don't know why you're talking," Elle rebutted before continuing. "You need to prove that you aren't that by being the butt of a couple jokes. After that, you can appeal to her and show her that your head is slightly deflated."
James looked irritated. "So what do you think I should do," he said in measured tones, his mouth clenched; he was obviously not happy with how this was going. Elle considered for a while.
"Well…I know on of her favorite movies is 'Rocky Horror Picture Show'…maybe you could do a sing and dance routine to one of the songs?" Elle suggested.
"You're joking," James said again.
"No," Elle said. "Look, I've had a bit of experience in the theatre and I've seen 'Rocky Horror' about a million times. I'll help you through every step, choreographing, directing, auditions if necessary. Because, honestly, if you went at this alone you'd probably fuck this up too."
"Any more insults or would you like me to cut you from the team right now?" James muttered half-heartedly.
"That's no way to treat your new director," Elle scolded. "Are you up for it?" Sighing, James mumbled a reluctant 'yeah' and slumped down on his bed. "Now, if someone would care to untie me, I'd like to go to bed."
"Not until you pay for my services," Sirius said.
"And what service was that?" Elle asked.
"Why, fetching you for this enriching conversation."
"Rather crudely, I might add," Elle muttered. "All right, I'll bite. What do I owe?"
"Oh, perhaps a few sexual favors?" Sirius made to sit on her lap, but the prudish Remus had anticipated this and quickly released the girl with a flick of his wand. Elle slapped Sirius and stormed out of the room. Sirius nursed his red cheek and turned on Remus.
"Moony, you great virgin, you killed any chance I had with her!" he accused.
"Any chance you had with any girl was destroyed long ago without my help," Remus said. "And is calling me a virgin supposed to be an insult?"
"Chh, yeah," Sirius said, as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.
o.O
When Elle walked into her dorm, Lily was still awake, reading Elle's novel. Hearing the door shut, Lily looked up in earnest.
"He buy it?" she asked excitedly.
"Yeah," Elle grinned mischievously.
o.O
A/N: I will hypnotize you now. Waves chain with stone. Reeeeviewwww. You want to reeeevieeeew. It is your sole purpose in life to read and review all my fics. Snaps fingers. What do you feel like doing?