Disclaimer: The usual, JKR owns it all, plot ideas taken from bad fanfic clichés.
A/N: Our pet peeve of the week is people who change tenses throughout the fic. This will be a feature of this chapter. Our apologies for any lost brain cells it may cause you.
Review of Chapter 2: Hermione and Draco have just been informed of the ahem unfortunate circumstances requiring them to share everything, right down to a bed.
The students all filed off the train after it pulled into the station. They then sat down to watch the sorting (A/N: apparently either A) none of them have read Hogwarts, A History so they Apparated, or B) the author can't be bothered to write such nonsense as them actually getting into a carriage and walking through a door).
The new and improved Hermione settled herself in, taking care to toss her silky smooth hair, as the sorting began. For the first time in her life, Hermione found herself not paying attention to the sorting. Instead, she was captivated by Snape's greasy locks dripping moisture into his cold and unfeeling eyes. She was suddenly brought back to attention by the hat's unique lyrics, sung to the popular Muggle song, YMCA.
It's fun to stay at
Snape's orgy house!
Hermione snickered while the authors of this story roll their eyes due to the fact that the sorting hat never has songs this ridiculous and Hermione should be appalled instead of snickering. Readers of the average fanfiction, however, are enthralled, wondering if this is perhaps subtle foreshadowing.
The hat finishes its song and the sorting process begins. Hermione, of course doesn't pay attention because she is too busy examining her fingernails. She finally looks up when there is only one left to be sorted. Much to the surprise of everyone in the hall (yet somehow, not the readers'), it is a new seventh year! Though it was not announced, all the students instinctually knew that it was Dumbledore's long lost great-niece (three times removed) who had just made a long and treacherous journey all the way from America. (A/N: readers pause to decide if this is even possible. Yeah, we don't think so either).
The male population in its entirety began their simultaneous drooling routine once again. Anine Josephine Geraldine Albusina Katerina Dumbledore (A/N: she's publishing a pronunciation guide as we type) trotted to the front and was immediately sorted into Slytherin.
Hermione and Snape are the only two not staring at the newcomer. They exchange a meaningful glance which Snape quickly turns away from. Hermione is now left to ponder her confused feelings. From across the room, Draco sees this exchange and suddenly realizes his true and everlasting love for the new Gryffindor Slut. Jealousy surges through him as he finds a newfound hatred for his former favorite teacher.
The feast wound down and came to a close. Students wandered off to their respective common rooms. Draco and Hermione, who had already been given directions to their common room, headed out last. Hermione glanced behind her just in time to catch a longing glance from Snape and a disgusted glare from her new roommate. She smiled, flipped her beautifully straight and perfect hair and walked through the doors.
"So, one bed?" Hermione inquired as they made their way to their room.
"Yep," Draco replied, thoroughly sounding as though he didn't care despite the fact that he has a newfound love for Hermione.
"Well, here we are. Dumbledore said something about making up a password," Hermione said (A/N: readers sit on edges of seats in anticipation as to what this password could possibly be. Readers also hope it will be slightly more clever than Gryfferin or Slythindor rocks).
"How about "if you screw any teacher I will be forced to whip out my wand"? (A/N: author attempts to throw in a clever innuendo which will be continuously used throughout the remainder of the chapter and most likely the entire story as well).
"I believe that's too long—"
"You're damn straight it's too long," Draco grinned smugly as readers groan and exit story.
"You're disgusting," Hermione replied.
"And you like it like that, Mudblood," he raised his voice. (A/N: Readers wish the author would sometimes give Draco a comeback like )
A horror-stricken Hermione turned towards the portrait in a huff.
"Password?" says the portrait of a scantily clad saloon girl sitting on a piano with a bottle of rum and a gun.
"Wait, we haven't chosen one yet," said Hermione in a perplexed manner.
"Yes, you just gave it to me," replied the bar girl in a drunken stupor.
"What is it then?" inquired Draco.
"Oh, you'll just have to remember it," slurred the girl as she struggled to keep her balance.
Hermione used her incredible memory power to recall their entire conversation and she repeated it line for line. Finally, she said "you're damn straight it's too long" and the portrait nodded and swung open.
Draco laughed heartily upon hearing their new password, whereas Hermione just stalked forward into the common room, being appalled in her mind but not showing it in any outward manner because she must remember not to be prudish anymore.
Author ignores gaudy description of common room with intermixed Gryffindor and Slytherin colors and instead focuses on Hermione stomping up the stairs in search of her trunk.
Hermione quickly charmed her pajamas on before Draco could make an entrance into their bedroom. Hermione was now wearing a revealing tank top and short boxers. She now resembled a combination of a Victoria's Secret model and the Saloon Girl.
Hermione then charmed a barrier in the middle of their twin bed (A/N: apparently they were very short on wood). She stood in front of the mirror, basking in her glory, when Draco entered.
Hermione noticed Draco's "wand" immediately. She attempted to recover and quickly snapped, "I've built a barrier in the middle of the bed."
"Bur there's hardly any room," Draco replied, moving towards the wall with his wand out.
"If you even think about touching my wall with your wand—"
Draco poked Hermione with his wand. "What are you gonna do about it, stupid?" he asked, while noticing her nicely rounded hooters.
"If you poke me with that thing one more time, I'll break it in half!" shrieked Hermione.
Draco, not able to think of a comeback, decided to distract her by undressing. He stripped off his leather pants to reveal his leather thong.
"It'll take more than that wand you keep pointing all over to make you attractive," Hermione spat.
Draco, looking insulted, hopped into bed and tore down the barrier with his wand. "Yeah, well my wand just broke your wall," he replied smugly.
Hermione rolled her eyes and attempted to control her hormones as she got into bed. She realized that she was in for a sleepless night.
A/N: Thanks to the reviewers, we are trying to incorporate all of your ideas into future chapters. Suggestions, reviews, and flames are always welcome.