Disclaimer: Most characters belong to J.K Rowling, the common Mary Sue is ours. Certain phrases came from the shows Family Guy and The Grimm Adventures of Billy and Mandy.

A/N: Thanks for all of your ideas, we are attempting to incorperate as many of them into the story as we can. Please continue to give us ideas and please do not be offended if we do not use an idea. Though an idea may be good, it may not fit into our story. Thanks.

What happened last chapter: Hermione and Draco explored their bedroom and exchanged a good amount of witty innuendo before they got into bed together.

Chapter 4

Draco drifted of to dream land, a place which proved to be particularily horny fuckin' good to him that night. For no apparent reason and with no apparent consciousness of movement, Draco mounted Granger slowly. "Granger, why do I call her that anyway? From now on I will refer to her only as 'Mione. I'm sure she'll love it," Draco thought as he began to caress her meaty thighs.

"Heavens," he thought, "it appears that my wee wee has been stricken with rigor mortis!"

'Mione apprehensively spread her full thighs and let his sex enter her vaginal area. (A/N: Authors sigh at the thought of all the misguided preteen girls who think they understand the anatomy of the human male and in this way hope to seem experianced even though the general public realizes their ignorance). They slowly began to move in a rhythmic fashion which sped up as they went. Lustful waves of release spread through both of them. Hermione welcomed the feeling after the initial discomfort.

Draco, filled with organsmic pleasure, heard his alarm clock ring. "Shit!" he thought, "I don't want this to stop." He heard a shrill scream from beneath him. It hadn't been a dream after all!

Hermione sighed with initial relief as she realized it had all been a dream. "A very good dream," she thought, "but just a dream nonetheless." She then attempted to get out of bed but found herself captive beneath the muscular body of Draco Malfoy, the Sex God. She then screamed and tried to push him off of her but found she was "stuck". It hadn't been a dream after all!

"Look what you've done! My reputation is ruined!" she shrieked. Silently she added, "but god, was it good."

"Yeah, like I wanted to screw a Mudblood. That's always good for one's reputation," he retorted.

Hermione snorted and walked away in a huff to get ready for Potions.

Hermione was sure to be fashionably early to Potions so that she could reserve herself a front row seat. Much to her dismay, Malfoy entered the classroom 5 minutes later and chose a seat a row over from her. She rolled her eyes and looked up as Snape decided to grace them with his presence.

Somehow, Hermione had never noticed how enticing his hooked nose was. Or how his greasy, unwashed hair was really quite sexy. His robes were just tight enough to see his finely toned muscles, yet they were still loose enough to billow out behind him in that inviting way.

"Oh, my," she thought as he sent a meaningful glance her way. "Be still my fluttering heart," she commanded herself before dissolving into waves of fantasy.

Malfoy, observing this transaction, glared at Snape and then looked longingly at 'Mione. "If you were only mine," he thought, sighing.

Hermione suddenly realized her burning desire to spend time with Snape. She smirked a smug grin and raised her hand.

"Yes, Miss Granger?" Snape inquired.

"I was only curious as to the magical properties of the number 69." The class snickered. She winked at him. "Oh, that was good," she thought, "Most certainly worth a detention."

"Miss Granger, how indescribably inappropriate. That will be 69 (A/N: readers roll eyes due to ironic point value; how undexpected) points from Gryffindor and a 3 hour detention tonight."

Hermione, pretending to be aggravated, shrugged and placed her Potions book on her desk.

Snape paced as he sorted the students into pairs to work on their potion (A/N: authors encourage readers to insert their own potion, due to the fact that it is far to late to think of a creative one by themselves). "Granger and Malfoy, Creevey and Weasley, Chang and Potter..." he trailed off.

The students split off and scurried off to their respective cauldrons and began working. Hermione and Draco began their potion faster than the other ignorant twits of which the class consisted, ergo they finished before everyone else. Snape was making his rounds and quietly and subtly slipped Hermione a note which read:

Hermione, thank you so much for your clever question. I do hope that you will be willing to let me show you the "magic". See you for detention. Meet me in my private office. Snape

Rage suddenly boiled inside Draco, eveloping all of his other senses. He saw the look of delight on Hermione's face, and he just had to know what that note said. He quickly volunteered to go back to get more ingredients and quickly snatched the note from Hermione's bag.

Upon reading the message, Draco, seething with rage, began developing a plan. He didn't know what his excuse would be, but he was going to find some way to disrupt that detention.

Hermione wore her shortest skirt and her tightest blouse beneath her robes when she left for her detention that night. She nervously twirled her perfect hair as she approached Snape's office and tentatively knocked.

"Come in," said Snape seductively as the door swung open. Hermione's breath caught in her throat. Snape looked very sexy, in a creepy vampire sort of way. His lips were extra red, as though he had been drinking blood, or perhaps cherry juice. "But no," thought Hermione, "there's a glass of red wine."

"So what will you be having me do for you tonight, Professor?" asked Hermione as she undid her robe and tossed it casually on the ground. She was sure to stick out her chest, as she had on her new push-up bra to complement her recently acquired implants, which were so big they could qualify as dependents.

"Well, Miss Granger, I wouldn't want to leave your previous question unanswered," he replied, attempting to shove out his six-pack because he had no muscle whatsoever on the rest of his body (despite the fact that it's already been stated that he has other muscle, the authors decided they like Draco much better and Snape's muscle has been transferred to the preferred character).

Hermione was just beginning to get her hopes up when an obviously intoxicated Draco burst unceremoniously into the room screaming, "Step away from the idiot and his giant pet turtle!"

"That's funny," Hermione thought to herself, "I never knew he was an alcoholic. It must be because his father beats him all the time," she rationalized with a shrug.

Snape turned, startled. "Damn," he said internally, "I just got the little guy to come out of his shell." However, he thought it would sound better if out loud he said, "She's mine! Remove yourself, or else I shall be forced to challenge you to a duel. Take out your wand!" he cried.

"Well," Hermione thought to herself, "the Hat did foreshadow something about Snape's orgy house, didn't it?"

"Watch out!" Hermione called to Snape as Draco stumbled into the room, "Beware the weiner-wielding maniac!"

"A duel of the wands, eh?" slurred Draco as he approached Snape, "I can work with that." Hermione and Snape looked on in awe as Draco suddenly adopted a German accent, unzipped his trousers and commanded, "Get out zhere!"

"Get out, Zea? Who's Zea? He must have meant Satan. Yes, that's it, its name must be Satan," Hermione thought to herself before turning to see the results of Draco's command.

Snape, whose turtle -- ahem, wand --- had been out and ready for several minutes now, sagged and relaxed in a lifeless and limp manner next to Draco's engorged bratwurst which was now standing at attention.

"Go back to the Head Room (A/N: authors giggle), I'll deal with you when I get back!" said Hermione who was cross because she realized that she was stuck with the limp noodle rather than the fearsome dagger. "Well, for now, anyway," she thought eagerly.

"YAY! Mine's better!" shouted Draco triumphantly. "I win!" he stuttered as he fell out of the room.

After Draco left, Hermione turned to see Snape, dejectedly wiggling his now withdrawn turtle while swearing at a box of Viagra.

Hermione cautiously approached. Seeing no prospect of getting anything hopeful in this office tonight, she decided to find a way out so that she could rush to be with the drunken Draco. "It's ok," she said, patting her professor on the back as she gathered her things.

"But, wait, there's more! I mean, there's more in the box. Maybe I just need another one or two and then--" but Hermione cut him off, spouting some BS that your turtle can overload and explode if you take too many. It was then that Snape broke down and wept while Hermione quietly slipped out the door.

A/N: We had a LOT of fun writing this one smirk. Hope you enjoyed it. Questions, comments, suggestios, flames, and review in general are all welcome. Our next chapter really has nothing to do with our story, but we thought you guys would like it. It's our Japanese friend's blog, complete with a fat American and broken English. We really do love him, it was just so funny (and rather accurate too). Read it if you want, but know that it has nothing to do with the story in any way. Reviews and flames for the blog will basically be ignored, so save yourself the time and just laugh without commenting.