A/N: Yeah, so a few months ago when we said we'd write again soon….we didn't. Whoops. Sorry. For those who missed it, that last chapter was just a random insert; it wasn't really a chapter. Please, oh ye simpletons be not confused.

Recap of Chapter 4: Draco and Hermione accidentally ruin each others' reputations in a scandalous fashion. Hermione exchanges witty repartee with Snape, earning her detention. Snape's turtle makes a short lived appearance with the help of Viagra; however Draco's fearsome Satan forces it back into its shell. Hermione is severerously (A/N: authors laugh at what they consider to be funny at 3:30 am) disappointed.

Chapter 5

Hermione breathed a sigh of relief after shutting the door leading back into Snape's office, only to find Draco vomiting in the corner, merely feet away. She was fairly disappointed, seeing as she had gotten her hopes up for an exciting night, only to have them dashed against an unforgiving box of Viagra (A/N: authors wonder what exactly that implies, but continue on with the story anyway).

She then approached him from behind. "Just the way he likes it," she thought to herself while smirking broadly.

Draco turned, wiping the vomit from his mouth. "I think I'm going to be sick," he slurred, as Captain Obvious rushed in to stand there and point out the blatantly unnecessary remark which always appears in bad fanfics.

Hermione rushed to his side. Readers prepare to be sick themselves, as Hermione put his arm around her shoulder and leads him off to their Common Room to nurse him back to health and encourage house unity. (A/N: Wink wink, nudge nudge, gack gack).

The Head Girl and Boy finally staggered into the Common Room together. She dropped him unceremoniously on the couch, dragging her down to lay on top of him. She still held out the faint hope that Satan might be awake, but alas, her hopes were dashed again. Draco had promptly passed out. Hermione turns angrily to throw Viagra at authors, then storms off to bed.

The next morning, Hermione pondered her Muggle Studies assignment while showering. She had to conduct a survey that would give her the ratio to something. "Something," she thought, "but it has to be good…". Her thoughts trailed off as the door she had conveniently forgotten to lock banged open and Draco Malfoy barged in.

The formerly scrupulous Head Girl would have kicked him out immediately if he hadn't been buck naked. It was for this reason that she decided to get into a petty argument that went absolutely nowhere, just to look at his pecker. The petty argument (which authors didn't care to actually make up) proved useful after all, for during this time she thought of a ratio on which to conduct her survey.

"Do you think," she pondered, "there's a correlation between a man's penis size and his shoe size?" It was in that moment that a brilliant scientific study was born.

Meanwhile, Harry and Ron were gay. Yes, we know it's very sudden. Believe us, they were surprised too. The authors find no need to subtly introduce this subject, since it should not be controversial and is accepted everywhere these days (A/N: insert obvious sarcasm in reference the previous sentence here). Maybe we'll even throw in a little M-preg, just to be fair. Insert evil mwahahaha here.

Hermione and Ginny walked into the great hall just as Harry mounted Ron (A/N: scratch that. Ron gets to be the mounter rather than the mountee simply because we like him more so we'll make Harry the chick instead).

Ginny, rather than being repulsed, is mildly turned on and tries to jump on Hermione due to a wild fantasy she just had involving her tied naked to a ceiling (A/N: authors laugh about a snide comment referring to yet another crappy fanfic). After their hardcore sex, they decide they're not right for each other, and Hermione explains the survey to Ginny. Together, they embark upon a quest that may result in the new nickname of Whores of Hogwarts. However, it's worth it, and they know it. Plus the title is like a bonus.

Ron and Harry broke apart, gasping for breath, and began to eat their breakfast of gay champions so that they'd have energy for more sexual conquests later.

"Ronald, darling," Harry crooned to his lover, "you don't look quite queer enough. Fix that, please." So Ron obligingly crossed his legs in a thoroughly non-straight and rather crooked fashion.

Luckily for him, Ginny saw this. "My dear brother, if you have any desire to M-pregnate Harry you'd better uncross those legs. It results in fugly mutant children, and Lord knows they're already not going to be attractive," she promptly informed him.

"As lovely as that is," Hermione interrupted, "Ginny and I should really venture further into the world of hot guys' penises." They then bounded off in search of men.

A/N: Authors highly encourage all readers to review and let us know your own survey results so that we don't have to do all the work ourselves.

By the way, flame us if you want, but we're not homophobes and you know it's funny.